Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Sometimes, for no reason at all, I hate myself. I start out hating specific things about my current situation, then try to get myself out of the funk by reminding myself that very soon this will all be behind me. Then I remember that no matter where I go, I'll be there, I will be bringing my same stupid self with me and I am just bawling now because after this past year my body and most of my personality, we thought we were on the same team now, after the hives, the meds, the weight loss, I feel like I'm betraying myself by saying yeah my new job/house/gym might be great but stupid me will be there to f it all up. I thought we were together and I could trust myself to do my best at work and stay faithful to my body (by taking care of it and treasuring it) too.
I just want to cry myself to sleep. To my body, I am so sorry that I even thought for a second about cutting or even doing a ridiculously painfully rough job shaving my legs, to punish myself even though you're great and we've been working so well together. Im so sorry...
Wednesday, September 03, 2014
...when I feel it 24-36 hours later, and I'm like, "Oh hello muscles, I'm sorry I didn't notice you there before!" I mean I did but it is one thing to know that there are various muscles in the back and another to be able to experience that a specific one or two of those muscles is activated.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
I got up at 330 this morning and did an hour of push-ups, lunges, sumo squats, and planks at home because the fitness center doesn't open early enough for me to get my whole weights workout in and get home and cleaned up in time to catch my flight with Mom. It's hard to say for sure because we have done a lot of walking around town today, but I think that the moves I tried out this morning were pretty great! My hamstrings in particular are 💥 (in a good way)! My inner thighs are still 💥 from the modified abductor thing I did Monday afternoon...partly standing up, about 3-4 cm (well that was the goal) above the seat rather than having my butt right on the seat. (Although my knees hurt like hell, and NOT in a good way, as soon as I left the machine, so not sure if I will try that again.)
I'm so proud of my mom for hiking with me for over 7 miles just since we got into town, especially since there were a few tense moments when I didnt get what was up with the google walking maps/directions.
Friday, August 15, 2014
I am starting a new job in November, and I am so excited and have worked so hard to get there, but...I am sad/anxious about not finding TurboKick classes yet. I do it twice a week and I have a blast but also I love how it makes me feel. I have really challenged myself to build up to using 1- and 2-lb hand weights throughout the workout, and doing the high-impact options (like power jacks and tuck jumps) and I don't want to lose that progress. I just love it so much. When I started in 2011 I actually cried out of frustration in the shower after a couple classes because I felt like I was completely lost and disoriented, I didn't get the moves so I couldn't keep up and I felt like I was getting nothing out of it. I feel like it has transformed me, not just physically but mentally as well, because I was able to deliberately stop my panic and frustration and take it slow, learning to do the moves properly and just accepting that for a while, it wasn't going to be a crazy cardio workout but that the time was well-spent because I'd be able to really do great once I had the basic moves down. That's exactly what happened, too. And I gave myself permission to screw up and keep going...so I kick with the wrong foot first, doesn't matter I am going to focus on the present instead of berating myself for my mistake. I have even learned to laugh at my missteps, which was something I never ever did before because I felt so ashamed and frustrated about my clumsiness. IE it wasn't funny because it was something really "bad" about me. And funny thing...almost as soon as I gave myself permission to mess up without punishing myself for it, I started "getting" the moves and the rhythm.
I guess I am anxious too about the unkown; everything here is very much a more or less comfortable routine, eg i know what time Turbo is and what I have to do to make it there, and that helps me feel grounded and ok.
Saturday, July 05, 2014
"before" = at the hotel as I was leaving to central park.
"after" = mid-run, by a lake
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