Thursday, September 29, 2011
So, I just finished reading this memoir - "Half-A**ed: A Weight Loss Memoir" by Jennette Fulda.
It was definitely funny (I found myself chuckling @ the authors descriptions of her journey) but it was poignant as well. It hit me in my soft spot (right next to the 6lbs I've gained in the last 3 months) and has rejuvinated my mind to want to focus my life on the positive things that are in it. I can control my weight, my lifestyle. I have done it before and I will do it again.
Check the book out if you have a chance. It will entertain you and keep (or retrain) your eyes on the prize.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
DIY Challenge Entry Form
My Challenge Name:
7-3-0 (DIY) Uncharted Territory Challenge
My Starting Weight: 185lbs
Four Other things I will be measuring during this challenge & their current stats: (body measurements, race times, crunch max, jeans size, whatever YOU need to track)
1. Waist: 43 inches
2. Jeans size: 31 inches
3. Bring current 12 minute mile down to 10 minute mile (which means bringing the running up and the walking down).
4. B.M.I.: 28.9
If I am going to be 100% honest with myself, the reason I am doing this challenge is because:
- I am tired of being tired of being fat. I need something to light a fire under my azz. I want to work towards something that is going to make me feel beautiful inside & out in a time when my life is in chaos.
I feel like the reason that I have not been progressing as well as I hoped I would be is because:
- I sabotage myself when I start feeling/seeing progress. It’s as if my brain refuses to let go of the insulation my true self has wrapped herself in. (Oh, and my couch/bed are super comfy…)
This time, I commit to finishing my challenge because I know that:
- There is nothing to fear but fear itself. I know I can do it. I need to show myself that I have control over the tiniest aspect of my life – me. Start small, right?
I'm scared of:
- success. Where do you go once you have everything you want?
I want to:
- realize that success is only the beginning of the beautiful life I (apparently) have been hiding from all these years.
But I have faith in:
- the lessons I have learned over the 31 years of life. They will carry me through this and continue to educate me to become the woman I want to be.
And THIS TIME, I will NOT quit, because THIS TIME:
- I have no excuses left. This time it’s about me and how I want to look and feel. It’s about making me happy, holding onto one thread of hope – me.
My top five non-health related motivations right now are:
1. Sofia Vergara (she is just gorgeous & I want to @ least be shaped like her).
2. 31 is right around the corner & I want to wear a mini & strappy heels – and look like I’m 26!
3. Enjoying the sunshine in as little bit of clothes as possible (bonus: working on my tan!)
4. I want to have wild, insane, passionate sex & not worry about the wrong parts jiggling
5. Proving my inner fat girl (or B.S. as I call her) wrong
The best way to motivate me is to:
- Tell me I can’t…
The best way I can motivate myself is to:
- Not stop, not be defeated, keep moving towards the finish line and know that it can be done. Also visuals help as well as good music….
My name is ~ Margarita ~ and I will ~ Have new adventures on my path to a bangin’ body! ~.
(P.S. Pic will be taken tonight (as soon as battery for camera charges) and saved for comparison).
Thank you Yoovie for inspiring me to join a challenge!!!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I’m ridiculously focused.
Because I saw pics of me at my God-son’s Baptism on Sunday and I was disappointed in what I saw.
Now, I’m not downing myself. I worked hard to drop 26lbs last year.
But then I got lazy or stopped caring.
And 6lbs crept back on (that being the last time I got on a scale – sometime in April).
And I started trying to push myself again.
Made (& blogged) an action plan.
Then I moved, then I had to unpack, then I was tired, then it was a day that ended in ‘y’ and I was more tired and I just wanted to eat everything in sight – ice cream, cookies, cake, burgers, chips – you know the usual suspects, then I felt fat again and I was tired of feeling fat and tired of being tired but I still didn’t do anything about it. Every week I promised myself that this would be the last week, that next week I would get back on track. No idea why it has to be on a Monday when I get back on track but that’s another topic.
