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Another chance to get this right.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Happy Sunday evening! It's almost midnight an I'm not quite ready for bed.

I have been thinking about my goals for the week and what I was able to accomplish, and what I should work on improving. I figured I should put my goals in writing so that I can hold myself accountable for them.

First, I changed my ultimate goal weight in this journey. It was set on my tracker for 125. I decided that I am going to strive for 140. I remember feeling attractive, in my clothes, around 155/160, and feeling fairly confident at 145/150 - I looked alright in clothes and could get away with shorts. So, I've set it for 140 - at my current weight it seems a little more attainable than 125.

Once I reach 140, I will reassess and see if I want to strive for another 15 pounds, or if I am comfortable and happy at 140. I'm hoping that also seeing a weight on my tracker that is only 35 pounds away...will help push me towards reaching that goal, versus feeling overwhelmed with losing closer to 50 pounds.

Second, my weekly goals for this last week were as follows:

1) Stick to calorie range 90% of the time;
2) Exercise 5 days a week;
3) Find something to be positive about EVERY DAY!; and
4) Drink at least 2 L of water/day

Here's what I accomplished:

1) I stuck to my calories 43% of the time (3/7 days). Not ideal. Did not meet the goal - but 43% is better than 0% and I like that! So, this week, I'm going to work harder on the 90% rule!

2) I got my work outs in 3/5 days. Once again - not ideal, and did not meet my goal. BUT, 3 days are better than 0 days! And that is something to be happy with! This week I will work harder on the 5 day rule!

3) I met this goal!!! Every day I found at least ONE thing to be positive and happy about! And I am VERY proud of this accomplishment!! YAY JENN!

4) This goal was met 3/7 days. Not the best, but I'm off to a great start! 3 days are better than 0! GO JENN GO!!

So, my meal plans are created for the week, and my foods are ready to go for tomorrow. Work out plans for M-F are in place. Have my plan for my water intake.

I have plenty of room for improvement - and that is a great thing! It's always good to have something to work towards.

This is going to be a GREAT week! Sending positive vibes and happy energy out into the universe!

Feel so blessed to be given another chance to get this right! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TISTEN23 8/1/2012 10:40AM

    Good job!! Way to go!!

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SWEDE_SU 7/30/2012 11:54PM

    with such a great plan and positive attitude, you are going to do it! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KOFFEENUT 7/30/2012 6:17PM

    Recognizing where you DID have success is huge, as all of us hit bumps in the road and weeks that aren't perfect. Way to keep striving toward your goals!

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GRANNYSUE9 7/30/2012 4:01PM

    You have some great goals set for yourself. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WYO_CASEY 7/30/2012 3:49PM

    You can do it, Jen!!! Stay strong!

I used to have my goal at 150. Then changed it to 145 because it was at the top of the healthy BMI for my height. Now it's at 135 and I WILL do it. So can you!!!

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MNABOY 7/30/2012 10:37AM

    You are very organized on your plan and accountability is easy to measure. I will try to immulate your efforts, thanks.

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NCSUE0514 7/30/2012 5:09AM

    Every day is a opportunity to do things right!
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TINAJANE76 7/30/2012 4:54AM

    Great job working on attainable goals--I know you'll get closer to 90% this week! I totally agree with you about your weight loss goal too. I think it's a great idea to set a goal that's a bit higher than what you may ideally have in mind then reassess once you get there. For me, I set my initial goal at the very top of the healthy range for my height. I then switched into maintenance mode and very slowly began to make changes that will help me sustain my losses. I continued to lose at a very slow pace and have levelled off about 10 pounds under my original goal. I'm happy here, both with how I look and with feeling like it's a healthy weight that I can maintain. Keep up your great work and positive attitude!
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Gains and Losses

Friday, July 27, 2012

I gained 2 pounds this week.

My weight is now back to what it was prior to starting both the cleanses in July. I knew this would happen because on the cleanses I was not eating "normally" (I put "normally" in quotations because my diet was not normal for me. It may be perfectly normal for others, but it was abnormal for my nutritional plan).

A diet made up of fruits and vegetables, and medical drink will of course result in weight loss! But, it's not real. And that's one of the reasons I wanted to stop the cleanse - I knew that the moment I went back to eating actual foods that I eat (yes, some of them are processed, and simple sugars!), grains, meats, dairy, etc. the weight would all come back. And it did.

