Tuesday, April 17, 2012
well ... maybe not THE thing, but... the current thing, something that occurs to me, and to mention... i guess:
knowing when to push. WHEN to PUSH and When NOT to Push. This is a universal conundrum, an ongoing life lesson, a balance beam.
My trainer talks about this dynamic in his own life and fitness practice, and he is an expert, an athlete. See...? You, I mean I, don't have this gray fuzzy thinking because I am remedial...it's cuz i'm human. AND... Yes... Being fat for the majority of my life, and having rote excuses and built-in back-offs and I-can'ts is baggage and habits to let go of....
You know what?
I think I've let go of the lion's share of the old fat-girl habits.
I think I may be in a new place, a place to celebrate, and yet a place to move on from.
See? that's the point.
Places to stay. No place to stay.
My body is adjusting to this 170#s. My skin and tissues and cells are reformatting themselves on to this frame. It's a good thing. Weird muscle spasms, and wrong recruitments, tendonitis or WHATEVER.... I'm working through these things.
I'm not focused on losing weight right now. I'm eating the way I ate with Spark the past two years... which means under 2000 calories a day, sometimes 1300 sometimes closer to 2000. But those high calorie days are when I indulge in liquor or sweets or ... cheese. Ha. Which... Im DELIGHTED to say... I don't crave or desire all that much.
Craving a sweet or a drink is NOT a bad thing.
That I can do so without opening a can of worms.... is AMAZING and WONDERFUL.
And... sometimes... yes... sometimes... I anticipate that it will be a problem... and create a problem.
I'm thinking suddenly of that Great Blog from MAMADWARF... the one when she brags about eating A cookie. Yep! yep yep yep.
So- Hey there ME
Keep on doing what you do.
Celebrate the body you're in NOW.
Move it. Dance it. Feed it. Water it. Swim it. Moisturize it. Take her for a spin. And then some.
When you are ready to PUSH for a lower weight and a smaller size... you will know! And then you will make different adjustments.
The body is different from day to day. Listen and respect her limits. Push them sometimes... but wisely.
Monday, March 26, 2012
here i am.
shall i tell the story? or stay with the moment?
Shopping-itis... had me in familiar anxiety today. Had to come home.
Able to buy food. Yes. Able to eat food. Yes. Able to make lists. Yes.
Took a long while of unwinding and spinning and eating and list making....
to get to here
Where am I going? What is important to me? What needs to be planned? And what doesn't?
Doctor appointment - check
Apple store to inquire about file transfer IF/When new computer is purchased - check... but triggered...
Cappuccino to relax didn't work
Came home even though I was on track to visit old health club and see what their remodel did to the floor space for individual stretching and exercise -- I believe they may have forfeited that space in favor of more restaurant and nautilus equipment. will see.
Last month I seem to have proven to myself that a monthly membership at ETC (where I meet my personal strength training gurus) is not attractive to me enough. It doesn't offer the "spa" seduction... If/when I work out... I bribe myself often with promise of whirlpool and steam.
FRANKLY, .... My body is tired and sore a lot of the time... from exercise or age or whatever.
My little bathroom (tiny nyc style... near the kitchen) does NOT satisfy some of the self care water transformations i am fond of.... i think i may go back to old club after all.
Severely handicapped (ocd-style) in the area of researching and buying things. OMG...
OMG I am so very TIRED OF THIS!! I'm exhausted from it. Sick of it.
Having lost a lot of weight in the last two years has exposed now some other areas of crazy which also need transforming.
TODAY... I will declare it... I WANT TO LOSE ANOTHER 35 lbs
I do. I said it. I told the doc today. I'll tell my self. I'll tell you.
Yes- my toe is still f'd up. Damnit.
Yes- There are other areas of my life that need and could benefit from goal-setting and GENTLE STEADY PROCESS.
That's it. Really. BOTH AND. Slow Gentle Steady Process
Yes. Shambala Practice Workshop -- was VERY VALUABLE
Yes. I will stay with this trajectory.
Goal 1 - Meditate/Contemplate 10min each day or minimumly 4x week
Goal 2 - Take a Walk am or pm with or without Joe 3-5x week
Goal 3 - Define a Vocal Practice, Write it down, and then practice it weekly
Goal 4 - Future Planning - Let go of this some, but also vision it, loosely...? Get a quarterly calendar and let it exist in the space? Know what elements I want to allow in to the world of Future Anxiety / into Future Transformation of Anxiety to CONTEMPLATION and contemplation to OPENNESS to Direction and Decision.
