Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I've updated my17 Day Diet Experiment blog:
I'd love to hear feedback re self sabotage and your thoughts/experiences!
Saturday, June 09, 2012
I admit it.
I can get rid of the evidence, I can hide the "bodies", but I need to come clean.
I went over the edge yesterday, last night, and continued into today. I had a semi-food binge.
It started with a harmless scone. I really, desperately, wanted the scone. So, I told myself if I finished my 1.5 liters of water, and I still wanted the scone, I could have it. So, I finished the water. Then I told myself if I finished the cup of green tea, I could have the scone. So, I finished the green tea. Then I told myself I would get the scone, only if the coffee shop had the one I wanted.
So, I went downstairs (in my office building), and went to the coffee shop. I ordered my coffee, and the scone.
And I warmed it up.
And I devoured it.
And it was DELICIOUS. Pure buttery heaven. And then I logged it in. And I was ok with the fact that I had just spent 420 calories and 68 gram of carbs on the scone. That was fine because I obviously REALLY wanted it.
A blogging friend of mine had a post in which she said that "cheating" on a diet is a lot like running a red light. If you're driving, and you run a red light - you don't think "well, crap, I just broke the law. I might as well go rob a bank, commit armed robbery, steal a car, and start using crack!" You think "Oh no, I shouldn't have done that. Ok, got to be more aware, more cautious and a better driver!" "Cheating" on a diet is the same thing. So you go off script and you eat something that wasn't in your plan. No biggie. It's life. You just get back on plan and continue with your goals. So, my scone was my red light. No biggie!
Then I told myself I had to skip lunch to deal with the ramifications of said scone.
Oh, Jenn. Why would you punish yourself? It's always an internal battle with me. I allowed myself the scone. Gave myself PERMISSION. So, why would I punish myself by denying myself my healthy lunch? But, in my mind, I was balancing out the calories. So, I skipped lunch.
At 2pm, I was hungry. VERY hungry. So, I had more tea, water, and coffee. Still hungry. Finally, at 3, I gave in. BUT, instead of eating the healthy curried chicken salad over greens, I decided to partake in Pizza Friday at work.
There were left over slices to choose from. The firm manager is lactose intolerant so he always gets a 12" cheeseless pizza with extra veggies and Italian sausage. There were 3 pieces left. I had two. I wanted the third - but I had two.
So, I went and logged the food in immediately. I was still ok - even with the pizza, lunch, and scone, I was ok if I had the dinner that I had planned - fish taco plate (no actual taco involved).
But, my emotional eating go the best of me. My irritation level for the day was at an all time high. And my irritation and emotional turmoil with my partner was weighing on me. So, I gave in to it all.
And I did. Screw the red light. I went on a crime spree - I robbed the bank. I did crack cocaine. I stole a car.
My first target - grocery store. I committed my first crime by purchasing ice cream, pound cake, hot fudge sauce, peanuts, banana, and whip cream. My second target - Taco Bell. My second crime was purchasing two loco tacos and a nacho burrito. Third crime - consuming the Taco Bell bounty. Fourth crime - even though my stomach was most definitely full of food and the last thing it needed was more - I made a sundae. Fifth crime - I devoured the sundae. Sixth crime - an hour+ later, I made another mini sundae. Seventh crime - I ATE IT! Oh geez - arrest me and put me on a strict cleansing diet!!!! I felt gross.
This morning, I felt very badly about my binge. I was determined to get back on the straight and narrow path toward my goals - healthy eating! So, I made my iced coffee. Surprisingly (!!!) I was not hungry.
Then, my alter binge eating ego took over for a moment, and at 10:30 this morning, I went to get more coffee and instead of getting my americano, I got a caramel macchiato (with non-fat milk, of course, but STILL!).
I was DETERMINED to get back on the path to good. So, I made mock french toast for breakfast. Egg whites, apple, cinnamon. Goodness.
