PRINCESSBEITER   15,982
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Still here, or back to start all over again.

Monday, February 13, 2012

December 31, 2011, my grandmother passed away. Since then, I've been busy trying to clean out all the junk she left behind.

I'm not talking about heirlooms or antiques or even keep-sakes. I'm talking about J-U-N-K! She kept everything. She kept old aluminum foil, old rags, clothes from the 60's and 70's that she couldn't wear, let alone WANTED to wear. She had shoes that were still in the boxes. She had clothes with the tags still on them. Jar lids and old newspapers. (If you've ever seen "Hoarders" you'd understand. She just had these things packed away so that no one could see them.

I'm almost done with the cleaning, but I still have to go through my own closet and dresser drawers to get rid of clothes that I CAN'T WEAR ANYMORE!!!!!!!! (That's a great thing, no?)

Today I did Just Dance 3 for 45 minutes. It's the first time this year that I've done any Wii. I did count the really heavy house cleaning as exercising, though.

My life has changed drastically, and that really scares me. I don't adjust to new things very quickly and my friend who is helping me doesn't understand that. (Men don't usually understand why women do whatever it is we do.)

If I could say one thing to my grandmother it would be, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! Did you really NEED to save used tin foil?" Oh, and one more thing, "Those flowers you accused "S" of killing are coming up now. I told you they would."

Losing someone is hard. We do have to get on with our own lives, but it's still hard to do. I miss her and I don't. How do you deal with those mixed emotions? I feel guilty when I don't miss her and sad when I do. (But I always feel guilty about something. That's just the way I am. I blame myself for everything and think I should have control over more than I do.)

"S" insists that I lose the weight. He worries about my health. But, for an overweight diabetic with mental problems, my health is pretty good! lol

I worry about my health, too. It's not as good as it used to be. I'm getting older and I know my body is wearing out faster and faster. I do want to enjoy life before I'm too old, or sick, to care. I do not want to be like my grandmother. I don't want to sit around waiting to die.

It's the middle of February and I'm making a new resolution. I WILL change my life, no matter how much "Me" wants to keep things the same!

Am I the only one who fights amongst herself?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAREN608 8/19/2012 6:43PM

    I battle myself all the time.

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PRINCESSBEITER 2/13/2012 11:13AM

    Thanks. It's good to know that I'm not alone in my "insanity." lol

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LUVS2WIN67 2/13/2012 11:08AM

    Nope I do the same thing. But I too, have resolved to stop beating myself up, stop blaming myself for things that are out
of my control. And most importantly, stop being the obstacle in
my own way! Good luck to you.

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Learning to LIVE Each Day.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

"May you live every day of your life." - Jonathan Swift

It seems like every day is the same. Get up, wash dishes, do laundry, get groceries, go to doctors' appointments, etc. It's all the same day. It's no wonder it's so hard to remember what day it is. They're all the same.

So, what do I do to make things different? How do I shake up my life?

In thinking about this quote, I feel like I've gotten so far away from actually living that I'm not sure I'll ever find my way back. I'm so tired of "same ol', same ol'."

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to find a way to make it a NEW day!

That's a promise to myself!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRINCESSBEITER 2/13/2012 11:02AM

    Blue, I haven't really done a lot to change my life, except clean house and get rid of things that don't mean anything to anyone, anymore. My life got changed for me with the death of my grandmother, so I'm not sure that really counts.

But, every day IS a new day and with every day new challenges come.

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WVAWACKADOO 1/12/2012 6:38PM

    Volunteer...at a hospital or a nursing home. Find a little ole lady in the neighborhood that is dying from loneliness & would be thrilled to have you visit. Offer to sit for free for a young new Mom that just wants to take a shower or run to the store/Rx. I always feel better when I take a minute to help someone out...

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WORKINGSTIFF 12/15/2011 9:25AM

    Every new day brings another possibility, no matter how large or small.

Little changes can bring big pleasure. Do you ever go to your appointments using a different route? Try something new from the grocery store?

You can do it!

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BLUE42DOWN 12/15/2011 1:45AM

    Wonderful!

I look forward to hearing what you did or found to make it new and to really LIVE it.

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Stress Journal - First Entry

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Stress, what can I say that hasn't already been said?

