PJH2028   18,210
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PJH2028's Recent Blog Entries

A moment this moment - taking stock (july 20, 2012) - Flare and Then

Friday, July 20, 2012

Alone in my old run down little apartment. It's been a long time. Joe is away. I cried at the airport-- always do...cry at goodbyes...with everyone....What IS that? Now it's cooler outside and even with all the crap going on here I feel HAPPY to be here alone - with space - with only MY OWN energy wavelength and motions.

Maybe I should not go to Ca and would do better to stay here and soak in my own energy. See what industrious directions or people I might call .... HOW the mind WANDERS!! Ohmy.
It's going to be in th 100s again next week. Big Sur, CA sounds grand at the moment. So ...ticket booked...to leave Tuesday early and stay a week.

U.C. FLARE is continuing to develop. Blood is back. Tummy troubles are back. I don't want to travel with these symptoms. SPECIAL ADDED REMICADE INFUSION TODAY. I may have developed antibodies against the bioengineered drug that has keep me in remission since February (Feb Mr Apr May June July - that's only 6 months). Or I may need a higher dose?
If the infusion works I will be THRILLED. IF it DOESNT work I will be lined up for more steroids and then a different drug to try.

Staving off Fear.
Steering with HOPE.

The walls are cruumbling around me in this apartment.
I move stuff to storage on August 1st.
I have the sense that BIG MOVES are needed.
But which ones?

I've looked to find a new place in Chicago to settle into, to buy even. Can't find it. Can't seem to say YES.

I have a girlfriend who reminds me how rare my YES-es in life are.
Yet I know how big they are when they come. I DO know how to say Yes. It just doesn't happen often. People Places Things

What do I like?
What do I want? to eat, to wear, to sing, to say...

And my "hungry ghosts" are always near, too.

I took out one of the Spark Goals advice pages





Get out of the gosh darn rear view mirror.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 7/25/2012 7:07AM

    emoticon Sending hugs across the miles. Love you. emoticon

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SCOOTER4263 7/20/2012 8:24PM

    You're in a rough spot right now - so many options, and none of them fit just right. Remember Mercury is retrograde, so (if you sign on with this system) any paperwork or projects started now will need to be restarted later.

Sometimes I don't quite know where you're coming from, but this I get loud and clear.

Bless you and keep you, sweetheart.

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BABY_GIRL69 7/20/2012 1:31PM

    Well I hope you find a place that you are happy with. In the meantime, go to CA & have some fun. I hope you feel better by the time you travel too.

God bless,


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KGWINDER 7/20/2012 12:40PM

    I can't believe I came upon your blog randomly because....

My guy is leaving for a year and I'm being left behind alone. On one hand happy to have space and on the other hand can I do it on my own?

I have my infusion of Remicade Monday (my savior) and I was in threat of not getting it in time to prevent developing a reaction.

but back to you. What a journey you are on. I'm thinking positive thoughts, wishes and prayers that your infusion goes well and that three days from now we can both be rejoicing in our bodies.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Pendulum - pleasures and positives - Keep On Keeping On

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Yeah... it's like that sometimes. ReAction to success... retrograde. Maybe. Or not.
Clothes shopping finished for a while. Still no shoes. But a Size 12 green dress.
I tend to react to positives by exhibiting some negative behavior. I've been that way all of my life.

Saw doctor yesterday for tendonitis. Dr's Scale said 173 (midday, clothes on, after breakfast).
This is the same number as it's been for months and months. Though, I've swung from 168-175 up and down. (It's striking to note that I do NOT dread getting on the scale in that situation anymore -- e.g. I pretty much know what it will say... though I admit I'd hoped yesterday for it to be a lower number). Crystal Ball? Nope.

Mucho Inconsistent behavior. TOM. Tracking only some of the time. Not much body movement.

It's okay, P. Just be conscious. What do I want? Set goals. Keep things simple. Do what can be done to move you closer to pleasures and positives.

I want:
1) endorphins and feel-goods from exercise and strength
2) the way i feel when i drink lots of water and eat 'clean'
3) to be engaged and enthusiastic about something more....

