"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize: Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space."
"Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off."
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."