Thursday, October 13, 2011
So I have sort of forgotten to update about my running lately. Last week I did not run due to the injury and subsequent staples in my scalp. I had a perpetual headache the entire week, and that did not subside until they finally removed the staples Friday evening. Let's just say that wasn't my favorite experience either. But I'm glad they're out, even if there are a bunch of little itchy scabs on my head from where they were at now. I'll take that over the pinching pain of the actual staples any day. The good news is that by Saturday morning, my head only hurt if I actually touched the spot where I damaged it. No more terminal headache! The weekend was relatively unproductive in relation to exercise, but I was back on track Monday morning with a 3.1 mile run. My speed was a little less than satisfactory, partly due to the rain and partly because I had taken the week off I think. I was tired and had a rough night the night before, but didn't let myself back out of the run even though I wasn't feeling it. Yesterday's run was better. I put in 3.15 miles in less than 35 minutes. I was back at my 11 minute pace (or real close to it), so that made me happy. I also changed up the route a bit and added a few different hills (I always run hills because I can't avoid them, but these were just different than my "usual" route). So overall I was pleased with my run on Wednesday. I was feeling somewhat tired but pushed through it and was proud of myself for that.
Luna is settling in well, and Sadie (my running partner/lab mix) has finally given in to the inevitable and started to play with her. I could see the cogs working in her little head, and she really REALLY didn't want to like this intruder to her home, but she just couldn't help herself and now they won't stop playing. I have to separate them when Luna starts to get tired because I am afraid Sadie is going to hurt her. She's so much smaller and her legs are still so weak. She spent the day at the vet's office yesterday for her chiropractic treatment, and she'll spend 3 days there next week for some cold laser therapy as well as more chiropractics. We're weaning her onto a regular diet now that the antibiotics have done some work on the yucky stuff in her tummy. We are also starting her on some of the supplements that the vet wants to try to help build her muscles and bones back up in her rear end. So hopefully those help too.
Anyways, I guess that's the latest in my house at the moment. Still haven't decided if I'll set a new weight goal or just work on maintaining yet, so for now I'm just in maintenance mode on SP and will worry about further loss later. I am working to eat at the lower end of my calorie range so that I may slowly lose over time, but not focusing on a pound a week loss or anything like that. The more weight I have lost, the more I realize that I'm not sure I'll ever be "satisfied" with a number on the scale. What I have come to understand though is that I can measure my satsifaction in my progress in other ways - like enjoying picking out clothes in the morning because I know they look good on me. Or looking in the mirror in the morning when I am getting ready for work and seeing positive things about my body instead of all those negatives. Sure I still have things I want to change, but it isn't everything anymore. I mean, would I love to look like Jillian Michaels? Hell yes! But I'm also realistic and realize that I may never achieve that. But sometimes I can even admire things about myself (i.e. no more muffin top - my size 7 jeans are now a bit baggy, and my running clothes actually make me look super fit). So I figure for now these will be my progress markers and the things that I look at more so than the scale numbers. I will still weigh in at least once a week to be sure I'm not getting off track, but the number on the scale has become much less of a focus for me in the last few months. And I'm OK with that.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
So over the past month, I have been trying to heal my heart from losing my precious Gabby. Lately I don't spend my evenings in tears on her bed, holding the box of her ashes, but I still have those moments. And I've felt compelled to browse petfinder on a regular basis. I have this gaping hole in my heart that I know won't heal on its own. This weekend we met a dog named Luna. And she needed me as much as I needed her. We met her on Saturday at the local humane society, and came back again to see her on Sunday. She has some physical limitations that the vet is hoping to help us fix, but we may not be able to make her completely right. She spent two months in a very small crate - two months where her body was growing quickly, with no exercise. So her back legs have become "cow-hocked", and she has difficulty walking in a straight line. Her feet point out instead of forward, and her muscle definition in her bottom is next to nothing. Her bones are weak, and she is fighting a full-blown bacterial infection in her tummy. She was probably a recipe for euthanizing at some point soon, when her legs no longer supported her at all. But she has heart and she's so very sweet. And she has gentle eyes. Her eyes were what called out to my heart, even before we knew she had issues.
