Tuesday, April 02, 2013
Got up and GOT ON THE SCALE. oy. i knew it would be up. but one is never really ready for the bad news that comes with repeated eating-my-feelings. . . . which i've been doing for a coupla weeks off and on but mostly on.
Up 6 lbs. Crap. And ah well...
Ah well. Yep. It happens... to lots of people. And... armed again with my morning shakes and a sparky attitude (gotta get online every day maybe?).... i am going to take that 6 off.
That's 'the new me'-- It's not that I'll never gain weight, it's that I take action to maintain... which means when I'm up I dial back and get back to basics.
AND.... I have ED feelings about all of this that don't quite fit into the above declaration. I have stress(ors) that I've been eating through... which means I need to do something else with that stress.
Months of struggle... Relationship struggles.... This MOVE to unknown destination... Packing 20 years of stuff....
I HAVE some attachment disorders. I have huge anxiety of the UNKNOWN.
Through out my life I have chosen THE KNOWN THING over the unknown thing... EVEN when it has made my life smaller. And I see it. And I don't know if I can change it. This lack of experience taking risks, this lack of experience jumping-in... this lack of experience... starkly aware of it as my skillsets and toolboxes show their LACK.. even as I must now embrace ABUNDANCE.
Portability. Mutability. Mortality. Possibility. Squared.
Therapy with Niquie was good again. Lots of talk about my relationship with Joe. And my family of autonomous floating other people -- my fantasies of the past as it might have been different (or not, according to her)...
Negative posture or languaging is a dial-in attitude that manages Lack, adapts to Lack, Invites Lack, is a coping skill to deal with Lack... even while complaining about it.
"What you focus on is what you get".
We learn that here in Sparkville especially. GOALS and Positive Attitude.... is what carries us happily forward at whatever speed.
The speed of my road toward a new home, or as guest in the homes of others... is daunting.
The speed of maintaining Food/Exercise Routines.... is a comfort I CHOOSE TODAY (it is a smaller focus.... details.... and I need it today).
Routine. Is not smallness. Is it? It can be, but doesn't have to be.
THere is enough chaos in my world. Letting my food choices become chaos is TOO UNSETTLING too dangerous.
Onward and Downward.
Look out SIX ... You are out a here.....
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Onward and Forward... was a chapter heading in a kindle book I was perusing... not about weight.. but about Mindfulness and ACT (which apparently is a new CBT).
The point being that it resonated smack dab in the center of my Spark cheer here -- "Onward and Downward" !! which so successfully bolstered my GOALS, held my wishes, and steeled me warmed me at community fires.
ONWARD is key. Steady, on!
FORWARD...Now moment... taking actions...being in Life and not just on a diet.
DOWNWARD... Yes...I'd like to take of 5 lb gain and lose another 15. No time pressure.
Focusing on losing weight has had the center ring of my three ring circus... ALL of my life... At the expense of so much really. And... the past two years Illness (UC) has had the center stage -- taking over. One of the collateral outcomes of some of that illness time was inability to eat.... which sure was a game changer. I lost weight. I didn't track. I didn't imagine that compuslivity would come back. And, of course, it does.
Now that I am sort of "stable" on a new drug for UC.... And now that life and choices are center stage again... I have seen anxiety and decision making Fears OBSTACLE other positive changes. I've seen myself grazing at food ... worrying over weight... the cycle of amnesia and consequences localized to the more manageable arena of Body Size and Diet. Small circus.
I forfeited an apartment purchase last September and now have no idea where I will be in June.... FORGIVING myself for the panic that disrupted what would have been a good move... has been slow in coming. Not forgiving myself... has probably been part of the grazing.
PLACE. TIME. PEOPLE.
I feel like its all Tabula Rasa.
It's been fun to shop with my mom this season... her celebrating my smaller size.... my size having been such a wedge and bond between us. Size 12 NYJ skinny cords when the 14s were somehow too big, even though I'm still wearing OldNavy and Denizen 16s in other styles.
Well... those 12s are TIGHT!!!! Holiday gain.
Not the point. But.. true and something to take action around.
I have to MAINTAIN the SPARK HEALTH AND MEDITATE as a HUGE PRIORITY.
You have to train the mind to watch itself in order to have any chance of using the mind to discern and alter courses. The example given in a meditation tape yesterday morning was:
Put a telescope on a waterbed. Now try to look at the moon. Any shift of weight will throw the position of the lens off... and seeing the moon will be difficult. Made an impression, I guess.
I got soooo low and depressed coping with my illness Fall thru Holiday. Now that I can eat again I don't want to STUFF my feelings. ANd... I do not want to take the ssri route either (enough drugs in my system!).
