Sunday, December 16, 2012
Be Here Now? But where?
It feels good to be in my Sparkpage. I love the connection to you my friends and this community. I am wanting to have you and this as my place to come to -- more than a forum, this place and you have held me to my own goals and kept me company, kept me honest, kept me funny, kept me true.
I've been running away a lot - in my mind and scampering about with fears and illness and confusion over who I am and where I'm going. Some of it is midlife and menopause. Some of it is being smaller. Another friend here on Spark has written so eloquently about "Fat Me" and "Thin Me", and I realized in reading her blogs that there is a split in me there right now.
I lost big amounts of weight many times in my life. I wonder if the "fat me" / "thin me" identity crisis was not a big part of the "relapses". I think so. Granted, my relapses of the past were simply relapses. They were also flights away from the sexuality/attraction powers I thought I had wanted... but then could not handle. And so much more.
Today... 54... and my whole life is not in front of me. There is life in front of me... but a big part of it is behind. And a big part of it -- the lion's share of it -- was spent with the primary dialogue being Weight and worth.
Interestingly, WORTH / VALUE is up for me in big big ways. Because of my illness I went back to talk therapy -- to process better, to gain better skills and equilibrium 'coping with chronic illness'. The Fragility of the illness has intersected the Fragility of the unfamiliar smaller body. I look forward to building my strength back physically and seeing/experi.encing how that influences this dialogue.
FRAGILITY. SENSITIVITY. Similar. Related. But Distinct.
Worth/Value? Fat girl status was a low status for me. I bargained for status with talent and smarts. I was always looking for a safe place to niche. I have not not followed a passion. I have nurtured the passions of others. I have not aspired or acquired MATERIALLY for myself - my financial skills are oddly evolved on the one hand, and entirely RETARDED on the other.
Geneen Roth has written extensively on the link between FOOD and MONEY especially in eating disordered folks. It's good to know I'm not alone. Yet, I've been feeling down and confused and ashamed of what's undone, and afraid of what there is to be done.
Ashamed of what's undone.
Afraid of what needs to be done.
Hmmm. That may be a good simplification. Not entirely true. But close enough for the purpose of moving some of this energy, perhaps.
What Needs To Be Done?
The 15 lbs to goal wt is very LOW on the list, now. (How disarming that is in itself! For losing weight -- my whole life -- -- was TOP of that list).
What Needs to Be Done?
WISHES WANTS WHYS WHEREFORES
If I have these, they are remotified and distant from my consciousness.
In order to move forward with LOVE and ENERGY (and not fear)... I need to bring these up.
I NEED GOALS. I NEED AFFIRMATIONS. I NEED to break it down. I need to be willing to jettison the people places or things that do not fit with my next chapter. I cannot tether myself to stunted growth in order to protect a status quo. I don't know who is in jettison potential... but I feel that this is an element of what has been holding me back.
Still no good future work prospects.
Scared of upcoming new apartment search
*still on the emotional fence about staying in Chicago
*still wanting what I can't afford
*wishing joe to be more resourceful and strong in this process (And me too)
*scared of doing it wrong, of f'g up in some horrible way
Peter Pan? Puer? Potential?
Chrysallis or not? I'm coming out.
oh so slowly.
I want to celebrate this.
I will keep coming here in hopes of doing so.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Don't know what to do, where to go. I seem to be questioning EVERYTHING. And have no toehold on anything. I feel Rootless. Need community. Need work. Need structure. My relationship with Joe gives me comfort and a structure that I wonder about the overall health of.
I went on line this morning to see what’s left on the market of real estate this season (nothing). I went and looked at the condo that I insanely walked away from, that is being purchased by someone else. I still want to say that I can’t believe it what I did! -- it’s like waking up after a blackout, worse than a bender - like those movies where the guy wakes up and finds out he was accessory to a crime! Day by day I am doing better at not looking backwards but it smacks... and I must learn from it and live with it. ((There are some rational reasons why I panicked, but some of the panick is inexplicable). If I am lucky enough to find another someplace next to buy…. I am asking friends now to please help me make sure that I have someone to step by step me through the process. I cannot do it successfully by myself – this has now been proven… and it feels as though my life depends on succeeding at this. I hate being incompetent in this way; but I’d rather get help for this competency gap than continue to suffer with the consequences of my failings.
If I can't stay in my current tiny apartment with the leaks...then I may go live in my mom's lake house Michigan for the winter... maybe could travel too ... if I can figure out how to get my infusions while traveling. (I've looked for short term rentals in the city but there is so very little available in my price range. and... or... I'm Collapsed... short circuited in this area)
Should I stay with leaks? Or move to Michigan? That is the question. ?
