Saturday, December 12, 2009
I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Aren't kids great? They say what's on their minds and what makes perfect sense to them. And we adults get to enjoy it. Here are the answers some elementary school children gave to these questions about their mothers.
How did God make mothers?
Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
He made my Mom just the same as he made me. He just used some bigger parts.
He used dirt, just like He used for the rest of us.
Why did God make mothers?
Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
To help us come out when we were getting born.
Mainly to clean the house.
She's the only one who knows where to find the scotch tape.
Why did God give you your mother and not somebody else's mom?
God knew she likes me a lot more than other kid's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mother?
I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be she was pretty bossy.
They say she used to be nice.
My mother has always been my mother and none of that other stuff.
What ingredients does God use to make mothers?
They get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
God makes mothers out of angel hair and clouds everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
How did your mother meet your dad?
Mommy was working in a store and daddy was shoplifting.
What did your mother need to know about your father before she married him?
His last name.
She had to know his background. Like does he get drunk on beer? Is he a crook? Does he make at least $900 a year? Did he say "No" to drugs and "Yes" to chores?
Why did your mother marry your father?
She got too old to do anything else with him.
My grandma says that mommy didn't have her thinking cap on.
My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mommy eats a lot.
Who's the boss around your house?
My mom doesn't want to be the boss, but she has to because my dad's such a goofball.
Mom. You can tell by how she does room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
I guess my mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than my dad.
What makes a real woman?
A real woman is that you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
What does your mother do in her spare time?
To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
Mothers don't do spare time.
What's the difference between dads and moms?
Dads are stronger and taller, but moms have the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just have to work at work.
What's the difference between mothers and grandmas?
You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
About 30 years.
Describe the world's greatest mother?
She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
The greatest mother in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is there anything about your mother that's perfect?
Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
Just her children.
What would it take to make your mother perfect?
You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
If you could change one thing about your mother, what would it be?
I'd make my mother smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
On the Earth Travellers Challenge, I've been travelling from St Johns across Canada. I'm still in Newfoundland.
Leaving Grand Falls-Windsor, I travelled 39KM to Badger on my 270 KM to Cornerbrook. Farther east I went to the community of South Brook, which is located near the most northerly point of the Trans Canada Hwy.
The town is named for the salmon-rich South Brook that passes through town and flows into Hall's Bay at the town's west end. Halls Bay, which is one of the top sealing areas in the world. Seal pups are born on the springtime ice sheets on the Bay, and in summertime, ice floes drift into the fjord.
Leaving Halls Bay, we continued onto Springdale. We travelled past various communities and so many lakes, including Gillards, Sheffield, Sandy and Birchy and then took a northerly route so that we could travel above the large Grand Lake
This leg, I've travelled 193KM and am resting in the community of Howley. I'm a mere 19KM shy of Deer Lake. I want to complete the remaining 77 KM to Cornerbrook this week. Hopefully the weather holds as its a blustery walk out there right now!
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