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Why does everything seem so much harder?

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

I'm having a bad day.

And I don't just mean that the car didn't start, or my computer crashed, or anything like that. I kind of wish that it was that "easy."

I'm missing my brother today.

And I'm not sure why today is bothering me so much. Today isn't really anything "special" - it isn't his birthday. It isn't a Monday. (He killed himself on a Monday.) It is the day before his wedding anniversary, but he and his wife were married quickly before his deployment and so I wasn't there. But today, I just hurt.

I have so many regrets. I wish I would have called him more. I wish I would have called him that morning. I wish he would have called me. I wish that he would have felt like he could trust me and talk to me. And now I'm never going to hear his voice again. I'm never going to answer the phone and hear him say, "Hey, Sister." I'm never going to laugh with him again. And for some reason, it is hitting me today.

And that has made me reach for some horrible food. I had a mini snickers today. I didn't drink my water. I starved myself this morning and then had a bowl of cheez-its for dinner. And nachos w/ sour cream (the fact that it is 'light' doesn't really matter).

On Monday, I tried working out for the first time since before my brother died. I went back to my "easy" workout. The workout that I rely on when I haven't worked out in awhile to just get back into it. I couldn't even finish the DVD. And I'm still so sore today from it, that getting up out of my chair is a nightmare in itself.

So, I'm already struggling with food. I"m struggling with my workouts. And I'm struggling with my grief. HOW do I get out of this? How do I take the step that I need to get back on track. To start living the healthy lifestyle that I've abandoned?

I'm so disheartened right now. I hate who I am and what I am and what I've done to myself. But I seem to spend so much time just making it through the day that I don't know how to change this.

I don't know how to ask for help right now. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to ask for.

I want my brother back. And that is never going to happen.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RIQUI1 1/9/2012 3:40PM

    I wish that I had seen this days ago. It stinks to feel alone, especially when you do reach out.

I don't understand how it feels to lose a sibling, but I went through many of these very same feelings with my father. It was the first anniversary of his death on the 3rd of January. It has been very hard to get through the exact same feelings of guilt that you are having. Why didn't I call him more? Why didn't I try harder? What made it even worse for me is that I didn't particularly care for my father. He was an alcoholic who chose to destroy my family as a child and leave me with nothing for memories of family and growing up. He wasn't anyone that I wanted to know, but he was my father. He was also my husband's best friend. I didn't think I would miss him like I do. I didn't think that I would feel the guilt that I feel/felt. I didn't think that I would have a reminder of how we lost him every single day. I knew that he didn't take care of himself, but you just assume that you have more time.

One thing...that's all it takes to start working back towards the place you want to be. You've done that, but instead of focusing on the positive, you looked at the negative. Maybe you didn't get through that DVD, but you did it. And every day that you do it after, you will get better. I was there too. I know just how that feels. But you have to stop focusing on what you are doing wrong and try to see what you are doing right. Maybe you didn't get in as much water as you wanted, but you drank twice as much as yesterday. Don't try to jump in as if you have been here all along. You really have to start over to some degree. It just won't take quite as long to get back to where you want to be.

We are here for you, Heidi. If you ever need to talk or some support or encouragement, all you have to do is post, blog or jump on the team threads. I miss you! I wish there was something more that I could do to help other than sit at the other end of the computer link...days later. I hope to see you active, even if just in words, in the team area soon! :)

(Whew, this was long!! Sorry!) emoticon

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SJCHUPP 1/9/2012 1:36PM

    I'm just reading your blog today, and even though I'm a few days late, please know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you!

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MARJANHONG 1/4/2012 10:15PM

  I'm so very sorry about your brother and the grief that you're experiencing. Grief takes time - and it's ok for you to express that grief in any way that you need to. Please hang in there - just take the good days and the bad days - be proud of the good days and accept the bad ones. Sometimes in the middle of our grief all we can do is just put one foot in front of the other - that's all I'm asking you to do. Know that you did know how to ask for help, because you wrote on your blog. Please know that someone cares...

