Thursday, June 14, 2012
Morning coffee. Slept in. Weighed in. It's Thursday. Wednesday is my weigh day. And I've skipped a couple. I weighed 173 at my infusion last Friday, shoes on after breakfast. My low weight this past 30 days was 167 a couple of weeks ago, before TOM.... and I relished resetting my stones and moving those few over, the ones that meant *below 170* for the first time *healthy* and not because of that winter uc medication mashup. . . which took me through March of this year.
Ups and Downs. Ups and Downs.
It's been up and down since March. I have a graph on my wall that charts it, old school style. Oh yeah... weight loss graphs have been in MY life forever. But this one is My Spark Graph, and I have loved and respected this one -- it has been unlike ALL others prior. I've had to add pages because I ran out of space twice.
This journey has not been about How Long It Takes. Rather, it has been about travelling ACROSS and DOWN. Across through time, with new behaviors, making them mine and inhabiting them for themselves. The numerical countdown is a consequence of those behaviors.... the graph doesn't have the power, the behaviors do.
Still, the graph and the goblet of black beach stones help me visualize WHERE AM I in my goals for fitness, where am I in my path back to the body.
And... sisters.... I've been up and down since March. 174-165-172-167-173-170-173.6 today.
This represents the up and down of my behaviors. Yep. That's what it resonates.
Some consistency. It shows that. There is some stability there.
Some acting out or caution to the wind. Eating past full. Grazing instead of feeling. It shows that, too.
Some exercise. It shows that.
Some sedentary. It shows that. INJURY - Tennis Elbow - Back Out - Yuck. f**k
I am no victim. Not even of the injury. Not even of the questionable chiropractic treatment.
Having THIS BODY.
Wow. That Maybe The TRIP I'm On Now. (I think it is).
Up and Down. Up and Down.
Loving it. Admiring it. Caring for it.
Hating it. Not trusting it. Wanting to modify it.
Pushing and Pulling and giving up and backing off. Rinse Repeat.
Man, even my HAIR has been irritating me... broken too thin unmanageable.
Freelance Work downtown the past couple of weeks has reminded me how HARD it IS and Always Was to take care of my self (food sleep stress eating....attitude) when having to deal with negotiating business and persons and shedules.
I want/need the money... so ... it's time to step up my game.... life can be a spa at times...but not n for many, not for long, not in general.
Being in a stronger more mobile body... aging as it is.... means having more energy...means FINDING MORE to DO with that energy and with myself.
((Food and withdrawing go together... dont you think?))
STUCK? Yeah. You bet. For a long long long time.
There's an article in O Magazine this month called "Decisions, Decisions" about a woman addicted to Opportunity (they say). I see myself loud and clear there. Ironically the consequences of the profile are not scads of experiences but a lack of them. **Must read this again.
So- Where am I now. Blogging.
Talking to my self. Talking to my much loved and much appreciated spark friends.
The graphs don't end at a specific time. The journey goes on and on....
YES - I want to move the numbers and the stones. SO, to do that, I will follow the yellow brick road here... I know what to do... Just do it... And track it here in Sparkville... (not Oz).
YES- I want to play tennis. I want to add a FUN FACTOR to Fitness. Fitness WITH other people. A "game" to PLAY into my 80's, they say. I want to learn how to torsion my body properly to avoid injury. And I will do all I can to do that.
YES- I want to enjoy getting dressed this season. I have not many clothes to wear. Enough to cover my self, but not to celebrate my body where it is. Or maybe I do and it's just attitude. Because I'm not sure... I will do a bit of shopping this and next week and find a couple of new things to add pleasure to the NOW of my BODY (not just holding on for more weight loss).
YES- There are other goals. A ton of to do lists. ETC.
This First. This First.
(It's okay, P. It's okay to keep this first in my mind).
More To Come.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Gotta get back to 160s. I'm up to 174. And... I'm saying it....
I want to lose more weight. I want to get to the 140's and see what that feels like.
I knew it would happen this way. Onderland, goal 1. 175 goal 2. 145 goal 3.
There are personal evolutions and changes that have to, do and will happen in order to make way for this. MACHETE in the jungle. Could happen. Could happen.
Shine Your Light.
Don't Dim Your Light.
Work. Place. Love.
Food remains a centerpiece of my enjoyment every day. That may not ever change. It is so for so many... right?
Relationships are f'g confusing. I will not... I hereby declare... I will not retreat to the cupboards and the fridge in lieu of feeling my feelings when they are so uncomfortable.
Work is elusive for so many these days. Including me.
I am afraid. . . . of BIG CHANGES.
And it may be that BIG CHANGES are in store.
If I hold c h a n g e at bay.... if i stave it off... treading water.... holding still.... (there is no such thing, right?).... then I doubt I'll be happy.
We've all seen the anorexic/bulemic tv shows where people occupy their every thought with controlling their diet and exercise. Dieting, even successfully, can, for me, obfuscate other things -- in fact, in order to be successful with diet/weight loss I have historically had to narrow my field of vision, certainly have had to block out stressors. Yet... I wonder... Do I need to learn acquire new stress/management techniques in order to move the scale down some more?
I think it may be.
Goal 3 - the weight wish is the easy part. Must fill in the other side.
There is more to declare. Why I have no idea how to answer it.... well... that may be the point today.
Anybody have experiences with how to get at other life plan goals?
I think I need help.
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