Yesterday I picked her up at the shelter and brought her to PetSmart for her very first shopping trip. PetSmart was Gabby's favorite place (except for my parents big yard), and walking in with Luna instead of Gabby was difficult for me. I've been battling guilt over bringing Luna home so quickly, but as someone reminded me - Gabby doesn't need me anymore. Luna does. So even though I cannot ever replace my beautiful Gabby, I can love and cherish another dog - one that needed me so badly. And I think Gabby would approve of this. Perhaps Gabby is even her guardian angel now. I really don't know.
After PetSmart (new toys, new collar, new leash), we headed to the vet's office to see what we needed to do about her legs. When we got there, they brought us to the room where Gabby died. That was hard enough. Then they took Luna back for x-rays, and 45 minutes later she wasn't back yet. The last time I sat in that room waiting on x-rays for 45 minutes, I lost a huge piece of my soul. I was mid panic-attack when the vet tech offered me some ice cream cake. I had a couple bites, but couldn't even eat the ice cream. THAT is not normal for me. Finally they brought her back in, and it looks like maybe we can make some progress on her poor little legs. She has one hip that looks like it may cause her issues down the line, but the main problem is that her muscles and bones are so weak in her rear legs that she struggles to walk, and is probably in at least some pain from it.
The holistics guy at the vet's office did a chiropractic adjustment on her after the first set of x-rays and the 2nd set of x-rays showed remarkable improvement. So this is very good news. With continued chiropractic care and a good diet (after this tummy issue is overcome) and exercise, she will hopefully be sound enough to live a happy life - and maybe even be able to run with me one day.
She's such a little blessing, but at the same time I almost want to cry when I look at her because the reason she's in my life is that Gabby isn't. And that makes me very sad. But as I said, she needed me as much as I needed her. And perhaps she can help me heal, at least a little. I can't replace Gabby. And I know that. But I can love this dog and give her the life that she never would have had otherwise. Maybe some special person out there would have taken her on, but with so many other healthy puppies to choose from, I just think that Luna would have been thrown away as a lost cause. But she isn't. And I promised her that she doesn't have to be afraid anymore. She's definitely fearful right now, and nervous about everything. But she's opened up just in the last day and really started to blossom. Her personality is coming out and she's just so happy. I don't know where she spent the first 8 weeks of her life, but she spent the last 8 weeks in a teeny cage with very little attention - and she's still so very sweet.
Anyway, here is a picture of our new baby girl. I'm sure the first of many to come.
Thursday, October 06, 2011
So I haven't worked out since Friday last week. After my argument with the car and the subsequent staples in my scalp, I haven't exactly felt up to doing much of anything but sitting with an ice pack on my head.
Good news is the staples are due to come out tomorrow after work. So I am hoping when I get there, that will still be the case.
I just hate that I haven't worked out this week and add that to the fact that I'm bloating because I'm due to start my period this weekend... in general I feel like crap.
I'm up 2 pounds - back to 130 as of this morning - though I believe that to be mostly bloating/water weight. I definitely haven't eaten enough to gain 2 pounds this week. But it still makes me feel gross.
I am debating aiming for another 5 pound loss, but haven't decided yet. On one hand I think it is important for me to maintain for a while and get a feel for how that should go. But at the same time I get all disappointed when I maintain because the scale isn't moving south anymore. I know at some point I can't keep losing weight. I don't want to get to the other extreme on the healthy weight issue, and I worry that I could easily get there. Not that I could easily become underweight, but that I could easily work towards it with a vengeance that I know wouldn't be healthy for me.
It's hard for me to be satisfied in a maintenance state. I like to be moving forward with a goal of some sort. When I initially got to a maintaining place, I focused on a goal of running a 5K. Something I really didn't think I would be able to do in the amount of time that I accomplished it. I can consistently run that 5K distance now, and I am getting faster, but I feel like I need a new goal and I don't know what that is. To be honest, I've considered increasing my distance with running, but I don't have the time to dedicate to distance running. I need to stick with my 45 minute workout times for now, so upping the distance significantly isn't realistic for me right now. I guess I need to come up with something else... I'm just not sure what that is or how to find my next goal. I'm open to suggestions at this time too... Actually I guess i'm usually open for suggestions. I don't mind constructive input from others. Criticism just for the heck of it, on the other hand, will be immediately deleted.
