Sunday, November 01, 2009
So I have read a few blogs today and a lot of people comment on how they do not like what they see. My problem is this, which some may also have this same problem, I do not know what I see. I really have this very distorted way of seeing myself in the mirror. It is really a true problem with me.
Many years ago, like 5 I lost weight, I went to a size 4, from a 18. I looked at myself in the mirror then and I was not seeing what I really looked like. I still saw myself different than what I looked. I cannot get a handle on this issue. I scares me because here I am back to the size 18, I was over 20 have been losing the last 4 months. Anyway, Am wondering how do I see myself and be happy with what I see. I do not know what causes this for me?? It can be very debilitating for sure. I never really saw how huge I was getting either, I just did not see it. I mean I noticed the scale pounds going up but my mind did not want to accept that again I was huge. I have no idea what this stems from. I know I have a lot of issues.
I have been abused all my life. I had polio as a child. I was in an orphanage, then foster homes. I was sexually abused and physically abused. I was a child of an alcoholic. My father died at 33 when I was 6. I was wearing a brace then due to the polio I got at age 2 . I never knew my Dad. Never had a real father figure, that was healthy in my life. Which has been an issue for me with My Lord and a Savior.
I married into the same situation because I was an unwed Mom all alone. I have been through the ringer my friends. I just pray I can get myself healthy in all three areas of my life, I know you have to be right mentally, physically and spiritually to get it right. Here I am turning 59 and I still am dealing with all these issues.
Mind you in all my years I have seen many a psychologist. I have told many people all my issues. Yet will I ever feel happy and satisfied with who I am?? It is a huge question for me. I am not sure if it is possible. I am so afraid I will accomplish this goal of losing the weight and still not be satisfied. Will I ever love who I am? I know in my mind I need to love who I am at this time. What I look like does not determine who I am. So why do I have such conditional love for myself? How do I get right here? How do I get where I want to be and stay there again? Part of me is afraid I will not have any accuse any more. When you live a life full of so many things, you get afraid when things are right. Not sure if this is going to make any sense to anyone else but me. But I am finally getting honest here and letting it all hang out. As they say. I want to know what happiness is. I want to feel love for ME, for myself. I want to know that I am ok. I want to live this life the way the Lord wants me to. So what is holding me back? I think that I do not think I deserve to be happy in this world. I think I am afraid to be happy for some dumb reason. I know I am a very confused lady. But if you had had as much hate and disappointment in your life what would you be like?? It is not easy let me tell you. But one thing I know I am a survivor and I am determined to never give up in this life I am living. I want to get this right. I want to love who I am. Wish I did not feel it would be easier if I was 80 pounds lighter. I really think something will happened when I get there. I am afraid for the other shoe to fall. Then what?/ I am praying just by blogging this an being honest and voicing this it will help me to deal and to get better.
I can never say how much this site has meant to me at this point in my life. I live alone, I am disabled, I live on a very low fixed income and It is just me. But for some reason at this point the Lord has seen fit to give me this site, the new friends, and old friends from whom I knew as a child and are now in my life encouraging me to get healthy and be happy. Not sure why they care about me but I do know I want to try because they want me to. So this is the mission I am no now for the next year. Only time will tell what will happen and if I learn to love myself and know what happiness really is.