PJH2028   18,627
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PJH2028's Recent Blog Entries

Goldilocks? (Another note - on boobs, and closets, and change)

Friday, March 04, 2011

So I've been wearing the wrong size bra for my whole life. Yep.
(We've heard this before ... on Oprah, and BL, and What Not To Wear).

And I lost 30-40 lbs since I bought most of them in my drawer. Back size WAY off -- too big.Cup size WAY off -- too small. ??

Goldilocks? Who knew. The lady at MY INTIMACY bra store, that's who. I was way vulnerable to the Aha moment and spent too much money there -- Nordstroms has wider selection in this new very odd size and at wider range of prices. Still, it was a good transition experience... for me. The girls look so different in the new bras. And with the new bras on.... VOILA I have a plane of midsection not curtained by boobage!! And the weight of the girls is held by the backstrap and not my shoulder. Pendular is as pendular does? Oh my! It's an experience... partly also because it means being more body aware... it means paying more attention to my figure... it means loveing my body and being less unconscious about covering it and decorating it. Miles I've come! And miles to go?

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My bgf of many years, who knows me oh so well, reminded me yesterday evening that "You generally have difficulty with Change, Paula". It's true. I create stability -- I've made a profession of it... especially with "creative" people for whom FLUX and Change is so critical to their ongoing nurture. It's an interesting subject. And for me I believe there is more to discover in the ironies.

Giving up Clothing - even if I''m happy that it's too big -- triggers something deep inside.
I also realized that it has very much to do with How VERY difficult it was, for most of my life -- childhood on -- to find clothes that fit, and if they fit that I liked. The 'ptsd' of those experiences hasn't entirely worn off, even now that the choices for BBW's have become so vast by comparison.

So it's a weening process. An unfolding. A something something something...
to be continued and discovered and, yes, celebrated.

Yeah. That last blog was way too long. So I'm stopping here.
The only left to mention is

Plateau and scalestuckness is definitely f-ing with my peace and direction. I'm outsmarting temptation and frustration partly by declaring it. Now here too.

I love you my dear Spark Friends.
THANK YOU for All You Are and All you say and do.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CSMARTIE 3/22/2011 6:06PM

    I had that same problem with the bra thing and I'm in a new size - I think I may even need a smaller strap :)

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BIGMAMAT 3/5/2011 8:29PM

    Ok Paula, You completely killed me with this blog! emoticon

"VOILA I have a plane of midsection not curtained by boobage!"

This my dear is the best line since the begining of time!Hahahahaha. still laughing.

Comment edited on: 3/5/2011 8:30:02 PM

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KAKIPOPUP 3/5/2011 5:06AM

    I see a major Non-Scale Victory (NSV) in this blog - they are what keep me going when the scale is not co-operating!

Keep up the good work - there is nothing like a well-fitting bra -which reminds me...I need to do something about that -

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    Don't let the stupid scale get you down!! When I lost a bunch of weight in the past I got stuck for about 3 months hovering within the same 5lb up and down, but went down 2 pant sizes. Clearly scales are evil and misinformed.

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I have been here before, but this is to be different (Alice ... & the closet)

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Hello my friends. And, really, hello Me. Good morning. A new day. The sun rose so beautifully red pink in only one corner behind some trees at first and then spread the color like watercolor infusing gray clouds upward and upward. So very beautiful.

Smelling the coffee. Drinking the coffee. This is a check-in. I have no idea what title this blog will eventually have.

Joe's daughter is getting married Memorial Weekend. The groom and groomsmen, and some portion of the guests, will be donning kilts and prince charlie jackets. It is an evening wedding, and so we can all safely assume that it will be formal dress. They are great young people that I am only beginning to get to know -- as we see them only a day here and there as they travel from their lives teaching middle school in Washington DC and coming back to the midwest for holidays and the like. So... I'm looking forward to the event, whole heartedly and happily.

Now... here is a segue. In order to honor my enthusiasm for the authenticity and specialness of the upcoming wedding events... I am wanting to get the What Will I Wear / What Will We Wear processed and settled as much in advance as possible. I'm sure and I know that all people have advance concerns over attire fashion etc in anticipation of a wedding like this... AND I'm also sure that overweight people have additional concerns.

