QUILTINGB52   69,721
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My depression makes me angry....

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go.

Whether it's guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal.

Change is never easy.

We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Take good care of yourself... I wish I could give you a real hug! emoticon

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VIADOLOROSA 5/24/2014 7:01AM


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PEGGYO 5/22/2014 7:05AM

    so true

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    Isn't it the truth. You are in my prayers. Love ya

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MOMMA_BEAR_69 5/20/2014 11:31PM

    Prayers for you Annie. Change is difficult and the bigger the change the harder it is.
Continued blessings and hugs,

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Challenges of Life...

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Many of us have different types of challenges that tend to clog up our lives ~ emotions, physical, health related, mind-games, etc. How we cope with them can greatly change how we feel about ourselves.

Are you the type that meets these challenges head on? Do you succumb to the emotions and eat through it? Or do you listen to all the negativity and fill yourself full of self-doubt?

I have experienced all these and more!

I grew up in a 'controlling negative atmosphere' and when my parents died in Nov 2011, for the first time in 59 years ~ I was struggling to out-stretch my wings and soar skyward. Their legacy they left me was filled with self-doubt, low self-confidence and low self-worth.

For the first time in my life I was NOT totally surrounded by - "no you can't". The whole year of 2012 was filled with adventure, discovery and building up what had been broken down too many times. I made my own choices, began doing things for ME and the magic began to take place.

We all have that common bond ~ we are here to lose weight. To find that skinny person that lives within us. But for me, it goes WAY beyond that ~ it's much more than just re-learning to eat proper serving sizes and consume nutritionally sound foods.

One of my biggest discoveries was admitting that I am (was) an 'emotional over-eater'. Just saying it OUT LOUD helped to release years of crap from my life. Finding an alternative to "eating through my emotions" has been the challenge ~ but it CAN be accomplished. And now it doesn't seem so daunting anymore ~ all I did was reach out to others. I started to TALK through my emotions - instead of eating them.

Crutches kept me upright for 7 years and by Nov 2012 I was faced with "re-learning to walk or find an alternative". From Nov 2012 through January 2013, Occupational and Physical therapy took up a huge portion of my day. I was never able to consistently stand or walk.

Forty years of Osteo-arthritis had finally taken it's toll, my knee joints could no longer keep me upright. Every time I tried to stand, within 2 minutes - my knees would buckle.

Lymphedema is one of my health challenges ~ a protein based fluid gets into my legs but cannot be re-absorbed through the blood stream and lays stagnant in my legs. In March, I learned that due to the severity of my Lymphedema, I will NEVER have knee replacements.

To tell you the truth ~ when the Orthopaedic surgeon gave me this news ~ It was a RELIEF! I know that my body does not heal like a normal person! Accepting this news was easy, but finding a comfortable chair to fit me has proved more challenging.

In April, loosing Wayne really knocked the wind out of me. Whatever challenges I had, we were able to face together and now re-learning to 'go it alone' has turned too many emotions back on.

When I'm wearing my "big girl panties" I CAN handle anything - it just takes me a bit longer. I AM still the same person I was before all these challenges surrounded my life.

But when I'm experiencing a "pity party" ~ holy crap, all the negativity that continues to surround me today, gets blown out of proportion. I start believing all those people that tell me I can't do something because I'm in a wheelchair. Emotions have been running rampant - I have shut down, succumbed to the negativity, go with the flow and stopped caring.

Thoughts of moving out of this facility - that I HATE - I started thinking that maybe everyone is right? It really is easier to have someone else do everything for me.

When I stopped caring about ME....
* the 100# I lost during 2012 started reappearing.
* my smile quit showing up.
* my positive personality went into hiding.
* I cried more.
* I with-drew into my room.
* my sewing machine became covered in dust.
* I began sleeping all the time.
* exercise became a thing of the past.

Then one day, the 'organized person within' came to the surface. I was organizing my spending, when right there in black & white it hit me like a ton of bricks! I have spent over $20,000 for my surroundings and I continue to NOT request any assistance. I MUST BE STUPID!!

Slowly the transformation is taking place ~ Life and Living is replacing that negative list into positive thought and action.

