Tuesday, September 16, 2014
A recently retired Nebraska farmer went to Dallas for the first vacation he had taken in his entire working life. He checked into a downtown hotel, but when he got to his room he immediately called the front desk.
The farmer said, "This here bed kin sleep the whole Cornhuskers football team! I only wanted a regular-sized bed."
The clerk responded, "That is a regular size bed, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"
The farmer went to the hotel's bar and ordered a draught beer. When he was served, he said to the bartender, "This is as big as a milkin' pitcher. I only asked for a glass of beer!"
The bartender answered, "That is a glass of beer, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"
When the waiter in the hotel's dining room brought out the steak the farmer ordered for dinner, the farmer exclaimed, "That steak's as big as my thigh, the baked potato's bigger 'n a watermelon, and this corn-on-a-cob's as big as a baseball bat! Where'd this come from?"
The waiter replied, "It's all local, sir. You have to remember that everything's big in Texas!"
When the waiter asked the farmer if he wanted to see the dessert menu, the farmer said he might be able to squeeze something in, but after consuming all that food and drink he needed to use the restroom first.
The waiter directed him to go down the hall to the first door on the right.
By this time, the farmer was quite inebriated and mistakenly went through the first door on the left. He walked across the tiled floor and fell into the swimming pool. When the farmer came sputtering to the surface, he yelled out, "For gawd's sakes, please don't flush!"
Sunday, September 14, 2014
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.
- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. --George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. --Victor Borge
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. --Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. --Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. --Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. --Jimmy Durante
Friday, September 12, 2014
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd really love to be ten again" she replied wistfully.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosties and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M's, her favourite sweets.
What a time she had!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"Oh dear", she replied. "I meant my dress size..."
And the moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
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