Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
¯ Mark Twain
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
¯ George Burns
An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
¯ Brooke Shields
Don’t count your checks before they’re cashed.
¯ Will Rogers