PJH2028   18,518
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EVERY DAY -- Gauntlet Time And Do the Next Right Thing.

Sunday, May 06, 2012

Gauntlet Time P. May Day. You were sick. And now with Rx's you're 'back-to-normal'. We've heard that story. So what gives? For a few months I've been waffling on every f'g subject, including my diet and exercise... and especially the way i spend my time. I felt lost without having weight loss be my "primary purpose"... and... uh... I gained some weight after mostly maintaining. Now I can ramp it up again and will. YET... Bookmark Here.... my "primary purpose" is still to be found. I'm only 53... and employment doing what I did previously seems not only elusive and unattractive but unlikely. So...? Jeepers.... Something must be done! But what? I need help here. And I don't know how to get it.

Still... Yes... I will be happy to say SUMMER 2012 --- SPARK is #1
I'm feeling so fit in my frame (albeit heavy today with bloat from a couple days of cocktails and splurging). I'm feeling different. I'm enjoying getting used to being this size. ... and yet I have already felt strongly that I want to be smaller.n

It's not that "normal people" never gain weight. Joe says he goes up and down 4 lbs all the time. For me, my recollection as a yoyo dieter is that IF/when I gain weight...that in the past meant...Oh No! It's happening (IT... an involuntary force?). Nope. THIS is Normal, P. You put on a few lbs by over indulging... and NOW we're going to CLEAN UP THE ACT and FEEL BETTER. -- Cuz... THIS IS KEY..... I feel bloated and not my best. And THIS is I CELEBRATE!!!

My instinct has evolved! I want to FEEL GOOD!

My heart and mind are not properly connected when I'm not honest with the way i feed myself. This is a gift and a curse. So.... Do the next right thing, P, EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 5/6/2012 5:01PM

    We are not the same people we used to be!! We can look at a splurge with a healthier outlook, we can get working and continue onward!! Go girl!!

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BIGMAMAT 5/6/2012 11:50AM

    Today is a new day! One day at a time. Sending strong positive vibes your way.

emoticon emoticon

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Mirror mirror, candlewax and needing a new story

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

italian restaurant wine bottles with months or years candle wax layered in drips of time -- that's what i see when i gaze at my inner thighs - - -
In the mirror at the store fitting room,
in the fluorescent lights, with shorts on,
in the mirror so much bigger than any in my house
In the mirror
gazing from

Being In my Skin

Candle wax drips and Shar pei wrinkles

I will take a photo for my sparkfriends one day with more courage.

YEARS of inflating and deflating my skin. Combined now with the AGING that is JUST BEGINNING.

If I was getting fit motivated by 'body beautiful' I would not have gotten this far. (Cuz that's not a club i will ever be in, no matter what OR cuz that wouldn't motivate me anyway). So- Why did that experience with my thighs in the mirror Monday make such an impression -- cut into the tapes in so many ways?

Well.. Maybe many reasons. 1- Cuz I rarely look objectively outside-in... and in that trying-things-on mode... well... I'm hoping to LIKE what I see in a different way... i am not looking at my inner self.

Looking at the inner self in the mirror and in others may be one of the gifts of lifelong obesity and other social experiences?

So-- What of my INSIDES?
Well... I'm not feeling so good on my insides these days. That's the truth. And I'm not talking about my guts or colon now. I'm talking about WHAT MAKES ME TIC and am I? ... ticking?

Called a coach this week. Maybe I can get help setting goals for the inner work!!! (?)
Maybe my Spark success of the past two years can be translated to other aspirations, too?
My narrative with my weight has had center stage a long long time, even when I was avoiding it.
We'll see.
I'd like to make changes.
I don't know if its okay or not, not to. (Same as I felt about my weight two years ago).

And what about this?

Find the cute in it? Respect the time in it?
Exercise and Moisturize and
Keep On
Keep ON Keeping ON

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 5/2/2012 7:16AM

    I love this!!!! Youre right!! The externals are NOT the story. I love you wrinkes and all. emoticon

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MAMADWARF 4/25/2012 11:06AM

    Just like when I was bigger, I always focus on the positives. Instead of my huge floppy gut, I look at my calves. Instead of my melting was thighs I look at my neck, instead of my bat win arms I look at my butt. Things will tighten up! I have seen so many examples of that! We just need to keep trying.....

