Thursday, September 15, 2011
I don't have any friends. Not really.
I've never had many friends growing up. I've always had one or two really good friends, best friends. But, over time, the relationships end.
My childhood best friend was my best friend until I moved away at the age of 14. So, I made new friends; developed a close relationship to a girl in high school. About a year into that relationship, I realized we were too different and broke the friendship off.
I moved on to a new friend and we were best friends until about college. She still refers to me as one of her best friends (11 years after we graduated from high school, btw). But, we talk about once every few months and our lives are going in different directions. I consider her a friend, but not one I would call with day to day activities, happenings, and to talk.
When I went to college, I made great friends and developed a very close relationship with someone I'll call "L". "L" and I were extremely close, and we had a very close circle of wonderful friends.
After I graduated from college, I kept up my friendship with "L" and we would visit each other as often as we could, even though she lived in Michigan, and I lived in Oregon. I didn't really have any friends in Oregon. L was my only real friend. I worked in various jobs and made acquaintances, got together with people after work, and would participate in social activities, but after I left the job or work environment, the "friendships" would end.
When I met my now-ex-husband, things began to change for me and L. I was engaged, and had "it all" - house, dog, job, money, no debt, etc. Except that I wasn't in love with my soon-to-be-husband. And I didn't know who to talk to about it and how to talk about it. So, I kept it all inside. And slowly it began to eat away at me, and I became a very angry, bitter, unhappy person. I didn't realize this at the time. But, I apparently took it out on L.
After my wedding, the misery only increased. L planned a trip out to visit me (about a year after I had been married) and she and I planned a girls weekend to Vancouver, BC. It was the beginning of the end of our relationship. My negativity had apparently hit a breaking point with her. Almost the entire trip, she was short, and mean to me. She would say hurtful things and snap at me. She was very defensive any time I tried to inquire as to why she was being so mean. It was one of the worst weekends I've ever had. I counted down until she left. I coudln't figure out what was wrong.
Once she left, I sent her an email I had carefully composed inquiring as to why she was so mean and angry with me. She wrote a scathing, hate-filled, vitriolic email back basically telling me that I was incredibly negative and my negativity and friendship exhausted her. She was tired of always being positive and trying to bring me "up". I think she meant our entire friendship - not just the recent changes.
I was heartbroken. I didn't think I was negative and it hurt incredibly to be told that my friendship exhausted someone I thought loved me unconditionally. I never wrote her back. I was so hurt and devastated. I didn't know how to recover the friendship after being told I was a horrible friend. It was also a changing point in my life. I started really trying to pay attention to my negativity. I decided I deserved to be happy and so I mustered the courage to divorce my husband.
I started over - friendless and husbandless. I worked really hard on focusing on positives, seeing the silver lining in every situation, and staying as positive as I could.
I tried to involve myself in social activities to make friends and begin fresh. I trained for and completed a marathon, and met friends throughout that process. But, after the marathon training, the get-t0gethers and social activity invites stopped coming to me. The group kept in contact with each other, but I wasn't included. A year later, I joined the same running group (some new faces, some old) to train for a half marathon and make new friends. Same thing - we were social while training and after the event, I would only see their activities on facebook.
I made friends with two female co-workers in the company I worked in for almost 4.5 years. But, after we stopped working together, although we chat about 2-3 times a year, our conversations mostly consist of me inviting them to do things, them agreeing we should get together, and then nothing happening. Only to get another text or email months later saying we should get together.
So, here I am, 30 years old and completely lonely.
I have a boyfriend, and I can talk to him. But, I don't have any girlfriends. I don't have anyone I can vent to about my relationship. I don't have anyone I can go to brunch with, or grab drinks after work with. I don't have anyone.
And I am incredibly lonely.
There is obviously something incredibly wrong with me and I am so flawed that I consistently push people away and drive away any chances at lasting friendship.
I really don't know what's wrong with me, but whatever it is has made me extremely lonely.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I like the way my clothes fit now that I've lost some weight. I like the way my body feels and I feel more desirable to my partner. I feel sexy, I feel more confident. I feel good. Weight loss has been good to me.
But, I've hit a wall.
