Monday, August 06, 2012
"... are you in some hotel room, does it have a view?...." Joni Mitchell quotes are never far from my consciousness, no matter how long it's been since I've heard them or thought about them. Hmm.
But that has nothing to do with the blog.
Where am I now? Update. Note to self and you my comrades in Sparkville.
Spark lights from the inside
Changes are made gradually, gently and BOLDly, with determination... clarity
Celebrating 165lbs and holding steady. Wow! Yes.
And needing/wanting to make progress in other life areas so long neglected.
"the wreckage of my past" (12-step vernacular). Inventory of sorts.
Employment/Accomplishments - uhhh nope. Resume, yes. Career, no. Hireability at 54 and after...? Scarey. Scared. MUST ENGAGE NOW.
Self-Expression/Creativity - helping others, yes. Me, no. Stopped up. Why? Dunno. Is it okay? Dunno. Start-stop with voice groups and jazz classes... the repeated challenges I run away from... dunno.
Status/Money/Management - What is reasonably possible. I keep postponing. Procrastination. 54 yrs old. Better reach for reasonable now instead of fantasizing. I am fortunate to be doing as well as I am yet it won't sustain inflation or aging... so must PLAN, set GOALS, take STEPS,
Making Decisions -
Stepping through F E A R better
Focusing on ME and not others - enmeshment and enabling, deferrment.
(I esp get distracted when I focus on helping/fixing Joe and it's another habit to break -- a carryover from trying to fix the parents to meet my needs, fix/help the friend/lover to be more loveable and to meet my needs?). Ugh psycho babble. Dreck.
54 years old.
I want celebrate something next July at 55.
PLACE HOME -- Must Move
Must remember to ONLY ACCEPT clean, safe upgraded wd and ac
(I have a tendency to keep considering lesser things that will hold me down)
Reaching for what you want and is reasonable.
Not just what is right there, or what in one's distorted self esteem (low or inflated)
Fat Girl thinking --
Dating - I lowered my standards (or didn't have any, really) because it was slim pickings of who would have me.
Work - Don't fit the picture, so why try? Lazy? I don't know why I didn't reach.
Artist Fantasy and day jobs met Boho getting by lifestyle, which met Midlife higher pay grade and more responsbilitiy but no identity or real engagement in it.
Hey... P... That doesn't mean it couldn't NOW.
Cinderella you ain't
Joe wants us to move to California near his family. (Central Coast is crazy expensive)
With the right opportunities (work, enigmatically affordable and lovely place to live) I could imagine being happy doing that. Yet those IFs just mentioned are rare and not present at the moment.