PJH2028   18,695
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When the going gets...........

Saturday, January 08, 2011

I've had a tough few days. Not in the worldly way, but with myself and with my food plan. I don't know what it is... but things leap to mind as volunteer possibilities. Like, hmmm:
1) 199.8 on new years day ... a celebration but not feeling safe
2) made it through holidays on point... but then the afterwaves of cravings more difficult
3) I have been "hungry" ier a lot more often. the tummy kind and the other kind.
4) it's just how it is... Sometimes it is "easy", there's a rhythm and a flow to staying on track and within my goal guidelines.. and that's how it's been for weeks and weeks.

So... hey... I'm crestfallen at the loss of that ease (Big whoop, eh). Get over it, I tell myself gently today. Sometimes it's not easy. And that's when we (meaning me) dig to our tools. Yeah, remember P, TOOLS.

So-- Now that I've had my afternoon snack two hours early.... I've got my collage envelope out.... Perhaps its high time for some new motivators, a re-grouping, a checking in, a rallying of friends and foibles.

My body hurts from my 60 minute workouts on the elliptical. Maybe new shoes will help. Or insoles. Or maybe a more varied workout. Yeah... I need to vary what I'm doing... but so far the classes at my club don't work for me.

Any body got a great toning firming video they love. Mat work and small weights or bands?
I'd love to hear about it.

Thanks for stopping by and reading this.
This is a reaching out I guess. But mostly a bookmark for my self.
I hear you P. Now, Let's do this!!!!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 1/9/2011 9:09AM

    Ok, I just got the update on how your doing! emoticon

60 minutes on the elliptical is amazing! emoticon

That Leslie Sansone 3 mile express uses the bands some. Might be what your looking for.
Keep up the good work!! emoticon

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ONEderland! (moving stones, part 2!!!)

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Hooray!!! With your feedback and encouragement I am 'taking' that New Years Day weight in at 199.8 as attainment in onederland. And I celebrated!!! Especially sweet with you.. and with Joe.... and, indeed, with myself. emoticon

I soaked it in, even (as the previous blog suggests) if/that I won't feel solidly arrived until a few more clicks down the 9's. BUT.... I did soak it in... put on my new pants (down two sizes) and am ready to move on!!

Yes, T.... "Onward and Downward!!!"

In 2010, I lost about 35 lbs, 23 with Spark! I made it to ONEderland just in time for New Years! I dropped from too-tight jeans size 20/22... to new jeans size 18P. I went from dragging my self to the gym maybe 3x a week for 30minutes.... to looking forward to the gym 60minutes 4-6x week. And.... FEELING GOOD. And looking to set a new goal with my MOVING STONES visualization (which I LOVE LOVE LOVE).

My new goal (the number that means something, demarcates something I understand in sense memory) is 175#. That means I am going to move the 25 stones in the littlest middle container.

(In the goblet are stones (1 each representing lbs lost); In the little cup are lbs to lose in the current Goal; and in the jar are remaining stones in bigger picture).

I care more about the getting there than the when. So... here we go!!! 2011!!!
Me myself and I.... and ALL OF YOU!! We can do this!!! We are doing this!!!

Congratulations to me and to all of you on all we've accomplished so far.
And here's to a sparktastic new year and all that it brings.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 1/5/2011 10:18PM

    Yeah for you!!! That's a lot of success right there!! Way to go! You are amazing and know you will keep kicking it up to reach your goals!

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BIGMAMAT 1/5/2011 7:26PM

    Love the stone movin going on at your house beautiful!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Congratulations and way to go!!!!! I decared my 199.6 when I arrived with pride!!!! So proud of you sweetie! xoxoxoxo

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MAIA2011 1/4/2011 6:16PM


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SAMZA83 1/4/2011 5:16PM

    Hitting the '1''s is awesome! And what an interesting idea you have with the stones there it's an interesting way to conceptualise your weightloss :)

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TURTLETALK 1/4/2011 3:28PM

    Congratulations on Onederland! I hit mine just before Chrismas and I still gasp everytime I step on the scale and see a "1" as the first number. emoticon

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New Year!! Onederful (unofficial) announcement

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Yep! It's New Year's Day 2011... and I asked for Onederland, I intended it, I sparked it!

(albeit, I think, very very unofficial)

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Red toes to match my lovely red scale.

