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April Fool - fooling myself (Way-Station --- Between-ness ---- Liminality...)

Thursday, April 04, 2013

I tell myself.. .I'm through with love... and I'll have nothing more to do with love.... But they all know...it isn't so.... I'm just foolin' myself.

These are lyrics from a great old 40's Billie Holiday tune.
I used to sing.

April. One more month til I am out of this apartment... and I haven't found a place yet.
Thank goodness my mom has a small second home in Michigan and she is SO generous as to offer it to me to stay in as a way-station, and in-between.

In Between. Rock and Hard Place? Life as it has been. Life as it will be.

I spent most of my life in a liminal contingency....
Since I was 6 years old (first obesity memory in first grade)

My parents sent me away to lose weight ... numerous times. They sent me to shrinks. It made things worse.

Which came first? The chicken or the egg?

My soul may be yearning to be un-tethered.... to wander some....
I've been tethered here in Chicago apartment for 20 years... not really knowing why. here because I'm here. Found work. Made the best of it... but no career trajaectory... No VISION for MY SELF... no GOALS. Friends... many have passed through... but have 3 IMPORTANT FRIENDS -- the "family of hoice" kind. And... MY MOM is here. That's a biggy. After my boho ten years in Manhattan 80's.... coming to Chicago and all my mom's achievements and status and high-life that she shares with me.....

Gosh.... I've not really taken responsibiltiy for myself.
I HAVE taken responsibility for others. ... I have lynchpinned the aspirations of creative friends and employers... The ultimate ensemble player.....

The nurse in Romea and Juliet.
The roles available to me when I wanted to do theater ... back in the day....
And I ended up "business manager".... as a way of being part of.
The last picked for teams .... in all






But that is not an option.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NONIE_C 4/5/2013 9:31PM

    We are all many things. Sometimes our careers define us. Sometimes they don't. But either way, we have the power to define ourselves. You are a perfect creature. Perfect! Every step you've taken a necessary one. Every day a special one. You are exactly where you're supposed to be, right now!
I know...and I mean I REALLY KNOW...that those words sometimes feel empty. You want, with your entire being, to believe them --- to really FEEL them --- but there is a dark space inside you that's snuffing out the light.
Start small.
do a little dance
sing a little song
write a little poem
draw a little picture
create something
let joy grow with each little movement.
soon, you will know...really know...that you're right where you're supposed to be, and you'll be using that rock and hard place as anchors, or corner stones, or support. You won't feel stuck between them anymore.

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CHOCOHIPPO 4/4/2013 11:39AM

    You are the most beautiful writer. Your honesty and command of the language are breathtaking but pale in comparison to your insights. Some people know what they want right out of the box (my sister is a CPA and knew in high school that is what she wanted to be). I have reinvented myself several times, trying on careers that fit for a while, but then don't. It took courage, but I like where I ended up...finally....It took me three tries to marry the right partner. He's not someone I might have considered to be as wonderful as he is, or would have thought I deserved, decades ago. I have overcome years of emotional abuse to believe in myself (most of the time) and have the courage to try. Crossroads are scary. My last one was about 18 months ago. I didn't weather it gracefully. Eventually, through anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medications and a lot of soul searching and exercise, I got back to a good place. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself that gift while you sort out what you want to do, who you want to be, and where you want to do it. I'm rooting for you.

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Scale Come-uppance ---- Spring Again

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

Got up and GOT ON THE SCALE. oy. i knew it would be up. but one is never really ready for the bad news that comes with repeated eating-my-feelings. . . . which i've been doing for a coupla weeks off and on but mostly on.

Up 6 lbs. Crap. And ah well...
Ah well. Yep. It happens... to lots of people. And... armed again with my morning shakes and a sparky attitude (gotta get online every day maybe?).... i am going to take that 6 off.

That's 'the new me'-- It's not that I'll never gain weight, it's that I take action to maintain... which means when I'm up I dial back and get back to basics.

AND.... I have ED feelings about all of this that don't quite fit into the above declaration. I have stress(ors) that I've been eating through... which means I need to do something else with that stress.

