PJH2028   18,179
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Leaks or Suitcases?

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Don't know what to do, where to go. I seem to be questioning EVERYTHING. And have no toehold on anything. I feel Rootless. Need community. Need work. Need structure. My relationship with Joe gives me comfort and a structure that I wonder about the overall health of.

I went on line this morning to see what’s left on the market of real estate this season (nothing). I went and looked at the condo that I insanely walked away from, that is being purchased by someone else. I still want to say that I can’t believe it what I did! -- it’s like waking up after a blackout, worse than a bender - like those movies where the guy wakes up and finds out he was accessory to a crime! Day by day I am doing better at not looking backwards but it smacks... and I must learn from it and live with it. ((There are some rational reasons why I panicked, but some of the panick is inexplicable). If I am lucky enough to find another someplace next to buy…. I am asking friends now to please help me make sure that I have someone to step by step me through the process. I cannot do it successfully by myself – this has now been proven… and it feels as though my life depends on succeeding at this. I hate being incompetent in this way; but I’d rather get help for this competency gap than continue to suffer with the consequences of my failings.

Meanwhile….Onward:
If I can't stay in my current tiny apartment with the leaks...then I may go live in my mom's lake house Michigan for the winter... maybe could travel too ... if I can figure out how to get my infusions while traveling. (I've looked for short term rentals in the city but there is so very little available in my price range. and... or... I'm Collapsed... short circuited in this area)

Should I stay with leaks? Or move to Michigan? That is the question. ?

My sister Laura believes that I should take advantage of what she sees as "freedom". I like the idea of that. Still, with so many unknowns...and my personality...it doesn't feel like freedom to me. A buddhist friend of mine has all his worldly belongings in his garage in Colorado, in a house he plans to sell, and is renting a palce on the east coast with his wife for a season... to check it out. Other people do this. Joe and I are both unemployed except for freelance stuff which is entirely portable!!

WHEN I BREATHE in the PRESENT moments...when I can be of service to others... THEN I remember my self, then I feel my own integrity and my strength comes back.

I am humiliated. I am collapsed. I need to steel myself. I need to BELIEVE IN MY SELF and in MY FUTURE. In ways that I dont right now. 155 lbs. Woohoo. That's great. And LIFE is in my face.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_COSMOPAULATAN_ 11/2/2012 7:08AM

    Paula... no more torture of what could have been. It's going to spin you until you are sick of yourself. Ask a fellow Chicagoan you trust who their realtor was and if they would use them again. It's a start. Make a wish list of the top 3-5 things you can't live without and a wish list of everything else. Have that for the realtor and let them go to work. If looking makes you yearn for what was, don't look. If looking makes you crazy, don't look. It's ok.

If everything is overwhelming, choose just ONE thing you can make a decision on for better or worse. Just one. I get in the spin cycle too and often it's caused by indecision. One decision, even if it's to take a bath and quiet your mind to allow other options to surface.

My chiro told me that the function of never having your brain shut off is actually caused by an overactive adrenal. He had some over the counter homeopathic cream to put on the back of my neck that I purchased, I slept like a baby that first time. All was quiet upstairs... so welcome.

I'm here for you. Don't get swallowed up in your spin cycle. Be conscious of it, and choose different. You know that is how patterns are undone.

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CHOCOHIPPO 10/31/2012 9:46PM

    You seem to have a handle on what you need, but you're awfully hard on yourself. I think your insight is amazing and you're very wise to know what you need and who you are. Whatever choice you make, it will be a good one with adventure in the making. Stay strong!

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SLFRISBEY 10/31/2012 10:58AM

    What ever you decide, it will be the right decision. Just relax and think of where you most want to be. I know the right doors will open for you!

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MAHGRET 10/31/2012 10:07AM

    Good luck figuring out the best decision for you.

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159.6! Omg!

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_COSMOPAULATAN_ 9/17/2012 7:50AM

    So proud of you Paula. So proud.

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CELLISTA1 9/16/2012 4:02PM

    Excellent! I'm such a sloth that I am blown away when somebody actually does this. Good for you!

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BIGMAMAT 9/16/2012 11:58AM

    Awesome!!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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BUBBLEJ1 9/7/2012 4:50AM

    emoticon Well done, you!

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RUNNER12COM 9/6/2012 11:35AM

    Good job!

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KGWINDER 9/6/2012 1:24AM

    Yea Paula!

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KT-NICHOLS-13 9/5/2012 11:56PM

    YAY!

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BABY_GIRL69 9/5/2012 4:11PM

    Outstanding!!

God bless,

Dee emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHOCOHIPPO 9/5/2012 3:40PM

    Amazing! Congratulations!!!!!!!

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CHOCOHIPPO 9/5/2012 3:40PM

    Amazing! Congratulations!!!!!!!

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WILLIAMV3 9/5/2012 11:19AM

    Fabulous! emoticon

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MAMADWARF 9/5/2012 10:57AM

    Wow!!! Congrats!!!!

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SLFRISBEY 9/5/2012 10:17AM

    Well done!!!!

