Tuesday, September 21, 2010
At least things are going a little better in therapy. Whether or not that is a permanent change remains to be seen. Another session awaits me tonight, so we'll see what happens. But at least I've been feeling more normal. Probably that is just the meds kicking in, but maybe some of it is me too.
Been walking in the mornings, and started running again. My ankle is finally not sore after we walk in the mornings, so I felt like running a little would be OK. It didn't hurt after, so I'll take that as a good sign and start working my way up again. I only ran for 4 minutes yesterday after our walk, since I was running late and needed to get into the shower, but better than nothing. I felt good and felt as though I could have kept going with no problem. I wasn't tired or out of breath. I set my alarm earlier and will start increasing from there one minute each session until I get back to where I was before, and hopefully start improving from what I had worked up to before. I don't want to be stupid about it and put myself back to not being able to walk at all, so I'll take it slow.
My goal right now is to work my way up to running for 30 min at a time, and then slowly increase my speed so that I'm running at least 10 min miles, and then further improve from that point.
If I can just stay focused.
Friday, August 27, 2010
A long time ago, something bad happened to me. Something I never dealt with. And it's come back to haunt me a decade later, which has been stressful enough. Finally, I started therapy because obviously I can't seem to shove this experience back in the box that it's lived in for the last 10 or so years, and I didn't know what else to do. In therapy, I am working on "connecting the emotions to the experience", which has turned out to be incredibly painful and difficult. Supposedly it's necessary. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but my shrink swears it is there. Recently everything has felt out of control - emotionally, even physically (racing heart, panic attacks etc). The temptation to hurt myself physically, which I haven't done in 10 years has also returned, and thankfully my partner was kind enough to remove my weapons of choice, which for now has been enough. One more thing I can't control though.
So now I've turned to controlling food. For a while I didn't eat at all. I know, not healthy, but I was so sick to my stomach from the emotional stress that it was much easier not to eat than to put food in my stomach and feel as though it was going to return at any moment.
Yesterday I started back on Lexapro. Which I realized I can't afford. My previous insurance (when i was on it a few years ago) was apparently better, and the medication was within my budget, but now it isn't. So I have a 30 day supply with doubts about refilling it. Probably not helpful. I'm debating calling the doc and asking for a switch to something a little more budget friendly. We'll see. It was pulling teeth to get this prescription as it was. So I'm not in a hurry to call them back.
Anyways, I forced down a banana for breakfast this morning. And I have some saltines that I will be eating for lunch. I know my calories are coming in extremely low right now, but it's the best I can seem to do at this point. I figure it's better than not eating anything, and I still feel like I have control over this one thing. Even if what I'm taking in is not as much as maybe I should be. I am guessing that I'll eat 800 or so calories today. About half of what SP says I should eat. I'm also not exercising for various reasons, which I figure cuts down on my calorie needs anyhow. I'm healing from an injured ankle, I'm extremely busy with school work, and I'm so emotionally spent by the time I get home from work from forcing myself through the day that I can barely do more than fall into bed.
How long will this last? It feels like forever. Even though I know that it probably isn't. But things have been getting worse steadily for a few months now.
Vacation was a relief. I was able to take my mind off of things almost completely for an entire week, but it was all waiting for me when I got back. And now that we're starting to really dig into things in therapy, all hell has broken loose. I'm just not sure how much more I can take. I feel like I'm hanging from a cliff by a rope that is rapidly fraying, and nobody is going to be there to catch me when I fall.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
So my assignment today, should I choose to accept it (obviously, I have), is to blog about anything.
So... what to blog about? I suppose I will blog about my upcoming vacation. I am SOOOO looking forward to this! The first week of August I'll be at my childhood vacation spot in Michigan with my parents. I wish Tray could come along, but she's got class, can't get out of work, and we have noone to leave the dogs with. So for this vacation, I am somewhat on my own. But maybe it will be a nice little break for both of us. I suppose that is healthy in a relationship - to occasionally spend time apart. Typically the only time we spend apart are the hours we spend at work. Neither of us even have friends that we hang out with separately. So we do sometimes start to get on each others nerves just because we're basically on top of each other all the time. Now don't take that dirty, it was not meant that way!
Anyhow, a week apart - distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?
The biggest thing I'm looking forward to (besides the big lake freighters - it's an obsession... O.o) is the weather. I am SO looking forward to getting out of this hot, gross, Georgia weather!! Even if it is just a brief reprieve.
I'm also looking forward to doing a lot of walking with my mom, and some fishing with dad. Maybe some sight seeing as well, but mostly a lot of relaxing (I hope).
Here is to keeping the dietary intake in check on vacation! :)
Friday, June 11, 2010
I wasn't sure we'd even run today. It's 95 degrees, and extremely humid. It's painful to breathe just walking out the door. BUT, I had a super stressful day - came in early for inventory, worked through lunch (forgot to eat in fact), and then worked another hour and a half over as well. I figured by the time I was done the guy I run with would have already left for the day, but he hadn't so I made the choice to give it my best effort and get out there. We took water with us (as usual), and I made it!! We ran farther on both runs - so I'm running (estimating) about 1.5 miles and walking the other 1/2 mile. And THAT is farther than I've ever run in my entire life - even when I ran track in high school! I was a sprinter, and never once ran further than a mile. So I am doing this in increments, which maybe is cheating, but I'm doing it. And that is what counts. I almost made it to the top of that gigantic hill today. Next week, I will make it all the way to the top of it. And if I keep at it, soon I'll be running the full 2 miles! That 5K is getting closer! But MAN I hope whatever route I end up with for that is not as hilly as this route that I am training on!! It will be easy-peasy then. :)
Ok - off to dinner. I'm famished since I forgot lunch and then burned a bunch of calories on the run. :)
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