The FEAR of moving and living on my own (again) is starting to break down. Admitting that I AM stronger than I think I am - is what I'm dealing with now.

Once I deal with those FEARS ~ I will once again be able to open those wings and soar skyward!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Keep up the good fight Annie! Your journey and your passion to keep trying to move forward are inspiring. Never stop looking for solutions...I'll be praying for you!

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QUILTINGBUDDY 1/10/2014 10:52PM

    Wow Annie, I'm so proud of you for facing all of this head on! You are so much braver than I am. I've been through a LOT just like you and can really relate to the negativity also. I was always told "You can't" my whole life. I, like you, have to learn to face my life and find a way to move forward without relying on food, without giving into the pity party (the easy but ineffective way) and doing what is best for me. I wish I knew how to be there for you, but I don't even know how to be there for myself. Life is hard, but we just have to keep on keep'n on. I want to try to be there for you. Let's check in with each other from time to time and help each other through the tough stuff ok?

And let's agree to keep on quilting!!!


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CLAIREINPARIS 10/16/2013 12:35AM

    You are a very brave lady, who is dealing with so much... It isn't surprising that loosing Wayne was a huge shock and that you needed time to adjust. You have, and you haven't regained all the weight lost, far from it: good for you!
And I believe you will conquer your fears and open those wings! I love your background picture, this bird is just beautiful and makes me want to fly too!

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CARO488 9/19/2013 11:12AM

    You are amazing! I love this post, because the beautiful YOU shines through!
hugs and prayers,

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 8/29/2013 11:04PM

    I'm so proud of you for loving yourself enough to TRY. You WILL succeed because you are a survivor and a person of great worth. I'm cheering for you my friend. emoticon

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RASPBERRY56 8/29/2013 5:46AM

    I am so, so sorry for what damage your parents have done to you.......such a shame!

Kudos to you for your strong attitude despite it all.......so many of us just crawl under the nearest rock and stay there!

I wish you the best with your health and life journey!

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MOMMA_BEAR_69 8/29/2013 1:50AM

    You have come such a long way, Annie. Now is not the time to quit. Now is the time to take care of yourself. You can do it!!!
You have written such a wonderful blog. It could apply to many of us, me included, at one time or another in our lives.
You are a fighter and all you have to do is spread your wings and fly. Dust off your sewing machine and make something that makes you happy!!! Do it for yourself and no one else. I am behind you 300% of the way!!!
Don't let anyone take your freedom to be you!!!
Prayers, blessings, love and hugs,

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_KATHY 8/28/2013 11:52AM


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JUST2OFUS 8/28/2013 11:18AM

    Annie, you hit the nail on the head....You are RIGHT ON GIRL! This was a good post, as most, if not all of us, have at one time or another done the same things. Rock on forward, I'll rock with you. And Yes you can learn to cut sitting down; it isn't the easy way but it can be done.

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LADYBUG1943 8/28/2013 11:09AM

    A mentor once told me how he conquered negative self talk, as in "That was a stupid thing to do." He replaced it with "That's not like you! You usually.... [fill in the dots with some positive evaluation.] This works for me.

And I agree with Carlanne.... get that sewing machine going again!. Sometimes we "hold off" on the fun stuff because we feel like we don't deserve it. If not now.... when?


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CARLANNIE 8/28/2013 9:39AM

    What's that you say? Your sewing machine is covered in dust? Can't allow that! You know what you have to do. Dust it off. Figure out how to cut fabric up and sew it back together from your wheelchair, and make one gorgeous, beautiful "I Can Do This" quilt!!! And if you need help getting the fabric cut up, I'd be glad to cut it up for you if you send me the fabric and pattern. emoticon

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ROBERTAUP 8/28/2013 7:12AM

    Thanks for sharing. Fear is the thing that cripples us, that's for sure.

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GRINGUITA 8/28/2013 6:35AM


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MTN_KITTEN 8/28/2013 5:11AM

    I called myself stupid earlier this week and a delightful Sparker gently smacked my hand... we are never stupid. We are intelligent, capable and caring people - who sometimes let everyone and everything tell us how to feel.

You are awesome! Get the mud out from your wings and truly fly.

