Monday, February 13, 2012
December 31, 2011, my grandmother passed away. Since then, I've been busy trying to clean out all the junk she left behind.
I'm not talking about heirlooms or antiques or even keep-sakes. I'm talking about J-U-N-K! She kept everything. She kept old aluminum foil, old rags, clothes from the 60's and 70's that she couldn't wear, let alone WANTED to wear. She had shoes that were still in the boxes. She had clothes with the tags still on them. Jar lids and old newspapers. (If you've ever seen "Hoarders" you'd understand. She just had these things packed away so that no one could see them.
I'm almost done with the cleaning, but I still have to go through my own closet and dresser drawers to get rid of clothes that I CAN'T WEAR ANYMORE!!!!!!!! (That's a great thing, no?)
Today I did Just Dance 3 for 45 minutes. It's the first time this year that I've done any Wii. I did count the really heavy house cleaning as exercising, though.
My life has changed drastically, and that really scares me. I don't adjust to new things very quickly and my friend who is helping me doesn't understand that. (Men don't usually understand why women do whatever it is we do.)
If I could say one thing to my grandmother it would be, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! Did you really NEED to save used tin foil?" Oh, and one more thing, "Those flowers you accused "S" of killing are coming up now. I told you they would."
Losing someone is hard. We do have to get on with our own lives, but it's still hard to do. I miss her and I don't. How do you deal with those mixed emotions? I feel guilty when I don't miss her and sad when I do. (But I always feel guilty about something. That's just the way I am. I blame myself for everything and think I should have control over more than I do.)
"S" insists that I lose the weight. He worries about my health. But, for an overweight diabetic with mental problems, my health is pretty good! lol
I worry about my health, too. It's not as good as it used to be. I'm getting older and I know my body is wearing out faster and faster. I do want to enjoy life before I'm too old, or sick, to care. I do not want to be like my grandmother. I don't want to sit around waiting to die.
It's the middle of February and I'm making a new resolution. I WILL change my life, no matter how much "Me" wants to keep things the same!
Am I the only one who fights amongst herself?
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
"May you live every day of your life." - Jonathan Swift
It seems like every day is the same. Get up, wash dishes, do laundry, get groceries, go to doctors' appointments, etc. It's all the same day. It's no wonder it's so hard to remember what day it is. They're all the same.
So, what do I do to make things different? How do I shake up my life?
In thinking about this quote, I feel like I've gotten so far away from actually living that I'm not sure I'll ever find my way back. I'm so tired of "same ol', same ol'."
Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to find a way to make it a NEW day!
That's a promise to myself!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Stress, what can I say that hasn't already been said?
Okay, so I've got a grandmother who's 88 and has pancreatic cancer. I've got a friend who doesn't get along with my grandmother, and she doesn't like him, either. They both fuss about each other all the time.
They don't seem to realize, or care, that they're causing me endless stress. I have tried to get them to work together, but let's face it, they won't cooperate with me let alone each other.
Today I had to endure endless fussing from my grandmother. If she couldn't get me to argue about one thing, she tried another. This went on from the time she woke up till she went to sleep.
I know she's sick. But, she hasn't really shown any symptoms. She says she's not in pain. She's just angry that she can't have everything her way.
Today I dealt with the stress by not arguing with her. I didn't say anything, I just ignored it. If she demanded something, I did it right then. Unfortunately, she wasn't happy with that. What she really wanted was the argument. Go figure!
I really am trying. I have a temper, but I'm trying to keep it in check.
Meditation and prayer seem to help.
Monday, November 21, 2011
so get over it.
That's what I keep telling myself, but it doesn't work. I'm still angry and depressed and just plain tired.
I've got a little over a month to go before I get my sleep titration study. (That's where they fit you for a CPAP machine for sleep apnea.)
I'm losing weight, slowly, but surely so that's a good thing.
I think my biggest problem is that my grandmother is becoming senile. Quickly. She's started being cranky and forgetful all the time. Everything is my fault. (She dropped her glasses in the trash can and insisted on looking for them in places they couldn't have possibly gotten. Like on top of cabinets that neither one of us could reach.)
I'm trying to deal with her problems and mine and lose weight at the same time. It's not easy, but I'm not going to let someone else cause me to stop trying to take care of me.
That is my promise to ME!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I still lost weight. I'm down a total of 20 pounds since I started Spark People back in March, a total of 35 pounds since I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes last November.
There was a lot of emotional turmoil this week and I ate things I shouldn't have. But, I did start back exercising so I still lost weight.
I WILL do this. I will, I will, I will!
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