Tuesday, September 30, 2008
-Festival was AWESOME. It was fun to let go and rock out with friends for 3 days.
-I probably walked at least 5 miles both Friday and Saturday, a little less on Sunday because we drove. You know when you are gulping down water and not having to pee, you are adequately sweating.
-The only thing sore on me is my back from laying on the couch funny yesterday.
-I ate a lot, but only when I was truly hungry. We had a big meal each day before going (not healthy, but less crappy than festival food) and then a small snack while there, then another meal after we left. Tried the rabbit food approach the first day, but seriously, after being out in the sun walking around for hours, a 6 dollar itty bitty side salad or wrap just does nothing but make you go "ok, and then...?".
-I seem to have lost weight - or at least I am back down to almost my low weight - today I am 167.6. It's not probable that I will drop another 2.6 lbs by tomorrow to hit 165, but it's much more probable than having to drop like 4-6 lbs instantly! If it's going a little slower - that's fine. It's just the getting stuck I take issue with.
Ok, so what's next?
-4 good, solid workouts this week today-Fri (as long as my back holds up)
-Eating on the same lines as I did last week (until the festival), crap tons of fruits and veggies, more fat/protein, at least 1500 calories, with permission to go over if I'm stuffing my face with broccoli and grapes. Seemed to be good last week and as long as I'm not gaining, I'll stick with it for a while.
-More relaxing this week when I am not working/workouting. Nothing crazy until this weekend, please!
More tomorrow. Today was a really hectic work day tied up in meetings, so hopefully tomorrow will be more conducive to typing more (and updating the reports, sorry again Sapphires)! Just didn't want everyone to think I slipped into the ether...
Ok, must go workout, see ya laters!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I like to live by thought that setbacks are only failures if you don't learn something from them. So this week, instead of feeling like a failure because the weight isn't coming off, I spent a lot of time thinking about why, and doing it objectively. And then it came like a ton of bricks...
DUH WOMAN, YOU'RE NOT EATING ENOUGH. (and when I was up there in calories, it was all booze)
So most days, I'd eat a tiny little breakfast, lunch, a piece of fruit, and a small dinner trying to stay as close to 1200 calories as possible. Most days, I would burn 600-800 calories working out, and also be working strength training which isn't counted but I'm sure burns calories too the way I do it. Last week just in cardio count I burned close to 4k calories and that's without counting the downtown walking.
Lately, I've been feeling very run down, if I was a lesser woman I would have hit the caffeine hard again but I know it will just make me jittery. I can't get warm, yesterday even in a sweater, a shirt, thick pants, and shoes that covered most of my feet I could have used a blanket in the office, and I was snuggled under the blanket at home almost all night. My nose is actually cold right now. In a sweater. I felt like I was coming down with something Tuesday night, but somehow a moderate workout and rest helped and I feel fine. But I'm sure my immune system isn't cranking as well as it should be. I also stopped improving in my weight training - one day I was doing 90 lbs and then the next I was struggling with 80. Machines got harder, not easier.
These are all HUGE signs of the body heading into starvation mode, and I was too blind to see it. Any time in the last few months I've been over 1500, it's been due to booze. So I've been feeding myself between 1000-1500 usable calories a day, burning more than I ever have, and it's just not adding up to anything good. Add on top of that stress with the family here and the fiance's job situation and him stressing about everything and frustration of not losing weight when I should have been - and I had this festering unhappiness beneath my calm exterior because of it.
Some of the situational stuff is gone - my parents being up in my hair when I was home is resolved. I can eat when and what I want, relax, not have to worry about anyone getting upset that my work and workout schedules are disruption to them, etc. Fiance and the unemployed stuff - the company is getting closer to real concrete and funded, but not there yet. His actual unemployment checks should start rolling in soon as well. As long as we have his unemployment and my salary, we won't even be touching savings for a long while. Actually, if the funding goes through soon, we could even have made money on the deal. Crazy. But with the parents not here everyday, the fiance isn't stressed about balancing the "why aren't you making money yet" and "spend every waking moment with us instead of getting stuff done" comments, so he is relieved (though he's been a bit under the weather so that's not helping).
Some stuff doesn't go away. I'm always tempted to undercut my calories just a bit more and workout just a bit more until I'm running myself ragged. It's the frog in a pot syndrome, if you increase the temperature too fast, he'll hop out, but if you keep increasing it notch by notch, he'll stay there until he boils to death. I use this in running to my advantage - I usually start around 11-12 minute miles and end up at 8-9 min miles (depending on my length). If I even tried to go from a walk to 10 min miles I'd fly off the treadmill, but 9 is only a little faster than 9.5 and so on and so forth. However, when I try to be just a *little* better at both calorie counts and the gym over and over...it starts to boil me to death.