And even though I prepared myself for the weight gain by accepting that a drastic change in diet for a short period of time would not result in real, long term, weight loss, I guess a little piece of me was still hoping that some of the weight would stay off.

And I'm sad, because it didn't.

But, as I said before - it's a journey. And you have to take the bad, with the good. And I like the good, so I will accept the bad. And in the big scheme of things - it's not all bad.

But, I am still bothered by the gain. I'm going to try to break it down to determine why I'm so bothered:

1) I feel like I wasted a month (all of July) with the "fake" weight loss, and now I'm exactly where I was a month ago, weight wise. Whereas if I had been following my normal plan, I would be lighter (maybe?)...

2) I worked so hard and deprived myself of so much. It was emotionally and mentally challenging to follow the cleanse - and I feel like all the hard work was for nothing.

3) My weight loss progress and success has been slowed down by another month.

Ok - now let's respond to each of my concerns and thoughts leading to being upset (btw - I'm going to be talking to myself, so bear with me):

1) Yes, you are exactly where you were a month ago (weight wise). And yes, it is possible that if you had stuck to your plan you would have lost weight and would now weigh less. It's also possible thatyou wouldn't have lost anything and could have gained more because if you recall, dear Jenn, you were seriously struggling with motivation and drive - you continued to fall off the wagon for about 2 weeks before you actually went in and saw the naturopath and started the whole cleanse protocols. You were in a really low place, emotionally and mentally. Remember? So, it's not really fair to say that you would weigh less if you followed your plan. You might actually weigh more!

2) You can't ever say that an experience was a waste because it helped to bring you to the place you are now. And now, you are motivated. You are happy. You are positive about life. You were in a really crappy place before all the cleanses started. And although the cleanses didn't help to improve your mood, per se, they did help you to pull yourself up and find your sunshine, once again. You found your inner strength - and isn't that worth all the deprivation and hard work?

Yes, you did work VERY hard. And you know what that tells me? It tells me that you are going to be successful during this weight loss journey. If you can deprive yourself of coffee, meat, dairy, etc. for 9+ days, and subsist on cruciferous vegetables and apples for THREE DAYS (while being around others who were eating pizza, candy, popcorn, etc.), you can be amazingly successful at this weight loss journey for the LONG TERM! Look at what you were able to get through! Look at what you endured - all in the name of your health! So now, giving up that piece of cake...or passing on the french fries doesn't seem so difficult, does it?

3) Yes, your weight loss progress has been pushed off a month. But it's about progress. Not about overnight changes. Think of everything you have gained in the last month, in terms of emotional strength, positive attitude, and knowledge. So, what's another month in the scheme of life? And it could have been pushed off even more if you hadn't followed the cleanses - maybe you would have gained 10 pounds, instead of 5!

Progress involves ebbs and flows - 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Sometimes it's 1 step forward and 2 steps back. PROGRESSion. It's life. Sometimes you will gain weight, and sometimes you will lose weight. Hopefully more losing than gaining - but it's life! No sense in crying over gained weight. :)

You're doing what you need to do - follow your meal plans, stick to your exercise, and move forward! Smile because you are blessed to have another opportunity to get things right!

Old Jenn would have freaked out about the weight gain and done one of two things: 1) gone off plan SIGNIFICANTLY and said "screw it!" - consuming about 3000 calories a day until you hit rock bottom, again; or 2) Seriously picked apart your diet, everything consumed in the last week to find the culprit for the weight gain - then do a serious overall, creating a restrictive plan for you to follow for the next week - which would inevitably result in another stumble as you violently fly off plan and into calorie-laden-ville!

But, new Jenn is doing just fine! You're planning on going for a run today during lunch. You're planning on sticking to your set plan. You can re-evaluate in a couple of weeks if the weight does not come off, eventually - but it is about progression. Don't stop now and jump on another bandwagon because the weight didn't come off in 7 days. It might take longer! Just stick to it!

So - all in all - everything is wonderful! Five pounds up, or down - it's life. It is what it is. There is nothing you can do about the past...you can only move forward.

So here is to contiuned progress! Here is to another glorious day! Here is to another day to love myself for all I am capable of doing, for my strengths, my weaknesses, and my existence! I LOVE ME - extra pounds or no pounds. And I will continue to love me - no matter what!

And today is another day in this wonderful journey.

