Wednesday, June 16, 2010
I have never blogged before, and I am not really sure how it’s done or if there is a right or wrong way to do it. But there is something I want to share, and I hope no one minds if it seems unimportant. In a way, I guess it is.
But it seemed so big to me when it happened.
For a moment, I was a child again, and I just want more moments like that on this journey to a healthier lifestyle. So---
I spent hours in the swimming pool yesterday, but I didn’t swim. I know, I know—it’s great exercise and all that. But that’s not what I was after. In fact, I didn’t know what I was after until I felt it.
I wanted that feeling I used to have when I was a little girl. Twirling in the leaves in the fall; running through the sprinklers on a steamy summer day; jumping up and down on a mattress with my sisters, higher and higher, giggling. I wanted to be—
And I experienced that again in the pool. The aches and pains of arthritis were gone. The heaviness of steroid-induced fat was no more. The pressures of diabetes and lupus and obesity and depression and hypertension all disappeared in hours of floating, paddling, bobbing, twirling, in cool, non-judgmental, supportive water.
You know what I felt like? Like the vapor trail of a jet—you can’t see the plane, just the long pale tail of a high flying silver bird. When the airplane is on the ground it weighs several tons, but in the air it’s a different story. Or like a cruise ship that displaces tons of water. You only see the graceful part that’s above the water and not the acres and acres that are undersea. The plane, the boat, they just seem—weightless…
And I felt like I did before I knew I was fat, like I did when I was a child, just ‘chubby’. When it was ‘baby fat’ and ‘she’ll grow out of it!’
I don’t know if I’m saying this the way I want, if it’s clear how I felt. The experience of weightlessness was incredible, indescribable, and I wanted to stay that way forever. Like I was back in the womb, before societal expectations, when it was okay to float and suck your thumb and everyone was delighted with you before you even appeared in time and other-space and began to care about the size of your butt in a bathing suit.
So I floated and floated and floated.
And I realized something. Every day has cares and worries and responsibilities that weigh me down. There is always something to do or someone to answer to or someplace to be…that will never go away.
But ---for a few moments I was---
And I believe now that I only need to close my eyes and feel that cool blue water holding me, cradling me, and I can be that way again in my heart.
I have pounds and pounds to go before I reach my goal weight, before I am healthier than l have been in decades. And I know it’s going to take time. And that’s okay. It’s hard to be hard on yourself when you can spend a few moments of your life….
Weightless. Again. And so very blessed.