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Starting Over - Again.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Wow. I feel like all I do is reiterate the same blog over and over. I was on a good track, and now I'm not. I used to be within 10 lbs of my goal weight, and now I'm not. I used to be working out 5-6 days/week and now I'm not. I used to wear a bikini in certain place, and now I don't. I used to have things in my closet that were a size 6 that I could put on and now I can't. I used to be a solid size 8, and now I'm not. I used to monitor everything I ate and now I'm not. I used to have definition and now I don't.

It is frustrating.

And I think it is even more frustrating knowing that I WAS where I wanted to be just a few short years ago and now I know how far away i've gotten. I also know how much work it took and everything I had to monitor and control and give up and I just can't get myself back there.

I don't know how to kick my own a**.

I'm not happy like this. I'm not happy with all those "don't" statements. I feel horrible about myself which makes me not want to do things that I really enjoy. It stresses me out. And there are a lot of times in every month that I want to sit down and cry at what I've done to my body. And that makes me reach for the ice cream or the chips which happen to be my BIGGEST issues saying no to.

I'm hoping airing this will help me find myself again. Find my motivation and find the attitude that helped me do this the first time. And this time I have to keep searching until I find it - no detours.

But if anyone out there has read through this whole thing - I could really use some support. Right now, I don't know what that entails. I don't know what is going to help, but I know that I need to do something. I'd really like to be down 8 lbs by my birthday at the end of August. anyone???

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VALERIENEAL 7/21/2011 4:24PM

    Oh honey, not only have I been there, bought the t-shirt (blah blah blah) I set up camp and decorated it too. I've had to limit my Spark time lately due to gardening (2-3 hours out in the garden/yard in the am, and again for an hour at night) and then recovering from the heat and getting a work out in-ugh, I feel like a hamster on a wheel. Come in, track time (it makes sure I eat enough-the heat causes me to lose my appitite until dark, when I eat anything I can get my hands on) in the garden in cardio, rinse off, sweep floor for work out, work out, track that, eat, why bother. That's where I am right now. I did find something that is a 6 wk program, but I only do level 1 work outs (upper and lower) 4 times each, then I move up. I tried Jillian's thread, but stopped when I got to level 2, then had a back injury and have been afraid to try it, I may try again this fall.

I know I"m just rambling and probably not making much sense, I just want to mainly know you are not alone, and if you want 1 more nut on board with you let me know, I'll give you my FB info, and even a number to text me at and I'll text back. Okay, got to get back on the wheel and start putting away laundry so I can make dinner, so I can eat it, so I can water the garden so I can watch tv with hubby, so I can go to bed, so I can get up and do it all over again.

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RIQUI1 7/18/2011 9:07AM

    I WILL HELP YOU...in any form that I can!! 8 pounds shouldn't be too bad in that time frame. You let me know what you need... someone to check in with every day? I can do that. Need someone on Facebook for more contact? I can do that. Send me your cell number... I will text you 6-10x per day, to remind you of your goals! :)

Stop buying ice cream and chips until the end of August. Actually, have you tried Special K Cracker Chips? I LOVE the sea salt flavor. There are only 110 calories in 30 and they take care of that munch/crunch craving!

You don't need to feel alone. I have been right there too, as you know!! I have been within 5 pounds and blew it!! lol Who knows...you just work with what you have!

Talk to me! Tell me what you want... I'm there! :) I will help you stay true to your goals!

"Rather the pain of discipline, than the pain of regret."

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No Title

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

I'm feeling lost at sea right now.

I remember when I began this journey. I remember starting to work out - 20 minutes of walking, 3 days a week. I remember learning to control my food. I started on the South Beach diet. And although knowing what I know now, I wouldn't use that as a regular eating habit, but it did show me that there were things I was eating that I wouldn't die if I didn't have. It taught me that I could control what I ate. It taught me that I don't need bread! I like it, but I don't need it. That's where this began.