Months of struggle... Relationship struggles.... This MOVE to unknown destination... Packing 20 years of stuff....

I HAVE some attachment disorders. I have huge anxiety of the UNKNOWN.
Through out my life I have chosen THE KNOWN THING over the unknown thing... EVEN when it has made my life smaller. And I see it. And I don't know if I can change it. This lack of experience taking risks, this lack of experience jumping-in... this lack of experience... starkly aware of it as my skillsets and toolboxes show their LACK.. even as I must now embrace ABUNDANCE.

Portability. Mutability. Mortality. Possibility. Squared.

Mindfulness. Meditation.

Therapy with Niquie was good again. Lots of talk about my relationship with Joe. And my family of autonomous floating other people -- my fantasies of the past as it might have been different (or not, according to her)...

Smallness. Largeness.
Lack. Abundance.

Negativity. Gratitude.

Negative posture or languaging is a dial-in attitude that manages Lack, adapts to Lack, Invites Lack, is a coping skill to deal with Lack... even while complaining about it.

"What you focus on is what you get".

We learn that here in Sparkville especially. GOALS and Positive Attitude.... is what carries us happily forward at whatever speed.

The speed of my road toward a new home, or as guest in the homes of others... is daunting.
The speed of maintaining Food/Exercise Routines.... is a comfort I CHOOSE TODAY (it is a smaller focus.... details.... and I need it today).

Routine. Is not smallness. Is it? It can be, but doesn't have to be.

THere is enough chaos in my world. Letting my food choices become chaos is TOO UNSETTLING too dangerous.

Onward and Downward.
Look out SIX ... You are out a here.....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEANIES_MOM 4/3/2013 4:25AM

    emoticon emoticon

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NONIE_C 4/2/2013 9:22PM

    There is so much we cannot control in this world. So much that's simply out of our hands. You will take control of your nutrition. You will care for your wonderful, precious self with healthy food and choices that reflect self-love. Those silly ol' 6lbs ain't got nuthin' on you!!! And soon they'll be off you.

I wish you strength and positivity in dealing with all the big changes in your world.
You can do this!

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CHOCOHIPPO 4/2/2013 12:47PM

    You can do this. I am constantly amazed by the insight shown by my fellow sparkers and the raw honesty and emotion. The unknown is definitely scary, but as someone who did a huge life transition a year ago, (and yes had a 30 lb. emotionally overeating gain to show for it), my life is so much better now than it was before. So even though I fought hard to get those 30 lbs. back off and continue on my way down, and though it was really tough at times, I chose me over the food. I chose exercise over emotional eating. I chose light over darkness. I chose to be positive rather than negative. Living life mindfully, honestly and respecting myself is making a huge difference. Good luck to you!

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SLFRISBEY 4/2/2013 12:33PM

    You can do it P. I have the utmost faith in your abilities and to sort everything out. If you need to talk, I am here. And no longer traveling :)

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I don't know where I'm Going. I don't know where I am.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Chicago. March 2013. 155lbs. Down from 245 in 2010. Down from lifetime highest of 299 at age 17. Yoyo's and a lifetime of eating disorders, recovery, therapy, self investigation.... READING EVERYONE.... woodman and roth being the best of all..... AND ON THE WAY.... SO MUCH OF LIFE (the lives OTHER people, the THIN people must lead, or so I thought...) So much of life didn't happen -- I didn't occupy it -- I didn't inhabit.

Inhabiting the space of the body. And the body on earth. The body in space.
That's what being fat DIDN"T teach me. Ironically. Despite taking up more space...
The fat body is/was a BUFFER... .My soul felt small in there... I don't think I recognize(d) my self properly.... and I know I did not EXPRESS my self clearly. Diffused. Translated. Scrambled.

I mumble. Still.

This is a trajectory I should keep on writing about. A story ... my story... one of my stories...

intellect as adversary
camelot and canaries in the coal mine

The fat body. The hideout. The isolation of addiction.
The isolation of ridicule in childhood (Biggest Loser this year spotlighting a couple of youngsters was a reminder of a kind).