**About these things above, I CAN do something! **

I also want:
1) My skin to be smoother; 2) My mood to be more even keeled; 3) A vacation with a slightly cosmopolitan edge - maybe alone; 4) More money/mobility. Which means....________________?;
5) My man to take more responsibility. Worldly? Coupledom? Gifts? Orgasms?
6) To feel sure of my own Integrity....
*I have less control/influence on these. Hey. But some.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 6/30/2012 12:49PM

    Love, Love, Love all the positives and Love, Love, Love You!!! Celebrating your success. hugs. T emoticon

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MAMADWARF 6/30/2012 12:01PM

    Keeping on is a good thing...thinking of you!

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First ever Size 12 dress !!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My amazing friend Kristen was with me in the dressing room. I'm like a toddler looking into her face for validation, to see approval, to see if I should be can be happy about it.

Very You, she said. Leaning toward Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan Sun.
Don't have a bra that won't show. . .
Bought it on sale and brought it home.
Loved the feeling of celebration with Kristen!

In the air conditioned cubicle at Lord & Taylor it didn't feel "too snug"...
But home now with the real heat... and... yeah... it may be... too tight for sweating in.

Wanted to share the girlish moment of celebration with you all too.
Maybe I'll keep it? Maybe I won't. tbd

Not since..... high school? jr high school? the smallest since then i can remember was a 14.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLFRISBEY 6/25/2012 11:41AM

    Spectacular!!! You're looking amazing and hope you feel that way as well! So glad you decided to keep the dress, it's very flattering!

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BIGMAMAT 6/23/2012 1:34AM

    OMG!!! You look wonderful P!!!!!! emoticon Celebrating your success!!!! Wooohoooo!!!

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GOGOMAMA 6/22/2012 9:56AM

    Wow P!! Gorgeous dress and gorgeous you!! You look fabulous!! Well done my friend!! I love the look of pride and pleasure on your face!! :)

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KT-NICHOLS-13 6/21/2012 5:51PM

    You look amazing and that color is fantastic.

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GRANNYQUINN 6/21/2012 5:47PM

    Awesome , congrats - Is that the best feeling or what?

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1STMOMMY1991 6/21/2012 9:37AM

    congratulations!!! and thanks for giving me a goal to look forward to. emoticon

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RENCHERRY 6/21/2012 9:34AM

    I say keep it! It looks really lovely on you! Congrats!!

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ANNIEONLI 6/21/2012 8:23AM

    Congrats!!!!!!! You go girl!!!

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EVLOBOS310 6/21/2012 6:48AM

    Ooh, I love that color on you! You look great!

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CELLISTA1 6/20/2012 10:03PM

    It looks good on you!! Enjoy!

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IBSHAUN 6/20/2012 8:59PM

    That's fantastic! Way to go!

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BABY_GIRL69 6/20/2012 8:35PM

    I think you should be so proud of yourself! I think you look simply gorgeous.....God bless & continued success!!


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TALVARADO6 6/20/2012 8:10PM

    Great job! You look great! I can see how excited you are in this picture!!! I would be, too!!

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HEALTHYASHLEY 6/20/2012 7:51PM

    I love the dress and I love the look on your face. You look so proud and happy! Congratulations! I don't remember being smaller than a 14 in my life either. I hope a 12 is in my future!

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PATTOMMC3 6/20/2012 7:46PM


That is wonderful! You look great!

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TARAH85 6/20/2012 7:29PM

    It's very pretty. Now your should get a bra that can be covered (and maybe uncovered?)

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ILOVEJIM851991 6/20/2012 7:29PM

    emoticon emoticongreat job

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Injuries - Will NOT Derail me emotionally. They could. But can't let them!!

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Fix this!!!!
Just a couple of weeks ago ... I was feeling GREAT! I was on a roll! I was at the beginning of new goals.

P.s. Shopping for clothes is NOT therapy for me. Still overwhelming. Won't try that again without a chaperone.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLFRISBEY 6/18/2012 10:18AM

    I totally volunteer to be your chaperone next time you want to shop! I love it even though things don't always work out and sizes are different from one thing to another. You can do it, lady! Just hang in there and things will work out!