And it wasn’t until I saw those pics that I realized that I had been sabotaging myself big time. That burger is not worth it. The fries, the chips, the ice cream? Nope.
I'm re-instating the plan from last month to extend all the way through summer 2011. I would like to tone up and lose some pounds by July and definitely by September 2011.
I hit the track for some much needed walking. I set a 4 mile goal – which is 12 times around the track. Scenery gets pretty boring, even though I am walking under the RFK bridge around sunset. Pushed through it cause I know I can do it.
That was Monday. I felt pretty awesome as I showered, knowing that I would be sore the next day.
Tuesday I woke up feeling sore but refreshed. Popped out of bed (and I haven’t “popped” out of bed in months. Got ready, rocking out to music. Felt alive. Smile on my face.
Then it started raining in the afternoon. Still feeling jazzed, wanting to start a streak & a streak is not 1 day. Started brainstorming how to cover my hair so I could get in 5 miles – yes, 5 miles, 15 times around the boring track.
Got home, feeling optimistic as I watched the sun shine through the clouds. Made and ate my dinner while watching “House Hunters International” & writing in my journal about the situations in my life. Heard the rain on the air conditioner. Started feeling grumpy. Heard the inner dialogue start up (faintly).
Surprised even myself when @ 8:05pm I stepped outside to check how hard it was raining. It wasn’t raining anymore, though the ground was wet. Went inside, put on bandana to cover my hair (which was in a bun) and left.
The dialogue got louder:
(this is similar to Yoovie’s dialogue with her lil’ devil… mines looks like a brownie sundae though)
Me 2: You can’t walk in this, if it rains it will ruin your hair, which looks beautiful btw.
Me: Um, yeah, if it rains then I can always wash my hair & do it again another night.
Me 2: But it takes 2 hours to do your hair. 2 hours!
Me: Ignoring you, don’t care. Look I’m already here. (time check) here goes.
So I started walking. Music pumping in my ears, feet hitting the track, arms swinging.
Me 2: Fine. You’re here. But you won’t be here for long.
Me: “La lalalala lalalalalalalalala…tonight we gon’ be it on the floor….”
Me 2: You’re getting tired. You’re getting sleepy.
Me: Still ignoring you.
Then the ipod decides to change to a slower song, as if working in cahoots with Me 2.
Me 2: See, this is not walking music. You know, maybe you should just finish this round & go back home.
Me: Hmmm, maybe I should.
Me 2: (smiling broadly) Yes. Then we can have ice-cream.
Me: No, come on. You can do this. You said 15 times, do 15 times.
Me 2: Not this again. Can’t you feel it in your hips? In your legs? You’re going to be so sore tomorrow.
A couple of drops hit my head as I’m rounding the 5th lap.
Me 2: Oh no, it’s raining! You should go home.
Me: Maybe I’ll just do 6 laps tonight.
Me 2: Good idea. I mean, you’re out here, that’s what counts. Who cares how many miles you do?
Me: (calculating) 6 today, 6 tomorrow, means I have to do 15 for sure on Thursday…
Me 2: Yeah, you should definitely just go home, there are more drops falling.
Me: Ok, maybe I’ll go home at 9 laps.
Me 2: 9?! Let’s just go now – we’re on 7, that’s like 1,000 miles or something!
Me: Hmmmm, no. You don’t call out of work because it’s raining. This is work. You have to finish.
Me 2: You have got to be kidding me!
I kept going, albeit slowing my pace a little because I was feeling it in my legs/hips and I didn’t want to hurt myself.
Me: See, this is easy.
Me 2: (yawning) What? Oh yeah, well I think you’re done aren’t you?
Me: Nope, this is 9 – 3 to go.
Me 2: But I have to pee.
Me: Yeah so do I.
Me 2: Let’s just go pee and then we can come back.
Me: (laughing) Nice try. Nope. 3 more times.
And I did it.
I pushed myself beyond what that brownie sundae thought I could do and walked home slowly feeling glorious & victorious.