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SLFRISBEY 4/25/2012 10:31AM

    I am in a similar place. Who am I? What makes me, ME? I don't like the inside or outside and it's hard. Hubs is also very depressed. I think it's that we are just too harried. Vacation and a shrink are on my horizon I think... Hope contacting a coach is just what you need. (((hugs))) You are doing great!

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14-16 ? Target Fit #s 1-6?

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Tons of time yesterday in the Target Fitting Rooms. No clue. Had I. What size. What to try on. Summer is coming. And I don't want to spend $45 on shorts. THANKS to the fabulous finds at the Swap Meet organized by JENNKINCAID last month I have a few things to wear that feel extra special because they used to be hers. But I needed more... and so off I went.

Fitting Rooms. Those tags for how many garments you have with you. HA! I was a machine. And so respectful in the way I put things back on the hangers before trotting myself back out (oh so methodically) to switch colors or sizes.

How many things did I try on? Gosh. I have no idea.
I do know tht I kept going back and forth between the 14s too small and the 16s not right either. WHICH FIT # am I ? Jeesh!! THey have 6 of them.

Having been a PEAR forever, and still now though maybe less so... I always try on the curvy style... but for some reason the straight hip rise with full legs were feeling more comfortable.

Who knows? The extra flab and skin bunches in new places these days.
I'm clueless what I think when I look in the mirror.
I'm clueless what other people see when they may look at me.

I DO know that I should not wear short shorts.

Style? Colors? Colors beyond Black Gray Tan Olive? Patterns?

Small enough to have more choices.
New Shopping Challenges. Different Mirror distortions.

High class problems. No doubt.
Grateful to have money to buy new clothes. Grateful to have more choices.

I attended the Tavis Smiley Cornel West "The Rich and the Rest of Us" book tour book signing discussion last week. They are calling for a White House Conference/Review of Poverty in the US (its astronomical rise in the last 5 years) and how to change the tides.... calling it a problem of "national security". I was stirred by their passion. I was stirred by their intelligence. I was stirred by the rhetorical speech that is the fruit of those two things.

More than new shorts... I need passionate engagement. I need to become INVOLVED in something outside my self. My hills and gulches of mood are causing problems in my house... relationship agitations... energy clogs... and OF COURSE IT SHOWS UP IN MY FOOD.

Slipping and sliding these many weeks.
Behaviors . . . . with Food . . . . .
It's not just about the weight. Nope. Nope.

Between Sizes.
Where's my FIT?
Close enough is better than nothing?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MELLYBEANS0919 4/24/2012 11:27AM

    I am also between sizes which means I can't find any pair of shorts that fit properly. One squeezes and wont do up, and the other is baggy and falls off. You sounded very determined though :-)

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MAMADWARF 4/24/2012 10:58AM

    I think its more than just you feeling kind nor disjointed. I know I am too. Universal perhaps? Good for you for trying all those clothes on! Patience!

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SLFRISBEY 4/24/2012 10:51AM

    I love shopping... Target is so different in the sizes. One weekend we should get together and SHOP! IT's more fun with friends to lament fits :)

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KNEWMETODAY 4/24/2012 10:39AM

    I hope to be ready for such an excursion before long--not there yet!

Kathy emoticon

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so here's the thing

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

well ... maybe not THE thing, but... the current thing, something that occurs to me, and to mention... i guess:

knowing when to push. WHEN to PUSH and When NOT to Push. This is a universal conundrum, an ongoing life lesson, a balance beam.

My trainer talks about this dynamic in his own life and fitness practice, and he is an expert, an athlete. See...? You, I mean I, don't have this gray fuzzy thinking because I am remedial...it's cuz i'm human. AND... Yes... Being fat for the majority of my life, and having rote excuses and built-in back-offs and I-can'ts is baggage and habits to let go of....

You know what?
I think I've let go of the lion's share of the old fat-girl habits.
I think I may be in a new place, a place to celebrate, and yet a place to move on from.

See? that's the point.
Places to stay. No place to stay.

My body is adjusting to this 170#s. My skin and tissues and cells are reformatting themselves on to this frame. It's a good thing. Weird muscle spasms, and wrong recruitments, tendonitis or WHATEVER.... I'm working through these things.