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!! I am so blessed to be alive! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KOFFEENUT 7/28/2012 2:42PM

    GREAT attitude, and you're right - this is a journey. Sometimes we go down little side paths only to discover they don't take us where we want to go. And learning that you do have the discipline and motivation to make good choices - not 100% of the time, because that's not real life, but ENOUGH of the time - means this path WILL take you where you want to go. We're with you!

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TINAJANE76 7/28/2012 1:25PM

    This process is such a learning experience and it's great to see you learning so many positive things along the way. You're worth keeping up the effort and, with time, you'll find your way and what works best for you.
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POLYANNA2 7/28/2012 7:47AM

    So true, when you take something to the extreme, moderation seems like a walk in the park!
Now that you've got it figured out, you can quit worrying and just follow the plan! You can do it!!!
Hugs....Carol

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GRANNYSUE9 7/27/2012 5:55PM

    Sorry about the weight gain. I do hope that this cleansing is helping you in other ways.

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MNABOY 7/27/2012 5:37PM

    We have to experiment to truly get our "mind set" where it will lead us along the trail to a healthier life. The side trips may be fun or painful, but if we learn something of value that will keep us trekking to a healthier life we succeed.

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CSDAYS 7/27/2012 12:18PM

    Wow!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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stumble.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

All was well today until after my acupuncture appointment...don't know if it was the frustration over traffic, my hunger, my change in schedule which delayed my work out time, and then led to my decision to skip my work out, or what? But, I decided to go off plan.

So, I stumbled today: no work out and over calories.

But you know what - it's life! I'm not always going to be perfect. I'm not always going to stick to my plan. I'm going to stumble. And I'm going to delay my weight loss. But it's part of the journey. No harm. I will get back on the wagon and get back to it!

Healthy meals planned for tomorrow, and another hour walk with my girlfriend around the waterfront. Back to good.

And I'm happy. Because I am enjoying being me. I am enjoying existing. I am enjoying my stumbles, because I can be even more proud of myself when I pick myself up, dust my knees off, and continue on this glorious journey that is life!

So, I am picking myself up and tending to my scraped up knees...and I'm heading toward success!

Happy Wednesday!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TINAJANE76 7/27/2012 9:32AM

    That's the attitude that will allow you be to successful! I don't think there's any person anywhere, no matter how successful they've been, who could tell you that they've stuck to their plan 100% of the time and have never stumbled. That's part of life and living it! The important thing is that you pick yourself up and get back on track so one bad day doesn't turn into a string of bad days. Hope today's a good one for you!

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KOFFEENUT 7/26/2012 11:42PM

    We all hit bumps in the road. The IMPORTANT thing is that you pick yourself up and head back in the right direction. You've got the right attitude!!!

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EJOK170 7/26/2012 10:00PM

    Yes, so straightforward. So honest. That's how you succeed! And you will. emoticon emoticon

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ELLENBERRY 7/26/2012 12:47PM

    Awesome attitude. You can do it. You are amazing! emoticon

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FUCHSIAGAL 7/26/2012 9:48AM

  Great attitude! Good for you for getting back to it!

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2BEABETTERME 7/26/2012 8:36AM

    Great attitude! Most likely it won't affect your weight loss, it was just one day. Life is so much more enjoyable when we realize getting healthy and losing weight is about progress not perfection.

Keep up the great work!
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WYO_CASEY 7/26/2012 8:07AM

    Love your attitude! Just because you stumble doesn't mean you need to fall flat on your face!

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 7/26/2012 7:05AM

    That's right- today is a new day. Fresh start and a chance to make good choices emoticon

As you go along you'll figure out what triggers these episodes, sometimes avoidable and others well they're a part of life emoticon It's all about figuring out what works for you and your progress emoticon

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SANDYHAZY 7/25/2012 10:34PM

    Way to go! There is no use in beating yourself up over a stumble! These things happen. It's good you are staying positive. emoticon

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The journey, not the destination.

Monday, July 23, 2012

I feel so blessed and so happy that I am learning and growing throughout this entire experience.

Being overweight, I am eager to become skinny and beautiful - quickly. I want to reach my goals NOW. I discovered that I have been putting my life on hold, somewhat until I reach my goals. Obviously, I'm going through the motions of life - going to work, getting through the day, etc. But, my mindset was so focused on "when I reach my goals..." I discovered that I was not living. Everything was not about the moment, the here and now, the present. It was about the future...when I reach my goals...when I am skinny...when I am a size X...

