"Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"
"To create more positive results in your life, replace 'if only' with 'next time'."
(Arthur Unknown is a really smat guy!)
"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."
-- Ellen DeGeneres