After almost a year of that, I accidentally ran into sparkpeople looking for recipes for ground turkey on the internet. I started going through the site, set up a page, and saw the trackers. I didn't start tracking my food right away. I also ordered Turbo Jam at the same time. I found the TurboJam sparkteam and was excited to have something to share with people and a place to go for more information. Then I got curious. I started to wonder what I was eating and how much I was eating and what that equalled to calorie wise. And so began my nurition tracking. Fall of 2008, I felt the best that I had in my life. I felt fit, I felt small, I felt in control. I hit my lowest weight - 145. It happened to be on the day of my 15th high school reunion. I had lost 35 lbs at that point from when I began just walking. I was working out 5 days a week, I was tracking my food. I was making more good decisions than bad ones.

I also remember that people couldn't help noticing the changes. The confidence that I had. The positive feelings. And people would ask me how i did it. I would tell them about Spark. I would tell them about Turbo Jam. I would tell them that it is diet and exercise. And that you don't have to cut things out - you just have to recognize that there are things you can't eat a lot of - whether it is in one sitting or every day. And I remember some people telling me they couldn't do it. And I remember thinking, you just have to make the choice. And every time you put something in your mouth, make a choice. Every time you sit down to watch tv for hours on end, make a different choice. We are all about the choices we make.

How pompous I was.

After hitting my lowest weight ever, I gained 5 lbs back in the following few months. I struggled right around the 150 mark for 2 years - sometimes a couple pounds under, sometimes up to 5 pounds over. But within 5 lbs of 150.

And then at the start of 2010, I was seldom getting under 150 and I seemed to hover around the 155 mark - again, sometimes a few pounds under, sometimes a few pounds over.

Then this last fall, it seems like everything fell apart. I got sick. A stupid respiratory infection. It was hard to do anything - including just walk up the stairs-without getting extremely winded. And not working out, I struggled with my eating. And the pounds came on. Pretty soon I was at 160. then the holidays came. It's stressful for me because it is the busiest time for me at work. With holiday get-togethers, eating out because of lack of time to cook anything, not finding time to workout even though I was past the respiratory infection, and the pounds kept coming.

Like most people, I told myself that I was going to get back on track after New Year's. I mean, I had told everyone that that it is about choices, right? So I needed to make a choice. Starting with food & water & getting back to working out. It's just a choice.

A choice that I just can't seem to make. I'm struggling. I'm more than struggling, I'm drowning. I'm drowning in my own expectations. I'm drowning in my horrible choices. I'm drowning in my life. and everything that I "know" isn't helping me. I KNOW that I need to get back to working out. I KNOW that I'll feel better about myself when I do. Yet I can't find the time to do what I was doing only 6 months ago! I KNOW that I need more sleep, but something has to give. I KNOW that every calorie going in is getting counted and if I don't work out, that calorie and all of the others I'm shoving in, are going to make themselves comfortable around my waist. I KNOW that I need to just start somewhere, but I feel like a horrible failure. I've gained OVER 20 lbs back from my lowest weight. I had stood in front of the mirror and told myself never again, and yet here I am. I told myself I would never get back to a size 12, but my size 10s are pushing the edge. I have gone from a borderline size 6 to probably needing a size 12.

And yet I still can't make those "choices" I was so willing to explain to people. Things are tough right now. Financially, things are tough. I'm struggling with my job as many are in the economy. My children are getting older and as a mom, I feel like I'm not doing all that I can for them - including making sure that they are learning the healthy lifestyles that I don't want them to have to learn later in life like I have.

I think about the person I was at 145 and how much I took for granted. And I look at what I've done to myself and I just don't know how to make the next step. I've tried my old standbys for trying to get motivated - we're going to a waterpark with the kids in April & I will have to be in a swimsuit. We have my husband's friend's wedding in May. My cousin is getting married in August. How 'bout the fact that I won't have ANY shorts that fit this summer if I don't do SOMEthing?

WHY can I not do this? Why am I watching Biggest Loser and bawling? I'm searching high and low and I can't find the woman that started this process. And I haven't run into that women who felt so confident about her decisions either. All I've found is a woman I'm not proud of anymore. A woman who isn't happy. A much larger version of the stronger, confident, healthier woman who existed not too long ago.