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MAERETH 9/5/2012 9:47AM

    emoticon emoticon

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Barrie's Email -- BIGger LEAPS NEEDED with prosperity/abundance

Friday, August 31, 2012

Paula,
Yes of course. No one who listened to anyone with as much experience as Janice would be reckless with my portfolio. My life is always shifting and in flux.and that changes how I use my money. Im not really sure what you are asking but I do believe that the women who take Janice's classes and the women who are in Janices circle Rachel Rosenberg and Sylvia for example are people that would be beneficial to you for you to be among energy wise as well as example wise.

I Think it would also be wise to move ASAP and slowly or quickly own your power more and more from that spot of having relocated. Do the exercises in the Stanney book.

A big part of my development is as you know from my immersion in the school for womanly arts with mama gena and the tools I was introduced to there as well as other work and life things that sprung or was enhanced by that work and life shifts.. it is impossible to figure out everything in advance or seperate aspects of life.

If you want to hire me to do a writing session to sort out your potential paths we could schedule that soonish.As I've known you for years I am wary of having a discussion with you for too long without action on your part as I believe this does not serve either of us. If you start making real moves and taking true risks I could definitely offer support in terms of managing feelings around having leaped in new ways.

The best I can do for you before that point is to invite you into my circle to be inspired and held in a sisterhood where everyone gives out of their own zone of genius in ways that are beneficial to all parties. As I've said before new moves are what is called for. You showed up to the swap. You met with Janice and Ralph. You have lost weight. You have packed some things and thrown others out. Keep going. I know you prob won't like my advice but it is coming from love.

Here are a bunch of things I would suggest to do some of which I have already said- 1.stop asking joe what should do. Joe will be happy wherever you are. This is ypur responsibility. It is It is not his money.
2. Take Janice's classes and do what she tells you to do without needing a guarantee. Your way is keeping you stuck. Try a new way as an experiment. 3. Do exercises in standby book.
4. Rent or buy a place to move and move there.
5. Hire me to do some writing work with you. 6. Take mama genas pleasure boot camp or mastery or both.
7. Expand your circle. When you are invited somewhere go more then not go. 8. Get the real tools you need even if they cost money. 9. Love yourself no matter what. 10. Make giant mistakes so you can learn big lessons. 11. Believe what people you trust say to you.12. Be open to wildly unconventional paths and solutions regarding everything. 13. Ask yourself what your desires are around tiny and big things and write them down. 14. Become fascinated by the Idea and pursuit of personal pleaaure. 15. Get weirder than you ever thOught tou could. You are asking what I do. This is what I do.

Sent from my iPhon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLFRISBEY 8/31/2012 10:09AM

    "Be open to wildly unconventional paths and solutions regarding everything." - Amazing advice and very hard to follow. I know you can do it though when you put your mind to it. :) Have you decided anything about moving? Hope all is well!

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Swap Meet Soiree - First!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Swap Meet Soiree/Party at My Friend Barrie's House Friday Night. Women of all ages shapes and sizes. And, mostly, younger women (30's-40's) under size 12... but clothes, pants, dresses, shorts, jackets, purses, jewelry, shoes, and more... from size 2-24. LOVELY WOMEN.

FIRSTS for ME --
I felt included.
Yes, I had my familiar social anxiety and 'outsider' feelings -- these are emotional first and 'fat' second (though i may have come by the emotional by way of a fat childhood).
Yes, there were private dressing rooms for those who wanted to not be seen trying on clothes.
Yes, all those years in the locker room at the gym and the drop in weight has me familiar with changing clothes in front of people... AND I DID
Oh my! I not only allowed other women to comment on "how does this look" but I solicited opinions! THIS is hard to believe. (I still remember the torture of changing for gym class as a kid, those horrid blue cotton bloomer jumpsuits...and mean girls with mean words).

FRIDAY Night was illuminating and healing in some way. I had fun. And... boy oh boy
I brought home some great new clothes to wear! Stuff I would never have tried on in a store...because it's not what I think I like, or not how i see myself...or might be fun but not for the money. Fun fun fun shirts and skirts and a jacket and even a pair of pointy toe lady shoes.

hahhah
I jsut had to tell y'all and me to look back upon.

The STUFF in my way (in my way of making CHANGES and breakthroughs) these days is not food stuff. It's RESISTANCE TO CHANGE STUFF. It's F.E.A.R. stuff.

I just saw "Beasts of the Southern Wild" and I see myself in the inability to leave "the bathtub"---even in a storm.

HERE is what I know
HERE is "my place"
But... Immediate income challenges, plus
Present:Tuture Housing and Where Do I Want To BE down the road?????????
must be faced
must be faced

I cannot hide under the box inside the box with a crayon drawing pictures and telling stories
Not when the house is on fire,
and I'm the only one coming to get me.

Yeah... I want someone to come and add magical answers
I keep going to the hardware store for milk in these areas.
These are my vistas of rock and hard place now --
And so I celebrate recent accomplishments
partly to remind myself that PROGRESS is slow and steady.... it has a momentum...