And I was not happy. It was always about getting to my goals, and how far I had to go. I was not allowing myself to enjoy the present. To be here. To be happy.

I've been on a low carb lifestyle plan, a 10 day cleanse, and then a 28 day cleanse, and I was so wrapped up in losing 10 pounds in a week, or 20 pounds in a month, etc. It was all about how quickly I could lose it all, and what I could put my body through to get to that goal.

And although I was miserable on the cleanses (not so bad on the low carb thing), all of the experiences would be repeated because it has brought me to where I am now. And now, I am happy. Now, I have learned. Now, I am different.

The 28 day cleanse it what pushed me over the edge. I was miserable. I planned meals in my head that I wanted to be eating, but that weren't allowed on the cleanse because they had sugar, meat, coffee, simple carbs, etc. I was irritable, had a short fuse, and was not much fun to be around.

I just kept telling myself I had to make it through the day. Just one more day...and another...and another.

What's the point of "making it" through the day if you're miserable? They're just wasted days that have passed you by now. I couldn't go to parties, friends' houses, or out for drinks after work with my co-workers. I contemplated skipping my mom's birthday dinner b/c I couldn't eat anything there. I tried to get out of a fundraiser for a friend b/c the food would be taboo for me. I just wanted to sleep every day away until I was done with the cleanse.

And then I realized that I had almost been doing the same thing (although not to that extent) with my weight loss in general recently. My desire to lose all the weight quickly turned into a time of sadness and misery for me and I just wanted to sleep every day away until I was at my goal. What's the point?

Early on in this journey, I had it right. I was eating foods I enjoyed within my nutritional range, and I was exercising. The weight loss was slow. Extremely slow. Sometimes no loss at all during a week. Sometimes 1 pound. It took me a month to lose about 5 pounds, and then another month to lose 4 pounds. I'm talking glacier slow weight loss here.

I continued to tell myself slow and steady leads to long term weight loss and habits I can maintain for life!

And then I started paying closer attention to my sparkfriends and their weight loss journeys. And I told myself my weight loss was too slow. It seemed that "everyone else" was losing 10+ pounds a month! Here I was, training for a half marathon, running most days of the week, sticking to my plan, and losing 4 pounds a month on average! I though to myself "this is pathetic! You're doing something wrong!!!"

So, I decided to look at my eating and my foods and revamp what I was doing. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be enjoying my foods. Maybe I was still eating too unhealthily. I did have a cheat day that was included in my early on plan, and maybe I was eating too much on that day, which was railroading my weight loss for the week.

So, I started doing research on other lifestyle plans and protocols. I found the 17 Day Diet, which I thought I could maintain long term. And I think I can, with some tweaking. :) But, when I went to Phase II of the 4 phase plan, my weight loss stalled. And that scared me. I was working REALLY hard, nutritionally, and nothing was happening. So, I went to the naturopath. And the cleanses began. And yes, weight came off quickly (5 pounds in 9 days, and more if I had made it past Day 5 on the 28 day cleanse). But, I was miserable. And I had lost my *spark*.

I was so caught up in losing the weight quickly (because in my mind going the slow route wasn't "right"), I had lost site of the ultimate goal: life long change.

So, I reanalyzed what I was doing. And I realized that it is NOT about the destination. It is about the journey. I cannot put off living my life and enjoying everything once and only once I achieve my goals. I have to live now. I have to enjoy the now.

And although the cleanses weren't necessarily about the weight loss entirely, they were also about finding food sensitivities and ways to increase energy, the misery I was in really made me question what the point of all of it was.

So let's say I find I'm sensitive to sugar, dairy, meat, eggs, simple carbs, processed foods, etc. That doesn't mean that I'm going to cut them out of my diet entirely. It just means I'm more aware of how the foods I consume can affect me and my overall functioning. So, what is the point of continuing the cleanse any further? Yes, I know that I feel better when I only eat vegetables and fruits. But, I'm not going to eat fruits and vegetables only for the rest of my life. So, having the awareness is really all that matters. When I eat a sandwich with bread, my sinus congestion will increase and my energy levels will drop. When I consume sugar, my energy level decreases. Ok, now I know. And I will use what I have learned in the future.

