Saturday, March 22, 2014
I started my day with a great workout! I felt really challenged and really strong. After a few weeks of being sick and then dealing with a knee injury, my workouts had become less productive. I'm now in physical therapy and able to have safe and challenging workouts again. I am feeling stronger and stronger.
I have also made a commitment to taking daily vitamins (particularly Vitamin D), fish oil. I have also been very diligent in taking my thyroid medication. One of the ways that I sabotage myself is by not taking these regularly or not making sure my body has the vitamins it needs. That leaves me feeling tired and depressed. Its been a week that I have been very committed to this part of my health and I can feel a significant difference in my energy and moods.
I'm also wondering about my goal weight. I have been reading a lot about the limits of BMI as an indicator or health. Has anybody heard about the ABMI? I'm not sure I even got the acronym right, but this is a new way to measure health that includes muscle mass, fat percentage, bone density, height. . . I'm wondering because what if my happy weight is different than my goal weight? I don't know that I want to work out for 60 - 90 minutes a day for six days a week forever. (Just being honest here)!
Today my DH leaves for two weeks to be with his Mom as she undergoes knee replacement. She lives in India, so it is a long journey and we are both feeling anxious about her health and the operation. Any good thoughts you can send on her behalf will be really appreciated.
Thanks, Sparkfriends, for reading and continuing to support me through pursing your own journeys toward heath and happiness.
Friday, March 21, 2014
In my last blog, I talked about needing to seek peace in my life. A wonderful Sparkfriend responded to my blog, and suggested that it is not that I need to seek peace, but that I need to become aware of the barriers I put in the way of experiencing peace.
This is such an insight for me. Right now I am struggling with self-sabotaging behaviors. I know why, but I continue to do them. Perhaps making by asking myself: "Will this prevent or allow more peace in my life?" This is a really different question than, "what do I want" or "what should I do".
I am going to practice this, and let you know how it goes.
Will this prevent or allow me to experience more peace in my life?
Thank you, Karen, for this opportunity to change my perception of my choices.
15 minutes of mediation daily
one hour of exercise daily
track all food
log onto Spark people and connect with Sparkfriends
30 minutes of exercise (rest day)
tracked all food
logged on to Sparkpeople
90 minutes exercise
tracking all food
logging on to Sparkpeople
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
What am I doing?
Does anybody else feel like this sometimes? I am exercising, but overeating. I am paying attention to my choices, but making poor ones. I am prioritizing rest, but then once a week staying up really late.
Reading your blogs and reconnecting with Sparkfriends, have helped me become more aware of how quickly and unsteadily I am moving. One of the ways to peace is equilibrium. I know this. I think I am going to practice this in the mornings. In addition to my exercise and tracking, I need to nourish my spiritual self. I want this to be a life-long journey to peace.
What a relief! Peace, not perfection. Peace, not perfect body. Peace. What a remarkably blessed place to live.
My goals for the rest of this week:
1. 15 minutes of meditation every morning
2. one hour of exercise daily
3. track all food
4. log on to and connect with friends on Sparkpeople
I want to express my gratitude for all of you who are working hard to love yourselves and are sharing that journey through your blogs. Particularly when you share your struggles, I feel connected to you. You are inspirations to me. You feel like company on this journey.
A simple grapefruit can bring me peace if I allow it.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Over the past couple of days I've been visiting a lot of Spark pages, and have been so inspired by how hard people are working and how much progress is being made in our shared journey for health. This really is an amazing community of people.
As I've scrolled through the pages, I've begun to reflect on my own journey and ask myself why I have made the progress I've made (what's working for me) and why I have not made additional progress (what is not working for me).
Here's what I think is WORKING:
+ joining Sparkpeople
+ tracking my food and exercise
+ being active on Sparkteams
+ connecting with friends outside of Spark who care about their health
+ exercising regularly
+ prioritizing exercise
+ giving myself loving messages
+ blogging on Sparkpeople
And, here is what I think is NOT WORKING
+ LYING TO MYSELF:
I haves struggled with weight and body image my whole life. In this latest chapter, I keep telling myself that I am "a little overweight" and its "just a little while". "I just need to get back on track." "I'm really not that overweight." "I can probably wear those (fill in 2 sizes to small) pants."