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A Dog Lover's Prayer

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

A year ago, our beloved Buck was laid to rest. Then 10 months later, Wayne was reunited with him. I miss both "my guys", but am comforted to know that they are back together again. In that field of green that I often dream about!


My prayer book's unconventional,
An album scarred with age,
The dogs who shared their lives with mine
Stand out on every page.

Though some folks picture Heaven's gates
Atop a golden stair,
The precious photos in my book
Inspire this humble prayer:

Lord, lead me to a sun-washed field,
Then send them one by one;
Let yelps of joy lead wagging tails
As to my arms they run.

This Heaven that I pray for, Lord,
Where lilacs scent the air,
Is blessed with all the dogs I've loved
Who come to greet me there.
~Toni Fulco

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMLOCOLINDA 8/10/2013 2:56AM

    This is a beautiful prayer for our lost beloved pets. I like the idea of the Rainbow Bridge where they are waiting for me. I say that my beloved little Jazabel, the mama dog bichon is up there bossing around all my big dogs and having them dig a big hole just in case they have to pull my big butt thru. I have 4 bichons buried at the bottom of the hill on my my mom's side of the duplex. I planted tulips with Jaz when she died so I would get notice from her that she was painfree and running and jumping and playing like in her younger daze. All the tulips came up RED...which is my least favorite color!! And I used to say that she was a little Devil Dog...because the Devil would be cute and sweet to entice you in. Just proved it! And Jake has bleeding hearts on his grave. I miss those dogs every single day. I had them 14 and 15 1/2 years. I have 2 new ones...Gus and Grace. They are wonderful little rescues that I got at about 5 and 6 months. They are from the same father and different mothers. Only Gus is in my photo gallery as Grace hasn't taken a really good picture yet....Linda can't figure out the digital camera!!

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GEORGIA_KAY 7/1/2013 9:10AM

    Beautiful. We just lost our dog Tino yesterday. it's a sad for all of us. Thanks for sharing this. It helps!

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MOMMA_BEAR_69 6/26/2013 11:50PM

    AWESOME blog!!! Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Annie. May God continue to bless you with healing and comfort as you continue to deal with your losses. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily.
Prayers, blessings, love and hugs,

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    Beautiful. Thanks for sharing this Annie. I hope that you continue to heal daily & that you can feel the love that your "boys" have for you, flowing down from above. We love you too! emoticon

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GRAYGRANNY 6/26/2013 9:56AM

    Oh Annie!!! Losing 2 of our pets within a few months of each other several years ago.....this one hits home. Thank you!!!

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ELSEEBEE 6/26/2013 9:53AM

    Absolutely beautiful. Thanks for sharing! This will be copied and shared with all my dog loving friends.

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A Whisper, a Song and a Smile

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Thank you Pam (JUST2OFUS) - I will often thing of Wayne in this way...being as close as a whisper, a smile, and a song.

April 5th, Wayne headed to Tucson, Arizona for some warm sunny days - away from the Minnesota Winter. He was staying with a guy that had the same interests of viewing the night sky and taking Astro-photography. The morning of April 11th, Wayne died - unexpectedly, in his sleep.

Who knew that the quiet, shy person I met 36 years ago...would win my heart over so quickly.

In those early years, we frequented a restaurant that had a theatrical organ and they played a song that quickly grew to be our favorite. I still think of it as "our song"... Toccata & Fugue in D minor - by Sebastian Bach (here is one rendition) - we always referred to it as Taco's & Fudge...

There are many other songs that I continue to play today - many of Wayne's favorites that continue to put a smile on my face, reminding me of many memories we shared. Memories that continue to bring a smile on my face just thinking of him.

One afternoon, about a week after Wayne's death, I was trying to get a nap in before dinner. I felt him climb into bed behind me, he whispered that he loved me, engulfing me with a hug and I quietly slipped into slumber.

I miss my best friend SO much....but the other day I was reminded by a thought I came across. Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars, you have to let go in order to move forward.

I'm trying...but this is SO hard for me. He leaves a huge hole in my life and moving forward seems so scary.

