Saturday, June 22, 2013
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My gosh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made whoopee with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my behind with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Friday, June 21, 2013
How to Get a Raise
A maid asked the lady of the house for a pay increase.
Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you deserve a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife: (really furious now) "Did my husband say that as well?!"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
Thursday, June 20, 2013
24 Hours to Live
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to be intimate. Of course she agreed.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could be intimate?" Carol agreed.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eights hours of life left. He touched Carol's shoulder and said, "Darling please? Just one more time before I die?" She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Darling, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen, I'm not being funny Barry, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!"
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup."
Monday, June 17, 2013
The Grieving Wife
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that darned gun!'"
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