Monday, March 05, 2012
With my first week of truly tracking and paying attention completed I was actually looking forward to hitting the scale this morning. Yes, I was at the high end of my range most days and yes, the date night with my husband involved taking an amnesty approach to the diet but not seeing the result I had hoped for, or much of a result at all sent me to a very negative place. I ran a few times and tried to make the right choices with foods but I spent the week hungry every day. When I got on the scale and saw only -.6 I had to wonder what the point of being hungry, rearranging my schedule for exercise and not having the girl scout cookies we ordered was. I mean seriously - caramel delights?! Then I (stupidly) asked my husband how his weigh in went. He was down 6lbs. His LOW end calorie range is higher than my high end! And that was how my morning started, with a giant storm cloud over my head because of the number on the scale and feeling like a failure.
So, here I am, at lunch time and I'm still trying to get over it. I posted my weight on the weigh in and I said I would give it one more week. I know, for me, there seems to be a week delay in seeing any impact so I will try it one more time. I do wonder at this point if I need to just accept myself as I am, I've been hungry every day, now I'm frustrated and feeling bad about everything and for what? A number on the scale and on my tags? It hardly seems worth it.
I still want to do a full marathon at some point, I've done 2 half marathon's already and countless 5ks. Losing the weight would certainly make that goal easier. I would LOVE to go to the beach and not worry about what I have on this year. It would be nice to like what I see when I look in the mirror.
But what did I learn this week? Truly? I learned that this isn't a part time thing, date nights are going to require some control. Exercise plans are going to have to be squeezed in regardless of what else is going on and maybe, in there somewhere, I learned that I do need to accept the way I am today because it is possible that may not change and I need to find a way to avoid letting that be my sole way of defining who I am.
Yes, I know any loss should be celebrated as a good loss but I can gain or lose a few pounds in the space of a couple of days without paying any attention to what I'm eating and having never left the couch. So why go through all of this and be hungry and miserable on top of it? I'm not trying to be whiny, I hate being negative and I know if this were easy everyone would do it but I am extremely frustrated and wondering if all this will be worth it in the end. A tough call to make this early on which means I need to keep going. I know, when next Monday comes along, if that number hasn't moved I will probably give up and just thinking about that makes me even more sad. I am in for a rough week, especially knowing that Monday is only 7 days away and it may not show me the answer I want to see.
All I can do now is get through one day at a time and see where it takes me. I hope it's to a better place than I went today and I hope I can stick to the good food choices even though they don't seem to make a difference.