For 12 weeks I was participating in a Biggest Loser competition at work. Every Monday morning, the participants would weigh in and our success, or lack thereof would be emailed to the other participants in a "Weekly Weigh In¨ email. I worked hard. I stayed on track (with a few slip ups here and there ¡V to be expected, I'm human). And I came in 3rd. And I could NOT be more proud! I lost 16.8 pounds! I feel amazing! And, as I mentioned earlier - I LOVE the way my clothes fit and my body feels. I am very proud of myself.
But, now that the competition is over, I feel like I've lost the motivation to stay on track. You would think that the clothes fitting better, feeling more confident, and feeling sexy would be enough to keep me going towards my goal. But it¡¦s almost done the opposite. I want to "cheat" all the time. It's been SO hard to stay on track. Last Monday (8th) was the final weigh in, and I planned to get back on track Tuesday morning (after a celebratory day - I have been allowing myself one cheat day during the week to keep me on track and it's the day of my weigh-in, after I weigh in, of course). I started on track on Tuesday - breakfast and lunch packed, with healthy snacks (my usual). Then, we went to the movies in the afternoon. I had movie theater popcorn. Granted, I didn't want to eat dinner after that (and didn't)-but I still felt guilty. Tried to tell myself I'm allowed to eat unhealthy things, just not ALL the time and that this is a LIFE long journey to get right. Still racked with guilt.
Wednesday - I was able to stick to the plan. Granted, I was at the upper tier of my calorie allotment, but I still stayed on plan. I even got my 30 minute run in!
Thursday - things started off alright. I went for a 30 minute run. Then they veered off horribly. I didn¡¦t even track on Thursday. Or Friday. Or Saturday. Things just went so very wrong. Good, but wrong. I started the day with 2 giant cinnamon rolls that were absolutely delicious. I enjoyed EVERY bite. SO good. But, I'm pretty sure my entire calorie allotment was consumed before I was done enjoying the deliciousness of the baked yumminess. Then, I tried to get back on track by having my planned healthy lunch (meanwhile in my head I was already telling myself I'd screwed up). Then, my partner suggested we pick up some steaks for dinner. He wanted to grill them and I offered to make a spinach salad. I really should have had a very healthy salad for dinner and try to cut my losses. But, no, I ate the steak - definitely more than my 3-4oz that I allow myself. More like 6 oz I'm guessing. Oh geez. It was also very yummy.
Friday - continued my spiral of shame. Had 3 normal sized cinnamon rolls (I had really been craving them the week before - hence the binge) from the local grocery store bakery section. They weren't that good - very disappointing. Why did I eat 3 of them, then? Because I could. And I had bought a tray of 6 - and felt that I should get my money's worth. I had a healthy lunch. And popcorn (which I normally wouldn't have a problem with as I have it as a snack every now and then - but after cinnamon rolls, I felt very guilty). My partner and I went to the park and played Frisbee golf and then tossed the Frisbee back and forth. Then, we went to the grocery store to grab stuff for dinner. We got ground chuck for burgers. I made 6 patties with seasonings. He melted 2 slices of cheese (cut from an 8 oz block) onto each patty. I ate one over a bed of lettuce. He had 2. Oh, and did I mention the slurpee we had after the park?! OH GEEZ. Still feeling guilty about the amount of fat I was consuming, oh and the massive calorie intake!!!!
Saturday - I went on a 9.5 mile run. Spark people says I burned 1,020 calories. I don't believe that put a dent in anything. I was craving meat after my run, so when I got home I heated up one of the burgers and cooked 2 eggs. I was very satisfied and full until dinner time. We had friends over for dinner and my partner made pepper steaks on the grill, and I put together a spinach salad. I normally eat red meat about once or twice a month. This recent consumption makes me feel like I¡¦ve gained 1,000 pounds in the last week - ick. It probably wouldn't have been bad if I had stopped there. But, I didn't. One of our friends brought over garlic bread. I had 3 pieces. I love bread. It's my weakness. Then, the boyfriend made margaritas. I had 2. Oh, and then there was the homemade whipped cream I made to put over the sliced fresh peaches. Yeah, I ate that too.
