Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I was thinking today of all of the things that was stolen from me due to the weight I have gained over the last 13 years. I know that I have been over 200 pounds since 1997. I looked in the mirror this morning and made a mental list of how different I am now that I'm carrying this weight. I have always felt my best at 165. For many years, I was able to maintain a size 14. After I got married (my husband does all of the cooking and his father was a Chef so you can guess I EAT REAL REAL GOOD). I do not blame my weight gain on my husband, he never shoved any food in my mouth. My portion sizes were HUGH and I snacked all day long. I think I can eat as much as a man. My weight caused arguments between my husband and me. He does not mention my weight anymore because I yell at him to stop smoking and to take the peg out of his own eye before he looks at the plank in mine (I am not proud of this and I have made amends to him). Well...back to the story... I slowly and sometimes fastly started gaining weight until I got to the all time high of 234 pounds (I was 236 the day I had my daughter) at which time I noticed I could not cross my legs without holding the leg up there, my belly sat neatly on my lap, and I could not walk a flight of stairs without feeling like I needed an ambulance. Well... I have had ENOUGH and I am not giving up until I lose this weight, no matter what happens. I will pray, pray and pray. I will cry out. I will call my friends for support - by any means necessary! I will run from the break room on "cake" day. I will exercise on most days (actually I like to exercise). So here it is... my list of things the devil stole from me due to my weight.
1. At parties I compare myself to every women in the room because I feel so uncomfortable. I tell myself ... well she is thin but I'm prettier.
2. We were at the movies and I saw my husband look at another women (he did not glare at her but I knew he was attracted to her because she looked like me only a size 10.) My daughter even said she looked like me. I felt tears come to my eyes. When asked, I told my daughter the wind was bothering my eyes.
3. I don't wear shorts, short sleeve shirts, or swimsuits... period.
4. I don't wear sexy night gowns because I would not be able to stop thinking how I looked in front of my husband.
5. My husband has not seen my body in YEARS! The lights go off fast.
6. I get mad every time I have to buy new clothes. Thank God for Ross and Marshall's because I won't go into "fat" stores. It's not because I don't like the clothes it's a mental thing - if I don't go into those stores I can pretend I'm not really fat.
7. I cannot look at myself without going "Oh my God."
8. My doctor tell me every time I see him ... Kim, when are you going to lose this weight so I postpone doctor's appointments until it is absolutely necessary.
9. I HATE family gatherings. I think everyone is looking at me!
WELL... I am TAKING BACK EVERYTHING THAT THE DEVIL stole from me which is for the most part HEALTHY SELF ESTEEM!
ARE YOU WITH ME?