Goal 5 - Read more about Shambala and maybe decisions
Goal 6 - Be kinder NOTICE the negative reflex of thought and speech ... and allow breath and redress with DISCERNMENT. I get to practice this often at home... Joe really gets the brunt of this. After me, that is.
Goal 7 - That's enough for the moment, hey.
Love my self.
Don't wooss out, but don't agenda too hard
See what comes up.
Answer the door.
More to come.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
contemplation is not the same as conceptualization
deconstructing mind is a tool often abused... and mine is sharp
"first thought, best thought"
i will i am learning to sway into the motion of that
less hesitation, less delay
I was given clear clear evidence that Joe and I were standing in a GIFT of a house we could afford and move into right away. And I hesitated, conceptualized the pros and cons and got lost in my own mind. Was I looking for a way to reject it? Maybe. Or maybe I was just lost. I was wanting to KNOW (what does that mean?)... It's like that joke about the guy who swims to far out at sea and prays for god to help him... but he doesn't see the helicopter or the boat.... and asks god why he was foresaken and god says "i sent you a boat... a helicopter...".
First thought best thought.
One unlearns that, perhaps, with addictions and impulses. Or with ptsd from crazy situations in childhood. WTF cares. THIS has nothing to do with the PRESENT MOMENT.
And THE PRESENT M OMENT is what we live in. Right!
Feet hurt. Am grateful for feet.
Am 54 years old this July. Am grateful for my life and experiences.
I was about to write down my weight and be grateful for my weight loss, then rejected that and hesitated to allow it to come next on the list. See? What is THAT?
I am loveing the weather
and the helicopter leaves dangling from the maple tree outside my window
and the song of the noisy bird this morning (and every morning)
grateful to drink coffee again - that warm caramelly flavor (even though i know tea may be a better choice for my body... somedays = okay, will go with tea two days a week - i promise).
I had a long lovely four hour meet with my lifelong friend George yesterday. He has studied and practiced meditation and been a member of a buddhist community for many many years. Even before that he and I shared a wavelength of conversation and connection rare in this life.
I am grateful for George and his wife Lynn, and for what we share whenever we do. In the wake of that conversation I pre-registered for a weekend workshop at Shambala Center in Chicago "Contentment in Everyday Life". I will let you know what happens.
I get udates about real estate almost every morning on email. Every day I still reflect on the feelings I did not act on standing in the house I could have owned (for less money than most condos in Chicago... with "all the things" I have said I desire... except for location). IT HURTS. It is rubbing up in my insides. I do not want to abuse myself with it. If I am meant to move on I should. And... I don't want to miss the lessons of it either. Perhaps there is a reason for the reminders.
THe better reminders HOWEVER are SPARK REMINDERS
DAILY PRACTICE DAILY PRACTICE
not rigid adherence. daily practice.
walk and move well.
I have much to do to inhabit these practices every day with more gusto, more life, more softness, more vitality. Every day.
And... I'm grateful for the budget I am filtering over time to acquire some material things which I have been postponing buying due to decidophobia and shopping-ocd. I don't know why it is so hard for me to acquire things even when I have alocated and saved the money for them.
PEFECTIONISM is kind of crazy.
I have determined that my life would be well enhanced by acquiring the following over time:
I may need help with these things. Or not.
I am grateful that over a period of weeks/months I may make the money available to do some/all. AND... I will (I committ here) to approach these tasks with a NEW vantage point. I will practice new awareness - first thought best thought - and exercise practice my way through what I THINK/CONCEPTUALIZE as a redundant pattern/"problem"/pitfall. Maybe I can make new experiences.
Move technology forward to facilitate more expression (not just consumption):
* Seagate external hard drive for home
* Ipad or Kindle OR
* Replace Laptop
* New glasses
* New shoes
* Learn and use Itunes
* Update ATT/Dish accounts and swap out dish box for newer one with dvr Or ditch in favor of newfangled boxes that allow for streaming Netflix... etc.
Pivot the axis of perception
ACT IONS small ones .... small ones.... add up to c h a n g e s
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