Part of the difficulty in all of this is that my boyfriend is on a low-carb kick. In his mind - he believes that means he can eat unlimited amounts of fat and protein and that carbs are the evil devil and the reason we gain weight. I've tried to explain that too much of anything = weight gain and that our bodies can only process a specific amount of fat and protein, and after that it's stored as FAT and POUNDAGE. He thinks I have no idea what I'm talking about. So, when he cooks - he is heavy on the butter, cream, milk, cheese, etc. And he gets mad when I purchase reduced fat cheese or egg replacers. When he makes a meal - he loads it with fat. And I've tried to ask him to go light on mine - but he says that if I don¡¦t eat any carbs with it all I'll be fine.
So, he made breakfast Sunday. Cheese and bacon omelets. I asked for 2 eggs, light cheese, and one slice of bacon. I don't believe he obliged, but I did eat it anyway.
We had a late lunch of fruit, cheese, and wine while on a picnic, after a 30 minute hike.
For dinner, I had some more cheese and fruit - it put me over my calories.
Monday, I started off well - tried really hard to stick to the plan even though I wanted to veer EVERY moment.
We went to my mom's for a bbq. My downfall was the potato salad and dessert. I really should not have eaten as much potato salad as I did and I should have skipped dessert - or the extra latte I had in the afternoon. It put me over my calories YET AGAIN.
I haven't weighed myself in over a week and I'm terrified to step on to a scale - the wave of disappointment and shame is just waiting to wash over me.
So, here it is. Tuesday. I've had a large breakfast (all within calories), I have my lunch planned, and I have a light and healthy dinner planned. So far - I should come in under calories today (snacks have not been packed, and therefore not included in my allotment - but will add later). But, I am finding it VERY hard to stay on track. I want to cheat. I keep telling myself that a little leeway isn't going to hurt. But, it will! I'll gain all my weight back! I worked so hard to get it off! I cannot go back to that!
Why isn't the fear of gaining all the weight enough to push me towards my goal with open arms?
Why am I having such a hard time with food now? I keep telling myself I still have a "cheat day" to look forward to. It's not like I'm depriving myself FOREVER! It's just 6 days. I can make it 6 days. But it's SO hard. And I'm having such a difficult time focusing. I have a goal that is about 50 pounds away. I can see this goal - I want to achieve this goal. But, I feel like my mind has sort of given up and we¡¦re just happy at this weight. I'm not! I think I can get thinner! I want to know what that feels like. Why can't my dueling mind/heart come to a compromise of some sort and allow me to focus on the goal? GOAL!!! I can do this. But I have got to stick to it. And I can't feel guilty about my last week of debauchery. Yes, I was "bad". But, I remained active - so it could have been A LOT worse. And yes, I enjoyed my food. So, I really shouldn't feel guilty. Life is about living it - lip ups and all, and that's alright. I'm going to have weeks where I fall off the wagon and all that means is that I just get back on.
I seem to be having trouble getting back on this time, though. I feel like I can't catch up to the wagon.
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
I know I'm supposed to be happy for others who are successful and are making progress in their weight loss journey, and I am. I know how much work and effort goes into this struggle.
But, I'm going to be honest.
I'm also really jealous.
I keep reading about all these people who have lost all this weight - quickly...and I feel pathetic. I read, moments ago, about someone who lost 33 pounds in 12 weeks. I read another spark page earlier today about a wonderfully successful sparker who lost over 60 pounds in less than 6 months. And then another who lost over 10 pounds in less than 3 weeks.
I've been on this journey exactly 77 days. I've lost 13.8 pounds. It has taken me over two and a half months to lose 13.8 pounds.
I am training for a half marathon, I consistently journal and keep track of everything that goes into my mouth.
I suppose that I could work out more - but that increases my calorie range, which seems counter-intuitive to me when I'm trying to focus on LOSING weight.
I don't know what else to do, but I'm feeling like giving up. Not giving up - I'm making progress, VERRRRRRRY slowly, but if I give up then I'll just move back, and I definitely don't want that! So, not giving up...but...I don't know.
I know spark is supposed to be inspiring and supposed to empower others, but I don't feel inspired and empowered. I feel pathetic. I feel jealous. I feel hopeless. I feel crappy.
Monday, August 01, 2011
Today is the first day of my 7 day juice fast.