Okay, so I've got a grandmother who's 88 and has pancreatic cancer. I've got a friend who doesn't get along with my grandmother, and she doesn't like him, either. They both fuss about each other all the time.

They don't seem to realize, or care, that they're causing me endless stress. I have tried to get them to work together, but let's face it, they won't cooperate with me let alone each other.

Today I had to endure endless fussing from my grandmother. If she couldn't get me to argue about one thing, she tried another. This went on from the time she woke up till she went to sleep.

I know she's sick. But, she hasn't really shown any symptoms. She says she's not in pain. She's just angry that she can't have everything her way.

Today I dealt with the stress by not arguing with her. I didn't say anything, I just ignored it. If she demanded something, I did it right then. Unfortunately, she wasn't happy with that. What she really wanted was the argument. Go figure!

I really am trying. I have a temper, but I'm trying to keep it in check.

Meditation and prayer seem to help.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRINCESSBEITER 12/6/2011 9:35AM

    Thanks to both of you for your support. I know I can handle the situation, it just gets hard sometimes.

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2DANCEAGAIN 12/1/2011 1:53PM

    Dealing with negative people is so hard and so exhausting!! They are energy suckers! I used to put an invisible bubble around myself everytime I went to see my sister. Not giving in to the arguement is the way. It takes time to show them you wont go there. There are some great books out there on codependency that help with that sort of thing.
Im wishing you the very best. Try to use it as a motivator to make yourself better. Getting healthier will make it easier to deal with. you will think Im crazy (and I am), but I would do really wierd stuff Like put my hand out in a stop sign position and start singing "STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE - BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART!!" She would get so thrown off she didnt know what to do!!! Eventurally she started laughing and became happier! emoticon emoticon
I kind of made it a game to see how I could redirect her.
Sorry I rambled.
Thank you so much for all the support!!
emoticon

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_JODI404 11/30/2011 12:43PM

    That sounds like a tough situation. She may try hard to get you to argue, but I think not giving in to one is the best choice... eventually maybe she will see you are solid in holding your ground and tone it down.

Hang in there! Sending positive thoughts your way!
emoticon

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Life's Hard

Monday, November 21, 2011

so get over it.

That's what I keep telling myself, but it doesn't work. I'm still angry and depressed and just plain tired.

I've got a little over a month to go before I get my sleep titration study. (That's where they fit you for a CPAP machine for sleep apnea.)

I'm losing weight, slowly, but surely so that's a good thing.

I think my biggest problem is that my grandmother is becoming senile. Quickly. She's started being cranky and forgetful all the time. Everything is my fault. (She dropped her glasses in the trash can and insisted on looking for them in places they couldn't have possibly gotten. Like on top of cabinets that neither one of us could reach.)

I'm trying to deal with her problems and mine and lose weight at the same time. It's not easy, but I'm not going to let someone else cause me to stop trying to take care of me.

That is my promise to ME!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAYNEVALO 11/23/2011 1:08PM

    Just take it one day at a time. I can tell you are a very strong courageous woman and I know you will weather this. There is a very special place in heaven for wonderful people like you that take care of others. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving! emoticon

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JUDYHELP 11/21/2011 1:24PM

  emoticon It is very hard to take care of someone and yourself at the same time. Please don't get yourself down. I am doing the same thing with my 86 yr old mother. Hang in there. Don't turn to food as a comfort. Your still dropping pounds, so your doing good. Keep a bottle of water in your hands at all time. Stop by if you just want to vent. Been there, done that and still doing it. Positive thoughts for you and your grandmother. Hang in there. You can do this, your worth it!!! emoticon emoticon Judy

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Bad Week but...

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I still lost weight. I'm down a total of 20 pounds since I started Spark People back in March, a total of 35 pounds since I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes last November.

There was a lot of emotional turmoil this week and I ate things I shouldn't have. But, I did start back exercising so I still lost weight.

I WILL do this. I will, I will, I will!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAYNEVALO 11/19/2011 7:34AM

    I have had issues this week also. I need to stop the bad food choices and get back on plan. Hugs to you!

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HDHAWK 11/17/2011 6:58PM

    You're moving in the right direction! Stick with it!

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_JODI404 11/17/2011 5:40PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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