Sunday, June 15, 2008
As much as i have tried to avoid this day...even make light of the day... the fact is...it's fathers day... the reminders are every where... even in my own little world where i tried to block it out... when i'm upset-i clean... plain and simple... i do my best work when i am either mad or upset... this weekend being no different...i wanted to work through this... and then last night i was cleaning out some files that were years old... and found the receipt to the graves... today i am reminded he's not here... the kids are going over to see their father...and i... might go visit the grave...he's not there...i know this... he's here with me.... he in fact reminded me of this just a few minutes ago... i have piles of papers to sort through... and only me here... no breezes... no nothing... and they fell... some of you may think i nuts...but... as tears came to my eyes.... and my heart twists... i know it was dad saying in his own way that he was right here with me... i laughed...yes...even through the tears... and told him i'm sorry, but i still missed him (he never could stand to see me cry) so... here is my note to him...
Dad, i know you don't like to see your baby girl cry... and i try to be strong as you had taught me to be...but as i sit here, i can't help but still miss you... i am glad that you are finally out of pain...that you finally get to rest... you with your heavenly father...but even that doesn't stop my missing you.... from the moment you laid eyes on me, so it has been told, i was your little girl... i remember our fishing trips...you know, the ones where i was in ruffles and lace, dressed by mom, with warnings not to let me get dirty... and everytime... you got in trouble, cause in fact i was filthy, from head to toe... i remember you teaching me to dance... i never could do the twist quite as well as you...but the music never stopped... and even during our rough times... the laughter that followed... i remember no guy was ever good enough for me..in fact dad...i knew that already... no boy could of ever measured up to you dad... i just wanted what you and mom had... a love that was always and will always be like a fairy tale to me... i rememeber you always being there...even during my teenage years when i didn't want you there... you never gave up on me...even when i gave up on myself.... i still remember the day you found out i didn't have enough food to feed myself and hadn't ate for days...how mad you got cause i didn't just ask... yea... i knew you would be there...but i didn't want to be a burden....i also remember the lesson in that... it wasn't a burden...it was me still needing daddy... dad...i know your're proud of the way i took charge of the way i've changed directions with my kds...i know you like the place i live... you can thank our dear friend for finding it... i know, if you were alive, that it would hurt you to see me struggling though...and you would be there with money, or even a place to come back to.... but dad... it was also time for me to grow up... i needed to learn to take care of us... yea..it's been hard...but dad... you taught me to face each day with humor...and keep on keeping on.... so yea dad.... even through my tears...through the pain of missing you... i do see you in everything...i do hear your voice.... and yea...i can still laugh at things that i know came from you...like papers falling for no reason....dad... i miss you... and i love you...i just wish i could thank you for all that you had and still continue to teach me....
My Little Girl by Tim McGraw: www.youtube.com/watch?v=9I5UV4VWCSk
Sunday, June 15, 2008
These past few weeks has done it's number on me..gee...don't know why?? lol... and this last week...wow...i didn't excercise...i didn't eat nearly half way right... the only thing i did do was drink my water... and i did good on staying away from the pop...so not all my bad habits came back...lol... but it is time to refocus and get back in the game..i was lucky... i didn't gain any weight...so i'm catching it now before my body catches on... i'm also going to try to blog daily... to include things that i have been doing (except this past week of course) in the teams..that is by listing one postive for the day, 3 things to be happy about and 5 good things i have done that day.
Todays positive is: I am superwoman..uh..kitty...hear me roar.
Todays 3 things to be happy about: The sun is out, i will be kid free for a couple hours today, and my closet is clean :)
and the 5 good things i did today..ok..since it's still early, i will do what i did yesterday. I got the dishes all done, i got my closet decluttered, i got a nap, i got my nails done, spent some quality time with the kids and niece.
my theme song for today is going to be: www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjjjFvVxHWM
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Every once in a while, my teenagers will amaze me with just pure stupidity.... last night, when one of my dear teenagers asked me why i was so tired and only getting 4 hours sleep???? ok... let's figure this out.... i worked 16 hour days... that left me with 8 more.... substract 1 hour drive time.... now substract 1 hour cooking and cleaning and making breakfast, lunch and dinner for myself at work...subtract the 1 hour a day it takes to get ready for said job...like shower...getting dressed, the hair... brush teeth... that left me with 5 hours.... to which the teenager asks... so you could of got 5 hours sleep... huh??? sooo why didn't i think of that... lol..ok... i realize that teenagers are sooo much different from adults... they probably could just fall asleep on a moments notice...i of coruse...cannot... so maybe i should should just set up a bed at work and save the drive time....they only have a microwave...so that saves even more time not cooking...heck...i could take a quick nap as the meal is cooking even... forget about getting ready...who needs a shower?? or even brushing their teeth or their hair?? yea... that will give me some more time to sleep... and think of it...after a couple days...i'll look and smell so bad..that they will probably send me home...lol....
the next teenager question was...mom...why are you so cranky? cranky... Cranky...CRANKY... ok...let's see here... we've done the math on why i can only get 4 hours sleep a night for the past week... now let's move on to the other area's...my job on good days, is stressful... most of the time, a good stress....just enough to keep the heart pumping and get the adreline going... but this week was not one of those good stressors... we were all working long hours...we were all cranky just from the sheer lack of sleep and the stress related to said job....(by the way, my kids have been to work with me before and know the stress it entails) so then i come home, and i have 3 wonderful teenagers that have done nothing but cook for themselves and ate it... oh...and watched tv.... and i think they have done their own laundry... cause i'm seeing a puddle of tide in the middle of the floor...of course, that came with a question from the son of why i had not cleaned it up gee...i'll get right on that... as soon as i can see straight enough to see how big the puddle really is... hello kids!!!! you are on summer break...so no school... only 1 of the 3 has a job...and it's part time... 4 hours 3-4 days a week... none of them drive...so no requirements to do any errands like grocery shopping, going to the post office or anything like that... there are presently 3 full trash bags needing takin out... that i have filled when "i" have cleaned this week... i'm tellin ya...it looks like a robber and a tornado went through here and forgot to take anything.... and let's not forget the calls i get from said teenagers asking if they can do this, if they can do that, and when can i come get them so they can do it.... and sibling 1 through 3 is irritating the other 2 to no end and can't i make them stop??? and let's not forget the night DD2 got into fight with her b/f and woke me up yelling at him..gee...i don't know why i am soooo cranky..... i'm thinking.... maybe i should ground myself....to my room.... in fact... take away all my phone priveledges...oh and the car priveledges... yea...i think that is exactly what needs to be done to teach me a lesson...tehe....
see...i guess i just needed these questions of life to figure it all out... unfortunately... at work, we have already discussed the options of just bringing our bed stuff with us so we could just catch naps in between crisis's...and decided..that would not be a good idea after all... cause the first time Mr Temper woke me up with one of his tantrums would be the last time he ever threw a tantrum...this kitty doesn't think first upon waking up...lol... and somehow, i don't think he is smart enough to bring me a cup of coffee before throwing his tantrum...unlike my teenagers who are that smart... at least...in that regard... as for the grounding...i would only punish myself by being cooped up in this mess of a home with the teenagers that have brought such thought provoking questions...lol...so... on to the next solution... run away to a paradise inland maybe???
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