So what have I learned and what am I doing? Well, the "doing" is easier. I am eating more. I am going to try not to go under 1500 calories a day (where before, I was not going OVER 1500 calories per day). So I don't fill this up with junk calories, I am eating at least one serving of nuts (let me tell ya, a handful of almonds had NO place in a 1200 calorie diet being...oh, about 1/6 of my daily count), and at least 6 servings of fruits and/or veggies per day. Also, anytime I'm hungry and have access, I have permission to eat all the fruits and veggies (in as close to their natural state as possible) I want. This has resulted in 1500-1700 calories each day this week, and I hope to keep that up. I'm back down within 1.5 lbs of where I was, and hopefully this is a prelude to a decent loss soon.
What have I learned? Well, I guess I'm still learning. I'm trying the increased calorie count, but it's making me incredibly nervous. It's weird to have gone from the girl who didn't give a flying fig what went in her mouth and couldn't be bothered to leave the couch to someone who eats very little and is compelled to always be doing moremoremore in the gym. I guess she was always there, just focused on other stuff. And I guess I still see her, tightly locked away in a reinforced steel cage inside. Sometimes she bangs loudly enough and makes me want to just sit on the couch and stuff my face with chips like old times. But when I get up and grab veggies and go for a run, she's quiet again.
I've also learned that though I might have made the decision that weight loss was a priority over increasing my fitness...I just can't do it. Decreasing my 5k time each week (or mile, or running further, or lifting more, etc) is MUCH MORE FULFILLING to me now than losing weight. And it's something I can control, rather than hope for. So until I can't stand it anymore, I'm going to keep working on that, eating enough to feel my body start liking me again, and if I stay in between 165-170 for a while... so be it. It's not a bad weight on me, and even in the last month of crazy I have seen progress in things fitting better and looking better. This week, I shaved almost THREE MINUTES (went from 32:20 to 29:35) off my 5k and started to increase my weight/reps again, so I think what I'm doing is working.
I want to keep going though, so the peace I have made with myself is temporary. I want to fit in my high school prom dress for the cruise in November. I want to rock the new bikini top I bought then too. I have size 11 leather pants that need to be made into some sort of costume that upon last try were a wee bit too small. I have a handful of clothing still in the "too small" pile I want to wear again. I still have further to go, but I think I need to stabilize my footing and re-establish my grip here before I start slipping and fall down.
I just need time to see that eating more is OK, I won't gain a bunch of weight back, and it will help me. It's easy to suggest, but it's hard when it's your body you are experimenting with.
Off shortly to my last workout of the week, then to start the long weekend of concert going. I'll be back Tuesday if not before and let everyone know how things are going. Happy weekending!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
...to reality that is. Hehe.
Yesterday I had the same mad mad want to put the world in my belly feeling after dinner (which was mahi mahi, a cup of brown rice, and a buttload of veggies, so not exactly small), so I gave myself permission to stuff myself with good stuff since I was under 1300 calories for the day. First I had the leftover veggies from dinner. Then I had some frozen fruit. Then I had a piece of brie and a serving of turkey pepperoni. Fiiiinnnallly, after all that, I felt somewhat satiated. I had just over 1500 calories (good), about 7-8 servings of fruit/veggies (great), and everything is pretty much in order. I would just have liked to frontload my day with more good food instead of stuffing my face at night.
Today, I brought an extra piece of fruit to work to help with that, and I'm grocery shopping after work and picking up boatloads of fruits and veggies, some easy grab protien like nuts and jerky and stuff, and hoping to make it through the week on my new plan and see what happens. This weekend will utterly mess things up but I'll just do what I can and not worry about it.
Workout seems to be going well. Today I am doing the DDR/yoga day because I have to get groceries, and trying to hit the gym THEN the grocery store then eat means I will be ravenous at the store and that does not bode well for not picking up lots of random munchies. That means I'll either have to do abs 2 days in a row or skip a day... but I guess I could also work different sections, or do some today as well... we shall see.
I suppose I don't have much more to say today. Goal is 6 more fruits and veggies today, around 1500-1600 calories of good food, shopping for happy good food, a good DDR and yoga session, and more good rest and relaxation tonight.
EDIT: Oh! I just got the list of food vendors at the festival and there are actually some decent choices, with wraps and salads and such. There is one hamburger place that I've been wanting to try so I might splurge one day but it's nice to know I can get some good food! We still want to eat a good sized meal before we leave to go there, but I can grab a fruit salad or something decent if I get hungry between then and dinner.
Monday, September 22, 2008
First of all, the parents have vacated the house as of this morning and are getting settled at their own house! Yay for them! My dad seemed very excited to be leaving but my mom was sad, I think she liked having more people around to pester. I have my nice, quiet house back that I can do anything I like in at any time. Though the dishes and the kitchen not being picked up everyday... that I will miss.