Then yesterday I took a baby step forward - I called a realtor, told him I was wheel chair bound and what I needed to "move forward". I NEED to get out of Assisted Living - they do nothing for me except make me crankier every day! lol

I need to re-find that positive person inside and get back to LIVING......

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GEORGIA_KAY 7/1/2013 9:08AM

    Praying you find the new house soon my dear emoticon

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MOMMA_BEAR_69 6/11/2013 12:59AM

    So glad that you are moving forward. Some days will be easier than others. Wayne will be with you forever...just a memory of something he said or did will set off a memory and he is right there with you...in mind, heart and spirit. No one can take your memories away!!! They and Wayne are with you always.
Blessings, prayers, love and hugs,

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JOLETTE 6/7/2013 7:59PM

    Annie. there is a place for you to dream again. Hope it is soon. You make a difference to us but you deserve a difference outside too.

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LKWQUILTER 6/5/2013 9:20PM

    Sending good thoughts your way Annie. Sure hope you find a place. I do know of a house already handicap/wheel chair friendly. Also, south GA does not have snow or freezing winters. ((HUGS))

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LOUISEH54 6/5/2013 6:30PM

    Oh Annie,

I know where you are ...I felt this way 8 years ago when Frank died. I bought a new house too in order to move forward. I know there are many different reasons that you're doing this. I know you can take this giant step forward.

Music is a great healer. It still brings memories flooding up to the surface.

Wayne will always be there with you. I'm here if you ever want to chat.

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    I am so proud of you Annie. Moving forward is exactly what Wayne would want you to do. You are in my prayers.

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STLOUISWOMAN 6/5/2013 1:17PM

    Annie, Wayne will never really be gone from you. Just his physical body is gone, his spirit remains.

Hope the realtor can find what you need & want quickly.

Just remember, we're here to do whatever we can ^ we love you.


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GRINGUITA 6/5/2013 1:02AM

    I hope that realtor can find you the perfect house to start this new chapter of your life.


Bev Anne


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Thank you!!!!!!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Thank you ALL for the hugs, prayers, love and support!!

Thursday, when George and Theo came out to tell me the the "Love of my Life" had died...it felt like a freight train had hit me - full force in the chest. It took my breath away...

It would have been so easy to just curl into a ball and want to follow Wayne...because half my heart died with him! All our hopes and dreams were snatched away...much too soon.

But in this 'Assisted Living place' (AKA - Hell) - there is plenty of time to stop and reflect on life. And the more I thought about it...I knew that God took him home, because he knew I would never be able to handle that whole end-of-life scenario. That sitting by the bedside watching your loved one waste away...that was never something I could handle.

Although any loss is too great to bear - when you surround yourself with others the burden can be shared. The load doesn't seem quite as heavy when you surround yourself in love and support from other people in your life.

Friday was a day of sadness and every time I needed to be near Wayne, I called his cellphone just to hear his voice.

Saturday was better than Friday.....the more I talk about Wayne, the easier it has been to get in touch with my feelings. I've shared my news with a few people here and they have surrounded me in hugs...the healing process has already begun.

Saturday night I asked Shery - Wayne's sister - if she would fly to Arizona? I needed answers and I need her to bring him home...I will pay for everything. She wasn't satisfied with the little bit of information that we had and had already called the County Sheriff's department in Tucson asking similar questions.

We now know that Wayne died peacefully in his sleep and I'm thankful that he was with someone that could call for help. If this had happened at home, he may have laid there for many days before someone found him.

My inability to get around - because of this wheel chair, has kept a distance between us...that frustrated both of us. We were just starting to work towards getting my independence back and I will definitely continue the process.

Wayne's family is totally keeping me in the center of all plans - for his Memorial service and beyond. Although Wayne & I were never married, we did have 36 awesome years together and for that I am blessed! They treat me as if I was his wife and are honoring him by keeping me tucked safely within their family unit!

I told Shery that Wayne's ashes needed to be taken home with her. Wayne & I had started looking for a house last year, some place in a DARK SITE (non light polluted area). We were planning on building an Observatory as he was into Astrophotography.

My only request was that a small part of Wayne's ashes be placed in a Rocket. His nephews - Rick, Shane, Tim and Joe need to be present. His ashes need to be shot up into space..."to the final frontier". And these young men need to give Wayne a proper - Nerd Uber Sendoff!!! I WILL make certain that it happens and they will all totally understand why!!!

