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Ups and downs and in betweens - June 2012

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Morning coffee. Slept in. Weighed in. It's Thursday. Wednesday is my weigh day. And I've skipped a couple. I weighed 173 at my infusion last Friday, shoes on after breakfast. My low weight this past 30 days was 167 a couple of weeks ago, before TOM.... and I relished resetting my stones and moving those few over, the ones that meant *below 170* for the first time *healthy* and not because of that winter uc medication mashup. . . which took me through March of this year.
Ups and Downs. Ups and Downs.

It's been up and down since March. I have a graph on my wall that charts it, old school style. Oh yeah... weight loss graphs have been in MY life forever. But this one is My Spark Graph, and I have loved and respected this one -- it has been unlike ALL others prior. I've had to add pages because I ran out of space twice.

This journey has not been about How Long It Takes. Rather, it has been about travelling ACROSS and DOWN. Across through time, with new behaviors, making them mine and inhabiting them for themselves. The numerical countdown is a consequence of those behaviors.... the graph doesn't have the power, the behaviors do.

Still, the graph and the goblet of black beach stones help me visualize WHERE AM I in my goals for fitness, where am I in my path back to the body.

And... sisters.... I've been up and down since March. 174-165-172-167-173-170-173.6 today.
This represents the up and down of my behaviors. Yep. That's what it resonates.

Some consistency. It shows that. There is some stability there.
Some acting out or caution to the wind. Eating past full. Grazing instead of feeling. It shows that, too.
Some exercise. It shows that.
Some sedentary. It shows that. INJURY - Tennis Elbow - Back Out - Yuck. f**k

I am no victim. Not even of the injury. Not even of the questionable chiropractic treatment.

Wow. That Maybe The TRIP I'm On Now. (I think it is).
Up and Down. Up and Down.
Loving it. Admiring it. Caring for it.
Hating it. Not trusting it. Wanting to modify it.
Pushing and Pulling and giving up and backing off. Rinse Repeat.
Man, even my HAIR has been irritating me... broken too thin unmanageable.

Freelance Work downtown the past couple of weeks has reminded me how HARD it IS and Always Was to take care of my self (food sleep stress eating....attitude) when having to deal with negotiating business and persons and shedules.

I want/need the money... so ... it's time to step up my game.... life can be a spa at times...but not n for many, not for long, not in general.

Being in a stronger more mobile body... aging as it is.... means having more energy...means FINDING MORE to DO with that energy and with myself.

((Food and withdrawing go together... dont you think?))

STUCK? Yeah. You bet. For a long long long time.
There's an article in O Magazine this month called "Decisions, Decisions" about a woman addicted to Opportunity (they say). I see myself loud and clear there. Ironically the consequences of the profile are not scads of experiences but a lack of them. **Must read this again.

So- Where am I now. Blogging.
Talking to my self. Talking to my much loved and much appreciated spark friends.

The graphs don't end at a specific time. The journey goes on and on....

YES - I want to move the numbers and the stones. SO, to do that, I will follow the yellow brick road here... I know what to do... Just do it... And track it here in Sparkville... (not Oz).

YES- I want to play tennis. I want to add a FUN FACTOR to Fitness. Fitness WITH other people. A "game" to PLAY into my 80's, they say. I want to learn how to torsion my body properly to avoid injury. And I will do all I can to do that.

YES- I want to enjoy getting dressed this season. I have not many clothes to wear. Enough to cover my self, but not to celebrate my body where it is. Or maybe I do and it's just attitude. Because I'm not sure... I will do a bit of shopping this and next week and find a couple of new things to add pleasure to the NOW of my BODY (not just holding on for more weight loss).

YES- There are other goals. A ton of to do lists. ETC.
This First. This First.
(It's okay, P. It's okay to keep this first in my mind).

More To Come.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 6/14/2012 10:09PM

    "The graphs don't end at a specific time. The journey goes on and on.... " Love this. It's not just a journey, It's YOUR journey. It's ours. And I am so glad I met you along the way! emoticon

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CLESSFAT 6/14/2012 9:45AM

    You ROCK!! Look at all the weight you have lost!! Up and down my A@!, you are going DOWN!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/14/2012 9:46:00 AM

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BTSYGRS 6/14/2012 9:40AM

    Thank you for your honest sharing. Reminds me that we've got to keep the "big picture" in mind - not just today's number, but where we've come from and where we want to go. It's not a straight path any way you look at it. Have a great day! emoticon

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Get back! No Ostriches (really a note to self)

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Another Wednesday approaches and I'm not back yet.
Last week sounded like a commitment. It felt like one. But ... What?