I don't know if a lifesaver can help me. I just don't know if I have what it takes. I'm barely paddling water and I'm just not going anywhere.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VTSQUIRT 3/8/2011 6:31AM

    HEAR HEAR loud and clean emoticon
SHORT AND SWEET: I'm up 30lbs,can't find my inner workout freak,lost alot of workout/health friends(but I'm now seeing they weren't really friends)and I'm having the hardest time choking down water.

YOU'RE NOT ALONE AND WE'RE HERE FOR YOU,you just have to kick me in the butt......

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MINDBEND 3/4/2011 10:27AM

    Don't let your weight gain get in the way of your whole perspective on life. Look at how beautiful and healthy your children are. Look at the how lucky you are to have such lively kids, when people out there wish they could have kids or they have chronically ill kids that need constant 24 hour care. You have a roof over your head, when many are homeless, you're able to put food on the table and take care of your family, when others are unable to. You have a loving husband when many out there are so lonely and wishing for companionship. You have a job, albeit maybe not what your dream job is, but you are employed and bringing in income, no matter how meager it may be. You are being very productive at being a mother, wife, employee, and thousands of more titles.
So IT HAPPENS that we all fall off the wagon! It happens!!!!! And many people who fall off NEVER CARE TO GET BACK ON AGAIN! You WANT TO! That is SO POSITIVE IN ITSELF!
Enlist your husband to nag you to work out, or use him as a workout buddy. Take a photo of yourself and post it up, and look at it every time you don't feel like exercising. And start SMALL! Tell yourself, "I won't let myself go outside the house today until I do 15 minutes on the treadmill" and without thinking, just DO IT. After a while it will become a habit and you will look forward to it.
In summary, DONT BEAT UP YOURSELF ABOUT THIS! DOn't let this mar the other positive things that you have going in your life! Things could be sooooooo much worse! You will find your step again, just start with small steps!

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PEGG123321 3/2/2011 11:50AM

    Listen to that 145lb girl. She is correct & still inside of you waiting to come back out. Love yourself for who you STILL are. Live life Day by Day & celebrate the smallest changes that get you back there.

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MARYMARY611 3/2/2011 8:46AM

You've been struggling so much lately, I just feel terrible for you. I don't even know what kind of advice to give you either. Are there any small things that you can change to get you out of this depression? Maybe drinking your water, getting more veggies, working out 2 times a week with your Turbo Jam??
Please know that you are still a strong woman, you just have to grab control of your choices and make this work for you.

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TOOTHFUL99 3/2/2011 8:46AM

    Go back to the beginning. Make one change and stick with it. Then another...etc. Don't look at the whole elephant and beat yourself up. Take it one step at a time.
You can do it! Love yourself!!!

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Biggest Loser & Tears

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Here I am - AGAIN!

I've gained basically 20 lbs back from my lowest weight. TWENTY POUNDS!!!

I'm sitting here watching Biggest Loser and just crying. Crying at the disappointment that I have in myself. Crying at feeling like a Loser - and not the "biggest" kind. Crying at feeling like I've failed. Crying at sitting here on my computer after my first REAL workout of the year and feeling so sore that sitting and standing make me cry more. But it means that on my SECOND day, I've already talked myself out of my workout.

Why? Why do I do this to myself? Why did I take 3 months and not do what I know I NEEDED to? Why? And moreso, how do I NOT do this again??? How do I not sit here in January, crying, watching other people achieve something that I had and let myself lose?

How do I stop hating myself and the decisions that I've made?

It is so hard to see this as a beginning. When I've been here before and am back again.

I'm having a hard time feeling positive right now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARYMARY611 1/19/2011 9:09AM

    Losing weight isn't easy but MAINTAINING weight is even harder. I know you're a fan of BL, as am I. So just think about the reunion - Where Are They Now - shows that they do. Some of those past contestants gain weight back too, and more then 20lbs. They have the best trainers, doctors, support staff and fans all over the US and they still struggle.
What I'm trying to say is, don't beat yourself up about it. Yes, you gained weight back. But you are acknowledging it and want to lose it. So, make a plan of what you want to do today and the rest of this week. Put it in writing and DO IT!
PM me your plan and maybe that will help give you some accountability and motivation. We all want to see you happy.


