Monday, February 24, 2014
I don't know what happened exactly, but my body has gone on strike . . . well mostly just the left side, but that's a fairly important side of me. It's one of only two sides that I have and I really do need both sides to work together if I am to actually get out of bed in the morning.
So a little whine fest - My left eye began giving me trouble last summer. After a ton of eye drops, ointments, and bills from the eye doc, my eye still hasn't fully healed. It gives me hell in the morning.
Left shoulder periodically goes all wonky. It chose this week to do it's trick.
Pulled something in the back of my left leg on day 2 of being back here at Spark. I thought that it would be healed in a day or two. Nope. In the morning I have to stretch it out some before I can even get out of bed. It hurts so bad when I do get up.
All three of these things hurt worst in the morning, making the first 2 hours of my day fairly miserable. I already have an issue with mornings. I don't entirely approve of them as they are, and this pain being added isn't helping their case.
So this morning I found myself in that grey area between sleeping and waking. I was in that not-really-conscious-yet place, so apparently my brain wasn't engaged at all and I did something funny. As I began to move more into consciousness, I noticed that I was pretending to be fully asleep so that my eye and leg wouldn't know it was time to start hurting worse.
It was the pain in my leg that was waking me up, and there I am trying to ignore it as if maybe it would give up and go away. My sleep-foggy-brain actually had this plan - to ignore the pain and pretend to be asleep in the hopes that my leg would give up all this hurting business and just leave me alone.
I can tell you that it did not work.
...but that's only because becoming-conscious-brain started giggling and blew sleep-foggy-brain's cover.
Monday, February 17, 2014
I've been away from Spark for quite a while now. I apologize to those who messaged me, left goodies, and visited my page during this time. I couldn't bring myself to answer. I needed time away from . . . well, everything.
I needed to get my ex completely and totally out of my life. I knew that she read everything I wrote on line and since there was a legal issue and safety concerns for myself and my son, I didn't feel comfortable giving her so many blogs to read.
I'm sure that I've waited long enough that by now she has lost interest in reading every little thing I type. If I am wrong and she wants to read about me still, that's sad for her. She should move on by now.
Second, it became apparent to me that complete independence was the experience I currently needed. For about two years I've had no family (other than my son), no friends, no church, no colleagues, no coworkers, no support (online or off), no help groups, no nothing. I even re-homed my dog. I've been alone and everything I have done has been on my own. I needed that experience and now I feel like I've completed it.
Never again will I keep any toxic thing or person in my life just because I think I can't do it alone. I can do whatever the hell I want, all by myself. While I do Want people in my life now, I don't Need them. No one is going to get in my way again.
Third, it was necessary to work a billion hours a week in order to pay the bills. I had time for little else.
I was concerned with safety, emotional growth, parenting, and paying the bills. There just wasn't room for anything more in my life.
So, yes, I put back on the weight, but I'm not so concerned about it. It's already begun to come back off as I continue my process of healing and growth.
Which brings me to a Spark relevant point:
During this time of growth I realized that food was a major focus of my life and that's a problem. I knew I was focused on food when I was overeating, eating things that disagreed with me, and abusing my body in general.
However, I noticed that when I try to get healthier, I just end up focused on food STILL. In fact, trying to eat healthier was guaranteeing that I would remain focused on food forever.
I don't want to focus on food anymore. It's like having a hobby that I don't want and don't enjoy anymore - one that ultimately hurts me. In short, trying to get physically healthy while I ignored my emotional health wasn't going to be enough for me.
It's the focus on food that is a problem for me. Changing the focus from junk food to health food is okay, but it isn't enough. While it "works" because I do lose weight and get healthier physically, it doesn't help me to heal emotionally. To fully heal emotionally, I need to have food not play that much of a role in my world anymore.
I know what I should eat, what I should eat in moderation, and what I should avoid. I don't need to focus on this. I'm sick to death of focusing on food and I don't have the energy or desire to do it anymore.
I wanted to make sure that when / if I came back to Spark, that it didn't result in me focusing on food again.
So I'm not entirely sure what I will do at Spark - maybe track fitness goals, maybe just interact with my Spark friends.
I've missed all my wonderful Spark friends and I've missed having a place to blog and read blogs. I've missed reading about the success and challenges of others. I've missed seeing what is changing at Spark and being a part of it all. I think I'm finally actually ready to be here, maybe for the first time ever.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
I'm going to write about a case study here because it seems relevant to some Sparkers. I'm not taking any sides or making any suggestions - just writing the facts and drawing a conclusion.
Subject gets up in the morning after over a week of poor sleep (less than 5 hours per night).
Subject thinks about self harm (cutting, self-striking, and the wearing of a cilice - a metal band, designed to inflict pain on it's wearer). The patient avoids all these behaviors in an attempt to find a healthier way to deal with emotional pain.
The subject skips breakfast, not having much of an appetite, although the subject does have a history of over eating - never under eating.
Around 1 pm the subject eats an extra large Hersey bar and washes it down with 4 shots of vodka. This happened after months of a healthful, organic diet.
It was my conclusion that food may, for some people, become an instrument of torment - in some ways more brutal than a knife or a cilice. I do not condone self harm of any type, but when I saw this I did think to myself that abusing oneself with food actually seemed more devious and brutal than something that is more socially unacceptable.
Of course, the ideal is to not do harm through any method, but I found it fascinating that I think that punishing ones self with food is more dangerous, yet more acceptable.
Thursday, November 01, 2012
I gave blood today. That's a big deal for me. I've never been able to do it before.
In the past I've been turned down for:
poor general health
There was only one time in the past that they even tried to stick my arm - and when they did they found it impossible to get an entire pint out of me. They gave up before the bag was even half full.
So, today is the first time I have ever been healthy enough to give blood and I donated the full amount with no trouble at all.
In 1996 I almost bled to death. I had a hemorrhage situation and received 4 units of blood. I am thankful to all the people who made that infusion possible. I've wanted to give blood since that time, and finally I can.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
One of my SparkFriends, Lean-n-Lexy, made two awesome points in her comments to me. I love comments that lead me to examine things.
First, she is right about not showing my teams on my page. We do have the option of not having our teams show on our pages and I had forgotten that. In my case, I did need to leave my teams. However, if I join some in the future I can simply elect to not have them display on my page. That will help me to ensure that I'm not joining them just because they would look cool on my page.
Second, what she said about "I am" being an expression of the Divine.
Here is what I posted on her page about it:
"If I think of "I am ____" as an expression of my divinity, I really must be careful what word I put in the blank. If I put student, employee, human, etc - well those things don't honor divinity, they seem to insult it. Those roles are too superficial and temporary to hold within them a sense of the Divine. To honor the Divine, I need an amazing word for that blank. "Life" works for me."
Since I posted that on her page, I've thought about it some more. "I am _____" doesn't actually even need a word to complete it. "I am" is already a complete sentence - one that does away with the need for any sort of egoic label - one that honors the Divine, whether internal or external. It affirms without presumptuousness. It expresses gratitude for divinity and all of life itself.
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