Sunday, June 26, 2011
It's often said that if you really want something, you will make time for it. For years I thought i really wanted to lose weight, but that was when i could fit it into my schedule somewhat easily...yea, i still had to make some adjustments, but i didn't really go all out to do it either... But lately, i am feeling that fire...wanting it worse than i have ever before... and i'm going for it... i've joined the gym and have 3 accountability partners (my ds and 2 nieces), and now my mom has joined us to push me on the weekends... i'm loving the gym... i always have, but have always had the excuse that i am too busy...and if you know me, you know i am...lol... but it's funny i have time to work because i want that money... i have time to grocery shop because i want food... i even have time to go to a movie with the family because i really want to spend time with them... the funny thing is, i really don't have the time for any of it...but i do it because i really want it... so now, i am learning that if i really really want it bad enough, i am going to have to go for it... and i have been...jumped in with both feet... now...i have to learn to do the things i have to around the things i want... but if i want it bad enough, and i do, then that is what is going to have to be done... one of those ways is i have incorporated my time with family with the gym...and actually, we are getting not only more time together, but quality time together...now, this week, i have got to learn how to get some house work done... and to actually start cooking dinner again...this may mean i will have to plan ahead for the dinners...and as for the cleaning...well... take it one step at a time...it will all fall into place, but for now, priority is losing weight...if i don't make it priority, then i will never lose weight and i my health will not improve. There are also reasons why i have to now make this a top priority... before, yes, i was busy raising babies...now those babies are raised...now it's time for me... i need this me time... because i deserve it. I also need to lose weight because of my health. i am not getting any younger, and the weight is making an impact on my joints, not too bad yet, but won't get better if i don't lose the weight. My asthma will improve if i lose the weight. If i lose the weight now while my grandbabies are still in the making, i will have more energy to be a good grandma...to do all nighters with a new born that still has his schedule mixed up, or later when they just aren't feeling good and their mommy just needs a break...and then later when they want to play play play... i am going to need all the energy i can get :) also, i want to look good...for me!!! i want to fit into normal size clothes... i want to wear healed shoes again!!
So, it's in writing, I want a new life...and because i am making it top priority, i know i can do it. No, i don't have any more time than i did before... i still have the same 24 hours that i had before...but unless i make this this priority, and work around it...then it will never happen....NOW is the time to do it...NOW is the time for me!!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
I grew up in a home where my dad was an alcoholic. Though after my mom left him, he quit drinking, cold turkey, and worked at staying sober and being the best husband and dad he could be. Though admittedly, it left some scars. Before I could fully heal from it, I got married, to an alcoholic...i know...shocker!!! lol. except this alcoholic was abusive... not so much physically (though it got close a couple times), but mentally... when my kids were still young (oldest just getting ready to go into kindergarten), we finally separated, and for the last time...at this point, i was at the lowest in my own life...i had no self worth, my esteem was non existent...and i was way past insecure...it took a lot of hard work and years before i could finally love myself and see my self worth. And on most days, insecurity isn't even in my vocabulary... I raised 3 beautiful children... 3 law abiding, productive to society children...3 children who love themselves as much as they love others...and oh how my heart jumps for joy when i see each of them rush to help someone that needs help... the girls are now married to great men...one of them pregnant with their first baby... so when my ex gets drunk, he likes to throw out how awful i am... this normally does not bother me...because those 3 kids didn't get where they are because of him... besides for the sometimes money i got from him, he wasn't in their lives that much.... a couple weeks ago, in one of his sobering up moments, he told dd2 he didn't know how i could live without a man in my life...and you know, at one time, i couldn't of... but i realized how much i didn't need one to make me whole... i was too busy raising my babies...and even now, i'm too busy with my family and getting ready to be a grandma, i can't imagine going back to "needing" a man in my life... don't get me wrong, it would be nice...but i no longer need it. So, that was my a-ha moment...so then why is it, when ex gets drunk last night and tells dd2 (that poor child always seems to be around at the worse times...lol) how they (the kids) have always looked up to me and i'm the wrong person to look up to, that they should look up to him because i can't do what he has done... ok, now in reality, and i keep telling myself this (plus each of the kids have said it when they heard what he said), that i for one, did it alone for the most part...raised all 3 to be healthy, law abiding, productive adults... i did this with more than a few bucks each month... i did this with my time, with my love and all that i had... so, why, after all these years, does it still get to me sometimes...i don't know...hormones?? and why am i writing this? because i need to see in writing that though i am not perfect, oh i made some mistakes raising my kids and myself for that matter...lol... i'm still not a bad parent...in fact, i'm not even a bad person... i also need to put it in writing that when i have problems, i look to myself first.... i don't worry about how awful my family or anyone else's family is and all their sins... i look to myself... i know his need to blame others, to bring up how awful others are, is his way of dealing with his drinking problem... and it doesn't really have anything to do with me!!! and though for the most part, i am ok...in fact darn right happy to be me... but for those days, where i do doubt it... it's here in writing... 3 wonderful kids... 3 happy adults... I did that :)