I've got my recipes, and I'm excited to get started on this journey. I'm hoping that I'll be able to push myself and test the strength of my willpower. I am also looking forward to feeling clean and like I am starting with a blank slate. This is very much needed. The last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. I've had a lot of emotional turmoil and stress. It has truly tested my willpower to be able to stand in the face of all the negativity and try to stick to my calorie allotment. It has been very hard. Last week, I thought I did really well. Yes, I wanted to give in and say "screw it", but I didn't. I even went for an 8 mile run on Saturday. So, imagine my surprise when I weighed in this morning and I was only down .2 pounds. POINT TWO. Not two pounds. Not 2.2 pounds. Just 2/10 of a pound. Not even a whole pound! Of course I ran through my head and tried to determine everything I had done wrong - maybe I didn't calculate the calories correctly, maybe I didn't drink enough water, I shouldn't have eaten XXX, it probably had too much salt, etc.
Then I tried to tell myself that I can't change the past. I can only focus on today. And tomorrow. But, really, just today. That's all I feel I can handle right now. Just need to get through today. I had read a sparkpeople article about the Biggest Loser show and what you can learn from it. One of the things it mentioned is that sometimes, despite all that hard work, you end up gaining weight. We don't know why - it just happens. So, I tried to convince myself - at least it was not a gain. It was a small loss - but a loss, which is MUCH better than a gain.
This strengthened my resolve to be able to successfully complete this 7-day juice fast. I need to re-jumpstart my weight loss. I need something to make me feel better about myself b/c I'm feeling pretty crappy right now. A nice healthy (more than 1 pound) loss would be very much appreciated! And I can prove to myself that I can do anything I put my mind to. :)
So, today's menu includes a spinach, blueberry, lemon juice for breakfast and mid-morning snack. A mango, blackberry, almond milk smoothie for lunch. Plenty of green tea and water. A pineapple, mango, banana smoothie for mid-afternoon snack, followed by a spinach, kale, pineapple juice for dinner, and a glass of almond milk before bed. Plenty of nutrients, plenty of calories to keep me going, and plenty of liquid to ensure my kidneys are functioning at their full capacity.
So - here is to a week of strength!
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
I got back from a 4th of July camping trip today. Prior to the trip I was very nervous. What if I went off my plan? What if I over ate? What if I couldn't refrain from snacking, which is basically what we do all day while camping?
See, when I talk to people about camping, they all insist that I'll be working so hard and exercising so much that I shouldn't worry about my food consumption. The problem is that I am not doing the type of camping that most people think of when they think of camping: hiking through lush forest, carrying equipment on my back, going for morning and twilight hikes and walks, enjoying nature. I'm at the beach. On a campsite with friends. And all we do is drink and eat, and drink and eat some more. We have a full grill, stove, and want for nothing. The only moving we do is from the fire to the port-a-potty, and back.
So, I planned for the trip. I tried to plan out calories for dinners and breakfasts (which we do as a group, each taking turns to feed the hungry masses around the fire), and I planned my snacks - carrots, apples, the occasional red vine or handful of trail mix, and of course the occasional red bull and vodka. I planned out so meticulously that I had every day figured out, including water consumption. I was going to run on the beach on Saturday and Tuesday (my normal running days), and I was going to enjoy the sun and the fireworks the remainder of the time.
We left Saturday morning. I had my planned breakfast, and coffee. So far so good. Lunch - Subway, as planned. Excellent. Water consumption - perfect! Got there - passed on the yummy snacks being passed around.
I did not go on my run as planned - strike one. But, managed to stick to the plan, even through dinner which consisted of steak and chicken kabobs, potato salad, and chips. I had half an ounce of chips, one kabob, and half a cup of potato salad. And I skipped dessert. I ate an apple. :) YAY JENN!
Sunday - breakfast was eggs, bacon, and hash browns - all planned for. Lunch, I had my planned yogurt parfait (greek yogurt, blueberries, and special k cereal). I however did not plan on eating 30 pieces of peanut butter filled pretzels. Which I did. STRIKE TWO.
STRIKE THREE came when I decided to open a bag of sunflower seeds (my weakness) and eat the entire 5.25 oz bag of sunflower seeds, for dinner. Then I had a s'more bar. STRIKE FOUR. Oh geez.
I was able to stop myself from going any further only b/c it was fast approaching bed time.
Also I did not consume my required amount of water. STRIKE FIVE.
Monday - I decided today was going to be different. I woke up, had my coffee (planned for), and went out for my run. YAY FOR ME! I ran hard and tried to work off all my guilty pleasures.