Injuries - plaintiff knees, ankles, feet. Wah!
Food - helter skelter.... not enough water...

Get back. Get back to where you once belonged.

Friends, this blog is for me.
Water 8 glasses a day - 2 x 32oz bottles (basic basic basic)
Bkfst under 350 Lunch under 350 Dinner 400-500
Reduce Snacking! (this is where we're off the rails)
Snack on carrots/celery with ranch... 1 luna or ww smoothie... Black coffee - WATERS

I do hereby grant myself permission to primary focus on diet and exercise again... even though i haven't made any progress with work and other growth endeavors. Yet... No ostritch head in sand allowed!

Money confusion/issues/problems -- many.
I do hereby promise to write about this this week and set some goals.

Goal for Summer Weight - Get to bottom of the 60's
Goal for Summer Exercise - 4 days cardio & stretch incl 1x tim + 1tennis and 1x other class
Goal for Summer Work - Volunteer at first slice, look into on line studies, look into GRE again
Gratitude - practice daily
Ambition - what?

Visit Jill/Sophie in June
Laura here end June early July
July/August -- Chicago - tennis, exercise, WORK search
Fall Work????
Trip to CA or HI

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 5/15/2012 7:01PM

    I like the way you think chick! The sky is the limit baby!!! emoticon

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MAMADWARF 5/15/2012 11:18AM

    That's a sensible plan..you can do this!

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AZMOMXTWO 5/15/2012 7:46AM

  great blog I agree enjoy your visits and keep moving forward

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Goal 3

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Gotta get back to 160s. I'm up to 174. And... I'm saying it....
I want to lose more weight. I want to get to the 140's and see what that feels like.
I knew it would happen this way. Onderland, goal 1. 175 goal 2. 145 goal 3.

There are personal evolutions and changes that have to, do and will happen in order to make way for this. MACHETE in the jungle. Could happen. Could happen.

Shine Your Light.
Don't Dim Your Light.
Work. Place. Love.

Food remains a centerpiece of my enjoyment every day. That may not ever change. It is so for so many... right?

Relationships are f'g confusing. I will not... I hereby declare... I will not retreat to the cupboards and the fridge in lieu of feeling my feelings when they are so uncomfortable.

Work is elusive for so many these days. Including me.
I am afraid. . . . of BIG CHANGES.
And it may be that BIG CHANGES are in store.
If I hold c h a n g e at bay.... if i stave it off... treading water.... holding still.... (there is no such thing, right?).... then I doubt I'll be happy.

We've all seen the anorexic/bulemic tv shows where people occupy their every thought with controlling their diet and exercise. Dieting, even successfully, can, for me, obfuscate other things -- in fact, in order to be successful with diet/weight loss I have historically had to narrow my field of vision, certainly have had to block out stressors. Yet... I wonder... Do I need to learn acquire new stress/management techniques in order to move the scale down some more?

I think it may be.
Goal 3 - the weight wish is the easy part. Must fill in the other side.
There is more to declare. Why I have no idea how to answer it.... well... that may be the point today.

Anybody have experiences with how to get at other life plan goals?
I think I need help.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 5/14/2012 3:34PM

    Brainstorm, free flow writing, get specific, set parameters, narrow down top goals, be realistic yet adventurous, plan on lots of rewards!!! You have everything you need!! Hugs and well wishes on your journey!!

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BIGMAMAT 5/13/2012 5:36PM

    Declare it. Map it out. and make it happen. Only you know what "it" is.

P.s. chop the hell out of the jungle with that Machete!!!! emoticon

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MAMADWARF 5/13/2012 12:44PM

    No advice but I have learned here that wishing it doesn't make it so but by stating a goal it changes everything!

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PARKERB2 5/13/2012 9:01AM

    You and I am sure you already know, have to apply some of the same techniques to other situations in life as you do for losing weight. A good thing to do is to involve a good friend in your goal and they can keep you accountable just like a WW member or a work out buddy. Hope this helps.

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EVERY DAY -- Gauntlet Time And Do the Next Right Thing.

