Monday, March 26, 2012
here i am.
shall i tell the story? or stay with the moment?
Shopping-itis... had me in familiar anxiety today. Had to come home.
Able to buy food. Yes. Able to eat food. Yes. Able to make lists. Yes.
Took a long while of unwinding and spinning and eating and list making....
to get to here
Where am I going? What is important to me? What needs to be planned? And what doesn't?
Doctor appointment - check
Apple store to inquire about file transfer IF/When new computer is purchased - check... but triggered...
Cappuccino to relax didn't work
Came home even though I was on track to visit old health club and see what their remodel did to the floor space for individual stretching and exercise -- I believe they may have forfeited that space in favor of more restaurant and nautilus equipment. will see.
Last month I seem to have proven to myself that a monthly membership at ETC (where I meet my personal strength training gurus) is not attractive to me enough. It doesn't offer the "spa" seduction... If/when I work out... I bribe myself often with promise of whirlpool and steam.
FRANKLY, .... My body is tired and sore a lot of the time... from exercise or age or whatever.
My little bathroom (tiny nyc style... near the kitchen) does NOT satisfy some of the self care water transformations i am fond of.... i think i may go back to old club after all.
Severely handicapped (ocd-style) in the area of researching and buying things. OMG...
OMG I am so very TIRED OF THIS!! I'm exhausted from it. Sick of it.
Having lost a lot of weight in the last two years has exposed now some other areas of crazy which also need transforming.
TODAY... I will declare it... I WANT TO LOSE ANOTHER 35 lbs
I do. I said it. I told the doc today. I'll tell my self. I'll tell you.
Yes- my toe is still f'd up. Damnit.
Yes- There are other areas of my life that need and could benefit from goal-setting and GENTLE STEADY PROCESS.
That's it. Really. BOTH AND. Slow Gentle Steady Process
Yes. Shambala Practice Workshop -- was VERY VALUABLE
Yes. I will stay with this trajectory.
Goal 1 - Meditate/Contemplate 10min each day or minimumly 4x week
Goal 2 - Take a Walk am or pm with or without Joe 3-5x week
Goal 3 - Define a Vocal Practice, Write it down, and then practice it weekly
Goal 4 - Future Planning - Let go of this some, but also vision it, loosely...? Get a quarterly calendar and let it exist in the space? Know what elements I want to allow in to the world of Future Anxiety / into Future Transformation of Anxiety to CONTEMPLATION and contemplation to OPENNESS to Direction and Decision.
Goal 5 - Read more about Shambala and maybe decisions
Goal 6 - Be kinder NOTICE the negative reflex of thought and speech ... and allow breath and redress with DISCERNMENT. I get to practice this often at home... Joe really gets the brunt of this. After me, that is.
Goal 7 - That's enough for the moment, hey.
Love my self.
Don't wooss out, but don't agenda too hard
See what comes up.
Answer the door.
More to come.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
contemplation is not the same as conceptualization
deconstructing mind is a tool often abused... and mine is sharp
"first thought, best thought"
i will i am learning to sway into the motion of that
less hesitation, less delay
I was given clear clear evidence that Joe and I were standing in a GIFT of a house we could afford and move into right away. And I hesitated, conceptualized the pros and cons and got lost in my own mind. Was I looking for a way to reject it? Maybe. Or maybe I was just lost. I was wanting to KNOW (what does that mean?)... It's like that joke about the guy who swims to far out at sea and prays for god to help him... but he doesn't see the helicopter or the boat.... and asks god why he was foresaken and god says "i sent you a boat... a helicopter...".
First thought best thought.
One unlearns that, perhaps, with addictions and impulses. Or with ptsd from crazy situations in childhood. WTF cares. THIS has nothing to do with the PRESENT MOMENT.
And THE PRESENT M OMENT is what we live in. Right!
Feet hurt. Am grateful for feet.
Am 54 years old this July. Am grateful for my life and experiences.
I was about to write down my weight and be grateful for my weight loss, then rejected that and hesitated to allow it to come next on the list. See? What is THAT?
I am loveing the weather
and the helicopter leaves dangling from the maple tree outside my window
and the song of the noisy bird this morning (and every morning)
grateful to drink coffee again - that warm caramelly flavor (even though i know tea may be a better choice for my body... somedays = okay, will go with tea two days a week - i promise).
I had a long lovely four hour meet with my lifelong friend George yesterday. He has studied and practiced meditation and been a member of a buddhist community for many many years. Even before that he and I shared a wavelength of conversation and connection rare in this life.
I am grateful for George and his wife Lynn, and for what we share whenever we do. In the wake of that conversation I pre-registered for a weekend workshop at Shambala Center in Chicago "Contentment in Everyday Life". I will let you know what happens.