I want to try & hit 20 miles this week which means I have to take this seriously. I loved the thought that popped in my head “You don’t call out of work because it’s raining. This is work. You have to finish.” Because it was so simple and true. I must go to work to finance my life and I must walk around the track 12 to 15 times because I must put my health first.
Monday, May 16, 2011
This can be modified as you see fit.
I use 80/20 ground beef, sugar free when possible, lowfat milk...I mean, you get the idea...
It might not be "good for me" but it is something that I squeeze in because I am working hard at working out & I deserve to eat good homeade food...
Besides, I never said I was perfect....just hungry....LOLOLOL
5 lbs of ground beef (family pack)
1 ½ - 2 lbs of ground pork (small pack)
1 cup of milk
1/2 Shredded onion
Country White Bread (approx. 6 slices) - tear it up into little pieces the size of large peas, (try to get at least 15 pieces per slice)
* Use more Basil than anything else.
Try to put in a pile about an inch high of each a little more with the basil
Mix everything together in a large bowl.
Roll the meatballs (you should get between 12 - 14 meatballs - depending on how big you roll them)
Place on a cookie sheet & bake for 20 Minutes
Then put into Sauce.
3 cans Crushed Tomatoes
1 can Tomato Sauce
1 can Tomato Paste
Strawberry Jelly (I use sugar free)
Chocolate chips/syrup (if using syrup I use brand without HFCS)
2 cloves Garlic
Crushed Red Peppers
You need to coat the bottom of the Large Pot with oil, about a ¼ inch.
Take an onion and (using the cheese shredder) shred about a half
Using the fresh garlic, peel and slice very very thinly (or mince) 2 "seeds"
Heat up the pan with oil and add the shredded garlic and onions, some basil and oregano and a very few crushed red peppers
Once these are sautéed, add three cans Crushed Tomato, one can Tomato Sauce , one can of Tomato Paste, about 2 tbsp of Strawberry Jelly and about 15 chocolate chips (or one long squeeze of chocolate syrup)
Stir every 4 - 6 minutes, especially once it starts to boil
Once it is hot to the touch, then add the meatballs and sausage
Keep it on an extremely low flame and continue to stir every 5 -10 minutes.
This will cook the meat inside it, you will need to "cook” them in the sauce for at least 2 hours
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I have been sabotaging myself for so many reasons. Every time I get a little headway I manage to let the sound in my brain throw me off. This is one of the ways I sabotage myself:
My boyfriend is heavy (300+lbs). My ever-anxious brain goes into hyper drive and becomes acutely aware of how much smaller I’m getting (not that I'm disappearing but just that there is less of me) and then it makes me think “do you want to be with someone so out of shape, so unhealthy, when you’re pushing yourself this hard so that you can live a long life?” Then I start to feel bad, thinking that he’s thinking that I’m going to leave him when I’m “skinny”. Then I sit on the sofa with him and eat ice cream/chips/takeout because I don’t want to alienate him. Then I decide that enough is enough and I will not let him ruin my life because he is making the conscious decision to not make any effort to better his life. Then I hide his cigarettes. Then he gets mad. Then I give them to him, to not fight with him. Then I go for a walk, urging him to come with me. Then he claims he has to work from home, and has so much work to do. Then I come back from my walk and he is making a meatloaf and watching TV (and yes, he manages to do this simultaneously, lol). Then he lies on the sofa (my absolute favorite spot to see him in – insert sarcasm here). Just lies there watching TV. Not working, not doing anything. Then I say, “I’m just putting this out there, you said you had to work from home but I see you laying there not doing anything. You could’ve taken a 25 minute walk with me but you always have an excuse.” Then he gives me a puppy dog look and I turn away because I am tired of his excuses for letting himself be so unhealthy. Then he says he had a bad day @ work, then he says he is tired, then he says (another favorite) "tomorrow". Then my inner health nut (who is clawing her way to the surface starts crying as my brain whispers, “do you want to be with someone so out of shape, so unhealthy, when you’re pushing yourself this hard so that you can live a long life?”
