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I am my own worst enemy

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Or so my shrink tells me.

I have forgiveness issues. And grudge-holding issues. And I can't seem to figure out how to fix either one of them. I may be part pitt-bull. I will hold a grudge long after it's dead and decayed, and I am most guilty of holding them past that point against myself. There are a few grudges that I've held against other people way too long too, but mostly it's just me.

I really don't know what to do with this. The questions she asked - what would happen if I allowed myself some slack or forgave myself for choices I've made in the past - I don't know the answer to them. And I'm not allowed to say "I don't know". I have to come up with an answer. But the thing is, I can't even picture the results because I don't know how to go about it in the first place.

I may be at this therapy thing for a LOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG time at the rate I am going. :(

Anyhow, on a lighter note, I ran again this morning. Farther than I intended. I was just going to increase 1 min at a time each time, but I felt good so I kept going... My ankle is starting to be a little tender this afternoon, which may be left over from this morning, but overall I still feel pretty good. I will run again on Friday and will increase again, and we'll see how I feel at that point.

We walked this morning as well. Fun fun. Just wish I could get Tray to step up the pace sometimes. She's very slow in the mornings...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMPETIT 9/22/2010 3:12PM

    If you stopped holding a grudge, or if you forgave yourself for something you have been holding a grudge against, then the outcome would be that you might slip and think that it's okay to screw up the same way again.

But that's silly and you know it - which is probably the reason you can't figure out the answer to the question. Everything you come up with doesn't make sense because the situation doesn't make sense.

Good luck - it's not easy, but once you start thinking like this, life becomes an interesting puzzle.

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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

At least things are going a little better in therapy. Whether or not that is a permanent change remains to be seen. Another session awaits me tonight, so we'll see what happens. But at least I've been feeling more normal. Probably that is just the meds kicking in, but maybe some of it is me too.

Been walking in the mornings, and started running again. My ankle is finally not sore after we walk in the mornings, so I felt like running a little would be OK. It didn't hurt after, so I'll take that as a good sign and start working my way up again. I only ran for 4 minutes yesterday after our walk, since I was running late and needed to get into the shower, but better than nothing. I felt good and felt as though I could have kept going with no problem. I wasn't tired or out of breath. I set my alarm earlier and will start increasing from there one minute each session until I get back to where I was before, and hopefully start improving from what I had worked up to before. I don't want to be stupid about it and put myself back to not being able to walk at all, so I'll take it slow.

My goal right now is to work my way up to running for 30 min at a time, and then slowly increase my speed so that I'm running at least 10 min miles, and then further improve from that point.

If I can just stay focused.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRYDEQUEEN 9/22/2010 9:49AM


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CELIA1975 9/21/2010 6:24PM

    You can do it! It's a process. You have the right mentality. One step at a time.


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No good.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

So another 'fun' therapy session awaits me after work today. I've been in knots all day. Nothing to eat today because I'm feeling so queasy. I know it's stress and anxiety at this point. And I've not been on the meds long enough for them to have done any good yet. I'm debating quitting therapy altogether since I feel like I'm getting worse rather than better. I've not been this stressed out in a really really really long time. I think in the last week I may have eaten 10 meals total. Maybe. I'm just so sick to my stomach at this point, and so tired that I really just want to lay in bed and sleep for a week or three. I am having the hardest time focusing on anything - work, school work, even reading a good book. I find myself reading the same sentence 3 or 4 times without taking in the meaning of it, and getting frustrated and giving up on it altogether for a while. I have walked in the mornings w/ Tray and the dogs the last few days, which is good, but that's about the only healthy thing I've done in a couple of weeks now. It's just not good. :(

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUSIEQ911 8/31/2010 3:05PM

    Stick with it.

If therapy were easy, everyone would do it.


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RAINBOWCHARMER 8/31/2010 12:30PM

    I have no idea. At this point I really don't know which is worse.

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AMPETIT 8/31/2010 12:29PM

    I'm sorry it's so difficult.

Would quitting actually work or would you just persist with these horrific feelings for the rest of your life?

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Unhealthy habits, and my rope is fraying.