Anyway... I guess I will keep thinking on this...
And hopefully be back to running next week. I did cheat and lift weights briefly this morning. I just needed to do SOMETHING. I know it's not a big calorie burner, but it made me feel a teeny bit better to have done something exercise related this morning.
Also an exciting development is that my partner started the C25K program this morning!! Now whether she sticks with it or not is another issue altogether, but I am hopeful! And working hard not to push her because that typically just makes her quit. But I'm excited about the prospect of possibly running a 5K with her! I am not a big fan of running alone, which at this time is all I ever get to do. Not that my lab doesn't count, but often she's not allowed to run in the races, and she's not the best motivator since she often decides she's done running about half-way through our 3+ miles. Sometimes she's fine the whole way, but I think she gets bored with running, and she definitely doesn't like it when I choose hilly routes. I'm not sure how many more years she'll have of running with me. She's already 5 years old and technically larger dogs hit "senior" age around 7. My shepherd - my beautiful Gabby - she was unable to run with me most of her life. She had terrible hip dysplasia, so power walking was about the best she was able to do, and I was OK with that. But I do kind of wish for another running buddy. Preferably a human running buddy... although I'm open to the idea of bringing another large dog into our home. Just haven't had the right one come along, and haven't felt ready to do any serious looking yet.
My precious baby girl will have been gone for 4 weeks this weekend, and I still can't believe it. I cried last night when I realized how long she's been gone already. I honestly am not sure how I survived this past month without her, and I can't figure out how I will get through the next month, or the one after that... I just miss her so much.
Sunday, October 02, 2011
So I had an argument with my car this weekend that resulted in 4 staples in my head... Not my best moment. And not my best weekend.
I'm going to say odds are real good I won't be running tomorrow. I've been resting with ice packs on my skull and taking ibuprofen every 4 hours to keep the pain and swelling down as much as possible. But I am definitely not feeling great. I'm not sure if I am going to work yet tomorrow either. We'll see how I feel in the morning I guess. But I'm not overly confident that I'm up for much more than what I did today - recliner, TV, napping, ice, drugs. That's about the extent of my day today. Really really fun. Not.
I didn't get much of anything accomplished this weekend since I spent a few hours holding gauze on my head waiting for it to stop bleeding, then when that didn't work, finally going to the emergency clinic to get it checked out, which was followed by a painful cleanup of the wound, numbing shots, which were somewhat painful too, staples which thankfully didn't hurt at the time, and a lot of pain since then. Joy.
Anyhow, if you're queasy about blood and such, stop reading here. If not, enjoy this beautiful picture.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Despite the anchor named Sadie at my side, I ran this morning's 3.12 miles with an 11:02 pace. For whatever reason, at about 1.5 miles Sadie decided she was done running and slowed significantly so that I was having to actually pull her along. Then at about 2 miles she changed her mind again and ran next to me the rest of the way, but for about a half mile, I had some serious resistance going on with my run. But I still managed to run faster this morning than I have before. Most of the speed happened in the 3rd mile, but still, I figure it's progress. I even sprinted up the last big hill in this morning's route, which was hard but made me feel good to know I could do it.
I got a decent amount of sleep last night too, partly because I fell asleep in the recliner at like 7pm and got up just long enough around 9pm to wash my face, take my pills, and fall back into bed. I think I was just so exhausted from all the emotional stuff from the day before.
I guess I sort of thought I was past the breakdown point, but I guess not. I literally spent the rest of Wednesday in tears. I cried all the way home, then laid on Gabby's bed and hugged the teeny box with her ashes in it and cried the rest of the night. Did you know that if you cry enough, the skin on your face actually starts to peel off? Well I learned that Wednesday evening. Tray forced me to eat dinner, which was probably a good thing, but that was the most productive thing I did all evening.
I've just never had a loss like this before. She was my child, even if she was adopted. My entire adult world was literally built around her and her needs. And I'm just having the hardest time figuring out who I am without her and how to shape my routines. I am struggling with feeling guilty for changing things, and when I looked at my budget today to see how it will change going forward, I felt even more guilty that my expenses will be reduced so much without her here. All the meds she was on and everything else relating to her care is no longer required, but it seems like some kind of betrayal to delete those from my budget.
I just miss her so much.
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