I say unofficial because... as happened once a week or so ago... the scale said 198.7 in one spot on the wood floor, 199something in another and 200 on another. OUIJI BOARD..Ouiji board...uh-huh. But, you know what? -- I'm all IN for that -- all of it -- I 'get it'!
It's a number. And it does mean something -- it represents something anyway -- whether it's a lot or a little....

In any case, I'm delighted, and I post this photo today (for me and for you)-- NEW YEAR'S DAY -- my sparked and stated Goal for all to see! Unofficial photo not finish.

Keep on Sparking!
Happy New Year!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BTINTERNET 1/5/2011 7:42PM

    Woohoo! Congrats dear!!!

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MAIA2011 1/4/2011 3:19PM


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GOGOMAMA 1/4/2011 12:47PM

    Congratulations!!! How exciting and I love your red toenails!!! Way to go and get it!! I want to get there soon too!!!

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AELNYANA 1/3/2011 10:11AM

    Hey, there!
Thanks so much for leaving your positive comment on my Spark page and CONGRATULATIONS on this marvelous news!! You are doing so well. Much better than me, I think. My loss is slooow (but steady). Enjoy your happy new year!!

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LILLYPILLY24 1/2/2011 9:37AM

    Take it! Take it!! Congratulations!

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LOOZINITNOW 1/1/2011 5:15PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RIGBY31 1/1/2011 1:40PM

    Good for you!!!!!

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SHIPESTA 1/1/2011 1:00PM

    awesome! Such a great feeling to hit onderland. I'm proud of you! May this new year bring you continued success!

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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Gaps. I guess that's as good a title as any.
I am writing this here because I have no one else to say this to. And I have that swollen emotion feeling that is connecting to thoughts and I want to disspell it so it does not clog my world.

I love my sister. Just hung up the phone with her. I adore her is more like the truth.
AND.... there has grown a gap between us over time that I don't understand.... Is it real? Is it perception? In either case, how can the gap be lived with and/or altered?

What is the nature of the gap?
Today the feeling that has water pushing at my eyeballs is the gap of experience. And, in my mind, it is the difference that she is a Mom and I am not. I don't have children for her and my niece to visit. I don't have children to create cousins with... or share our mother's table with to create a collection of grandchildren. No. Long ago I wanted that for my life. Long ago I elaborately imagined how much fun that would be... what that future would be like for Laura (my beloved sister) and Me. How that would expand our relationship as we evolved into our lives in and over time.

Well.... We don't have that. And we are still deeply bonded and deeply friended.

But on days like today... I feel the loss... of that other possible future... the one that didn't happen.

Today Laura and Bianca are visiting my brother and his family (30 miles from here). They flew in from California where they were visiting Bianca's Dad's family... and are stopping in Chicago for a few days before returning home to Athens, GA.

My brother David has two great sons. He has a wife who never liked me and vice versa... or perhaps it was consecutive horrible missteps and misccommunications/injuries over time....
and with whom over time a wedge grew so large that it created an impasse. My brother and I have no relation whatsoever. Yes. That's what I wrote and said. And, no, that is not what choked up my feelings today... except for the fact that that complicates further the GAP between me and my sister.

Anyway.... I'm DELIGHTED to hear that Bianca and Adam and Ryan are over-the-moon with seeing eachother. I'm delighted for them. And it makes me cry. Because I am not a part of that.

I don't know what it would be like if I were still close to David (we were once VERY close) and I was there to witness the cousins -- the kids of both my siblings.

What I do know today is that s I feel LEFT OUT. And I am aware of all of the Life Experience I have not known and will never know... the experience of having the children I once wanted... and the adult narratives with my siblings of watching our children grow up together.


The gap of experience. Between Laura and I. Can be filled. We fill it all the time.
But it always takes my breath a bit. I seem too often to choke up - creating a hurdle I have to jump before we can closely embrace. We get there... but I want to get there without this freakin' hiccup. It's painful. And I believe it is unnecessary.

So..... What the hey?

I'm Aunt Paula to Bianca. And Aunt Paula's xmas present this year is tickets for B and her mom and me and grandma (my mom) to go see WICKED.... tomorrow. It will be great. It will be grand. Truly.

I am what I am. We are what we are. And it is GOOD.
Gaps and all. Warts and all. Wrinkles and all. Stretchmarks and all. Regrets and all.
Gratitude and All. Love and all. Respect and all. Truth and all.

Thanks for listening (if you made it through this rant)
Thanks SPARK for being a place I can leave this... to clear my heart and my circuits....

You know... the kids gap is something I sometimes feel with YOU GUYS too.
So many of my dear SPfriends are moms. And I feel limited by my experience a bit, the ones I don't share. But then there are the so many experiences we DO share.