Actually, I have been 25-35 lbs overweight for five years. I have been 25 lbs overweight for three years. I have been eating more calories than I need and I have not been exercising consistently for five years.
This is not a temporary phase. This is a lifestyle that I have chosen and grown accustomed to. I need to be honest with myself about this. I need to acknowledge that I made choices and continue to make choices that effect my body's health. So when I look in the mirror, I'm not surprised anymore. I need to recognize myself in the body I am now.
+ WISHFUL THINKING:
This is NOT WORKING for me: If only I weighed less . . . I would be happier. I would be more attractive. My students would love me. I would be able to do things that I can't do now . . . etc etc etc The fantasies just keep coming. I don't even know what these amazing things that I think I could do are! But, there is a part of me that thinks my whole life would be better if I were thin.
Honestly, I don't think my life would not be radically different if I lost 25 lbs. I would not wake up filled with joy and freedom because I was at a healthy weight. I would not have long, luxurious hair that was already styled when I awoke. I would not feel free of worry . . . My internal happiness is up to me, not my circumstances. I can choose to practice gratitude and self-love now! I don't have to wait until I weigh some number. I have everything I need to be happy right now: love, friendship, oxygen, water, food, a home. I am blessed beyond measure.
Again, I need to get honest with myself about what is real in my life. I am overweight AND I am loved. and protected. and blessed.
This leads me to another thing that is not working:
+ STOP DOING WHAT IS WORKING:
Since I joined Spark People last January, I have lost 15 lbs and gained 10 back. I need to lose a total of 25 lbs. As I neared my goal (over half way there!), I quit on myself. I was tracking and exercising, and then I stopped.
Why am I afraid to take those sentences above: "I have everything I need to be happy right now: love, friendship, oxygen, water, food, a home. I am blessed beyond measure" and live in them? Why can't I add "I have my health" to that list?
What would it mean for me to be healthy again? What would it mean for me to feel more freedom in my food choices? What would it mean to feel comfortable in my body? What would it mean for me not to have something to beat myself up about?
+ WHAT IS REALLY REALLY NOT WORKING FOR ME:
I am punishing myself for all the good things in my life. I am punishing myself for finding a partner that I love, building a family that I love, and getting my dream job (this is all really amazing stuff, right!!???) I have so many reasons to be happy right now. But, I am so afraid that if anyone notices, it will all be taken away.
Does anyone else feel that way?
Some part of myself thinks I'm protecting me. Some part of me really believes that I don't deserve all this. I'm not really good enough for that job. That man is not really going to love me for the rest of my life. I'm not really beautiful.
I need to meet this part of myself and really get to know her. I need to understand how to heal these feelings. This is SO MUCH more than 25 lbs. This is me. This is the scared, injured me. I need to help her out. I need to love her through this. I need her with me on this journey.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
I was chatting with a colleague on Friday and she mentioned that she just turned 44. I congratulated her, and mentioned that my 40th birthday was coming up. Her jaw dropped, she looked shocked and was silent. I laughed and said "Older or younger?" And, she said "Older. Definitely older."
I always wonder how old I look. I teach college kids; being surrounded by 18 year olds all day, I often feel like I look 18!! So, I didn't think this woman's comments bothered me, except 24 hours later I am still thinking about them. What a bunch of crap! I feel so good about who I am and what I have achieved in my 39 almost 40 years, and yet I am still vulnerable enough about my appearance to let that outweigh my other feelings.
So, here's what I want to celebrate as I approach my 40th birthday:
Here's to looking and feeling great PERIOD.
Here's to all the steps I have walked, the miles I have run, the weights I have lifted, the risks I have taken, the people I have forgiven, the pain I have endured, the injuries from which I have healed, the friends and family I support, encourage, and love day in and day out.
Here's to caring for ourselves, loving ourselves, and making the best choices we can. Here's to kindness. Here's to recognizing beauty in all its myriad forms and shapes. Here's to seeing ourselves as we really are: loving, striving, vulnerable people who need one another.
And, for me, here's to 40!!!
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