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Ups and downs and in betweens - June 2012

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Morning coffee. Slept in. Weighed in. It's Thursday. Wednesday is my weigh day. And I've skipped a couple. I weighed 173 at my infusion last Friday, shoes on after breakfast. My low weight this past 30 days was 167 a couple of weeks ago, before TOM.... and I relished resetting my stones and moving those few over, the ones that meant *below 170* for the first time *healthy* and not because of that winter uc medication mashup. . . which took me through March of this year.
Ups and Downs. Ups and Downs.

It's been up and down since March. I have a graph on my wall that charts it, old school style. Oh yeah... weight loss graphs have been in MY life forever. But this one is My Spark Graph, and I have loved and respected this one -- it has been unlike ALL others prior. I've had to add pages because I ran out of space twice.

This journey has not been about How Long It Takes. Rather, it has been about travelling ACROSS and DOWN. Across through time, with new behaviors, making them mine and inhabiting them for themselves. The numerical countdown is a consequence of those behaviors.... the graph doesn't have the power, the behaviors do.

Still, the graph and the goblet of black beach stones help me visualize WHERE AM I in my goals for fitness, where am I in my path back to the body.

And... sisters.... I've been up and down since March. 174-165-172-167-173-170-173.6 today.
This represents the up and down of my behaviors. Yep. That's what it resonates.

Some consistency. It shows that. There is some stability there.
Some acting out or caution to the wind. Eating past full. Grazing instead of feeling. It shows that, too.
Some exercise. It shows that.
Some sedentary. It shows that. INJURY - Tennis Elbow - Back Out - Yuck. f**k

I am no victim. Not even of the injury. Not even of the questionable chiropractic treatment.

Wow. That Maybe The TRIP I'm On Now. (I think it is).
Up and Down. Up and Down.
Loving it. Admiring it. Caring for it.
Hating it. Not trusting it. Wanting to modify it.
Pushing and Pulling and giving up and backing off. Rinse Repeat.
Man, even my HAIR has been irritating me... broken too thin unmanageable.

Freelance Work downtown the past couple of weeks has reminded me how HARD it IS and Always Was to take care of my self (food sleep stress eating....attitude) when having to deal with negotiating business and persons and shedules.

I want/need the money... so ... it's time to step up my game.... life can be a spa at times...but not n for many, not for long, not in general.

Being in a stronger more mobile body... aging as it is.... means having more energy...means FINDING MORE to DO with that energy and with myself.

((Food and withdrawing go together... dont you think?))

STUCK? Yeah. You bet. For a long long long time.
There's an article in O Magazine this month called "Decisions, Decisions" about a woman addicted to Opportunity (they say). I see myself loud and clear there. Ironically the consequences of the profile are not scads of experiences but a lack of them. **Must read this again.

So- Where am I now. Blogging.
Talking to my self. Talking to my much loved and much appreciated spark friends.

The graphs don't end at a specific time. The journey goes on and on....

YES - I want to move the numbers and the stones. SO, to do that, I will follow the yellow brick road here... I know what to do... Just do it... And track it here in Sparkville... (not Oz).

YES- I want to play tennis. I want to add a FUN FACTOR to Fitness. Fitness WITH other people. A "game" to PLAY into my 80's, they say. I want to learn how to torsion my body properly to avoid injury. And I will do all I can to do that.

YES- I want to enjoy getting dressed this season. I have not many clothes to wear. Enough to cover my self, but not to celebrate my body where it is. Or maybe I do and it's just attitude. Because I'm not sure... I will do a bit of shopping this and next week and find a couple of new things to add pleasure to the NOW of my BODY (not just holding on for more weight loss).

YES- There are other goals. A ton of to do lists. ETC.
This First. This First.
(It's okay, P. It's okay to keep this first in my mind).

More To Come.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 6/14/2012 10:09PM

    "The graphs don't end at a specific time. The journey goes on and on.... " Love this. It's not just a journey, It's YOUR journey. It's ours. And I am so glad I met you along the way! emoticon

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CLESSFAT 6/14/2012 9:45AM

    You ROCK!! Look at all the weight you have lost!! Up and down my A@!, you are going DOWN!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/14/2012 9:46:00 AM

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BTSYGRS 6/14/2012 9:40AM

    Thank you for your honest sharing. Reminds me that we've got to keep the "big picture" in mind - not just today's number, but where we've come from and where we want to go. It's not a straight path any way you look at it. Have a great day! emoticon

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