Wednesday, August 01, 2012
Let me clear the air... I am not saying my family are bad people. I am not saying they are not supportive. I am not saying that they do not love. I am not saying anything at all about them individually.
What I am saying is that I am hurt. This man I called my friend and family hurt me more that anyone could possibly know. He took my trust and he crapped all over. He took my heart and stomped into the ground like it was garbage. He did this over something he could not control and that is his temper.
The only thing that makes me upset with my family is the first contact with them they did make a judgement. In my opinion it was because I did not rush right over an explain myself. I shouldn't have to explain myself. I am hurt. This man hurt me. He hurt me in front of my son.
No matter what happen, what cause this situation in first place the comment should have been ARE YOU OK? Not what I heard was.... This is what I think you should do....
I am a victim. I am abused. Maybe I put myself in situations I should not have been in.
I am still a victim from my past. I have been working through it. They may not like it that I am hurt, abused, been pushed around, manipulated, trashed and scarred.
However, I have been. It is really hard as a victim to think differently than a victim.
I am who I am for many different reasons.
Do not judgement!
The shoes I walk in are not yours they are mind.
Turn your back if you must. I will understand. Its human nature to turn and run.
You may not like the fact I have been abused. So may even blame me for being stupid, dump, or even asking for it.
I understand people like blaming the victim for the mess they are in. I know that I use too. Until I realized I am a victim. No one can put a victim down more than themselves.
Accept me for who I am or turn and run!
For me, I am taking one step in the direction I need to be.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Well, I have to say I am so sick of abusive men! I have put up with crap from boyfriends from my past. Now that I have had my baby boy I choose to be smarter then I ever was for myself. I get a rid of men that show any signs of abuse. I am trying to raise a man. I cannot do that having his momma scared to death when it may happen.
That being said, my close man friend, moved in with me 7 months ago. I was interested in him as a potential mate. However, after this weekend that will never happen!
I was in a terrible mood for the past few days because of all the changes that are going around in my life. I told him this yesterday that I just wanted to be left alone. He couldn't just stop. Nope not at all.
Silly disagreement over a flash light turned into him slapping me open handed across my face. Then calling me names. It ended with me twisting his wrist. He told me he was going to call the cops on me for hurting him. I still cannot believe he said that to me. His other remark was even worst yet. He said I deserved to be beat, slapped and abused! He understands why every man put their hands on me. He is luck he didn't kill me. This was all said and done in front of my kid.
For the record: I KICKED HIM OUT! Especially since my son was in the living room crying and saying "NO NO NO"! I really hope he won't remember.
I have never had a healthy relationship. It was my thought process telling me its okay because I don't deserve better! I know, stupid! I had many people tell me I am no one because I am heavy. No man would actually find me attractive. I put up with it. I was afraid of being alone.
I am not that young anymore! I am self sufficient. I am okay to be alone. I do not need a man, roommate or parents to treat me like I am a nobody. I know better. I am someone. I do believe one day my future husband will find me unbelievable attractive. He will love me as much I intend on loving him.
However, that being said, why does His words really haunt me? I think maybe I have done something that makes the abusive situation actually happen? I thought that part of my life is over with. I am educated, intelligent, go getter! Why does this both me so?
Friday, July 20, 2012
Two Lives... Two Outcomes... Two Paths... Two Many Choices!!!
There has been a man in my life since I was 14 years old. I truly love him. He is my best friend. I have watched him through marriage, children and now a divorce.
Then there is another man that has been in my life since I was almost 26 years old. I have cared for him many years. I have watched him get his heart crushed by his first girlfriend, a marriage, being homeless and living the high life.
Both men want me now... They have so much in common. Including birthdays and background... I am just so confused.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
I hate when people just assume.
If you are wondering was I am ranting about... my roommate just got off the phone with me after making one of those silly comments.
He said. " I had to start cleaning the house before two because of the phone call I was waiting for. No offence, Amy, I clean quicker than you do. I am almost done."
My response should have been, " You know that I was a professional cleaner. I use to work with my mother. My most recent job was for a woman that still owns her cleaning business. I was promoted during the time I worked for her. Still to this day she ask me to come back she needs good employees."
"Plus, I clean so slow around the house because I am not on the clock. I am doing other things besides cleaning such as cooking, taking care of my son, and getting things ready for the next few days. How dare you tell me that I clean slow. "
"To add insult to injury, just because you can pick things up does not mean you can clean. It should be easy because I cleaned it last night. I wanted to make sure that the house was clean for my sister. Do not think it cool for you to offer to help me and then don't follow through."
You have not clean the house in days.
Why I ask?
Your reasoning... I am tired!
I have a full time job. I am the single mother of a 20 month old. I pay the bills. I wash, dry and put away the dishes every night. I cooked dinner as well. I do the grocery shopping. I take you to and from school.
To bite me in the ass some more... you got home from school yesterday went to your room and slept until midnight.
I guess if I had that much time on my hands I could clean faster too!
What I did say is... "Ok... anyways... Did you get your phone call?"
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