Not being picked. Taking oneself OUT of the mix out of the game out of the flow.
Aspirations? Shelved.

I can DO NOTHING AT ALL... for long periods of time. But 'boredom' and MUTENESS has a cost.

Without a weight loss battle cry... Doing Nothing is transparently Lazy and Remiss.
I got sent away to lose weight (by my parents) multiple times. And besides eating less and exercising... I just somehow filled the time. This taught me some bad habits. This taught me some kind of skills ...(that the collective culture does not value and in fact disparages?)... maybe.

Shall I write more?

Sure.... Start pasting PHOTOS and riffing on photos. TO BE CONTINUED

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWEETNEENI 3/20/2013 8:56PM


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NONIE_C 3/13/2013 10:37PM

    Fat as buffer. Isolation. A small soul squished at the center --- hidden, afraid, bruised and battered.

I know.

Write it, yell it, dance it all out.
We are your mirrors, your friends, your confidants.
We are writing, yelling, and dancing too.

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CHOCOHIPPO 3/13/2013 11:16AM

    So much pain, so eloquently put!

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SLFRISBEY 3/13/2013 10:40AM

    these things are therapeutic. Keep writing :) It helps me immensely even if no one reads but I will be reading, as usual.

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Back to Basics. Onward & Forward.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Onward and Forward... was a chapter heading in a kindle book I was perusing... not about weight.. but about Mindfulness and ACT (which apparently is a new CBT).
The point being that it resonated smack dab in the center of my Spark cheer here -- "Onward and Downward" !! which so successfully bolstered my GOALS, held my wishes, and steeled me warmed me at community fires.

ONWARD is key. Steady, on!
FORWARD...Now moment... taking actions...being in Life and not just on a diet.
DOWNWARD... Yes...I'd like to take of 5 lb gain and lose another 15. No time pressure.

Focusing on losing weight has had the center ring of my three ring circus... ALL of my life... At the expense of so much really. And... the past two years Illness (UC) has had the center stage -- taking over. One of the collateral outcomes of some of that illness time was inability to eat.... which sure was a game changer. I lost weight. I didn't track. I didn't imagine that compuslivity would come back. And, of course, it does.

Now that I am sort of "stable" on a new drug for UC.... And now that life and choices are center stage again... I have seen anxiety and decision making Fears OBSTACLE other positive changes. I've seen myself grazing at food ... worrying over weight... the cycle of amnesia and consequences localized to the more manageable arena of Body Size and Diet. Small circus.

I forfeited an apartment purchase last September and now have no idea where I will be in June.... FORGIVING myself for the panic that disrupted what would have been a good move... has been slow in coming. Not forgiving myself... has probably been part of the grazing.

I feel like its all Tabula Rasa.
It's been fun to shop with my mom this season... her celebrating my smaller size.... my size having been such a wedge and bond between us. Size 12 NYJ skinny cords when the 14s were somehow too big, even though I'm still wearing OldNavy and Denizen 16s in other styles.

Well... those 12s are TIGHT!!!! Holiday gain.
Not the point. But.. true and something to take action around.


You have to train the mind to watch itself in order to have any chance of using the mind to discern and alter courses. The example given in a meditation tape yesterday morning was:
Put a telescope on a waterbed. Now try to look at the moon. Any shift of weight will throw the position of the lens off... and seeing the moon will be difficult. Made an impression, I guess.

I got soooo low and depressed coping with my illness Fall thru Holiday. Now that I can eat again I don't want to STUFF my feelings. ANd... I do not want to take the ssri route either (enough drugs in my system!).

I want to MINDFULNESS and cope my way out and through and ONWARD and FORWARD.

While I feel the pull and habits ---
I want to put my head in the sand.
I want to be taken care of by someone outside of me (child or benefactor fantasy?)
I want to not be agitated, and not have to resist Hand2Mouth urges...but they are there.
I want to not be afraid and anxious and to fill my days with positive people.