I ran errands with my mom.
Got home around 3. Was STARVING. And my alter ego took over once again. I committed another crime against a bag of cheetos and white cheddar popcorn. The crime scene photos are gruesome.
I am DETERMINED to get this right. I am going to work on my weekly meal plan now. I am going to make my grocery list, and I am going to go grocery shopping. And tomorrow, I will have a healthy, filling, breakfast of scrambled eggs with crisp veggies, along with yogurt and fresh fruit! Lunch will be faux tacos (in fact, I will make them for dinner tonight! And have the left overs tomorrow). Dinner will be oven baked chicken kabobs (YUMMY!). And for snack, I'll have a kefir smoothie.
THIS IS DOABLE! I was supposed to weigh in on Monday, but because I have a habit of tying my self-worth into the number on the scale, I think I'll pass. I'll skip a week and weigh-in next Monday. I CAN DO THIS!!!!
I'm giving up my life of crime! I'm following the path toward health!
Cheater cheater binge food eater has not run her last red light. That I can assure you. But she is working very hard on ensuring that a red light here and there does not turn into a crime spree.
Check out my progress (and recipes!): 17dayexperiment.blogspot.com/
Friday, June 08, 2012
I continue to have wavering moments of acceptance and enlightenment, and pure panic and anxiety.
The last few days were pretty good - general acceptance and enlightenment - my mantra was "it is what it is". I felt that I had a handle on things - the only thing in my control was myself. If I am unhappy, I need to take the steps to change that. If I'm upset, I need to take the steps to remedy what was causing me to feel upset. Life is what you make it - if you give it all you've got you can enjoy.
My normal panic and anxiety about my future (finding a husband and having a family) was more of an acceptance. What happens will happen. If I find a husband, wonderful. If I don't, that's wonderful too. I can still enjoy my life and have wonderful experiences, without the partner I've imagined. Yes, the family I crave would have to come about in a more difficult manner, but where there is a will - there is a way. So, if I have to move toward my goals of having a family on my own - then I can do it. I choose to be happy and that is all that matters!
Today, my acceptance has disappeared. I can understand the logic of my acceptance and with an open heart, I can accept "acceptance". But, for some reason, my heart is not open to accept. Today, I am panicked.
It started when I was checking out pictures on an old HS girlfriend's Facebook page. She is (seemingly) happily married, has been since 2007. She has two beautiful daughters.
I was married in 2006 and divorced in 2008. I tried to make it fit because I so wanted to be a wife and mother, but my ex-husband was not the partner I was meant to be with. And now, 4 years later, I am still single. I have no hope for marriage on the horizon, and no children in my near future. This is most definitely NOT where I pictured myself.
I understand that everyone is different, and I cannot really compare myself to others because we all have our own journeys to experience. But, I feel like I am behind. And I'm panicked! I'm 31. I'm single. And I'm childless. Statistics point to the unlikelihood of my getting married.
I realize that part of the thing holding me back from marriage, or even a relationship, is my weight. No one wants to date a fat chick. No one wants to marry a fat chick. In order to attract a mate, I need to be attractive. And I can't be attractive until I lose all this weight. So, part of my panic is in regret - I wasted 4 years being fat and pushing away a potential husband.
Another thing holding me back is my attitude. In order for someone else to love and appreciate me, I need to love and appreciate me. I need to accept me for who I am and love me - always and unconditionally. Something about who I am pushes people away.
Strange dichotomy - on the one hand I need to change the way I look in order to have another person love me. On the other, I need to love me unconditionally before another can love me unconditionally. But, before I can even convince someone to give me a chance to love me unconditionally, I need to attract them - which requires changing the way I look. Hmmm...increasing anxiety.
I have also deduced that there is something wrong with me, as a person. I seem to push people away and isolate myself. I need to determine what is wrong with me and I need to change it.
I need to accept that I need to make changes. If I do not make changes, I will continue to be plagued by anxiety over things.