It is BOTH layers of this that I am experiencing. And the ALICE IN WONDERLAND history (getting bigger and getting smaller) that I think has me feeling and acting, here and there in unexpected ways, with caution or tremulation or enthusiasm or GOSH, I DON"T KNOW.

I don't know how to explain the contradictions of my feelings as I sort through my closet... partly for seasonal concerns (as I do every year) and Now also for Sizing Concerns.
In many weight losses of the past (and the point I believe IS that there have been many in the past - I have been here before ) -- In many of past weight losses, the 'getting smaller' and having clothes be too big has been exciting. So too, the trying on of saved smaller sizes has been an exercise in motivation and celebration. There is this these days, too. BUT this time ...

It took me over a decade to grow the closet of clothes that have sustained me these past many years of my adulthood, my prime. In the course of that time I learned self-acceptance and self-love, I learned from friends about how to enjoy shopping (and let go of the 'even at my size' critque). In my current closet are many styles and sizes within 18-22 range. I've been to a number of weddings in the past 20 years... to most of them I splurged on Eileen Fisher A-line dresses where the neckline, color and fabric quality would be perceived as beautiful and minimize attention from the cut and shape and mass... would be flattering. I spent a lot of money on this closet.

And I learned how to MAINTAIN my weight (something that when I was a kid through post-college I could not do). I maintained my weight range for many years. That allowed me to grow this closet. It allowed me to feel stable and identified in my body.

It allowed me to feel stable and identified in my body, even as I was not objectively healthy or satisfied with my body... I accepted myself even as I tried periodically to lose weight. I was serially unsuccessful at losing weight during these years... no more than ten pounds came off until I lapsed back into set-point behaviors and back to maintain mode.

So what am I saying? After so many years of alice in wonderland not being identified with my body, my frame... for 10-20 years I found identification and wholeness in a body that was size 18-20. And THEN.... July of last year I found SPARK and something CLICKED.

SPARK tools and SPARK friendship... and my maturity.. and the daily love and support of a partner have come together to make changing size downward a Good Thing. A desired thing.

I am getting smaller.... and exploring the many emotions of what that feels like to me.

I celebrate the new lythe feelings at the gym, as my strides become more comfortable and the activity becomes more enoyable.

I notice how differently it feels to be hugging and embracing, how much closer we are, bones and skin.

How the taking off of "bubble-wrap" exposes some fragility. And how that in turn makes me wonder about how strength training and duration and inhabitance of my body may expand my experience about fragility and stability in a smaller frame.


Upshot. Today. I gave away a huge bag of jeans and slacks to a girlfriend who gained weight this year. It was really hard to do that. I feel very strongly a desire to go to The Container Store and purchase a new plastic tub to be devoted to the clothes that Now no longer fit -- retiring them to storage instead of retiring them to goodwill or consignment.

Storage vs Consignment - Re-gifting (this is a good possible title for this blog)

And what about TAILORING? What if anything is worth being altered?
And what does any of this have to do with finding something to wear for the May wedding?

I've gone on too long here. I'm going to stop for now.
Even if no one reads this, I will say out loud and on the virtual page here that this topic, for me, needs to be processed more. And so I commit to that. I will write more about this. I may do it on blogs here. We'll see.

I know that many of my spark friends will have wisdom and shared experience on this topic.
I know this topic is rich and ripe for many.

It took me many years and much inner work to cultivate the deep self acceptance of my self regardless of size.

Somehow the changing of size is challenging some of that work, and I don't understand how or in what ways. So I proclaim that I LOOK FORWARD to discovering that, with all my being, as centered as possible in my soul. "It's a mystery" (said the head player in Shakespeare in Love)


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAKIPOPUP 3/5/2011 5:10AM

    Thank you for this blog - you have verbalized some of my own feelings that I didn't have the words for -

There's nothing like a wedding for raising the big questions, though -

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GOGOMAMA 3/3/2011 10:53AM

    I enjoyed reading your blog as you process some of these inner thoughts that both plague and intrigue! I've heard others talk about the vulnerability felt when shedding pounds - layers of protection possibly. I praise your desire to explore these feelings and most of all acknowledge them in order to let go and continue onward and downward! I think it's great that you take time to process what the layers represented for you and why you don't need that protection anymore - you already mentioned some of these in your blog! Congratulations you are on your way to healing, not just looking fabulous!

