Wednesday, January 04, 2012
I'm having a bad day.
And I don't just mean that the car didn't start, or my computer crashed, or anything like that. I kind of wish that it was that "easy."
I'm missing my brother today.
And I'm not sure why today is bothering me so much. Today isn't really anything "special" - it isn't his birthday. It isn't a Monday. (He killed himself on a Monday.) It is the day before his wedding anniversary, but he and his wife were married quickly before his deployment and so I wasn't there. But today, I just hurt.
I have so many regrets. I wish I would have called him more. I wish I would have called him that morning. I wish he would have called me. I wish that he would have felt like he could trust me and talk to me. And now I'm never going to hear his voice again. I'm never going to answer the phone and hear him say, "Hey, Sister." I'm never going to laugh with him again. And for some reason, it is hitting me today.
And that has made me reach for some horrible food. I had a mini snickers today. I didn't drink my water. I starved myself this morning and then had a bowl of cheez-its for dinner. And nachos w/ sour cream (the fact that it is 'light' doesn't really matter).
On Monday, I tried working out for the first time since before my brother died. I went back to my "easy" workout. The workout that I rely on when I haven't worked out in awhile to just get back into it. I couldn't even finish the DVD. And I'm still so sore today from it, that getting up out of my chair is a nightmare in itself.
So, I'm already struggling with food. I"m struggling with my workouts. And I'm struggling with my grief. HOW do I get out of this? How do I take the step that I need to get back on track. To start living the healthy lifestyle that I've abandoned?
I'm so disheartened right now. I hate who I am and what I am and what I've done to myself. But I seem to spend so much time just making it through the day that I don't know how to change this.
I don't know how to ask for help right now. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to ask for.
I want my brother back. And that is never going to happen.
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
I'm feeling lost at sea right now.
I remember when I began this journey. I remember starting to work out - 20 minutes of walking, 3 days a week. I remember learning to control my food. I started on the South Beach diet. And although knowing what I know now, I wouldn't use that as a regular eating habit, but it did show me that there were things I was eating that I wouldn't die if I didn't have. It taught me that I could control what I ate. It taught me that I don't need bread! I like it, but I don't need it. That's where this began.
After almost a year of that, I accidentally ran into sparkpeople looking for recipes for ground turkey on the internet. I started going through the site, set up a page, and saw the trackers. I didn't start tracking my food right away. I also ordered Turbo Jam at the same time. I found the TurboJam sparkteam and was excited to have something to share with people and a place to go for more information. Then I got curious. I started to wonder what I was eating and how much I was eating and what that equalled to calorie wise. And so began my nurition tracking. Fall of 2008, I felt the best that I had in my life. I felt fit, I felt small, I felt in control. I hit my lowest weight - 145. It happened to be on the day of my 15th high school reunion. I had lost 35 lbs at that point from when I began just walking. I was working out 5 days a week, I was tracking my food. I was making more good decisions than bad ones.
I also remember that people couldn't help noticing the changes. The confidence that I had. The positive feelings. And people would ask me how i did it. I would tell them about Spark. I would tell them about Turbo Jam. I would tell them that it is diet and exercise. And that you don't have to cut things out - you just have to recognize that there are things you can't eat a lot of - whether it is in one sitting or every day. And I remember some people telling me they couldn't do it. And I remember thinking, you just have to make the choice. And every time you put something in your mouth, make a choice. Every time you sit down to watch tv for hours on end, make a different choice. We are all about the choices we make.
How pompous I was.
After hitting my lowest weight ever, I gained 5 lbs back in the following few months. I struggled right around the 150 mark for 2 years - sometimes a couple pounds under, sometimes up to 5 pounds over. But within 5 lbs of 150.
And then at the start of 2010, I was seldom getting under 150 and I seemed to hover around the 155 mark - again, sometimes a few pounds under, sometimes a few pounds over.
Then this last fall, it seems like everything fell apart. I got sick. A stupid respiratory infection. It was hard to do anything - including just walk up the stairs-without getting extremely winded. And not working out, I struggled with my eating. And the pounds came on. Pretty soon I was at 160. then the holidays came. It's stressful for me because it is the busiest time for me at work. With holiday get-togethers, eating out because of lack of time to cook anything, not finding time to workout even though I was past the respiratory infection, and the pounds kept coming.
Like most people, I told myself that I was going to get back on track after New Year's. I mean, I had told everyone that that it is about choices, right? So I needed to make a choice. Starting with food & water & getting back to working out. It's just a choice.
A choice that I just can't seem to make. I'm struggling. I'm more than struggling, I'm drowning. I'm drowning in my own expectations. I'm drowning in my horrible choices. I'm drowning in my life. and everything that I "know" isn't helping me. I KNOW that I need to get back to working out. I KNOW that I'll feel better about myself when I do. Yet I can't find the time to do what I was doing only 6 months ago! I KNOW that I need more sleep, but something has to give. I KNOW that every calorie going in is getting counted and if I don't work out, that calorie and all of the others I'm shoving in, are going to make themselves comfortable around my waist. I KNOW that I need to just start somewhere, but I feel like a horrible failure. I've gained OVER 20 lbs back from my lowest weight. I had stood in front of the mirror and told myself never again, and yet here I am. I told myself I would never get back to a size 12, but my size 10s are pushing the edge. I have gone from a borderline size 6 to probably needing a size 12.