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RICKYDAF 1/18/2011 10:32PM

    its hard to fall back! I know I to have gained back 20 pounds...I lost 35 and well now I am back working at it. I feel off for quite awhile, I let stress and life take over..its ok to feel like you let yourself down but thats why you wrote it her so someone like me would read it and I would see I am not alone...its ok and lets just pick up right from here and keep going! emoticon

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Exercise, dogs & needles - not a good mix

Monday, June 14, 2010

I just need to vent.

I've had a tough go of it the last year. In September, I had a blood clot. Because of the blood clot, I was rendered completely inactive for a week and was put on life-long anticoagulant medication; something usually reserved for much older people. I didn't respond well. Instead of working my way back to a healthy lifestyle, I started punishing myself. I avoided working out and I let myself eat whatever I felt like. In fact some days I think I sought out what was bad for me.

I've re-committed multiple times since then. But it seems like once I really start getting back into the groove where things start being more second nature to choose healthy, something happens and I get sidelined. Like a bronchial infection, or lack of time or a freaking dog bite.

I feel stupid harping about this, but I'm just so mad. I finally had myself on a track. I started a challenge with a sparkteam and was focusing on eating well & mostly getting my workouts in. I had 2 workouts in Monday, another in on Tuesday, another in on Wed., had to skip Thursday & had finally talked myself into getting a quick 3 mile run in on Friday. I started out, was pretty proud of myself after my first mile since I had dropped a minute off of my pace, made it 3 houses farther and was bit by a random dog.

I hobbled home and noticed that the dog had definitely broken skin. I started icing it, called the clinic & made an appointment & called the police. Not sure if it is the same in all states, but in Wisconsin, if a dog bite needs medical attention, then it has to be reported. So the officer came, took my statement, took pictures of the bite & set out to find the owner of the dog. He ended up calling me about 45 minutes later to tell me that one of my neighbors had pointed him in the right direction and that the people weren't home. They are a family that just moved in within the last couple months. They are living in a rental home that has caused problems in the past. It seems that most people who decide to rent it aren't the most responsible of adults.

While the officer was following up on trying to get in touch with the owners of the dog, I had my dr. appointment. I walked in thinking they would want to clean out the wound, double check my last tetnus shot and prescribe me some antibiotic and on my way. BUT come to find out, when you don't know the dog that bit you and they can't get in touch with the owner, they have to start the rabies series. So, they got to scrub the wound (OUCH!) and then they injected me in the arm with my rabies shot (feels like a tetnus shot with the soreness the next day). Then they shot my hip with immunoglobulin. (no biggie there). the last shot, however, is the rest of the immunoglobulin. It is injected DIRECTLY into the bite. And the doctor has to move the needle around the wound to make sure that as much of the wound as possible receives some of it. Most painful thing ever. I couldn't even walk myself out of the clinic. I had to have them wheel me out.

I found out later that night when a sherriff's office representative called that the "owners" of the dog claimed that it was a stray that they had taken in a few weeks prior and had not records whatsoever. SO that means I have to continue with the rabies treatment - at least 3 more shots.

Here's what really is making me mad. I'm a dance instructor. This week is recital week. Today started dress rehearsals. I have another dress rehearsal tomorrow & another on Tuesday. Recitals start Thursday with one Thursday night, Friday night, Sat. afternoon & Sat night. Yet just walking through the dances tonite my entire calf is swollen. And i'm in pain. I'm so worried that even with the anticoagulant that this injury will leave me with a blood clot and I will be completely sidelined and unable to be at the recitals. My classes need me. i've worked all year for this one week and those stupid people who couldn't watch their dog have ruined it. Not to mention the fact that my workout routine is now nonexistent for awhile.

I'm just so upset and I just don't know how to get out of this feeling of helplessness. I just want to cry. I did have a bowl of ice cream tonite which I know I shouldn't - especially with my inactivity - but I guess I just needed *some*thing to go okay.