So, I'm back to eating what I want to eat and designing my own meal plans. Simple carbs - yup, they're not very good for me, but I will enjoy them once in a while. And I will not feel guilty that they are a part of my meal plan! Dairy - yup, I love it and it belongs in my diet! Meat - I enjoy it and will continue to plan meals with meat. And coffee will be a part of my daily plans. :)

I have also learned to enjoy a variety of meatless meals, and new vegetables prepared in new ways. I have new meal ideas thanks to the creativity I found while on the cleanses and I'm excited about continuing them in my nutritional plans.

Yes, I can lose weight fast - 10+ pounds a month. I can exercise 60+ minutes every day. I can eat fruits and vegetables only, or adopt a vegan or semi-vegan lifestyle. But, none of that will make me happy, and at this point these are not life changes that I can see myself making for the long term. So, I will stick to the glacier slow weight loss. And I will learn to enjoy my days and find happiness in just existing.

And if I feel like I want to lose some weight quickly, I know how to go about doing that. But right now my focus should not be on the destination, but rather the journey. The day to day of life. If I died tomorrow, would I be able to look back on my last few days and be happy with how I spent my time?

I am also planning on an exercise plan for the week that seems doable. T and Th I'm meeting up with a girlfriend and we're going to walk the waterfront in downtown (it involves walking around the Willamette River - crossing some of our beautiful bridges in Portland) and enjoying the weather. M, W, and F I am going to try to stick to my running program to work towards a 5K. I keep starting it and then stopping it after the first day. I start it again a week later, and stop it again. I'm going to REALLY try to stick to it.

I also tend to forget about the strength training and other videos offered on SP. I'm going to try to take advantage of those as well. I keep telling myself I just have to do 10 minutes. I can stop after 10 minutes if I like. Or I can keep going. But I can commit to 10 minutes. And I really don't mind strength training. It's cardio that kills me.

So, I have a plan. And I have new goals. And I'm in a good place.

1) Exercise 5 days a week for at least 20 minutes;
2) Find something to be happy about at least twice a day;
3) Enjoy the moment - even if it's a moment in traffic;
4) Remember that it's about the journey, and not the destination

I am happy. Today is the first day of my plan. I am thankful that I am alive. I am happy that the sun is out. I am happy that I am healthy and able bodied. I am happy that I was able to enjoy coffee this morning.

I have my exercise clothes ready for a 20-30 minute run on the waterfront after work.

I am going to pull my weights out and put on a strength training video when I get home and try to do some sort of activity for at least 10 minutes.

I look forward to this week, and every week after.

And I am thankful that I have the day to enjoy.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANDREWS_MOM 7/25/2012 5:46PM

    I am so happy for you! It looks like you have had your "AHA!" moment and are truly in a good place where I am sure great things are going to follow!
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SWEDE_SU 7/25/2012 4:49PM

    it will only work if you find something you can live with and make *your* lifestyle - otherwise, when a "cleanse" or a "diet" ends, it becomes the "same old, same old" and the weight just returns. the formula of calories in and calories out works - it's just a matter of finding the healthiest calories you can live with, personally. emoticon

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SASIKHASI1 7/24/2012 12:46PM

    Very good insight on your part. More people need to read this and apply it to their life. Each day that goes by when you are not happy is a day wasted that you will never get back. Enjoy each day to it's fullest.

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TINAJANE76 7/24/2012 11:50AM

    I'm so happy to read such a positive blog from you! I think you've made an excellent decision and you're right--you can't put your entire life on hold for the sake of getting skinny in flash, especially if you want to maintain your losses and want to be happy along the way. So what if you "only" lose four or five pounds in a month. How many pounds would you be losing if you did nothing? Probably zero. I know I'd definitely GAIN weight. I used to be a serial yo-yo dieter and was a slow loser this time around too. Take it from me, it's way to go to ensure long-term success and happiness!
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GOLOPTIOUS 7/24/2012 10:09AM

    Love this blog. You've put into words what so many people are feeling.

I've decided that the people who can lose 10+ pounds a month are the exception, not the rule. I've done it a couple of times, but as soon as something in my life changes the weight comes back.

Do what makes you happy, what you enjoy, and what keeps you active without being miserable. That's what life should be about!

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 7/24/2012 9:48AM

    Two ways to get weight loss fast- starvation and beating yourself to the ground with A LOT of exercise.