And yet I still can't make those "choices" I was so willing to explain to people. Things are tough right now. Financially, things are tough. I'm struggling with my job as many are in the economy. My children are getting older and as a mom, I feel like I'm not doing all that I can for them - including making sure that they are learning the healthy lifestyles that I don't want them to have to learn later in life like I have.
I think about the person I was at 145 and how much I took for granted. And I look at what I've done to myself and I just don't know how to make the next step. I've tried my old standbys for trying to get motivated - we're going to a waterpark with the kids in April & I will have to be in a swimsuit. We have my husband's friend's wedding in May. My cousin is getting married in August. How 'bout the fact that I won't have ANY shorts that fit this summer if I don't do SOMEthing?
WHY can I not do this? Why am I watching Biggest Loser and bawling? I'm searching high and low and I can't find the woman that started this process. And I haven't run into that women who felt so confident about her decisions either. All I've found is a woman I'm not proud of anymore. A woman who isn't happy. A much larger version of the stronger, confident, healthier woman who existed not too long ago.
I don't know if a lifesaver can help me. I just don't know if I have what it takes. I'm barely paddling water and I'm just not going anywhere.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Here I am - AGAIN!
I've gained basically 20 lbs back from my lowest weight. TWENTY POUNDS!!!
I'm sitting here watching Biggest Loser and just crying. Crying at the disappointment that I have in myself. Crying at feeling like a Loser - and not the "biggest" kind. Crying at feeling like I've failed. Crying at sitting here on my computer after my first REAL workout of the year and feeling so sore that sitting and standing make me cry more. But it means that on my SECOND day, I've already talked myself out of my workout.
Why? Why do I do this to myself? Why did I take 3 months and not do what I know I NEEDED to? Why? And moreso, how do I NOT do this again??? How do I not sit here in January, crying, watching other people achieve something that I had and let myself lose?
How do I stop hating myself and the decisions that I've made?
It is so hard to see this as a beginning. When I've been here before and am back again.
I'm having a hard time feeling positive right now.
Monday, June 14, 2010
I just need to vent.
I've had a tough go of it the last year. In September, I had a blood clot. Because of the blood clot, I was rendered completely inactive for a week and was put on life-long anticoagulant medication; something usually reserved for much older people. I didn't respond well. Instead of working my way back to a healthy lifestyle, I started punishing myself. I avoided working out and I let myself eat whatever I felt like. In fact some days I think I sought out what was bad for me.
I've re-committed multiple times since then. But it seems like once I really start getting back into the groove where things start being more second nature to choose healthy, something happens and I get sidelined. Like a bronchial infection, or lack of time or a freaking dog bite.
I feel stupid harping about this, but I'm just so mad. I finally had myself on a track. I started a challenge with a sparkteam and was focusing on eating well & mostly getting my workouts in. I had 2 workouts in Monday, another in on Tuesday, another in on Wed., had to skip Thursday & had finally talked myself into getting a quick 3 mile run in on Friday. I started out, was pretty proud of myself after my first mile since I had dropped a minute off of my pace, made it 3 houses farther and was bit by a random dog.
I hobbled home and noticed that the dog had definitely broken skin. I started icing it, called the clinic & made an appointment & called the police. Not sure if it is the same in all states, but in Wisconsin, if a dog bite needs medical attention, then it has to be reported. So the officer came, took my statement, took pictures of the bite & set out to find the owner of the dog. He ended up calling me about 45 minutes later to tell me that one of my neighbors had pointed him in the right direction and that the people weren't home. They are a family that just moved in within the last couple months. They are living in a rental home that has caused problems in the past. It seems that most people who decide to rent it aren't the most responsible of adults.
While the officer was following up on trying to get in touch with the owners of the dog, I had my dr. appointment. I walked in thinking they would want to clean out the wound, double check my last tetnus shot and prescribe me some antibiotic and on my way. BUT come to find out, when you don't know the dog that bit you and they can't get in touch with the owner, they have to start the rabies series. So, they got to scrub the wound (OUCH!) and then they injected me in the arm with my rabies shot (feels like a tetnus shot with the soreness the next day). Then they shot my hip with immunoglobulin. (no biggie there). the last shot, however, is the rest of the immunoglobulin. It is injected DIRECTLY into the bite. And the doctor has to move the needle around the wound to make sure that as much of the wound as possible receives some of it. Most painful thing ever. I couldn't even walk myself out of the clinic. I had to have them wheel me out.
I found out later that night when a sherriff's office representative called that the "owners" of the dog claimed that it was a stray that they had taken in a few weeks prior and had not records whatsoever. SO that means I have to continue with the rabies treatment - at least 3 more shots.
Here's what really is making me mad. I'm a dance instructor. This week is recital week. Today started dress rehearsals. I have another dress rehearsal tomorrow & another on Tuesday. Recitals start Thursday with one Thursday night, Friday night, Sat. afternoon & Sat night. Yet just walking through the dances tonite my entire calf is swollen. And i'm in pain. I'm so worried that even with the anticoagulant that this injury will leave me with a blood clot and I will be completely sidelined and unable to be at the recitals. My classes need me. i've worked all year for this one week and those stupid people who couldn't watch their dog have ruined it. Not to mention the fact that my workout routine is now nonexistent for awhile.
I'm just so upset and I just don't know how to get out of this feeling of helplessness. I just want to cry. I did have a bowl of ice cream tonite which I know I shouldn't - especially with my inactivity - but I guess I just needed *some*thing to go okay.
I know that I did what needed to be done because had that dog bit a child, this could have been so much worse. But I just feel so selfish in focusing this on me. I know in time I'll get past it, but today, I'm struggling.
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