Monday, May 30, 2011
Today is Memorial day, and for many families, it's a time to get together and eat, and though I won't say that is a bad thing, i do like to eat...lol.... i wonder how many really take the time to think of what this holiday is really truly about. For me, I see the flags flying, but for me, it's not a one time or even just a couple times a year thing... I love the USA...i am proud to be an American... and i try to always remember those that have fought for it...but today i take the time to really think, to really pray and even cry a bit. My grandfather served as a Marine in WW2...and though he didn't die during that war, he did contract Maleria that would later take his life at too young of age...leaving behind a wife and 3 children, 1 of them still in high school. i was the only grandchild he got to know...my brother born just a couple days before he passed...and unfortunately, due to my brothers own health issues, he never got to even see. i think of my father who has passed though not due to military, but still he served in Vietnam while my mom was pregnant with me. i think of my dd2's husbands brother who is my ds's best friend...now serving his country. He was back this week for a family funeral and went back this past saturday... and then i think of all those that not only serve today and the ones that have served and those that have lost their lives....but i think of each family who makes a sacrifice for their loved ones to serve our country. I want to say Thank You to each of you, those that have served, those that are serving, to those that have lost their lives and to those that have gone on to tell about it and to all those families that serve with the sacrifice of their loved ones defending us, protecting us and fighting for the freedom of the USA.
Take a moment to think about our military and their families and to honor those that have lost their lived defending our country. www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRCQypnVeXA </link>
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Ok, for the last 2 weeks i have not lost any weight...in pounds at least... and though i have lost a total of 5 inches...it's still a tad bit discouraging not to see the scale go down. To be honest, i really wondered why i was trying...yes, thought about giving up. eat what i want, go back to sitting on my lazy butt...just blah!! But i keep trudging along. And then Thursday, I was watching Dr. Oz. he has been trying to help a 700 pound woman lose weight... she has been given every tool to help her and yet this last month she only lost 1 pound. So Dr Oz took her to the morgue of a hospital...and showed her the effects of fat... an enlarged heart that could no longer bear the weight of the fat of the person now deceased. then the liver, taken over not by alcohol but fat! and then the fat that surrounded the insides... if that was not an eye opener that i needed...then it was the call i got right after that segment that would... a dear friend from our church (also he was my dd2's husbands uncle) had passed away just hours before this call...from a fatal heart attack. He was overweight and diabetic with a heart condition and last year had told his doctor he was tired of trying...and it literally killed him. He will be greatly missed, and i mourn for the loss of such a wonderful man who loved everyone he came in contact with him. I also had past memories of my father passing away... from a massive heart attack...on the same day of the week (a Thursday) and about the same time of day... yea, memories were hitting me and hitting me hard... and each time i had to tell my other 2 kids, it was hitting them also...my heart i think literally bleeding from hearing their pain not only for the good friends loss, but the painful memories now slapping them in the face... as i write this, i am crying not only for the loss of the good friend, but the pain of the memory of losing my dad and the feeling the pain of each of my children. But, as much as this hurts, and it does hurt, I also realize that I can't give up on my quest to lose weight...to be healthier... i don't want that to be me... i don't want to leave my 3 dear kids and the grandbaby that is on the way... i want that grandbaby and many more to know their grandma... and not as one that was overweight and sick...but one that was right there with them playing and dancing with them... not a grandma who gave up, but one that lived life to it's fullest until she passed away of old age... i am tired of my fat being my life.... i want more... my kids deserve more... and when i am gone, i don't want them to remember the fat woman... i don't want them to mourn for what could of been...i want them to see a woman that gave her all...
I'm hurting...my heart is twisted with so many different emotions...but this isn't going to bring me down...it's shoving me try harder.
This blog is dedicated to my dad-Joe and for a good friend-Jeff. RIP to both of you.
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