While Shery will be taking a larger amount of Wayne's ashes home to the farm. There will be 3 smaller urns for Me, George and Tim...to do as we please. So, I will have a bit of Wayne's ashes buried with me when I die....and we will be back together again.

I grew up with so much negativity in my life and now I have been surrounded by so much love from his family. I had no idea they felt so strongly for me and that they would honor Wayne by making me feel like a part of their family.

Wayne's nephews have already informed me that whatever I need - they will take care of me for life. That my needs are only a phone call away...I am so blessed.

Whenever I need to feel close to Wayne....I only have to look upward, find the brightest star and know that Wayne is shining brightly down on me - guiding me with his light.

One of you told me that "Wayne is not gone ~ he is as close as a whisper, a smile and a song."

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_KATHY 4/25/2013 11:03AM

    I'm reminded of these lyrics to one of my favorite Bob Dylan Songs.

"Seen a shooting star tonight and I thought of you.
You were tryin' to break into another world, a world I never knew,
I always kinda wondered, if you ever made it through.
Seen a shooting star tonight, and I thought of you"


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SANDYRAE5 4/23/2013 9:56PM

    Annie you are such an inspiration to me. I can totally see why Wayne"s family loves you and are keeping you as a part of their family. May you feel God's arm around you as you grieve the loss of Wayne.

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KALLIE1958AR 4/19/2013 1:34PM


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GEORGIA_KAY 4/17/2013 6:16AM

    I cried when I read this, but then smiled at the end. You have such a beautiful, courageous spirit, Annie. God bless you always!

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LKWQUILTER 4/16/2013 9:11PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NYKIMMIE 4/15/2013 5:41PM

    emoticon emoticon

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KARRENLYNN 4/15/2013 12:01PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. But I'm glad you had so many good years with someone you loved. And I'm glad you found love and support with his family.


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KALLIE1958AR 4/15/2013 9:31AM


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MOMMA_BEAR_69 4/14/2013 10:45PM

    Dear Lord, you are our refuge in good and in bad times. In your infinite mercy, bring peace and comfort to those of us who face days sometimes filled with pain and depression. Help us to realize that through you there is joy and the promise of lasting peace. Help us through the rough times. Walk before and beside us so that we may walk in your footsteps and reach out to you in our journey on this earth. Help us to focus on our blessings rather than our misfortunes, dear Lord. Thank you for hearing and answering our prayers. Amen

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MOMMA_BEAR_69 4/14/2013 10:45PM

    It doesn't surprise me that his family loves you!!! Always remember that Wayne will forever be with you in your heart and is only a thought away. This blog is such a great tribute to your love for him!!!
I just wanted to share the following:

Native American Prayer

I give you this one thought to keep-
I am with you still -I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not think of me as gone-
I am with you still - in each new dawn.

Blessings, love and hugs, dear friend,

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STLOUISWOMAN 4/14/2013 10:38PM

    Annie, I am so glad that Wayne's family is including you. That is where you rightfully belong. I know it's what he would have wanted.

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GRINGUITA 4/14/2013 7:55PM


What a lovely idea to honour his passion for "the final frontier".

After what you have told us about your own family I understand why you are amazed by Wayne's family but it is nothing more than you deserve. I'm glad you know that you are part of this loving family now.

Comment edited on: 4/14/2013 7:55:39 PM

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GEORGIA_KAY 4/14/2013 6:38PM

    It doesn't surprise me a bit that Wayne's family loves you. Anyone who knows you, loves you. You're just that kind of person--a blessing to all around you.


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    Beautiful blog dear Annie. You are a blessing to us all, as I am sure you were to Wayne. I am so grateful that his family is honoring you so. Bright blessings to you dear friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon

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4DOGNIGHT 4/14/2013 1:01PM


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JUST2OFUS 4/14/2013 12:40PM

    That is right Annie, a whisper, a smile, a song. I believe that with all my heart.


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RORYLYONS 4/14/2013 12:31PM

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss..My thoughts & prayers go out to you. emoticon

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