I'm not focused on losing weight right now. I'm eating the way I ate with Spark the past two years... which means under 2000 calories a day, sometimes 1300 sometimes closer to 2000. But those high calorie days are when I indulge in liquor or sweets or ... cheese. Ha. Which... Im DELIGHTED to say... I don't crave or desire all that much.

Craving a sweet or a drink is NOT a bad thing.
That I can do so without opening a can of worms.... is AMAZING and WONDERFUL.
And... sometimes... yes... sometimes... I anticipate that it will be a problem... and create a problem.

I'm thinking suddenly of that Great Blog from MAMADWARF... the one when she brags about eating A cookie. Yep! yep yep yep.

So- Hey there ME
Good Going!
Keep on doing what you do.

Celebrate the body you're in NOW.
Move it. Dance it. Feed it. Water it. Swim it. Moisturize it. Take her for a spin. And then some.

When you are ready to PUSH for a lower weight and a smaller size... you will know! And then you will make different adjustments.

The body is different from day to day. Listen and respect her limits. Push them sometimes... but wisely.

Love More


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 4/24/2012 1:48AM

    You go honey!!! Love where you are!!! emoticon

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SLEEPTALKS 4/23/2012 4:11AM

  Such a fantastic read! Thank you, very inspiring! I will remember this today :)

And it's sooo good to re-connect! Have a brilliant day!

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KITHKINCAID 4/18/2012 10:03PM

    We can't push all the time or there would be no limits or boundaries to break through. I think learning to listen to your body is one of the most important things we learn while doing this. It's your life vessel - gotta treat it with respect. If the car needs a new part - we give it one because that's what it takes to make it work. We're no different!

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ANNIEONLI 4/18/2012 6:45AM

    Great thinking!!! And congrats on your maintenance!!! You will know when it's right to move on....I'm a firm believer in embracing a weight for a long period of time (as you saw on my page) and I think overall, it helps to keep it off for good!
You rock!!

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MAMADWARF 4/17/2012 11:27PM

    You are always so wise. And thanks for the shout out!

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KKLENNERT809 4/17/2012 9:31PM

    More people should realize this and we would have alot more happy people!! This is so true and it really hit home for me. Thanks for sharing emoticon

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TREE_HUGGER_87 4/17/2012 7:39PM

    Just wanted to say I really enjoyed reading this :D

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DIANITAH 4/17/2012 6:48PM

    I am very good at gauging this with my students (when to push, when not to) but I am terrible with myself. This was a great post.

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GOGOMAMA 4/17/2012 4:54PM

    I love this!! Sounds very wise!!

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GOGOMAMA 4/17/2012 4:54PM

    I love this!! Sounds very wise!!

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GOGOMAMA 4/17/2012 4:53PM

    I love this!! Sounds very wise!!

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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I'm having a hungry time these days. I don't know what to prioritize. I have resistance to much I set out to do. Resistance makes me "hungry".

DIETING is such a simplification of the day. So much thought into shopping and preparing and eating/enjoying and not eating and breathing and drinking water.

Can I walk and chew gum at the same time?
Is that even the question?

Yes. I want to lose 25-35 lbs. It would be nice.
Yes. I want to EXPRESS myself more. This season music lessons. Maybe more meditation and yoga. While... STILL working out, or better stated while returning to working out.
Am I asking too much? I don't think so.

I did not move house.
I don't know what to reach for. I wish Joe had more inclination and resources to fuel a move.
I'm a bit bewildered by my family-- who I have so little contact with actually and who I don't know how to increase contact with. I don't know if I am removed or if it is just how we are. We don't celebrate holidays together. We don't gather. We don't have rituals to return to. Marriages among siblings have been dividers. Ugh.

Daily Practice.
Monthly Focus.

Yellow brick road?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 4/1/2012 10:21AM

    Take a deep breath, and repeat after me. I can and I will. love you. T emoticon

P.S. As for the sibling thing, I can't add my thoughts because I am an only child.

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SLFRISBEY 3/28/2012 8:58AM

    Family is a tough one. We have talked about that many times. I know you will work through this, just like I am. (((hugs)))

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PJH2028 3/27/2012 6:10PM

    Work & Volunteer - Find
Sport - tennisinnotime? swim cardio st yoga
Meditate Some and Read
Sing Some for Nino
Community ?
PLAY -- Pick some
THINGS -- Pick some

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