Monday, October 19, 2009
So, if you saw me on the friend feed lately, you know that I haven't been feeling great physically or emotionally. I have a lot on my plate (just like everyone else, I'm sure) right now. I have been sick the last couple of weeks and my husband and I have been having some issues. Anyway, I am feeling pretty low, but I have been making an effort to at least ACT positive, even if I have to fake it.
Well, today (when I was feeling like a particularly fat, ugly, and terrible person) one of my co-workers came up and whispered "I have to tell you, you look very pretty. You look like you are happy." !!!!!!!!!! I was amazed. Here I felt like a total loser and have not been particularly happy at all, but I guess my efforts to put on a happy face are working. At least one person out there thinks I am the happy person I soooo want to be!
I'm going to keep plugging away at my troubles. I hope you all do too.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Last night I met with my writer's group. We meet approx. every two weeks and I really enjoy it... for the most part. One of the members of my group is very tall and very skinny. She is also very nice, most of the time. But she can also be very blunt and sometimes harsh.
We were meeting at a family diner type place and I had planned my day so that I would have extra calories left for dinner, knowing that I would probably eat a little more than usual. I was really looking forward to the evening, seeing my friends, and enjoying myself guiltlessly.
As soon as we got settled at our table, this person started talking about how hungry she was. I said that I was too and that I was looking forward to splurging a little. She then started talking about how she eats so much, but it is okay because she is so skinny. She went on to state her entire workout routine.
It made me a little self conscious because I know that I am bigger than her, but I tried to brush it off. Then the food came and, while she ate everything on her plate, she kept asking me if I was done so that she could take my leftovers to her dog. So, I had to keep telling her that, no, I wasn't finished yet. It really ruined the meal and my mood.
By the time I left, I felt HUGE and pretty bad about myself. I almost felt like she might be doing it on purpose. There have been other times that she has stung me with little zingers and I couldn't tell if she was doing it intentionally or not. If she is doing it on purpose I would like to know why. I feel like we are friends and friends shouldn't try to hurt each other's feelings.
Then again, maybe I am being too sensitive about the whole thing. Advice, anyone?
Sunday, October 11, 2009
So, I am slightly discouraged today. If you have seen my comments on the friend feed, you know that I was super excited earlier in the week because I not only met my fitness goals for the week (five consecutive days of cardio and strength training), but I was also losing some weight. Well, today I got on the scale and my 174 had turned into 178! That is a four pound increase in about three days! I am so bummed.
The only thing I can figure is that, though I have been staying in my calorie range this weekend, I have not been exercising (because I already put in five days this week). Now, my brain tells me that maybe I have put on some muscle weight and that our bodies fluctuate naturally. I should be proud of myself for reaching my goals. Unfortunately, even though I know that, I still feel guilty. I feel like I slacked the past two days and that I should have done more, and I am all around bummed out.
It just doesn't seem fair that I can work so hard and see an increase in weight. Oh well, I guess the only thing to do is keep going. : (
Sunday, October 04, 2009
I haven't been tracking my food for a couple of days. To be honest, sometimes I just get sick to death of entering every single thing that I plan to put in my mouth. I begin to feel obsessed really. Like it is the main focus of my life. Well, maybe it should be.
I just got done entering the breakfast I ate this morning, two small breakfast burritos with eggs, canadian bacon, and cheese. I convinced myself that they weren't that bad for me and one probably wouldn't have been, but because I didn't enter it before hand I was able to convince myself when I finished the first one, that it would be okay to have another.
I ate 837 calories for breakfast this morning. 837 calories. That is approximately two-thirds of my daily calorie intake, or two meals and at least one snack. And, I'm going to be honest here, I was being nice to myself when I was entering my portion sizes, it very well could have been more calories than that.
They tell us and tell us how important it is to track, track, track. I am an example of how right they are. It is too easy to trick yourself, especially if you are trying to lose weight, into thinking you are eating less that you are.
So I guess the moral of my story is this: I need to be obsessed with my weight loss right now. I need to track every single thing I plan to put in my mouth. I need it to be the main focus of my life. Because if I don't do this, if I don't lose the weight and take an active interest in myself I will never be able to live a long and fulfilling life. That isn't vanity. Its not about looking good in a bathing suit (although that would feel fulfilling!). Its about what every human is working towards- happiness. Plain and simple. That is what I want. That is what we all want.
So, if I have to be obsessed for awhile, fine. I will be, because the alternative is no alternative at all.
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