Thursday, October 03, 2013
so... i'm alone in an apartment with a galley kitchen
so... i'm eating alone.... and too often
i got used to dinner for two.... to shopping together.... and talking through my day...instead of eating over it. I've had a string of overeating days....
Going to the kitchen as a way of transition-ing.
an old way....
to be discarded again
Being afraid of it...as though I have no influence is crazy though.
I have influence... every day... and every gesture.
So... tonite I didn't SPARK instaead of eat. Tomorrow ... will do better.
I am not where I want to be.
Sit in it. Don't eat through it.
That is the question.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
I'm in Chicago. September 15th. I left here at the end of June. I was truly out of my mind -- adrenal crash, hormone crash, nervous ...breakup.... etc etc
Three months later... endocrinologist and supplements and celexa later... Still 153lbs (that's now the 'easy part' ???? really??? well... not easy... i had to buy a scale becuase I still fret over it... and when i go up three pounds I'm able to trim back for a few days -- STAY CONSCIOUS ..> THAT'S THE LESSON
So... How to apply the lesson NOW? The issue? Home. House. Money. Living Well within my means. NOt that different than "eating well" "within my means".
My ED was both withholding and excessive. I starved myself and I gluttoned. What took many layers of experience to learn...was and continues to be... LISTENING to my needs... and LEARNING a BETTER SKILLS BEHAVIORS for answering and meeting my needs.
Shelter. Consumer Goods. Activities. People.
What are my wants and needs? What is reasonable? What is possible?
Joe moved to California to be near his family and to 'lead the way' "for Us" to a next chapter when our apartment was lost here in Chicago and I bought a condo in a neighborhood neither of us really want to live in.
I just spent two months helping Joe (and Us) get set up in a rented cabin in a beautiful spot in the redwoods. Rustic. And truly beautiful -- STARS, MOON, Ocean in the distance, canyons, condors, blue jays, crickets, spiders, bees, mice.... wood stove... beautiful. "Our House.." beautiful. Just need two cats in the yard? It's not Laurel Canyon...
I DON"T KNOW WHAT I WANT
I love the making house and the daily love in my relationship.
I need work. There? Here? Where?
I just got off a plane in Chicago. My MOM is here. My doctors are here. Colitis doctor tomorrow. I have to Powerwash the Decks at condo with the rest of the association of owners (none of whom I've met) on Saturday. I have to do this to protect my investment. I will rent out the condo? And/or sell it in Spring? Or if California turns out to not be for me me... I will come back to Chicago again?
I grew up here. I know this town. I know people here. Have three solid friends.
In california I firmly DID NOT WANT TO come back to Chicago.
Now arrived in Chicago.... It is FAMILIAR. And California seems so far away.
THIS LACK OF CONTINUITY
THIS LACK OF HOLDING MY OWN REALITY
is something DEEP DEEP
and connected to how lifelong difficult decision making is and has been
I am so changeable, mutable, ...adaptive.
Eating has always anchored me.
As long as I can eat well... and be comfortable-ish....
My family does not come together ... barely at all
I've done LOT of interesting things
Yet I have not "pursued a passion"
I do not have " a career"
I am able to start over
I am breathing
I am grateful
Joe and his family
and the beauty of two months breathing
back to center
I will pack Joe's clothes this week and send them to California (he's been wearing the same 6 items for three months!!).
I will move from storage unit to condo to save $$ while I or we figure out whether to unpack or simply wait for bigger move in Spring.
This all scares me.
I like things wrapped up and static.
I lived in the same rented apartment for 20 years.
I HAVE A LOT OF ADMINISTRATIVE FLUX TO NOW TEND TO
!!! And I don't have all the answers. That static position of 20 years made everything so easy -- everything figured out... no moves.
Now... IT's ALL MOVES ALL THE TIME.
Is that like exercise? from Sedentary to Exercise?
I'm rambling. I should not publish this. But I'm going to. So I can read it again.
If any of you do read this....
Thank you Universe
for taking care of me
Thank you Universe
fOR SO MUCH LOVE
and relative 'health'
I am grateful.
I am showing up.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Week of 04/11/2013 - Featured Blog Post TINAJANE76
Lessons from Someone Who's Kept the Weight Off
Over the course of the past year, I've learned a lot about myself and the strategies that are important for me to use to stabilize my weight. I'm quite fortunate that I haven't experienced any major life challenges to seriously throw me off track in the past year, so I feel like I've established a strong foundation to deal with those when they do come down the road.
