Saturday, December 21, 2013
Note: These are not my views on this subject. Note authors. Interesting.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... --Brian O'Rourke
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Friday, December 20, 2013
Christmas Carols For Psychiatric Patients
Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personalities: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town (to Get Me)
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....
Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, Then Maybe I'll Tell You Why!
Attention Deficit Disorder: Silent night, Holy -- oooh look at the kitty! Can I have chocolate? Why is France so far away?
Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock
Bipolar Disorder: O Come, All Ye Faithful -- no, get the hell away from me.
Alzheimer's: What Child is This?
Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (Then Took Away...)
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
A father buys a lie detector robot; it slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
"Where were you last night?"
"I was at the library."
robot slaps son
"OK, OK," the boy says, rubbing his arm. "I was at Jerry's house."
"Doing what?" asks the mother.
"Watching a movie. Toy Story."
robot slaps son
"OK, it was porn!" cried the son.
Father yells: "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
robot slaps the father
The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"
robot slaps the mother
Monday, December 09, 2013
Girls Night Out,
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
She replied.... "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up and running.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... Oh I miss him so much !
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "But, why?"
"You work for the Internal Revenue Service... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
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