Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Undeniable Adult Truths
1. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
2. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
3. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
4. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
5. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
6. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
7. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
8. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
9. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
10. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
11. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
12. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Yesterday was my birthday. My wife, my parents, my kids, they all forgot it. I went to work where even my colleagues didn't say anything.
As I entered my office my secretary said, "Happy birthday Boss!"
It made me feel special. She asked me for lunch. After lunch she invited me to her apartment. We went there!
She said, "You mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay", I said, feeling vaguely frisky.
She came out five minutes later with a cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues, all screaming "SURPRISE SURPRISE!"
I was waiting on the sofa, naked.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Six retired Floridians play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse.
A member of the group, Meiers, loses $5,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five finish playing the hand standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards, and Goldberg "wins" the duty. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name," he says. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meiers' apartment and knocks on the door. Mr. Meiers wife answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $5,000 playing poker, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
"Will do," he says.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Drinking and Driving
You totalled your car.
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That case of Bud Dry?
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