I've been exactly where you are. (except for the cleanse:) I too saw my Spark friends lose weight at lightning speed. Wondered what is wrong with my body. Why am I not losing weight as fast? Spent more time at the gym. Starved my body. Totally beat myself up. I had to emoticon Was I happy? Is this something I can keep doing the rest of my life? Major NO.

I am ok, with losing 1-2lbs a week. I still eat foods I love.I don't think a world without fried chicken or brownies once in a while is a happy place emoticon I stopped comparing myself to my spark friends. I am getting to a place where I am happy in my own skin, happy with myself and not trying to beat anyone at weight loss. I am pushing myself for me. I want to slip into my size 8 jeans for ME. No one else.

So go at your pace do your journey- you will get there and speeding past might not help you learn the lessons you need to along the way. emoticon

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MARGO_U 7/23/2012 10:57PM

    Thank you! I really needed your post tonight. I get so caught up in how long it's taking me to reach my goal that I forget about the here and now. Our lives don't stop just because we're trying to drop a couple sizes. I think the secret to success is finding a way to do it that compliments your lifestyle, and it sounds like you have it figured out. emoticon

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POLYANNA2 7/23/2012 10:41PM

    Knowledge is power. Doing that 28-day cleanse, or at least attempting it, taught you a lot of very valuable lessons. I too have learned to enjoy each moment knowing that slowly but surely I will get to goal. I wish I had learned this lesson as early in life as you have. You're going to be just fine now, and I am very happy for you. Here's to enjoying our days as we journey towards our goals!!!
emoticon Carol

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LIFEISPURRFECT 7/23/2012 8:05PM

    Wonderful post. It sounds like you are in the right frame of mind to succeed. Great job!

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JENGOJENGO 7/23/2012 7:02PM

  Great blog! I can totally agree with you. I lost about 15 lbs very quickly on Medifast, but I was just FOUL all the time, crazy hungry, grumpy, etc, so I quit and gained it all back. Of course, if I had just come back to SP and followed the guidelines, I could have avoided the gain, but the point is, being miserable all the time is not worth it!

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Day 5 (of 28) - Out the window! FREEDOM AND JOY!

Friday, July 20, 2012

I feel free. I feel light. I feel ecstatic.

I am taking today and tomorrow of the cleanse. And I am overjoyed with my decision.

It was all sparked by a sparkfriend's blog (http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_
journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4976702)
yesterday about loving our bodies. She talked about loving our bodies, our curves, no matter what size, and being happy with all our bodies do for us. And it really made me think. I loathe my body. I hate every inch of it. I am disgusted by the folds and curves and softness. And every day that my body looks like this, is another day I beat myself up about it. Granted, I don't feel this way about myself 100% of the time, but it's closer to 95% of the time. And then, when I do have a good day, there is usually a photo to memorialize the day, which I pick apart and identify all the disgusting aspects that are me - which turns the 5% positive into a negative.

I try to tell myself: "Would you ever talk to a friend like this about her body? If a friend was insecure and did not feel beautiful or worthy, would you tell her she was disgusting and gross?" And the answer is no. So, why do I think it's ok to talk to myself that way?

I need to love myself. I need to be proud of my curves. Proud of my body and its capabilities, and proud of myself for all the positive choices I have made and will make in the future.

And I need to do things that make me happy. I need to make choices that make me happy. Because no one else can make me happy. I have to choose to be happy.

So, what does this have to do with the cleanse?

The cleanse does not make me happy. It makes me miserable. I realize it's only 28 days of my life...out of all the days of my life left...it's ony 28 days. But, what is the point? The naturopath claims it is to increase my energy. Ok - so I eliminate entire food groups, increase my energy, and maybe lose some weight...and then what? Then slowly add things back into my diet? Ok - but the weight will come back when I start eating more than just fruits and vegetables. I lost 5 pounds on the 10 day cleanse. I have gained 2 pounds back. And in this first week of the 28 day cleanse, I have gained 4 pounds, and lost 2 pounds, leaving me at a 2 pound increase overall.

Yes, it's still not the 5 pounds, but this up and down really hurts my self esteem. And I know this is my problem. I am the one that puts so much emphasis on my weight, and my identity involving my weight, so when my weight goes down I feel worthy and beautiful, and when it goes up (even by 2 pounds), I feel like a failure and pathetic.