I just feel like it’s always an excuse for why he is not doing anything to get healthy. It’s not “be skinny, lose weight, make me happy”, it’s more like, “get healthy, lose weight, take control of your life/healthy, make you happy”. Stop making excuses. I mean, sure I would love to have this physically amazing looking man on my arm, to match the physical outward appearance I am striving towards. But that is superficial and I know that what counts is not the surface. What I really want is a confident man, a man who has faced down his demons (one of them being food) and won. I want a man that is happy, generally speaking, and is in control of himself. Not a man who hides behind work and food and doesn’t let me in when I am sitting right next to him. I ask (practically beg) him what’s wrong and he says nothing. I tell him that he looks like he is about to cry and he shakes his head. I find myself at a loss for thoughts and words. I hear my positive attitude, my strength, my muscles, my curves, my inner sanity screaming that this is a battle that I am going to lose. And it hurts me to admit that (on paper & in my heart). I want to be healthy and I want to live a long time with a man that I love and is, maybe not equally healthy (not that I’m super healthy), but just as committed to his health. I want a man that is able to lift me off the ground – because I’m @ a weight that can be lifted off the ground and because he is in a physical state that allows him to lift my weight off the ground. I don’t want a man who lies in front of the TV like it is somehow going to magically solve all of his problems.
It has been years of this, years of constantly battling because I want (more like need) more from this relationship than I am getting. And he keeps saying that he “needs some time”. I have been giving him some time since2007 and I'm still listening to the same regurgitated excuses. He “quit” smoking (I bought him the electronic cigarette for Valentine’s Day this year) and by April 15th he was right back to the real ones. Because he had a toothache, because he’s stressed at work, because he's wearing clothes, because he has eyes, because it’s Tuesday & 3pm. Because there is always, always, always an excuse for him to not motivate himself to get healthy and happy. And it is hard enough to deal with my mental and emotional issues without having them reflected back at me two times over (when I look in the mirror & when I look @ him - if we both stand in front of a mirror I'm likely to shatter into a million tear soaked bits). I feel like his depression (which is diagnosed but the medication makes him feel foggy so he doesn’t take it – which he uses as the reason he apparently must wallow in self-pity) is dragging me down and making my over-anxious brain spin double & triple time on its axis trying to rebalance itself.
Because I don’t think my BF cares enough about himself to make his life better so I have no faith that he will/can be in this relationship and make it work. Because I’m afraid he’s just going to roll over and change the channel on the TV instead of confronting the issues facing us. How do you hold onto something that you don’t think he has any faith in?
Once upon a time I believed in fairy tales & romance and all that jazz. That once upon a time stuff died years ago for me. Now I believe in the tangible objects that I can hold & grasp. And right now I’m grasping at air. This relationship is fading right before my eyes and I don’t know how to save it and I don’t know that I can save it without compromising my sanity. And I don’t know if I want to save it.
(Just ranting here, I know that I need to get control of my life & take action. I'm just frustrated & needed to vent a lil...Thanks for listening Sparkies!)
As a disclaimer or whatever before anyone thinks I'm bashing him - I know that taking that first step towards healthy is hard, I get it. However he says he will go on the walk with me then throws up the work excuse. He says he wants to do things (non-weight loss related things) with me and then he throws up the work excuse. Then he starts eating then he starts wallowing. And the cycle continues. I'm not saying that he has to lose weight or I'm leaving, I'm saying he has to start showing me that he has the determination to achive something, to take control of the things that he can take control of. I'm saying that I can not possibly see a future full of me working full time, maintaining a household, potentially raising children and then taking care of him because he refused to make some changes. I'm saying that I'm afraid of what my future looks like if I continue on this path. I'm not bashing him, I'm venting & it is not a pretty vent. However I do love him, he is my best friend, and I want what I want for myself for him - health, happiness, success & longevity.
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