Sunday, May 06, 2012

Gauntlet Time P. May Day. You were sick. And now with Rx's you're 'back-to-normal'. We've heard that story. So what gives? For a few months I've been waffling on every f'g subject, including my diet and exercise... and especially the way i spend my time. I felt lost without having weight loss be my "primary purpose"... and... uh... I gained some weight after mostly maintaining. Now I can ramp it up again and will. YET... Bookmark Here.... my "primary purpose" is still to be found. I'm only 53... and employment doing what I did previously seems not only elusive and unattractive but unlikely. So...? Jeepers.... Something must be done! But what? I need help here. And I don't know how to get it.

Still... Yes... I will be happy to say SUMMER 2012 --- SPARK is #1
I'm feeling so fit in my frame (albeit heavy today with bloat from a couple days of cocktails and splurging). I'm feeling different. I'm enjoying getting used to being this size. ... and yet I have already felt strongly that I want to be smaller.n

It's not that "normal people" never gain weight. Joe says he goes up and down 4 lbs all the time. For me, my recollection as a yoyo dieter is that IF/when I gain weight...that in the past meant...Oh No! It's happening (IT... an involuntary force?). Nope. THIS is Normal, P. You put on a few lbs by over indulging... and NOW we're going to CLEAN UP THE ACT and FEEL BETTER. -- Cuz... THIS IS KEY..... I feel bloated and not my best. And THIS is I CELEBRATE!!!

My instinct has evolved! I want to FEEL GOOD!

My heart and mind are not properly connected when I'm not honest with the way i feed myself. This is a gift and a curse. So.... Do the next right thing, P, EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 5/6/2012 5:01PM

    We are not the same people we used to be!! We can look at a splurge with a healthier outlook, we can get working and continue onward!! Go girl!!

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BIGMAMAT 5/6/2012 11:50AM

    Today is a new day! One day at a time. Sending strong positive vibes your way.

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Mirror mirror, candlewax and needing a new story

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

italian restaurant wine bottles with months or years candle wax layered in drips of time -- that's what i see when i gaze at my inner thighs - - -
In the mirror at the store fitting room,
in the fluorescent lights, with shorts on,
in the mirror so much bigger than any in my house
In the mirror
gazing from

Being In my Skin

Candle wax drips and Shar pei wrinkles

I will take a photo for my sparkfriends one day with more courage.

YEARS of inflating and deflating my skin. Combined now with the AGING that is JUST BEGINNING.

If I was getting fit motivated by 'body beautiful' I would not have gotten this far. (Cuz that's not a club i will ever be in, no matter what OR cuz that wouldn't motivate me anyway). So- Why did that experience with my thighs in the mirror Monday make such an impression -- cut into the tapes in so many ways?

Well.. Maybe many reasons. 1- Cuz I rarely look objectively outside-in... and in that trying-things-on mode... well... I'm hoping to LIKE what I see in a different way... i am not looking at my inner self.

Looking at the inner self in the mirror and in others may be one of the gifts of lifelong obesity and other social experiences?

So-- What of my INSIDES?
Well... I'm not feeling so good on my insides these days. That's the truth. And I'm not talking about my guts or colon now. I'm talking about WHAT MAKES ME TIC and am I? ... ticking?

Called a coach this week. Maybe I can get help setting goals for the inner work!!! (?)
Maybe my Spark success of the past two years can be translated to other aspirations, too?
My narrative with my weight has had center stage a long long time, even when I was avoiding it.
We'll see.
I'd like to make changes.
I don't know if its okay or not, not to. (Same as I felt about my weight two years ago).

And what about this?

Find the cute in it? Respect the time in it?
Exercise and Moisturize and
Keep On
Keep ON Keeping ON

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 5/2/2012 7:16AM

    I love this!!!! Youre right!! The externals are NOT the story. I love you wrinkes and all. emoticon

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MAMADWARF 4/25/2012 11:06AM

    Just like when I was bigger, I always focus on the positives. Instead of my huge floppy gut, I look at my calves. Instead of my melting was thighs I look at my neck, instead of my bat win arms I look at my butt. Things will tighten up! I have seen so many examples of that! We just need to keep trying.....

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SLFRISBEY 4/25/2012 10:31AM

    I am in a similar place. Who am I? What makes me, ME? I don't like the inside or outside and it's hard. Hubs is also very depressed. I think it's that we are just too harried. Vacation and a shrink are on my horizon I think... Hope contacting a coach is just what you need. (((hugs))) You are doing great!

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