Sunday, December 12, 2010
First REAL snow day -- the one with enough density and whiteness to manufacture memories of all previous winters. Yesterday the warnings of snow and the dropping temperatures had me leading Joe to a cozy fireplace bar/restaurant for Irish Coffees... the best i could do to fulfill my hankering to hang out at "the ski lodge".
I shouldn't be drinking Irish Coffees. I wrote the calories down dutifully in SP. Still...
Just yesterday I read a great blog about goals and had to shoot back a comment in gratitude. I, too, historically resist setting goals because I have experienced some ricochet backlash for doing so in the past. The way SWEETNEENI expressed it was so much better. I was so motivated by her remarks that I declared back that I WANT TO GET TO ONEderland by Jan 1, 2011. I said it. There.
I haven't been on the scale in over a week. I was letting time go by hoping the next time on the scale to show a big number going down. I got on the scale this morning... and ... was UP in weight!??? OMG!! wft! Wrong direction. How so? (humminahummina sassenfrassen-rassenfrassen). Rather than being a pound away it seems I've lost ground instead of pounds.
I can't afford to feel betrayed or gaslighted. So... I have to say to myself: "Self, perhaps what you thought was faithful recording of food and water in SP has somehow been adrift? Get a Grip! A kind loving thoughtful grip, but a grip nonetheless."
Perhaps my portion control eyeballing has ebbed out and away from true measure?
Perhaps i've been dribbing and drabbing a bite of this here a hershey's kiss there... ?
Honestly, there have been extra bites, but I wrote them down and was still within 'my range'
So, friends, I'm determined rather than pissed, and I'm making this declaration to YOU ALL (instead of being embarrassed, which I also feel) and TO MY SELF
I'm DIGGING in. And Digging out. (pun/analogy intended)
No more lighteners in the coffee.
Will measure my own salad dressing instead of mixing bottle for table.
Will use measuring cups and spoons instead of eyeballing.
Will not snack on anything without measuring it first, except carrots.
Will fill up on water.
I'm headed up to the attic to treadmill for 45.
Lovely, it is, the white snow on the branches. Funny it is, neighbors rallying brushes and galoshes, in various full regalia/snowgear.
Up the down staircase was the name of a movie, i think.
Well... I'm coming DOWN *this* down stair case. No free rides or elevators.
January 1 is my goal, or, rather, is my DESTINATION.
Wished for ETA: 1/1/11
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
oh my. it's been ages since i wrote here, hasn't it. i just didn't want to write any more about being 'sick', which is, alas, the theme i'm still working my way out of here. of course the change of seasons and the holiday food shopping week DID peek in to swerve my focus a bit. that and the now two months of barely moving my body at the gym. i guess i didn't want to blog about this because i kept thinking i would turn the corner and have something more sparky to say, something to incite and support all my friends whose voices so enthuse me when i read you.
Before I get too apologetic to self and you, let me take a time out for an objective inventory of the situation. Mmhmm. So... I've been hovering:
*202 was my low weight at the end of the worst of my ulcerative colitis (UC in the biz). I'd barely been able to keep food down for weeks.
*202 marks 20 lbs lost on SPARK (since late July). Not as much as some, but still a grand and celebrated achievement. I'm at an 8 year low weight!!
*As I got better with meds, my return to meals was comfort food oriented. And then came the sinusitis (not able to breathe freely for over two weeks now). Got to the gym twice.
*Thanksgiving - did really well with portions and choices at the holiday meal, but maybe had some foggy reporting on the noshing throughout the afternoons at home.
*I've stayed an avid reporter of my food. But my water pace is way off, I think.
204.4 today. Back Up. A bit. Paula, it's really only a bit. Albeit in the wrong DIRECTION.
Direction. That's it. That's what I want to say.
ONWARD AND DOWNWARD!!! That's my credo.
I can forgive the bobble. I can even respect it.
And it's SO time to rush the gates, or skip through the gates, or hurdle the gates, or stroll the gates, or relay race the gates.... OPEN THE GATES (I say!)
I want to get to ONEDERLAND!!
Onederland... here I come.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Yes, my jeans are longer and I am smaller. (And thanks to so many good friends for sweet comments on what I wrote yesterday).
Today feels like a wake up call. I've been on the couch all day. And now that my body is not in full rebellion, now that I am no longer afraid to eat, I find that I am as prone as ever before to grazing.
Whoa Nelly!!! I say!!!!!!!
On the scale this morning I was 204 (a bump up from what may have been a totally dehydrated and sick 202.6). Did I eat popcorn with butter for lunch today in response to this!!??? NOT a sensible way to go.
Where is my energy and gusto? My sick days are over!! It's been weeks (not since my first dance class) since I moved my body. It is, I think, TIME TO GET MOVING AGAIN!!!! Back to the gym. Back to water and calorie burn streaking. This my Rider says with a wish, and it is up to me each day to tempt my Elephant to feel inspired to walk the walk and walk the talk.