I can relate to your struggle with what to do with your bigger clothes and I love the regifting! I have been doing some of this and it feels good to help others!

Blessings to you as you figure out what you want to wear to the wedding and the deeper meanings associated with identity and inner work! emoticon

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Something's gotta give? (Plateau Busters Needed)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

DAILY CALORIE DIFFERENTIAL OVER TIME should prognosticate weight loss!

**Spark assigned BMR 1877; equation (calories In minus exercise calories out) EQUALS**

Mon 2/21 - 693
Sun 2/20 -905
Sat 2/19 - 50
Fri 2/18 - 726
Thu 2/17 - 200
Wed 2/16 - 757
Tues 2/15 - 745
Mon 2/14 - 585
Sun 2/13 +557
Sat 2/12 - 308
Fri 2/11 +300
Thu 2/10 - 900
Wed 2/9 - 578
Tues 2/8 - 410

Two Week Total -6857

-6857 is NOT QUITE ENOUGH FOR 2 lbs (would need 7000 for that)
It's well over enough for 1 lb!
So………………what gives????

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 2/28/2011 2:07PM

    We'll figure this out!! Hang in there! I wish I had some tips but I'm struggling with this too! Keep going no matter what and you will see results! Even if they are slower than you hope, you will eventually figure out what works for you!

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MORRIS1989 2/27/2011 6:51PM

    emoticon Just keep exercising and don't give up. I know its hard to work so hard and to see no results. Maybe you should change your workouts try something different. emoticon

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KAKIPOPUP 2/22/2011 4:20PM

    The author of the Hacker's Diet points out that the body is not a machine and the only way to know how your calories are balancing is to track your weight over time on a very reliable scale....there are just too many variables to account for -

One way to approximate his method for tracking weight is to weigh yourself daily but only pay attention to the weekly average (the sum of your daily weights divided by 7 [if you weighed each day]) -- if the average drops from week to week, you have created a calorie deficit (regardless of the calories you consume or burn).

Good luck - it is very discouraging to work so hard and not see the results you want -


Hang in there - emoticon

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PHEFEY 2/22/2011 8:49AM

    To have a completely accurate BMR, you should see your doctor for a series of tests. Any BMR calculated on a website or from an equation is going to be a guess. Also, there are factors like water weight, the types of foods you are eating (not all calories are created equal), and the calories you are actually burning (do you use a heart rate monitor-because anything else is also a guess). It is very complicated, but hang in there. You can succeed. You might want to worry less about the numbers and figure out what works for your body.

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On the hunt.... bending twigs along the way... and a Julian Michaels quote

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Yep. I'm SO proud of what I've accomplished so far (with determination, attainable goals and expectations, terrific tools, and the support of such wonderful friends).

Yep. I am somewhere between "a bit frustrated" and simply knowing that it's time to "-er" what I am doing. Stepping something up or tweaking something is the way to not "coast", to not maintain a status quo.

My fitness level is higher (Hooray!). I feel it in my body and I see it in my heart rate.
I'm in my third consecutive weight plateau. The scale is moving slower than I'd like it to.
I would like to lose 1# a week or 4# month. And I'm now behind that target.

So.... How to push... but not too hard... or too much all at once...
I'm on the hunt for my next authentic re-set of my expectations for my weekly committment to that goal. EAT LESS MOVE MORE. And change things up so the body stays responsive.

Today I browsed Julian Michaels. Library book. (Library borrowing is the only way to go!)
Jillian says:

"To lose a pound, you must burn 3,500 calories. As I've said before, it's all about the math — how to burn more calories in the most effective way.

You can only do so much resistance training without damaging your muscles and impeding your results. Additionally, you can't starve the weight off: If you eat fewer than 1,200 calories a day, you will sabotage your optimal results. Therefore, cardio is weight loss extra credit. It allows you to burn additional calories without overtraining. This is one of the reasons some Biggest Loser players can still lose 20 pounds a week, even 7 weeks into the program.