Friday, August 27, 2010

A long time ago, something bad happened to me. Something I never dealt with. And it's come back to haunt me a decade later, which has been stressful enough. Finally, I started therapy because obviously I can't seem to shove this experience back in the box that it's lived in for the last 10 or so years, and I didn't know what else to do. In therapy, I am working on "connecting the emotions to the experience", which has turned out to be incredibly painful and difficult. Supposedly it's necessary. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but my shrink swears it is there. Recently everything has felt out of control - emotionally, even physically (racing heart, panic attacks etc). The temptation to hurt myself physically, which I haven't done in 10 years has also returned, and thankfully my partner was kind enough to remove my weapons of choice, which for now has been enough. One more thing I can't control though.

So now I've turned to controlling food. For a while I didn't eat at all. I know, not healthy, but I was so sick to my stomach from the emotional stress that it was much easier not to eat than to put food in my stomach and feel as though it was going to return at any moment.

Yesterday I started back on Lexapro. Which I realized I can't afford. My previous insurance (when i was on it a few years ago) was apparently better, and the medication was within my budget, but now it isn't. So I have a 30 day supply with doubts about refilling it. Probably not helpful. I'm debating calling the doc and asking for a switch to something a little more budget friendly. We'll see. It was pulling teeth to get this prescription as it was. So I'm not in a hurry to call them back.

Anyways, I forced down a banana for breakfast this morning. And I have some saltines that I will be eating for lunch. I know my calories are coming in extremely low right now, but it's the best I can seem to do at this point. I figure it's better than not eating anything, and I still feel like I have control over this one thing. Even if what I'm taking in is not as much as maybe I should be. I am guessing that I'll eat 800 or so calories today. About half of what SP says I should eat. I'm also not exercising for various reasons, which I figure cuts down on my calorie needs anyhow. I'm healing from an injured ankle, I'm extremely busy with school work, and I'm so emotionally spent by the time I get home from work from forcing myself through the day that I can barely do more than fall into bed.

How long will this last? It feels like forever. Even though I know that it probably isn't. But things have been getting worse steadily for a few months now.

Vacation was a relief. I was able to take my mind off of things almost completely for an entire week, but it was all waiting for me when I got back. And now that we're starting to really dig into things in therapy, all hell has broken loose. I'm just not sure how much more I can take. I feel like I'm hanging from a cliff by a rope that is rapidly fraying, and nobody is going to be there to catch me when I fall.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LCOBB46756 8/30/2010 12:50PM

  I am praying for you. All will be well!!

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AMPETIT 8/27/2010 1:10PM

    You will prevail. Just remind yourself that you are not there. That is not now. This is not real, and it is not here. Find a mantra that will help and get you through it.

When I was feeling major depression, I would give myself permission to cry when I had the time. I was the one in charge - not the tears. Not the depression. This is the same - although a little harder.

So, promise yourself you'll think about it for 10 minutes in 20 minutes and it'll go away for that 20 minutes. Then you can think about it for 5 minutes in 30 minutes. and then an hour, and then 2 hours, and then at the end of the workday, and then... and then... and then...

Good luck. You are loved and supported - remember that too.

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JUST2SWEET 8/27/2010 12:48PM

    I hope things improve for you.Good Luck!

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Tuesday for the L Cafe

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

So my assignment today, should I choose to accept it (obviously, I have), is to blog about anything.

So... what to blog about? I suppose I will blog about my upcoming vacation. I am SOOOO looking forward to this! The first week of August I'll be at my childhood vacation spot in Michigan with my parents. I wish Tray could come along, but she's got class, can't get out of work, and we have noone to leave the dogs with. So for this vacation, I am somewhat on my own. But maybe it will be a nice little break for both of us. I suppose that is healthy in a relationship - to occasionally spend time apart. Typically the only time we spend apart are the hours we spend at work. Neither of us even have friends that we hang out with separately. So we do sometimes start to get on each others nerves just because we're basically on top of each other all the time. Now don't take that dirty, it was not meant that way!

Anyhow, a week apart - distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?

The biggest thing I'm looking forward to (besides the big lake freighters - it's an obsession... O.o) is the weather. I am SO looking forward to getting out of this hot, gross, Georgia weather!! Even if it is just a brief reprieve.

I'm also looking forward to doing a lot of walking with my mom, and some fishing with dad. Maybe some sight seeing as well, but mostly a lot of relaxing (I hope).

Here is to keeping the dietary intake in check on vacation! :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAPPY_HANK 7/14/2010 10:39AM

    Moderation is the key to a good vacation. I also treat myself to something when on vacation I am just careful not to go overboard.

Hope you have a great vacation!!!!

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