I know that I did what needed to be done because had that dog bit a child, this could have been so much worse. But I just feel so selfish in focusing this on me. I know in time I'll get past it, but today, I'm struggling.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WEDGWOOD 6/21/2010 8:03AM

    Just got around to reading your blog about the bite. Ugh! Sounds awful! Glad the pain is subsiding though!! And SO glad recitals went well. Maybe things will start picking up for you now.

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RAJAHKITTY 6/20/2010 11:37AM

    The dog was supposed to be brought to a vet to be quarantined & monitored for signs of rabies. The owners decided to drop it off at a humane society that wasn't authorized to handle a quarantine, so the dog wasn't seen by a vet until the following Monday or Tuesday. The dog has tested fine so I get to skip the last shots, but the owners will now be fined for not having the dog seen by a vet within 24 hours as well as a "dog at large" fine. When I called for the police report, they said it had to go through the DA before they can send it to me.

Thanks for the well-wishes everyone. I think I'll be able to start my workout routine again tomorrow as the pain has mostly subsided, although the bruising is still making my leg pretty ugly. Weight wise, I feel pretty good. I've mostly maintained. So there is something to be said for that!

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MARYMARY611 6/19/2010 6:53PM

    Wow. I'm so sorry to hear about this! And what terrible timing too. I cringed just reading about your shots, can't imagine how they actually felt. Was the dog taken by Animal Control or anything?

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MINDLE 6/16/2010 12:13PM

    Hang in there Heidi. You are strong enough to get through this without resorting to unhealthy habits. You've motivated me and so many others the past couple of years and now it's our turn to keep you going. You may feel helpless, but you are a strong woman and this is only going to be a minor setback for you! I know how important your dance recitals are but you've taught your students well and they will make it on their own. You might not be able to dance with them, but you'll be in their hearts and on their minds, for sure. Keep your chin up, put a smile on that pretty face and let me know how I can help you... short of flying to Wisconsin to do some dog control. :)

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HUMBEL 6/15/2010 3:30PM

    Oh my goodness - I cannot believe that happened to you! You poor dear!!!! I'm so sorry that you got bit by a dog - that is horrible! You have had a very rough year, and I think you are doing wonderful in spite of the terrible things that you have been forced to deal with! Please be kind and gentle with yourself as you are healing.... it's okay to be upset when life gets rough! I will pray for your continued health and healing, and I will pray that you get to enjoy the children's recitals that you have worked so very hard to prepare them for! Keep up the awesome work! You can do this!!!! Just take one moment at a time and do the best that you can do. I also think you deserved a bowl of ice cream after all the nonsense you've had to deal with lately! Remember that everything is okay in moderation - no foods are off-limits! Again, I'm very sorry to hear about the dog bite.... take good care of yourself and keep trying! You're a very strong woman, and I know you'll get through this!!!! Best wishes for a fantastic weekend of recitals! Hang in there!
emoticon emoticon emoticon
~ Leslie

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    OMG Rajah I feel so bad for you emoticon The rabies shot's must have been awful but a well needed precaution. If it had been me I think I would have eaten more than a bowl of ice cream!! Don't beat yourself up for that, I hope it helped emoticon I hope your recital's go well and that leg heals soon and the pain stops. Life sure is full of surprises whether good or bad. Things have got to go up from here for you!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers - hang in there emoticon

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JBINAUSTIN 6/14/2010 2:13AM

    I'm so sorry a dog bite has sidelined you at this special time for you. It sounds very hard for you to be sidelined at a time when your students need you. God willing, you won't have any clotting problems and when the shots are completed, you can get back to your regular life.

You're brave to have had the rabies shots. Even if they're not really "optional", you still have to be brave to face them. I think you deserved your ice cream. I admit it's not the best solution for everyday problems, but I think when life REALLY sucks, it's OK to have a bowl of ice cream. At least you stuck with just a bowl instead of a whole carton.

Maybe you can substitute some seated weight training for the standing and walking parts of your workout routine until your leg recovers. Or focus on better eating and slightly smaller portions while you recuperate.

Best wishes for a speedy and complete recovery, and the continuation of your Spark routine.

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