I cannot change my past - I accept that. I made mistakes, I wasted time, I made poor decisions. It's life. I accept that.
I need to change because I'm not happy.
Maybe this whole "acceptance" thing is crap people convince themselves of because they're too lazy to make any actual changes in their lives. Maybe it's an excuse I'm trying to tell myself to make me feel better about being pathetic?
The bottom line is this - I need to learn to be happy with me.
I need to "accept" me. Whatever that means.
Monday, June 04, 2012
YAY! I completed Phase I. It was challenging. Very challenging.
9.2 pounds lost (in 17 days of the plan)
4" lost off waist
2" lost off hips
2" lost of chest
.5" lost off arms
1" lost off thighs'
If you want to see "before" and "after" photos - check out my blog: http://17dayexperiment.blogspot.com/
Today, I am having a "cheat day". I'm sure I'm going to catch a lot of flack for it - but I think my "cheat days" are necessary to keep going on this lifestyle change. I love food and I can do the "moderation" thing for only so long - and then I want to gorge. And then, I do, and it takes me a few months to get back on plan. Whereas, if I have a "cheat day", I can make a deal with myself that I can eat what I want all day - and I have to get back on plan tomorrow. :) And after I reach a certain goal (i.e. completing a phase of the 17DD), I can have another cheat day.
We have to do whatever works for us, right? I mean, this is a lifetime thing. I have to be able to see myself doing this in 10, 15, 30 years...and so far, I think I can do this. :)
Happy Monday to All!
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
This journey is about growth. I am aware of this, logically. And on a fairly regular basis I feel that I am standing on the precipice of astronomical growth, only to stumble and fall backward - further away from the cliff that separates me from my current state and my meteoric rise.
What am I to learn in these moments of stumbling? What message has not been clear to me before?
Life is not black and white, but is made up of all the shades of the rainbow. My mind naturally gravitates toward black and white, all or nothing. This mentality is consistently causing me to stumble...like a child playing dress up in mommy's shoes. I'm tripping over myself, over my black and white thoughts.
Failure. Success. Why not varying degrees of success? After all, isn't failure the equivalent of death? Not to sound dramatic, or throw in attention grabbing flair, but really...think about it...we are living. We are waking up every day, giving it our best that we are capable of (or choosing not to give it our best), living every moment - good or bad, and ending the day...only to repeat the cycle (or a variation of it) again the next morning. Success. Participating in life - breathing, getting up and doing something - anything - is success. The only way you would not be successful would be if you were no longer with this world - death. Failure. Failure to live. Death.
If I don't stick to my plan or menu 100% - it's not a failure. It's a success. I am alive and have the capability to choose. It's a flash in my life. Life. Success.
I have discovered that I'm hesitant about starting a work out routine, or any physical activity for that matter, because I will not be at the same fitness level as I was in November, after finishing my 2nd half marathon, and over 5 months of consistent training. Black and white. All or nothing. If I can't go out and run an easy 5 miles, then it's not worth going out there. What kind of thought process is that?
I can't give it a good hour, because I'm not there fitness-wise, so I'm not going to give it 15 minutes.
Why always the negative? Why always the focus on all or nothing?
Why can't I change the perspective to anything is better than nothing? Five minutes is better than zero. Fifteen minutes is better than zero. And in time, that 45 minute run will become an easy thing to knock out.
It's all comes back to growth. Making connections in my brain that result in healthy lifestyle changes. Realizing that life is a success - in an of itself. How blessed I am to be alive - to be able to choose to greet the sun in its morning path...to be able to feel cool air on my face as I pedal my bike down a path...to feel the burn in my muscles as I push myself physically! Blessed to be given the opportunity to grow! Embrace growth!
There is so much love and knowledge in the world! I choose to grow! I choose to embrace it and accept the success that is life.
Here's to my continued journey...my continued growth!
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