1. Staying connected to my support systems
I've never had real support on maintenance and until now, I had always regained any weight I lost. Staying active here on SparkPeople, especially on the At Goal & Maintaining + Transition to Maintenance team has been a huge component of my success. I've learned so much from the strategies used by other maintainers and have found having the support of like-minded people to be invaluable. Even if you're not at goal yet, I strongly suggest checking out this team. There's a lot to be learned from people who have experienced lasting weight management success. You can visit us here: teams.sparkpeople.com/maintaining
2. Keeping up my healthy habits
Maintenance is not a destination. It's a continuation of a process of refinement of the habits that you developed to lose weight and get healthy. Yes, I still experiment with different strategies to keep me interested, engaged and on track, but the basics of my diet and exercise regime are the same. Eat better, mind my portions, move as much as possible and strength train.
3. Continuing to track and weigh in regularly
Tracking was a useful weight loss tool for me and one that I've continued in maintenance. It's helped me to identify where I need to be from a nutritional and fitness point of view and has helped prevent weight creep. Regular weigh-ins have backed up those efforts and shown me where changes need to be made.
4. Tackling weight creep with subtle changes
There have been times in the past year when I've added a few pounds. Rather than panicking and doing anything drastic, I've made subtle changes when I've seen upward trends and taken a more patient approach to getting the weight back off. I realize that a five-pound gain is nothing compared to a 50-pound gain and can be undone gradually without making significant changes to my meal plan or exercise routine. As a result, I don't feel as though I've had to shift back into weight loss mode and like I'm in a perpetual yo-yo cycle.
5. Learning to live life in a sustainable way
Unlike my past efforts, which were often quite restrictive, I've learned that it's okay not to be perfect. It's okay to indulge every once in a while and it's okay if I slip up from time to time. My overall lifestyle is healthy and it's okay if I don't adhere to a perfect plan all the time. Small daily treats and occasional indulgences have made my maintenance more enjoyable and made me feel like something I can keep up for the rest of my life. I don't have to avoid social events out of fear of weight regain because I've learned to choose my indulgences more wisely and to plan ahead and/or make healthier choices when I've felt like what's being offered isn't worth it.
I admit that it hasn't always been easy and that there have been times when my resolve hasn't been as strong as others. But as my anniversary approaches, I find myself right in the center of my maintenance range and optimistic that I can keep this up forever.
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
Got up and GOT ON THE SCALE. oy. i knew it would be up. but one is never really ready for the bad news that comes with repeated eating-my-feelings. . . . which i've been doing for a coupla weeks off and on but mostly on.
Up 6 lbs. Crap. And ah well...
Ah well. Yep. It happens... to lots of people. And... armed again with my morning shakes and a sparky attitude (gotta get online every day maybe?).... i am going to take that 6 off.
That's 'the new me'-- It's not that I'll never gain weight, it's that I take action to maintain... which means when I'm up I dial back and get back to basics.
AND.... I have ED feelings about all of this that don't quite fit into the above declaration. I have stress(ors) that I've been eating through... which means I need to do something else with that stress.
Months of struggle... Relationship struggles.... This MOVE to unknown destination... Packing 20 years of stuff....
I HAVE some attachment disorders. I have huge anxiety of the UNKNOWN.
Through out my life I have chosen THE KNOWN THING over the unknown thing... EVEN when it has made my life smaller. And I see it. And I don't know if I can change it. This lack of experience taking risks, this lack of experience jumping-in... this lack of experience... starkly aware of it as my skillsets and toolboxes show their LACK.. even as I must now embrace ABUNDANCE.
Portability. Mutability. Mortality. Possibility. Squared.
Therapy with Niquie was good again. Lots of talk about my relationship with Joe. And my family of autonomous floating other people -- my fantasies of the past as it might have been different (or not, according to her)...
Negative posture or languaging is a dial-in attitude that manages Lack, adapts to Lack, Invites Lack, is a coping skill to deal with Lack... even while complaining about it.
"What you focus on is what you get".
We learn that here in Sparkville especially. GOALS and Positive Attitude.... is what carries us happily forward at whatever speed.
The speed of my road toward a new home, or as guest in the homes of others... is daunting.
The speed of maintaining Food/Exercise Routines.... is a comfort I CHOOSE TODAY (it is a smaller focus.... details.... and I need it today).
Routine. Is not smallness. Is it? It can be, but doesn't have to be.
THere is enough chaos in my world. Letting my food choices become chaos is TOO UNSETTLING too dangerous.
Onward and Downward.
Look out SIX ... You are out a here.....
Get An Email Alert Each Time PJH2028 Posts