I am a NESTER. Housekeeping is the center of my little universe.
What will happen without a house? Maybe there will be a house. We don't know yet.

STAYING is not the only way of keeping.
MASS and VOLUME of BODY for me was a kind of Staying. GRAVITY and gravitas.

What if I don't find an apartment to buy? Then I'll rent something new.
(I lived in my little apartment 20 years. OMG OMG YES
It took at least six before it was pretty and cozy ... and it took the last six with Joe for it to be really Homey.)


This new chapter of my life seems to be more about LIGHTNESS....
Twill be a discovery...

Back to Basics!
*Track Daily. Water. Spark Connect. Exercise.
*Reread old menus to remember what to eat (how I did it).

*Sign on every day..and RECORD all the food I eat ... BE A JOURNALIST
*Be conscious. Balance the budget.

Celebrate Life and Be In My Body ---
Move More, Eat Sustainably and Well.

Yes... Onward and downward!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANNIEONLI 1/28/2013 1:13PM

    emoticon onward and forward is right my friend!! And be gentle and loving with yourself too... all things will pass in time... and there is a bigger path that we are on that we don't really know all that much about... so keep the faith (whichever one you may choose :) ) Things will get better with every baby step we take towards the positive in the future!!


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BIGMAMAT 1/13/2013 9:02PM

    love the positive thinking my beautiful spark friend emoticon

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CHOCOHIPPO 1/13/2013 10:47AM

    You've got the power! It's cool you are reclaiming it. Good for you!

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TRYINGHARD54 1/13/2013 7:51AM

    sounds like your taking control. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Where Am I and Where Am I Going

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Be Here Now? But where?
It feels good to be in my Sparkpage. I love the connection to you my friends and this community. I am wanting to have you and this as my place to come to -- more than a forum, this place and you have held me to my own goals and kept me company, kept me honest, kept me funny, kept me true.

I've been running away a lot - in my mind and scampering about with fears and illness and confusion over who I am and where I'm going. Some of it is midlife and menopause. Some of it is being smaller. Another friend here on Spark has written so eloquently about "Fat Me" and "Thin Me", and I realized in reading her blogs that there is a split in me there right now.

I lost big amounts of weight many times in my life. I wonder if the "fat me" / "thin me" identity crisis was not a big part of the "relapses". I think so. Granted, my relapses of the past were simply relapses. They were also flights away from the sexuality/attraction powers I thought I had wanted... but then could not handle. And so much more.

Today... 54... and my whole life is not in front of me. There is life in front of me... but a big part of it is behind. And a big part of it -- the lion's share of it -- was spent with the primary dialogue being Weight and worth.
Interestingly, WORTH / VALUE is up for me in big big ways. Because of my illness I went back to talk therapy -- to process better, to gain better skills and equilibrium 'coping with chronic illness'. The Fragility of the illness has intersected the Fragility of the unfamiliar smaller body. I look forward to building my strength back physically and seeing/experi.encing how that influences this dialogue.

FRAGILITY. SENSITIVITY. Similar. Related. But Distinct.
Worth/Value? Fat girl status was a low status for me. I bargained for status with talent and smarts. I was always looking for a safe place to niche. I have not not followed a passion. I have nurtured the passions of others. I have not aspired or acquired MATERIALLY for myself - my financial skills are oddly evolved on the one hand, and entirely RETARDED on the other.
Geneen Roth has written extensively on the link between FOOD and MONEY especially in eating disordered folks. It's good to know I'm not alone. Yet, I've been feeling down and confused and ashamed of what's undone, and afraid of what there is to be done.

Ashamed of what's undone.
Afraid of what needs to be done.

Hmmm. That may be a good simplification. Not entirely true. But close enough for the purpose of moving some of this energy, perhaps.

What Needs To Be Done?
The 15 lbs to goal wt is very LOW on the list, now. (How disarming that is in itself! For losing weight -- my whole life -- -- was TOP of that list).

What Needs to Be Done?

