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Where are we now... inventory (54 looking at 55)

Monday, August 06, 2012

"... are you in some hotel room, does it have a view?...." Joni Mitchell quotes are never far from my consciousness, no matter how long it's been since I've heard them or thought about them. Hmm.

But that has nothing to do with the blog.
Where am I now? Update. Note to self and you my comrades in Sparkville.

Spark lights from the inside
Changes are made gradually, gently and BOLDly, with determination... clarity

Celebrating 165lbs and holding steady. Wow! Yes.
And needing/wanting to make progress in other life areas so long neglected.

"the wreckage of my past" (12-step vernacular). Inventory of sorts.

Employment/Accomplishments - uhhh nope. Resume, yes. Career, no. Hireability at 54 and after...? Scarey. Scared. MUST ENGAGE NOW.

Self-Expression/Creativity - helping others, yes. Me, no. Stopped up. Why? Dunno. Is it okay? Dunno. Start-stop with voice groups and jazz classes... the repeated challenges I run away from... dunno.

Status/Money/Management - What is reasonably possible. I keep postponing. Procrastination. 54 yrs old. Better reach for reasonable now instead of fantasizing. I am fortunate to be doing as well as I am yet it won't sustain inflation or aging... so must PLAN, set GOALS, take STEPS,

Making Decisions -
Stepping through F E A R better

Focusing on ME and not others - enmeshment and enabling, deferrment.
(I esp get distracted when I focus on helping/fixing Joe and it's another habit to break -- a carryover from trying to fix the parents to meet my needs, fix/help the friend/lover to be more loveable and to meet my needs?). Ugh psycho babble. Dreck.
54 years old.
I want celebrate something next July at 55.

PLACE HOME -- Must Move
Must remember to ONLY ACCEPT clean, safe upgraded wd and ac
(I have a tendency to keep considering lesser things that will hold me down)
Reaching for what you want and is reasonable.
Not just what is right there, or what in one's distorted self esteem (low or inflated)

Fat Girl thinking --
Dating - I lowered my standards (or didn't have any, really) because it was slim pickings of who would have me.

Work - Don't fit the picture, so why try? Lazy? I don't know why I didn't reach.
Artist Fantasy and day jobs met Boho getting by lifestyle, which met Midlife higher pay grade and more responsbilitiy but no identity or real engagement in it.

Hey... P... That doesn't mean it couldn't NOW.
Cinderella you ain't

Joe wants us to move to California near his family. (Central Coast is crazy expensive)
With the right opportunities (work, enigmatically affordable and lovely place to live) I could imagine being happy doing that. Yet those IFs just mentioned are rare and not present at the moment.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLFRISBEY 8/6/2012 7:00PM

    Wow, that's a huge change for you! A move to Cali might not be the worst thing... think about the coming winter and you'll want to go! :)

Thinking of you as you start thinking about all the changes!

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ELRIDDICK 8/6/2012 10:52AM

  Thanks for sharing

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A moment this moment - taking stock (july 20, 2012) - Flare and Then

Friday, July 20, 2012

Alone in my old run down little apartment. It's been a long time. Joe is away. I cried at the airport-- always do...cry at goodbyes...with everyone....What IS that? Now it's cooler outside and even with all the crap going on here I feel HAPPY to be here alone - with space - with only MY OWN energy wavelength and motions.

Maybe I should not go to Ca and would do better to stay here and soak in my own energy. See what industrious directions or people I might call .... HOW the mind WANDERS!! Ohmy.
It's going to be in th 100s again next week. Big Sur, CA sounds grand at the moment. So ...ticket booked...to leave Tuesday early and stay a week.

U.C. FLARE is continuing to develop. Blood is back. Tummy troubles are back. I don't want to travel with these symptoms. SPECIAL ADDED REMICADE INFUSION TODAY. I may have developed antibodies against the bioengineered drug that has keep me in remission since February (Feb Mr Apr May June July - that's only 6 months). Or I may need a higher dose?
If the infusion works I will be THRILLED. IF it DOESNT work I will be lined up for more steroids and then a different drug to try.

Staving off Fear.
Steering with HOPE.

The walls are cruumbling around me in this apartment.
I move stuff to storage on August 1st.
I have the sense that BIG MOVES are needed.
But which ones?

I've looked to find a new place in Chicago to settle into, to buy even. Can't find it. Can't seem to say YES.

I have a girlfriend who reminds me how rare my YES-es in life are.
Yet I know how big they are when they come. I DO know how to say Yes. It just doesn't happen often. People Places Things

What do I like?
What do I want? to eat, to wear, to sing, to say...

And my "hungry ghosts" are always near, too.

I took out one of the Spark Goals advice pages





Get out of the gosh darn rear view mirror.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 7/25/2012 7:07AM

    emoticon Sending hugs across the miles. Love you. emoticon

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SCOOTER4263 7/20/2012 8:24PM

    You're in a rough spot right now - so many options, and none of them fit just right. Remember Mercury is retrograde, so (if you sign on with this system) any paperwork or projects started now will need to be restarted later.

Sometimes I don't quite know where you're coming from, but this I get loud and clear.

Bless you and keep you, sweetheart.

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BABY_GIRL69 7/20/2012 1:31PM

    Well I hope you find a place that you are happy with. In the meantime, go to CA & have some fun. I hope you feel better by the time you travel too.

God bless,


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KGWINDER 7/20/2012 12:40PM

    I can't believe I came upon your blog randomly because....

My guy is leaving for a year and I'm being left behind alone. On one hand happy to have space and on the other hand can I do it on my own?