I returned, had my water (some - not anywhere near my required amount), and breakfast (french toast and bacon - planned for. And even though I wanted seconds, I stuck with my serving that I had pre-calculated. YAY for JENN!
And then proceeded to continue down my path of shame - two red bulls and vodka. STRIKE SIX. Although, because of the run, I think I'm going to give myself a bonus strike, and remove that - so we're back to STRIKE FIVE.
I skipped lunch (full from alcohol and red vines - STRIKE SIX). For dinner I had smoked salmon (not planned, but good and yummy and heart healthy) and coleslaw. Not too bad. Then I had tater tots. STRIKE SEVEN.
Then, I proceeded to consume 2 hot chocolates with marshmallows that evening. STRIKE EIGHT.
Tuesday - I woke up, had my coffee, and went for another run. Didn't run as hard - was feeling sluggish and weak (no surprise given that I was dehydrated and had eaten nothing but crap). Tuesday is typically my "free day". See, the way I'm working my program - I give myself one "cheat" day where I am allowed to eat everything I had "forbidden" myself the week before. It's typically AFTER my weigh-in, and I am free to eat dessert, have that extra serving, and so on.
I reasoned in my head that I had not been "that bad" (I didn't have my computer, and was too embarrassed and in denial to attempt to calculate what I actually ate), and was allowed to have my "free day". After all, I was on vacation, and had said no to the extra servings, dessert, etc. So, I gave in. Tuesday became my free day. Not even going to say what I ate because I am embarrassed and mortified at my gluttony. Just going to leave it at - cobbler, chicken fried steak, and a croissant were involved. Oh, and 3 twinkies. And I will reveal no more. STRIKE NINE, TEN, etc....not even going to take one away for the Tuesday am run b/c I don't deserve it.
So, today is Wednesday. I woke up - had my coffee, said no to chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream, and packed up my car. I said goodbye to my friends, goodbye to my gluttony and headed home. I stopped at Subway for lunch (planned) and had a planned snack when I got home.
The entire ride home I kept telling myself I was not as bad as I thought I was. 3500 calories over and above what my body needs to function is equal to 1 pound, and I could NOT have eaten that much more over. Yes, I was "bad". Yes, I did over-eat. And yes, as I was eating the twinkie I was questioning whether it really was necessary. My inner-Jenn said yes and emphatically took a large bite, leaving outer-Jenn no recourse but to swallow and go with it.
I debated whether or not I would try to track everything I ate. Part of me said no - it would only punish myself for things I couldn't change. I should just accept that I was on vacation, I went off track, and now I am back on. The other part of me said I should - I needed to punish myself for my weakness...rub my nose in my proverbial mess...so that I would learn from my mistakes...there is no room for weakness or failure in this journey.
That is harsh. I am human. I am allowed to make "mistakes". I'm allowed to "fall off the wagon". If a friend were in a similar position, I would tell her to be gentle with herself. A) it could have been a lot worse and she could have used Saturday - Tuesday as her "free day"; B) this is a journey - not a race. There are ups and there are downs. If you fall down, you simply pick yourself back up, brush yourself off, and continue on your way; and C) Be gentle!!! It's vacation - life is about unpredictable events, weakness, and giving in. This will not be the LAST time something like this happens. I need to accept that in life, I will be strong and I will be weak. And sometimes my strength will overcome my weakness, and sometimes my weakness will rule as a result of missing strength.
I stuck to my exercise schedule. I have never, ever, in my entire life stuck to exercise while on vacation. And I went...TWO DAYS...in a row! And I'm running 5 miles tomorrow! So, let's focus on the positives - I stuck to something physical! What an accomplishment! YAY FOR JENN!!! And, if it weren't 5pm, and over 94 degrees, I would go for another run today. In fact, I may just go for one on Friday (unplanned!). :)
I'm not weighing in until Monday. I might be up. Or, I could be down. I'm hoping for down. But, if I'm not - I will get there. It's a journey...and I'm picking myself up. I'm hoping my fall did not do too much damage - but I will recover. And I will reach my goal.
Acceptance - it's all about acceptance. And I accept that this is a journey. And I am allowed to fall, and I'm allowed to get back up and continue on...strong...and human. Because I accept me. At least, I'm trying to.
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