"When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less."
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Every woman should marry an archaeologist because she grows increasingly attractive to him as she grows increasingly to resemble a ruin.
"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer."
-- Farmers' Almanac
"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'"
-- Jay Leno