My sister Laura believes that I should take advantage of what she sees as "freedom". I like the idea of that. Still, with so many unknowns...and my personality...it doesn't feel like freedom to me. A buddhist friend of mine has all his worldly belongings in his garage in Colorado, in a house he plans to sell, and is renting a palce on the east coast with his wife for a season... to check it out. Other people do this. Joe and I are both unemployed except for freelance stuff which is entirely portable!!
WHEN I BREATHE in the PRESENT moments...when I can be of service to others... THEN I remember my self, then I feel my own integrity and my strength comes back.
I am humiliated. I am collapsed. I need to steel myself. I need to BELIEVE IN MY SELF and in MY FUTURE. In ways that I dont right now. 155 lbs. Woohoo. That's great. And LIFE is in my face.
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Swap Meet Soiree/Party at My Friend Barrie's House Friday Night. Women of all ages shapes and sizes. And, mostly, younger women (30's-40's) under size 12... but clothes, pants, dresses, shorts, jackets, purses, jewelry, shoes, and more... from size 2-24. LOVELY WOMEN.
FIRSTS for ME --
I felt included.
Yes, I had my familiar social anxiety and 'outsider' feelings -- these are emotional first and 'fat' second (though i may have come by the emotional by way of a fat childhood).
Yes, there were private dressing rooms for those who wanted to not be seen trying on clothes.
Yes, all those years in the locker room at the gym and the drop in weight has me familiar with changing clothes in front of people... AND I DID
Oh my! I not only allowed other women to comment on "how does this look" but I solicited opinions! THIS is hard to believe. (I still remember the torture of changing for gym class as a kid, those horrid blue cotton bloomer jumpsuits...and mean girls with mean words).
FRIDAY Night was illuminating and healing in some way. I had fun. And... boy oh boy
I brought home some great new clothes to wear! Stuff I would never have tried on in a store...because it's not what I think I like, or not how i see myself...or might be fun but not for the money. Fun fun fun shirts and skirts and a jacket and even a pair of pointy toe lady shoes.
I jsut had to tell y'all and me to look back upon.
The STUFF in my way (in my way of making CHANGES and breakthroughs) these days is not food stuff. It's RESISTANCE TO CHANGE STUFF. It's F.E.A.R. stuff.
I just saw "Beasts of the Southern Wild" and I see myself in the inability to leave "the bathtub"---even in a storm.
HERE is what I know
HERE is "my place"
But... Immediate income challenges, plus
Present:Tuture Housing and Where Do I Want To BE down the road?????????
must be faced
must be faced
I cannot hide under the box inside the box with a crayon drawing pictures and telling stories
Not when the house is on fire,
and I'm the only one coming to get me.
Yeah... I want someone to come and add magical answers
I keep going to the hardware store for milk in these areas.
These are my vistas of rock and hard place now --
And so I celebrate recent accomplishments
partly to remind myself that PROGRESS is slow and steady.... it has a momentum...
Taking new clients or new FT work is a big commmttment but more like food, because I know that it can be mutated and changed.
Moving feels TOO BIG and too permanent...
To move, I will have to give up this apartment of 20 years (yes, 20, hard to believe but true)
Most People respond in shock and judgement (there's something wrong with me?)
Some People respond with interest and affirmation (how nice to have a home for so long)
It's going to require a BIG DECISION. All me. All on my own steam...
I need to remember....
I've been holding steady on the scale, and making good choices day to day for a number of weeks...with my food. Whoohoo for that, an accomplishment, an amazement.
I need to remember...
My UC is semi- in remission -- the Remicade works some... though it wears off unpredictably with menopause hormone fluctuations. Feels very unstable. But ... I'm okay.
I need to keep going...but tweak something (Looking Forever is a Trap)
I've been on craigslist instead of Spark every morning -- looking for jobs and apartments. Then resume-ing and emailing and setting up look-sees. And.... uh.... so far.... no break throughs. Oh, yes, met with a financial planner last week too. Shoulder/arm on the mend with physical therapist.
There is no magic bullet. No perfect coach. Or perfect diet. Or perfect moment.
Endeavoring to apply same sparky success bits to next growth demands.
1) Set attainable goals
2) Take small discernable steps in that direction every day
3) Don't be discouraged when resistance and obstacles come, because...that's life
4) Dont submit to too many obstacles and say "that's life", cuz hanging tough/hanging loose DOES mean cutting through some of that.
5) Be ready to LEAP when the bridge appears. .. so don't keep your eyes shut.
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