If I have these, they are remotified and distant from my consciousness.
In order to move forward with LOVE and ENERGY (and not fear)... I need to bring these up.
I NEED GOALS. I NEED AFFIRMATIONS. I NEED to break it down. I need to be willing to jettison the people places or things that do not fit with my next chapter. I cannot tether myself to stunted growth in order to protect a status quo. I don't know who is in jettison potential... but I feel that this is an element of what has been holding me back.

Still no good future work prospects.

Scared of upcoming new apartment search
*still on the emotional fence about staying in Chicago
*still wanting what I can't afford
*wishing joe to be more resourceful and strong in this process (And me too)
*scared of doing it wrong, of f'g up in some horrible way

Peter Pan? Puer? Potential?
Chrysallis or not? I'm coming out.

Coming Out
Coming Out
Coming Out

oh so slowly.

I want to celebrate this.
I will keep coming here in hopes of doing so.

With Love,

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 12/22/2012 1:58PM

    Have you ever watched the birth of a butterfly when it breaks free ? Out of the chrysallis?? It's a beautiful process really. We hatched a few last year and it was amazing. Hope you are feeling better P. Sending love your way. xoxoxo T emoticon

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CHOCOHIPPO 12/16/2012 3:20PM

    Wow, you are so insightful and your thoughts shared so eloquently. There is a definite divide that menopause gives, knowing that you are moving towards evening, that there are things you body can no longer do, is hard to deal with. Then there is the divide of fat vs. thin. And realizing that thin doesn't fix anything that has been bad in your life, other than weight related health issues. What emotional issues sent you there are waiting for you around the corner. Scary stuff, right? But the beautiful thing is that you can do this in your own way, at your own pace, in your own time. If you need to tread water and work on something else more important, you can. That is the beauty of Sparkpeople. You get to choose how, when, where and why. You've accomplished so much. How smart of you to know that you may have outgrown some of the people in your life who want to keep you mired in negativity. I made the tough choice to divest myself of a toxic step-parent and a sister who "drank her negative Kool-Aid" and though I keep in touch with my sister (it's now a Hallmark relationship or else our stepmother would pull her into tiny pieces for having any loyalty to me), I have no relationship with the stepmother who emotionally abused me for decades. And at first it felt weird, then empty, and then this beautiful peace. And with the help of a counselor, was able to quiet her cruel voice in my head and realized that I'm a very good person who sometimes makes mistakes, but I am so much of who I wish I was. I don't have the status or financial security I wish I could have at this stage in my life, but my husband found a job he really wanted after three plus years of unemployment and underemployment and I found a job I adore doing exactly what I wanted to do after a year of unemployment. All it took for us was to believe that at 58 (me) and 61 (him) that we still were vital human beings with a lot to offer. A tough road, but so worthwhile.

We are here with you, understanding much of your pain, feeling your joy at your metamorphosis and routing for you all the way! Be good to yourself and celebrate your inner butterfly!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 12/16/2012 9:36AM

    Oh Paula... you capture so much of what I think everyone experiences, those with true ED, the back and forth... accomplishing and undoing... I so get you, and this blog, and I know that you will definitely emerge into the space that has been waiting for you. The work isn't the weight, not for those with trauma or ED, the work has nothing to do with the weight... and when the weight is gone, our problems/memories/trauma are still there waiting for us to acknowledge and make peace with. That's the trickest part. I love you.

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ANNIEONLI 12/16/2012 8:26AM

    It's definitely a life phase (ie. emoticon the fat chick mental battle) that many go through and talking things (and writing) out is probably the best form of therapy. I like to say that sometimes "Life gets in the way of my best intentions" because it does...and noone can fault a person for that as long as we are trying and moving forward to better ourselves as best as we can.

Hang tight, keep talking, keep tracking, keep blogging. Put yourself on Maintenance with your weightloss goals too...focus on just staying there. It can take the edge off of having to lose those last 15 pounds and it is good practice for when you do.

We are all here to listen and cheer you on as you emerge!! We got your back Madame Butterfly!!

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