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A Monk's Tale

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Monks

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......


But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BECKYSFRIEND 7/9/2013 8:55PM

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PAMNANGEL 6/30/2013 12:54AM

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BARB4HEALTH 6/27/2013 7:42AM

    Bet Adrian Monk knows. He is the world's greatest detective!

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MCFITZ2 6/26/2013 11:28PM

    You got me. Thanks for the laugh. emoticon

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MARCIEMCGOWAN 6/26/2013 9:09PM

    that was funny. But I don't want to become a monk to learn the secret.

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Consultant

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Consultant

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.” says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? “

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know anything about my business."

"Now give me back my dog!"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PAMNANGEL 6/30/2013 12:57AM

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GRAMMYEAC 6/26/2013 6:24AM

    Love it!

guess many of us have been there.


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MARCIEMCGOWAN 6/25/2013 9:46PM

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that was so funny, thanks.

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A Great Golf Score

Monday, June 24, 2013

This is a little black humor.


Best Round of Golf

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!"

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care, and you will be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PAMNANGEL 6/30/2013 12:59AM

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GRAMMYEAC 6/25/2013 6:07AM

    Sick, sick sick!

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MARCIEMCGOWAN 6/24/2013 11:23PM

    that was sick and funny at the same time.

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Father of One of My Kids

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Paternity

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My gosh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made whoopee with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my behind with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

61INCHGAL 6/25/2013 10:23PM

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MAYBER 6/22/2013 7:24PM

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TXGRANDMA 6/22/2013 12:11PM

    emoticon Can you believe he SAID that? emoticon

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MARCIEMCGOWAN 6/22/2013 10:50AM

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SHOAPIE 6/22/2013 9:13AM

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EWL978 6/22/2013 9:02AM

    Serves him right!!!! emoticon emoticon

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MYBESTNOW 6/22/2013 8:50AM

    That does say a lot! Boy, he's carrying around some luggage, huh! emoticon

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How To Get A Raise

Friday, June 21, 2013

How to Get a Raise

A maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase.

Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you deserve a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife: (really furious now) "Did my husband say that as well?!"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

  
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MARCIEMCGOWAN 6/21/2013 10:03PM

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USMAWIFE 6/21/2013 6:10PM

    cute

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