So, my weight went up this week, which lead to me picking apart my body. My weight will go down next week, which wil cause me to feel happy and elated. But, it will go up again the week after, when I add grains and beans back into my diet. And then I will pick apart my flaws, again. This yo-yo is so difficult.

Yes, it's only 28 days of my life. But 28 days during which I am not happy. What if I died tomorrow - would I be happy with the choices I made? Would I be happy with myself and my relationships? No.

So, I am choosing to take two days off the cleanse - for my mental health and my well being. Yes, my weight will go up. But it will go up because I am choosing to consume foods in amounts which will cause my weight to go up. Not because I've started eating normal foods that I have banned from my diet for the last week (which is frustrating and disheartening).

I am drinking a latte right now. And I had a donut at work this morning. And my supervisor and my manager have both commented on how happy and positive I seem. :) They said they like "carb Jenn" better than "cleanse Jenn". I agree.

Next week will be difficult, but I am choosing to move forward with the fruits and vegetables portion only. Just to experiment and see how I feel at the end of the week.

And if I choose to continue with the cleanse, it is my choice. And if I choose to end the cleanse, it is also my choice. And I will choose to do things that will make me happy each day. :) Not because I don't want to disappoint people.

And you know what? I planned another 1 hour walk with a girlfriend for after work today, because I have the energy to do so and it will make me happy! I am looking forward to seeing her!

I would have not done it because I am typically STARVING and so tired after work (on this cleanse), that I don't have energy to make dinner, or do anything productive after work, let alone go for a walk! And today - I have energy! I have a bounce in my step! I feel positive about life! And I love my body.

And tomorrow is my mom's 66th birthday. And she had originally requested we go to brunch and then a movie. When I told her that I was on the cleanse, she suggested we go for a bike ride instead. My mom hates riding her bike. She was only trying to appease me because she wants to spend time with me and is willing to do whatever to be able to spend time with me.

So, I'm choosing to go off the cleanse tomorrow so that I can go to brunch with my mom. And I might eat toast, even though it's not allowed. And I might have eggs, even though they're not allowed. And we'll go to the movie and I might eat some of my mom's popcorn. Even though it's not allowed either. And I am choosing to do these things because they make me happy. And living my life involves going to brunch with my mama on her birthday. And going to a movie with her (which we only do about 2 times a year). And those things will make me happy. Happier than a bike ride (which we both DO NOT enjoy).

Here's to Day 5! Coffee, sugar, dairy, and simple carbs! Here's to Jenn choosing to do things that make her happy! Here's to no guilt! And here's to loving my body the way it is! And the way it will be! And all the ways by body will be between now and my goals!!! Because I am deserving of love and attention - NO MATTER WHAT SIZE OR WEIGHT I AM!!!!

I am worthy!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TINAJANE76 7/21/2012 10:43AM

    I totally agree with POLYANNA2 and CHOCOHOLIC2276. If the cleanse is making you totally miserable then maybe it's not the best thing for you to be doing right now. Surely there's a more balanced plan that you can follow that doesn't totally eliminate the things you love that can help you to still lose weight and have more energy. If the goal is to find out what food sensitivities you might have, that's one thing but a long-term meal plan should take your preferences into account and allow you to have moderate amounts of the foods that boost your mood even if they're not the healthiest things in the world.

Enjoy your days off and your mental health break from the cleanse. Be safe and keep on blogging about how you're doing!
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POLYANNA2 7/20/2012 8:24PM

    It truly is all about balance, and if the cleanse was making you totally miserable, it's obviously not something that's really going to work for you. Following a healthy eating plan works best because it does not totally deprive you but provides you with the means to be healthy. What more could a person ask for? Maybe taking this 2 days off will be just the thing you need to continue on with the short term goal you have set, but after that I hope you can find a good balance for yourself.

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 7/20/2012 4:33PM

    Glad to hear you are happy again:) It honestly sounded like you were miserable with this cleanse. In reading your blogs I really wanted to tell you to look for something you enjoy eating that will help you reach your goal. You don't have to torture yourself to get there. Learn to eat healthier but this whole thing sounded a bit complicated and miserable.

Hope you find a happy compromise to your nutrition and most of all hope you have a great time with your mom celebrating her birthday!!

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STARMIZER2000 7/20/2012 1:46PM

  Good reading

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