Think about the math: If you are eating 1,500 calories a day — we assume your BMR without exercise is 1,600 (this is actually my BMR) — and you do two 1-hour cardio sessions that burn 500 calories each (one in the morning and one at night), the two sessions, along with your regular daily activity, will speed up your base metabolism to at least 2,000. As a result, you will have burned about 1,500 calories that day — that is, almost half a pound. At that rate you will be losing up to 3.5 pounds a week. That said, you are bound to lose more weight during the first two weeks of any weight loss regimen because of the dramatic change in your diet and the loss of excess fluid. After that, it's all about crunching the numbers, and cardio is the key. "


So: a) She recommends TWO 1 hour sessions of cardio a day (5x week) in order to lose 2-3#'s a week. Wow. That's a lot.

b) More activity raises your AMR and helps tip the math in your favor. THIS is exciting to me.

I've been eating 1400-1800 calories a day. And going down to 1200-1600 scares the crap out of me right now. Well, perhaps that's an overstatement. I'm not so much "scared" as wary. And what I really mean is that I LOVE MY FOOD and I'd rather exercise more than give up too many of my current menu habits. My AMR could use some raising.

I'm going to be tweaking this. I'm not ready to state/fix/declare a new routine. But I AM going to experiment. I am going to let myself be surprised by results.

Hopefully I'll get some!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 2/28/2011 2:04PM

    Thanks for highlighting this for me! It makes sense and I think it's time I bumped up my workouts a bit, and shuffled some things around so I can break through my perpetual plateau! Best wishes with this!

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1_AMAZING_WOMAN 2/25/2011 12:55PM

    I rotate my calories and carbs, but do it in such a way that I (average) about 1250 calories a day. Most days I do about 950, then one day I do 1350-1550, and one day I do 1800. I do it this way cause staying at the same calorie level all the time will give you a plateau cause your body adjusts to having the same level of calories all the time. Same with exercise. Your body adjusts to doing the same exercise all the time and will no longer respond in any great measure. So, instead of varying your types of exercise all week (which means your body adjusts to the variation and no longer responds a lot) it is best to do one type of exercise for your (aerobic) exercise for a week or so, then switch to a different type for a week or so. And, 2 or 3 times a week throw in some weight training, but every week or so change that up too. As long as you are changing things periodically this will keep your body from getting used to just one thing and your body will change a lot faster.

You could also - if you wish - stick to the same calorie level for a week or so, and then change it up, but for me I have found that my body too quickly downshifts my metabolism if I do that, so the twice a week 'bump' in calories keeps my metabolism from slowing down.

I am hoping by using these pointers I can keep my weight loss humming along smoothly, without plateaus. I hope the pointers can help you too.


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MORRIS1989 2/20/2011 6:53PM

    I agree I am glad you broke it down too. Take care! Best Wishes! emoticon

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YANSKA 2/20/2011 10:35AM

    Great blog. Thank you for breaking it down for me. :) Two days a week I work out twice a day, both for an hour, and three days a week I work out for one hour a day. I think it's time to bump up to five days a week with doubled-up workouts. Thanks for the inspiration!
I wish you a swift break-out from your plateau!

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yes we ARE doin' this

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

For real... in perfect step, in whatever time, "there the dance is"....
Grateful for spark tools! Grateful for Spark Friends.....
Here we are and Here we go --

HiHo-hihoing ! Huffing and Puffing ;-))))

Onward & Downward
.... inward and outward and toward and forward

with discovery and love

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 2/17/2011 1:33PM

    I love this!!!! Very inspirational!! WE are doing this!! emoticon

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MORRIS1989 2/16/2011 7:32PM

    I liked your blog we can do it!!

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CITRUSPINE 2/16/2011 6:10PM

    Great blog! Nice pictures! Yes, "A picture is worth a 1000 words!" Thanks

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BKNITNWW 2/16/2011 5:56PM

    Thanks for sharing these with us. It's amazing how just one picture can really hit you when you really need it. Thanks!!!

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