Saturday, May 05, 2007
I am very upset and the feelings just keep getting worest. I am in Sourth Carolina right now with almost my whole imemdate family except my dad, he had to work. I love my family and if anything happen to them I would fall to pieces. I want to make that clear because what I want to say and how I am feeling about them is horrible. I want to leave and never see them again. My whole childhood flashes before my eyes everytime they around. I get blamed for things done. Okay one example and this my be alittle gross but it actually happen. I got blamed for putting my burgers on the walls of my parents house...Yeah Gross! I keeped saying I am not the one thats doing it. After I moved out my mom found out it wasnt me and finally believed me!!! Then I got blamed for being a wild child. I wasnt that wild, seriously. Okay so I smoked my 1st ciggy at 12. My best friend and I got caught and that stopped very quickly. I do smoke now but only when I am stressed to my limit. I never did any drugs until I was 15. I did it once and I was at my friends house afterschool. The only reason I touch it was because for 5 years my mom kept saying that I was on drug and she didnt believe me. So I did so now I didnt have to lie to her. I didnt do any drugs again until I was 23 years old. Yes I will tell you one thing I wanted a tattoo really bad. I thought they were pretty. I wanted one at 13 years old. You know what I never got one until I was 23. Ten years later!!!! My mom tells a story about me going to Port Bryan and how I ended up there some weekend without my mother's permission. And I called my Anut for a ride home. I was hour or two away from my home. THat wasnt my fault. That was one the stupidest things I did. I was with my friend that I met through a church friend. Her mom took us up to Port Bryan so that she can visit a friend. She brought us over to my friend's cousins house....we were there for 2 days and her mom never came back for us. She forgotten she dropped us off and she was home. She would not come back for us (I found out later her mom was in to the drink to much) So I ended up calling my Anut because if I called my mom she wouldnt let me see my friend anymore and it wasnt her fault. She didnt find out about that trip until after I graduated. She thought I was a wild child. Everyone told her I was. My mom brought me to church one day and she was crying. I asked the pastor what was wrong with my mom and she said it was me...."I was from the devil and I made my mom cry and I am abastard child that should not give my mom a hard time."....That was what was really said to me. I was 14 at the time.
I really wasnt a bad kid. I was in Marching Band, Field Band, Winter Gaurd, Debate team, Drama,Yearbook Club and Cheerleading. I was kinda of a nerd. I wasnt super smart. I was 200 in a class of 250. I was average. I was really good at math; I never had to take a final. But I was horrible in history. For the most part I was a good kid.
My biggest dream was to move away from my family. I tried after graduation. I left for Michigan...Cornerstone University....its a christian college because I wanted to go to a private christian school. I only lasted a month. I got confused. I had a boyfriend in New York and I came back which was a silly mistake.
Then next time I left i was 23 and I went to Tennessee. It was hard but I was going to make it work. I did. I have been to alot to places since then. Then my world fell apart. I came back to New York.
Now I am 28 and I have only been in New York since December. I missed alot of things about the state. I still miss Tennessee too. My sister moved away from New York in November so when I came back I didnt have to deal with everyone just my parents and Grandma. I am at my breaking point with them. So I took a job to help me and my friend out. I am a live in nanny.
This week is different. I had to get my things from my ex's house and my mom is house hunting in South Carolina. How fun right?
Its not for me. I am feeling very upset.
I sweat alot and I dont know why....its probably because I am over weight but when I sit down and stand up you can see the sweat. I am forbidden to sit on the couch because she things I am peeing. My mom keeps saying that I am peeing. I am so upset because not only are they screaming at me but my brother in law is there while they do it. I keep trying to tell them its not pee. I am so hurt and upset. They wont listen. That just one thing thats happen. I call my friends after 9 so it doesnt use any minutes but everyone goes to bed at 9 and if you talk outside of the apartment you can hear what people are saying. So I took a walk around the neighborhood and I got yelled for taking a walk. Now I have a curfee I have to be in the apartment at 10pm. And yesterday was Friday night. I wanted to go to the local bar just to do something to get out of everyones way. I was yelled at again because its a mile away and young ladies shouldnt be out that late at night.
I am just so upset. I cant wait until I am at least 1000 miles away from them.