Tuesday, June 05, 2012
Just checking in!! Things are good. I feel like I'm progressing. My running program isn't one of complete diligence, but I'm getting in swimming and walking instead, so that's PROGRESS in my book.
I hope everyone's doing well. Love you all -- keep on trucking!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Well, it's been a weird couple of weeks. I alluded to some family drama about a week or so ago, and since then I actually went on a mini-vacation with them. It was just me, my sister, and my mom and dad.
It was a great trip.
My sister and brothers and I want to have a big old sit down talk with our parents, but the vacation made me feel a little more at ease about airing out all of our issues. So that's good.
Other updates - I've been keeping up with the Couch to 5K plan and that's been going really well! I feel great and I'm loving the challenge.
I'm not tracking my food as of late. I'm trying to rely on what I know (and have known for years now) about eating right and making good decisions. I HAVE IT IN ME TO EAT RIGHT. I'm not going to track food for the rest of my life -- it makes me just a little crazy. I do, however, need some structure and guidelines, so I'm working on typing up a list of those.
I went completely off sugar for about a year -- but recently I've been indulging occasionally. And that's awesome -- I'm proud of myself for being able to enjoy dessert OCCASIONALLY, and knowing that it doesn't have to turn into a binge.
These past few months have involved a LOT of soul searching for me - I'm slowly figuring out what it means to be Rachel and uncovering that awesomeness. Some of it is frustrating...but it's all worth it.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
After a weird weekend with lots of family drama and emotional exhaustion, it's somehow Wednesday already and this week is nearly over.
The family drama is being addressed (and my siblings and I are going to get together with the parents to have a...meeting? intervention? kumba-ya circle?). But after discussing all of it with my therapist yesterday and exchanging a lot of really awesome emails with my brother and sister, I was WIPED THE F*CK OUT. I went to bed at 8:00 last night. No lyin'.
One thing I need to remember while going through all of this -- take time for ME. Walking/running/napping/meditating/cooking -- whatever it is, I need time to just sit with myself and decompress. And, y'know, that's probably good advice for, like, ALL THE TIME. I just forget to do that. I feel like I absorb everyone's emotions -- when I interact with anyone, I empathize and feel with and for them. That gets tiring.
So there's my goal for today and for the upcoming weeks. And I'd like to make sure that I post updates here more frequently. I need to stay connected here because it's good for me and MAKES me feel good.
Thank you for supporting me, Sparkfriends!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Well, I just got back from a secular recovery group meeting. While I already knew what kind of addiction I deal with (compulsive overeating), this meeting left me feeling SO hopeful and SO clear-headed.
I'm not here to proselytize or preach, but I've definitely found a solution -- and that's to believe in MYSELF. To have faith that I KNOW what the answer is and that I'm NO LONGER POWERLESS.
For over a year, I went to OA meetings and told myself that I didn't have it in me to handle my food issues. That I was just in denial if I thought I could deal with the addiction all on my own. That recovery (real recovery) requires surrender to God -- even if I don't believe in one (or at least struggle with what that means). That I'm not strong enough. That I have to follow the steps and completely abstain and say the right words and go to meetings FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, IF I WANT TO RECOVER.
Well, I don't believe that anymore.
Here's what I DO believe. Here's what I DO know:
- I can rationalize my way through anything. I can make excuses till the end of time. But in the end, I want moderation and healthful, meaningful living. I LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO AIM FOR THAT.
- I am strong enough. Dammit - I'm intelligent and insightful and when I'm empowered, I'm a force of f*cking nature. I'm so sick and SO tired of people telling me I'm powerless. That's just making it worse.
- I also know that the program can work for other people. And if they're happy - that's awesome. But I'm not going to put myself through it anymore. I'm grateful for where OA got me - it's made me stronger and more determined. But I've outgrown it.
It's time to grab the reins and take control. Because I can do it. I'm relying on myself, because you know what? Rachel knows what the hell she's doing. She's always known. This time? The only thing getting in the way is negative self-talk. F*ck that noise.
I want to get healthy, and that's what's going to happen.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Do any of you own a Garmin? Is it worth it? What kind do you have?
I'm considering one, but I NEVER wear any kind of watch. I'm only just starting up running again, and would want something that's pretty low tech, but still informs me of mileage and pace (if that's even possible). I've heard the 305 is pretty cool, but if I can spend less, I'd be into that.
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