Friday, October 17, 2014
I wanted to add to my previous entry, I found the idea for squatting here: http://hunyuantherapy.wordpress.com/2014/0
Right now I can do ten minutes a day, in one- or two-minute blocks. My hip/lower back pain has improved a lot over the past couple days! I had an epiphany while I was at the therapist today...I was sitting with my legs crossed, and I started to notice my hip (I'm calling it my hip but that's probably not exactly the right term; it is the general area of my upper thigh and includes my low low back) starting to hurt. I swear it never freakin occurred to me before, but it dawned on me that MAYBE the problem isn't my muscles but the position I was forcing them into. "Sitting like a lady," as my grandma used to call it, isn't necessarily a functional thing. It's not like walking or running, which are clearly useful activities that our bodies were made to do, where if I have pain while doing them, I want to train my muscles or whatever to do it better and without the bad type of pain. So why bother? Why NOT listen to my body when it says "yes" to all the good stuff like running, kickboxing, walking to work and "NOPE!" to sitting with my legs crossed? Maybe there's nothing wrong with my body; maybe there's something "wrong" with forcing it to sit that way.
Just some thoughts...probably obvious, but a little epiphany for me.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Is inner-thigh squat stretch, sometimes called yoga, goddess, or Asian squats. I'm trying to train myself to use that as my resting position instead of sitting at a desk or on the floor or sprawling out while I read or type.i can only hold it for abouta minute at a time at the moment but I will build up!
Friday, October 03, 2014
Lots of work drama this week but I refuse to let it make me feel anxious or guilty even for tonight. I have worked so hard to come this far and there is no reason that anyone, even my adviser, can take that from me. And it is not going to poison my fun day with Mom tomorrow, or my dad's birthday party on Sunday. No freakin way. My mom just quit one of her jobs so this is her first weekend truly and completely OFF in years, so we are gonna have a great time hanging out and relaxing tomorrow. "Adviser" (go ahead and picture me making giant sarcastic air quotes when I say that by the way) doesn't get to steal that from us.
She can't hold me back so failing that she is trying to make it as miserable as possible for me, but, oops, I don't play that game anymore. The funny thing about never rewarding your employees/students is (and as a behavioral scientist one would think she'd know this?) that when you teach people that no matter what they do, they can't please you...you lose the power to control their behavior. IE when I literally made myself sick working for her and it still wasn't good enough, I learned that it isn't worth it to try to earn her approval cuz I ain't never gonna get it. And when I see that she treats other students, who are even smarter and harder-working than I am, like dirt? It really reaffirms that the problem isn't ME. I hope she keeps her BS up right until and including the committee meeting after my defense, because it only makes her look worse. I hope she asks me "what's your stink about" again, but this time in front of other faculty (aka her peers) so that they can see how she treats adults who voice their concerns to her (upon being directly asked to do so). Please lady, show the world who you are. I'm not afraid to show them who I am.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Sometimes, for no reason at all, I hate myself. I start out hating specific things about my current situation, then try to get myself out of the funk by reminding myself that very soon this will all be behind me. Then I remember that no matter where I go, I'll be there, I will be bringing my same stupid self with me and I am just bawling now because after this past year my body and most of my personality, we thought we were on the same team now, after the hives, the meds, the weight loss, I feel like I'm betraying myself by saying yeah my new job/house/gym might be great but stupid me will be there to f it all up. I thought we were together and I could trust myself to do my best at work and stay faithful to my body (by taking care of it and treasuring it) too.
I just want to cry myself to sleep. To my body, I am so sorry that I even thought for a second about cutting or even doing a ridiculously painfully rough job shaving my legs, to punish myself even though you're great and we've been working so well together. Im so sorry...
Wednesday, September 03, 2014
...when I feel it 24-36 hours later, and I'm like, "Oh hello muscles, I'm sorry I didn't notice you there before!" I mean I did but it is one thing to know that there are various muscles in the back and another to be able to experience that a specific one or two of those muscles is activated.
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