Taking new clients or new FT work is a big commmttment but more like food, because I know that it can be mutated and changed.
Moving feels TOO BIG and too permanent...

To move, I will have to give up this apartment of 20 years (yes, 20, hard to believe but true)
Most People respond in shock and judgement (there's something wrong with me?)
Some People respond with interest and affirmation (how nice to have a home for so long)

It's going to require a BIG DECISION. All me. All on my own steam...

I need to remember....
I've been holding steady on the scale, and making good choices day to day for a number of weeks...with my food. Whoohoo for that, an accomplishment, an amazement.

I need to remember...
My UC is semi- in remission -- the Remicade works some... though it wears off unpredictably with menopause hormone fluctuations. Feels very unstable. But ... I'm okay.

I need to keep going...but tweak something (Looking Forever is a Trap)
I've been on craigslist instead of Spark every morning -- looking for jobs and apartments. Then resume-ing and emailing and setting up look-sees. And.... uh.... so far.... no break throughs. Oh, yes, met with a financial planner last week too. Shoulder/arm on the mend with physical therapist.

There is no magic bullet. No perfect coach. Or perfect diet. Or perfect moment.

Endeavoring to apply same sparky success bits to next growth demands.
1) Set attainable goals
2) Take small discernable steps in that direction every day
3) Don't be discouraged when resistance and obstacles come, because...that's life
4) Dont submit to too many obstacles and say "that's life", cuz hanging tough/hanging loose DOES mean cutting through some of that.
5) Be ready to LEAP when the bridge appears. .. so don't keep your eyes shut.

Love, Paula

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 8/31/2012 7:54AM

    Your girl party sounds so fun! emoticon One day at a time my beautiful sparkfriend! Something will turn up. Sending hugs your way! T

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CHOCOHIPPO 8/26/2012 8:53AM

    Paula,

I too am in transition. You are obviously a loyal person. I am also looking for a job and recently moved to a new state, where I'm trying to find my "fit". You have a great attitude and you will be successful. These things all take time, which is the hard part. Taking care of yourself while dealing with these major life stressors is important. Good luck!

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Where are we now... inventory (54 looking at 55)

Monday, August 06, 2012

"... are you in some hotel room, does it have a view?...." Joni Mitchell quotes are never far from my consciousness, no matter how long it's been since I've heard them or thought about them. Hmm.

But that has nothing to do with the blog.
Where am I now? Update. Note to self and you my comrades in Sparkville.

Spark lights from the inside
Changes are made gradually, gently and BOLDly, with determination... clarity

Celebrating 165lbs and holding steady. Wow! Yes.
And needing/wanting to make progress in other life areas so long neglected.

"the wreckage of my past" (12-step vernacular). Inventory of sorts.

Employment/Accomplishments - uhhh nope. Resume, yes. Career, no. Hireability at 54 and after...? Scarey. Scared. MUST ENGAGE NOW.

Self-Expression/Creativity - helping others, yes. Me, no. Stopped up. Why? Dunno. Is it okay? Dunno. Start-stop with voice groups and jazz classes... the repeated challenges I run away from... dunno.

Status/Money/Management - What is reasonably possible. I keep postponing. Procrastination. 54 yrs old. Better reach for reasonable now instead of fantasizing. I am fortunate to be doing as well as I am yet it won't sustain inflation or aging... so must PLAN, set GOALS, take STEPS,

Making Decisions -
Stepping through F E A R better

Focusing on ME and not others - enmeshment and enabling, deferrment.
(I esp get distracted when I focus on helping/fixing Joe and it's another habit to break -- a carryover from trying to fix the parents to meet my needs, fix/help the friend/lover to be more loveable and to meet my needs?). Ugh psycho babble. Dreck.
.
54 years old.
I want celebrate something next July at 55.

PLACE HOME -- Must Move
Must remember to ONLY ACCEPT clean, safe upgraded wd and ac
(I have a tendency to keep considering lesser things that will hold me down)
****
Reaching for what you want and is reasonable.
Not just what is right there, or what in one's distorted self esteem (low or inflated)
****

Fat Girl thinking --
Dating - I lowered my standards (or didn't have any, really) because it was slim pickings of who would have me.

Work - Don't fit the picture, so why try? Lazy? I don't know why I didn't reach.
Artist Fantasy and day jobs met Boho getting by lifestyle, which met Midlife higher pay grade and more responsbilitiy but no identity or real engagement in it.

Hey... P... That doesn't mean it couldn't NOW.
Cinderella you ain't

Joe wants us to move to California near his family. (Central Coast is crazy expensive)
With the right opportunities (work, enigmatically affordable and lovely place to live) I could imagine being happy doing that. Yet those IFs just mentioned are rare and not present at the moment.

Enuf.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLFRISBEY 8/6/2012 7:00PM

    Wow, that's a huge change for you! A move to Cali might not be the worst thing... think about the coming winter and you'll want to go! :)

Thinking of you as you start thinking about all the changes!

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ELRIDDICK 8/6/2012 10:52AM

  Thanks for sharing

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