I want to MINDFULNESS and cope my way out and through and ONWARD and FORWARD.
While I feel the pull and habits ---
I want to put my head in the sand.
I want to be taken care of by someone outside of me (child or benefactor fantasy?)
I want to not be agitated, and not have to resist Hand2Mouth urges...but they are there.
I want to not be afraid and anxious and to fill my days with positive people.
I am a NESTER. Housekeeping is the center of my little universe.
What will happen without a house? Maybe there will be a house. We don't know yet.
STAYING is not the only way of keeping.
MASS and VOLUME of BODY for me was a kind of Staying. GRAVITY and gravitas.
What if I don't find an apartment to buy? Then I'll rent something new.
(I lived in my little apartment 20 years. OMG OMG YES
It took at least six before it was pretty and cozy ... and it took the last six with Joe for it to be really Homey.)
LEARNING LESSONS AND MOVING ON
This new chapter of my life seems to be more about LIGHTNESS....
Twill be a discovery...
Back to Basics!
*Track Daily. Water. Spark Connect. Exercise.
*Reread old menus to remember what to eat (how I did it).
*Sign on every day..and RECORD all the food I eat ... BE A JOURNALIST
*Be conscious. Balance the budget.
Celebrate Life and Be In My Body ---
Move More, Eat Sustainably and Well.
Yes... Onward and downward!
AND Onward and FORWARD TOO!
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Be Here Now? But where?
It feels good to be in my Sparkpage. I love the connection to you my friends and this community. I am wanting to have you and this as my place to come to -- more than a forum, this place and you have held me to my own goals and kept me company, kept me honest, kept me funny, kept me true.
I've been running away a lot - in my mind and scampering about with fears and illness and confusion over who I am and where I'm going. Some of it is midlife and menopause. Some of it is being smaller. Another friend here on Spark has written so eloquently about "Fat Me" and "Thin Me", and I realized in reading her blogs that there is a split in me there right now.
I lost big amounts of weight many times in my life. I wonder if the "fat me" / "thin me" identity crisis was not a big part of the "relapses". I think so. Granted, my relapses of the past were simply relapses. They were also flights away from the sexuality/attraction powers I thought I had wanted... but then could not handle. And so much more.
Today... 54... and my whole life is not in front of me. There is life in front of me... but a big part of it is behind. And a big part of it -- the lion's share of it -- was spent with the primary dialogue being Weight and worth.
Interestingly, WORTH / VALUE is up for me in big big ways. Because of my illness I went back to talk therapy -- to process better, to gain better skills and equilibrium 'coping with chronic illness'. The Fragility of the illness has intersected the Fragility of the unfamiliar smaller body. I look forward to building my strength back physically and seeing/experi.encing how that influences this dialogue.
FRAGILITY. SENSITIVITY. Similar. Related. But Distinct.
Worth/Value? Fat girl status was a low status for me. I bargained for status with talent and smarts. I was always looking for a safe place to niche. I have not not followed a passion. I have nurtured the passions of others. I have not aspired or acquired MATERIALLY for myself - my financial skills are oddly evolved on the one hand, and entirely RETARDED on the other.
Geneen Roth has written extensively on the link between FOOD and MONEY especially in eating disordered folks. It's good to know I'm not alone. Yet, I've been feeling down and confused and ashamed of what's undone, and afraid of what there is to be done.
Ashamed of what's undone.
Afraid of what needs to be done.
Hmmm. That may be a good simplification. Not entirely true. But close enough for the purpose of moving some of this energy, perhaps.
What Needs To Be Done?
The 15 lbs to goal wt is very LOW on the list, now. (How disarming that is in itself! For losing weight -- my whole life -- -- was TOP of that list).
What Needs to Be Done?
WISHES WANTS WHYS WHEREFORES
If I have these, they are remotified and distant from my consciousness.
In order to move forward with LOVE and ENERGY (and not fear)... I need to bring these up.
I NEED GOALS. I NEED AFFIRMATIONS. I NEED to break it down. I need to be willing to jettison the people places or things that do not fit with my next chapter. I cannot tether myself to stunted growth in order to protect a status quo. I don't know who is in jettison potential... but I feel that this is an element of what has been holding me back.
Still no good future work prospects.
Scared of upcoming new apartment search
*still on the emotional fence about staying in Chicago
*still wanting what I can't afford
*wishing joe to be more resourceful and strong in this process (And me too)
*scared of doing it wrong, of f'g up in some horrible way
Peter Pan? Puer? Potential?
Chrysallis or not? I'm coming out.
oh so slowly.
I want to celebrate this.
I will keep coming here in hopes of doing so.
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