I have my infusion of Remicade Monday (my savior) and I was in threat of not getting it in time to prevent developing a reaction.

but back to you. What a journey you are on. I'm thinking positive thoughts, wishes and prayers that your infusion goes well and that three days from now we can both be rejoicing in our bodies.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Pendulum - pleasures and positives - Keep On Keeping On

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Yeah... it's like that sometimes. ReAction to success... retrograde. Maybe. Or not.
Clothes shopping finished for a while. Still no shoes. But a Size 12 green dress.
I tend to react to positives by exhibiting some negative behavior. I've been that way all of my life.

Saw doctor yesterday for tendonitis. Dr's Scale said 173 (midday, clothes on, after breakfast).
This is the same number as it's been for months and months. Though, I've swung from 168-175 up and down. (It's striking to note that I do NOT dread getting on the scale in that situation anymore -- e.g. I pretty much know what it will say... though I admit I'd hoped yesterday for it to be a lower number). Crystal Ball? Nope.

Mucho Inconsistent behavior. TOM. Tracking only some of the time. Not much body movement.

It's okay, P. Just be conscious. What do I want? Set goals. Keep things simple. Do what can be done to move you closer to pleasures and positives.

I want:
1) endorphins and feel-goods from exercise and strength
2) the way i feel when i drink lots of water and eat 'clean'
3) to be engaged and enthusiastic about something more....

**About these things above, I CAN do something! **

I also want:
1) My skin to be smoother; 2) My mood to be more even keeled; 3) A vacation with a slightly cosmopolitan edge - maybe alone; 4) More money/mobility. Which means....________________?;
5) My man to take more responsibility. Worldly? Coupledom? Gifts? Orgasms?
6) To feel sure of my own Integrity....
*I have less control/influence on these. Hey. But some.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 6/30/2012 12:49PM

    Love, Love, Love all the positives and Love, Love, Love You!!! Celebrating your success. hugs. T emoticon

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MAMADWARF 6/30/2012 12:01PM

    Keeping on is a good thing...thinking of you!

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First ever Size 12 dress !!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My amazing friend Kristen was with me in the dressing room. I'm like a toddler looking into her face for validation, to see approval, to see if I should be can be happy about it.

Very You, she said. Leaning toward Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan Sun.
Don't have a bra that won't show. . .
Bought it on sale and brought it home.
Loved the feeling of celebration with Kristen!

In the air conditioned cubicle at Lord & Taylor it didn't feel "too snug"...
But home now with the real heat... and... yeah... it may be... too tight for sweating in.

Wanted to share the girlish moment of celebration with you all too.
Maybe I'll keep it? Maybe I won't. tbd

Not since..... high school? jr high school? the smallest since then i can remember was a 14.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLFRISBEY 6/25/2012 11:41AM

    Spectacular!!! You're looking amazing and hope you feel that way as well! So glad you decided to keep the dress, it's very flattering!

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BIGMAMAT 6/23/2012 1:34AM

    OMG!!! You look wonderful P!!!!!! emoticon Celebrating your success!!!! Wooohoooo!!!

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GOGOMAMA 6/22/2012 9:56AM

    Wow P!! Gorgeous dress and gorgeous you!! You look fabulous!! Well done my friend!! I love the look of pride and pleasure on your face!! :)

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KT-NICHOLS-13 6/21/2012 5:51PM

    You look amazing and that color is fantastic.

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GRANNYQUINN 6/21/2012 5:47PM

    Awesome , congrats - Is that the best feeling or what?

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1STMOMMY1991 6/21/2012 9:37AM

    congratulations!!! and thanks for giving me a goal to look forward to. emoticon

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RENCHERRY 6/21/2012 9:34AM

    I say keep it! It looks really lovely on you! Congrats!!

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ANNIEONLI 6/21/2012 8:23AM

    Congrats!!!!!!! You go girl!!!

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EVLOBOS310 6/21/2012 6:48AM

    Ooh, I love that color on you! You look great!

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CELLISTA1 6/20/2012 10:03PM

    It looks good on you!! Enjoy!

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IBSHAUN 6/20/2012 8:59PM

    That's fantastic! Way to go!

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BABY_GIRL69 6/20/2012 8:35PM

    I think you should be so proud of yourself! I think you look simply gorgeous.....God bless & continued success!!


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TALVARADO6 6/20/2012 8:10PM

    Great job! You look great! I can see how excited you are in this picture!!! I would be, too!!

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HEALTHYASHLEY 6/20/2012 7:51PM

    I love the dress and I love the look on your face. You look so proud and happy! Congratulations! I don't remember being smaller than a 14 in my life either. I hope a 12 is in my future!

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PATTOMMC3 6/20/2012 7:46PM


That is wonderful! You look great!

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TARAH85 6/20/2012 7:29PM

    It's very pretty. Now your should get a bra that can be covered (and maybe uncovered?)

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ILOVEJIM851991 6/20/2012 7:29PM

    emoticon emoticongreat job

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Injuries - Will NOT Derail me emotionally. They could. But can't let them!!

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Fix this!!!!
Just a couple of weeks ago ... I was feeling GREAT! I was on a roll! I was at the beginning of new goals.

P.s. Shopping for clothes is NOT therapy for me. Still overwhelming. Won't try that again without a chaperone.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLFRISBEY 6/18/2012 10:18AM

    I totally volunteer to be your chaperone next time you want to shop! I love it even though things don't always work out and sizes are different from one thing to another. You can do it, lady! Just hang in there and things will work out!

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