I have ulcerative colitis, a chronic disease, that seems well on its way to remission now. I see the GI doctor tomorrow to follow up and learn more about ongoing care, diet and meds to keep it in remission. I do have a sinus infection or some kind of head cold now, but that too will pass.
If I get a green light with that information there is nothing but sloth to stop me from jumping back in the pool, back on the bike, etc etc etc.
Ganeshe be my guide ;-)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Hey there. I know it's been a while since I blogged about anything. Health matters have been pretty consuming these past weeks. Hard to believe that the malady started in late August. FINALLY diagnosed and in treatment... e.g. on the mend.
One collateral benefit of being as sick as I've been is that eating was highly unappealing through much of it. Staying within my calorie range was crazy easy for the past month or more; hence, weight loss. SO.......... Now that I'm feeling a sense of relief, and a sense of well-being returning, now I get to celebrate both my recovery and my weight loss. Yippie! Skippie!!!
My pants are loose!!!!!!
Even the light colored jeans that were so tight are.... youknow...... LONGER!
(You know... reducing the width space creates more length, the bells of my bottoms covering my shoes again!) hehehehe It feels great. And it is fun to have Joe notice it on his own here and there... his arms getting around me in new ways.
I am reminded to both ENJOY it... AND... to *NOT let it go to my unconsciousness*.
Many times in the past, noticeable weight loss has triggered or translated to some subliminal "free pass thinking (e.g. minimizing or denial). I don't want to stray that way.
I want deeply to keep all my fabulous SPARK FRIENDS near, and my own SPARKyness dear.
So THANK YOU ALL for inspiring me with stories and pictures and connections to you!!!!
I am here!!!!
I am awake!!!
I am Sparking!!
It occurs to me to someday post photos of the epic saga of my diet and weight loss/gain/loss history. Then again it occurs to me to let it not have a presence here in THIS TIME.
Live in the present, I say to myself! My Spark Path needn't include all that. Then again I wonder about how useful it may be some one out there to know how high and how low and how many times over how many years..... Maybe I will, Maybe I won't. Does anyone else have that dialogue with themselves? Stop dragging that red wagon along? Or Show and Tell?
Love to All,
Saturday, October 30, 2010
(This is not my class ;-) It is my teacher (in green) with a group of students somewhere else performing, apparently.)
Here she is again, and this is more what my class feels like.
And this, too:
huh? How do I hold my arms? Which leg first? Oh... okay.... I see.... Yeah!
Our teacher is SO AMAZING. Wow! How lucky we are! A serious artist, singer, and exuberant shining like sunshine energy, a true through and through performer and dancer of many years, Dill Costa, from Rio de Janeiro, is our teacher!!!!! She's contagious. She's special.
And we made it through the first class!!!!!! Much more aerobic than we had anticipated. Our first class had Joe and I visiting what is actually her Thursday Level 2 class because our Wednesday class had been cancelled. The MUSIC is GREAT. Her dancing knowledge and teaching style is fabulous. She sees everyone. And her corrections and comments with persistent feeling of happy invitation (you can do it!) are right on -- (lift your knees, let your hips move, pick up your feet more, one two/one two/one two, half time, double time...). It was not easy. But we can both see how we will get better.
The room was filled with sweat. And limbs akimbo. And music... and JOY. I struggled through some of it. And was glad for my musicality, my rhythm, which was truly helpful, and also for my many years of assorted aerobics classes which have taught me well how to FollowTheLeader.
One of the things Dill kept telling me was to "Look up", raise your chin, look in the mirror.
Admittedly, my dear SPARKfriends, it is not easy or comfortable for me to look in the mirror -- you know, the big full wall of dance studio mirrors. I'm the only larger person in the room. I'm cute though!!! (The two guys in the class are both tall and rail skinny, and next to them I look.... And next to the young women in sleak dancewear I look....)
I will have to, and I will, invite myself to look in the mirror in new ways. To see differently.
Oh,yes... And boy did we dress in the wrong clothes! Next time workout wear and gym shoes!
I was DRENCHED by the end of it. And after an hour my heart rate did get too high and I had to sit down a moment.
IT"S ALL GOOD. It's going to be a challenge and an opportunity on so many levels.
And one of the best things about it -- are the big collateral benefits: *our class will get us out into a different and very vibrant Chicago neighborhood every week, and we'll be at the Old Town School of Folk Music every week, meeting people and taking in the energy at one of Chicago's nicest friendliest and most welcoming communities of people I can think of.
So that's the report! First Class done. 7 weeks ahead!
Who knows what that will bring. And I will, I'm sure, want to blog about it again.
I'm delighted. What a great Fall 2010 adventure.
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