And for all of those and you. Gifts. Thank you. emoticon


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BTINTERNET 1/5/2011 7:38PM

    I feel this so much sometimes - you have put into words what I haven't been always able to say without sounding bitter. *big hugs*

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MORRIS1989 12/30/2010 1:50PM

    I can relate to you on the gaps. I live in the same building with my sister she lives in the basement I live on the second floor. I don't have anything to do with her, she have funny ways always have to keep peace with my family I have less to do with her. I don't treat her bad I just stay my distance, plus she mistreats my mom. So to save peace I only talk to her if I have too. I have been praying that things will change and maybe on day they will. But I understand what you are saying you have family and you want to be close to them. But who knows maybe next year things will change. It seems like you have a good heart I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers I hope things workout between you and your brother, sister-in-law, and sisters you all can be close again. emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/30/2010 1:51:30 PM

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ANGEL7903 12/30/2010 12:31PM

  Gaps happen all the time and you can fix them. I have 2 sisters and they are older 1 by 7 year 1 by 5. As a kid I want playmates and they want boyfriends. Later as a teen they had husband's and kids. They are always a head of me but with age we have got to be really close. I know you and your sister will get back to being close with time. emoticon emoticon

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MAIA2011 12/30/2010 12:30PM

    It's hard to feel the difference between this present and the present that might have been, particularly at this time when the veil between the worlds is so thin. I appreciate your honesty and I love the way you expressed yourself. Enjoy Wicked. I haven't seen it but the book is really amazing!


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a stone's breath to Onederland (and further in 2011)

Monday, December 27, 2010

Dec 27th 200#, on the nose -- 200.00
Well my friends, it seems I'm just a breath away from ONEderland!
In the photo you see, on the left, weight lost with Spark and Sparkfriends since July 2010. In the middle is the last stone (pound) before ONEderland -- my first near term goal. On the right, stones representing pounds yet to move as I set the next near term goal and the next.
As some of you well know, I've been frustrated for many weeks with the stasis on the scale. Having been hovering at this border for so long.

Yet, I'VE NOT LOST SIGHT at all of HOW HAPPY and CELEBRATIVE I am of accomplishments in life and choices and results so far. IT'S ALLLL GOOOD. Absolutely!

So hip hip (now with more bones) HOORAY for me! And for Us! And for WE.

We're on our ways. And it's the road and the present moment that life is made of.
I'm grateful for the road, and the journey, and my companions.


Lest I mislead with this love tangent

I'm going to be SO DELIGHTED when
THIS STONE IS GONNA MOVE!!! And soon ;-) !

btw: I upped my calories this past week. And I think that THIS may be a good thing -- perhaps the difference? It may be that my daily calories were too low. That may or may not be the reason for so many weeks stuck or setpointed and plateau'd. We'll see. For now, I plan to sticck to this new "calorie cycling" week plan and see where it leads.

What will my next near term goal be? (When this last stone moves I'll have an empty small cup to fill with the next visualization). I'm thinking to put 25 stones in there and have the goal be 175. But perhaps that's not NEAR enough; perhaps the 80's (189)? I'm sure open to reflections and the wisdom of YOUR experience.

In the meantime...
I celebrate TODAY. And MYSELF. And YOU.
2011 is already and is going to be

Im going to leave this with the only before and after I have on file so far:

Next time you see these feet, they'll be standing on the scale celebrating ONEderland!

Love You,

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LEAG0628 12/27/2010 7:03PM

    I love your visual with the stones. I hovered around 200 for what seemed like FOREVER as well. It's like the body just wasn't ready to let go of that number. Congrats to you and I can't wait to read your "I broke 200" blog!

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FITMARY 12/27/2010 12:23PM

    emoticon emoticon
I love those stones. What a great way to visualize! Good luck with 2011 too!

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MAIA2011 12/27/2010 11:51AM

    You are SO close! I think you might be on the right track with upping your calories a little. I might have gone a little too low and went back and forth for six weeks. It is dispiriting.

You are doing so awesome! I love the stones even if I can't get no satisfaction currently.

Rock on!

(I could go on like this for days but it would feel like geologic time for you. Ba-Zing!)

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NANCY1BE 12/27/2010 10:41AM

    emoticonYour before and after shots are inspiring! I just hit below 200 and can appreciate how you feel! It will come..and you will rejoice and move on to next goal! I love your positive spirit!

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