The weekend was very weekendy. I ate BBQ, I ate jellybeans, I ate a burger and potato salad, I ate spaghetti and meatballs, I ate pizza - and the last two days I am just unsatisfied with everything and want to eat more more more. I did get in all 5 workouts last week but 3 of them were just DDR low intensity. I drank like a little fishy on Saturday (though didn't make an arse of myself like the birthday girl or some of her other friends, hehe). I think my body is just so devoid of good food that its back in that state it used to be in, where I just never feel full until I'm gorged. A couple days of good eating should fix that.
I'm actually planning on changing my eating habits just a little this week, for better or for worse on my weight loss. I think part of the stress the last few weeks is that I wasn't eating enough on days I was working out (1200ish calories on an intense workout day was NOT enough, even if the 2000+ days did balance me for the week). My body was just exhausted and started feeling like it was weaker. So, I'm going to try to continue eating normal for me, but add in extra snacks of fruit, veggies, and maybe even some nuts/protien, even if it makes my calorie count go up. I need to find that sweet spot where I can lose again, and even if I'm not losing, I need to find a comfortable calorie range that doesn't make me feel weak or like my metabolism is out of whack.
So the goal is at least SIX servings of veggies and fruit per day, increased breakfast, and more snacks.
-Smoothie, 1/3 cup cereal, and fruit for breakfast - 200 cal
-Normal lunch (usually either salad bar, sandwiches, asian food of some sort) - 500-600 cal
-Fruit snack before workout and some nuts/jerky/protien 150 cal
-Normal dinner (usually a small serving of protien, starch, and loads of veggies and/or salad) 500-600 cal
-Late snack of veggies or fruit -100 cal
This, on the outside, will run me 1650 calories, and I can't imagine being being hungry or unsatisfied in any way. I can still have whatever I want within reason for lunch and dinner, and I'm loading up on the good stuff. I was always sad that I couldn't eat more fruit because I was low on calories, and that seems silly. I highly doubt my body is going to gain weight for the sole reason of OD'ing on fruit. And who knows, maybe if I start getting used to eating more fruits and veggies, I'll want less of the other stuff even if calorie count is not a factor. I mean the goal is to one day be able to maintain my weight, fitness, and health without having to carefully consider each meal and count everything, hopefully this will get me closer.
Workouts - well, I'm going to attempt to get through the month as planned. I have a 3 day music festival to go to, so hopefully the walking activity will balance out the eating crazy festival foods (I mean, I'll do what I can do and not go crazy, but since we can't bring food...). Then, next week, I am totally back to normal, nothing crazy for a while besides the odd weekend gathering here and there. I'm actually looking forward to it.
Yay for plans. Lets see how this works out. I'm considering how much I need to track to be accountable but not totally bored with it and like a second job...so I'll consider that tonight and see what I come up with.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Nothing to do with this post, just a stupid funny pic of me thinking about shopping. Yes, totally random. But that's how I roll.
-Only 1 pita pocket at mongolian and half the rice they give me, if i get noodles, then no rice and half a pita. (check, half the rice, NO pita, hehe)
-Get through what promises to be another slow day at work. (check, wasn't too bad)
-Either DDR and yoga or an easy run and some weights (check, did 20 mins on cybil, 25 full body strength, 20 run)
-Only 1 serving of lasagna for dinner and lots of salad (check)
-One SMALL slice of lemon merengue pie OR a serving of frozen yogurt (check, though it was cut for me, so it wasnt as small as I'd like, but i left the crust)
-Get a good gaming night in (check)
-Remember my attitude is controlled by me, and being pissy about things doesn't help anyone. (check, think I was positive most of the day)
Short recap -
Parents stuffs get here either late Saturday or Sunday. I will not expect them out until Monday, but if they are still there on Tuesday, they'll start hearing about it.
Today's scale reading fluctuated between 167.2 to 169. Bleh at the top number, but ya know, it'll happen when it happens.
Gym again today, 4 mile run and super awesome treadmill stretch routine is on the docket. Tomorrow I will squeeze in some DDR and then off to the water park and downtown carousing. That should do me for the week.
Food has been a little more normal. Pho lunch today, BBQ tonight (which is fine, I can behave myself around a plate of brisket, turkey, and chopped beef to the tune of being within my calories). Tomorrow is going to be dicey with waterpark food, italian dinner theatre, and drinky poos, but I will just make the best choices I can/want to, and get right back to the mass consumption of veggies and fruit the next day. And life will go on. Such will be for the music festival of doom. I am thinking lunch at home before we go, dinner in the parky area, not stress on missing a day of gyming in favor of miles of concert going walking.
Off to post the Sapphire weekly report, mow down the rest of my honeydew, and then hit the gym. Have a great weekend, sparkypeeples!
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