Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I've heard this a million times. From my best friends, my family, my boyfriends, wanna-be-boyfriends, co-workers. What do they see when they look at me? A girl, standing proud at 5'7", milk chocolate complexion, "nice eyes", full lips, small waist, full hips, thick thighs - then turn me around and BAM! Completely bootylicious. I can't count how many times I've been hit on, offered a spot in a music vid, pix to be taken.
Underwear and tight, well-fitting jeans; that red light, that blue light, all of those are wonderful tools of deception. Those that have the opportunity to see me without those tools are the ones that see the truth. Dim lighting is my best friend. Don't flick it on, the fantasy may be ruined, as magically appears the flabby thighs, droopy buttocks, wobbly arms, chubby stomach. My body is soft...am I still so sexy?
Body image distortion? No! Not even! It's the truth that stares me in the face when I look in the mirror.
"You shouldn't lose weight, you look better with weight on". "Your lips will look too big". Lol! And i've believed it all these years. For the most part i've settled with how my body is. I tend to be a people pleaser. And if this is what they say looks good, why should I change?
I just hit the Big 3-0, and now I see why. Knee injury at age 8 is catching up with me, Dr. tells me i need to strengthen them. Home from work, elevators to my apartment are all taking super long - and I need to potty! The only thing to do is to run up those 7 flights of stairs....when I get to the top, I may pass out from exhaustion. I'm sitting at my desk at work, and my back is killing me (not to mention, the pouch of fat of my lower tummy needs to be tucked back into my jeans). I'm running to catch the train, but whoa! I need to slow down...my booty is jiggling so much it hurts! And God give me the strength to get through the day. I have no energy at all, and I may fall asleep here at work before the 11am meeting. Did I mention the history of diabetes in my family?
Is that the way I should live, so that I can LOOK "sexy"? I mean, if I can keep my nice booty size, but change it into muscle, I'd be even happier, but is that possible?????
I love 'em all for their compliments. A girl loves to hear those things! But I prefer to live in reality. And the reality is, I need to make a lifestyle change. I need to extend my life by a number of years (hey, I have a son to live for), and I need to lose the fat so that I see these muscles I'm trying to build, get this metabolism of mine ramped up, and relieve some stress. How else am I supposed to do this without changing my eating habits and exercise? I can't help but to lose weight in the process, so don't frown upon me for losing some of my "phat". To me, a toned, fit body is sexy!
Maybe next year, I will be able to accept that offer to be in a music video or take those pics to promote a party, because i'll have the confidence to do so, the energy to get up and actually do it, and I'll feel sooo much better knowing that they won't have the hassle of excessive airbrushing!