I get udates about real estate almost every morning on email. Every day I still reflect on the feelings I did not act on standing in the house I could have owned (for less money than most condos in Chicago... with "all the things" I have said I desire... except for location). IT HURTS. It is rubbing up in my insides. I do not want to abuse myself with it. If I am meant to move on I should. And... I don't want to miss the lessons of it either. Perhaps there is a reason for the reminders.
THe better reminders HOWEVER are SPARK REMINDERS
DAILY PRACTICE DAILY PRACTICE
not rigid adherence. daily practice.
walk and move well.
I have much to do to inhabit these practices every day with more gusto, more life, more softness, more vitality. Every day.
And... I'm grateful for the budget I am filtering over time to acquire some material things which I have been postponing buying due to decidophobia and shopping-ocd. I don't know why it is so hard for me to acquire things even when I have alocated and saved the money for them.
PEFECTIONISM is kind of crazy.
I have determined that my life would be well enhanced by acquiring the following over time:
I may need help with these things. Or not.
I am grateful that over a period of weeks/months I may make the money available to do some/all. AND... I will (I committ here) to approach these tasks with a NEW vantage point. I will practice new awareness - first thought best thought - and exercise practice my way through what I THINK/CONCEPTUALIZE as a redundant pattern/"problem"/pitfall. Maybe I can make new experiences.
Move technology forward to facilitate more expression (not just consumption):
* Seagate external hard drive for home
* Ipad or Kindle OR
* Replace Laptop
* New glasses
* New shoes
* Learn and use Itunes
* Update ATT/Dish accounts and swap out dish box for newer one with dvr Or ditch in favor of newfangled boxes that allow for streaming Netflix... etc.
Pivot the axis of perception
ACT IONS small ones .... small ones.... add up to c h a n g e s
Sunday, March 18, 2012
you know the one...
the one who cried and cried at nursery school drop off
the one who hated camp due to homesickness ... all up until the last week or two and then wanted it to last longer.
f e a r f u l t i m i d f e r o c i o u s
last n ight at a friends birthday dinner i met half dozen women a tad younger than I discussing all kinds of things... up to and especially their kids. I don't have any kids. I have nothing to add. I listen captivated by the Womankind Ways... by the stories of how little souls are exactly who they are from the moment of birth. Stories of weighted clothing to calm a spacially challenged kid... other tactics for biters.... for won't-sleeper.... etc
The past couple of days I wake with "melacholy" (I've ordered "Dark Night of the Soul" from the library and will double check this vocabulary shortly). WEIGHT. Melancholy. Something.
Under a weight, not of flesh. And yet there is flesh.
I NEED TO MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I NEED TO CHANGE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
More than my body. More than my diet.
........... Break Out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need help with this.
M o v e m e n t (contrary to my habit.... even as I learn it more and more)
The idea image of stored too long
The forever waiting idea image
has recurred has permeated has stained stained
I NEED TO MOVE
I've been in the same flat for 20 years!!
20 Years!!! in a too-small, nycity sized flat ... while the neighborhood gentrified.... and while i was mostly a fat girl working at jobs i didn't identify with or care about, while i dieted and binged and therapied and exhausted exhausted WHAT ONCE WAS A PRODIGIOUS TALENT-potential -- the unpoet, the unsinger, the unproducer, the unleader uneditor un understudy undeniable
Stream of Consciousness
Sweep this up p u l e a s e
I can't mope around day after day
Yes - my foot hurts
Yes - I am a size 14/16/18, depending on what body part we're looking at
Ive got a bag full of 20/22's to take to a swap meet today
I AM 53 YEARS OLD
Turning 54 in July
Time for A Change
Do I know this yet? Paula!!! Do you hear me!!????
You must forgive your self for not Seeing GOD's hand in the house you maybe should have bought last month. But you didn't. You stood in fear. You didn't hear Joe telling you he could see us there. All I was was frozen in the doorway of my own soul, unable to vision
ANY PLACE is BETTER THAN THIS is not true
"There must be someplace else that is meant for you" people keep offering this when I tell the tale.
It's a choice, right?
It's a choice how we look at our lot. At our story. At our behavior.
I need to choose differently.
It was NOT our house. The fact that I dream it wake it and choke on it still does not refute that.
It was move in ready. The rooms and spaces had my name on it. The tub. The floors. The yard. The washer dryer. I felt it in my gut and I didn't hear my self. It stirred my soul, and I didn't recognize it ... as THAT....RIGHTness.... I MISTOOK IT deaf dumb blind to abundance.... I mistook it in the habit of fear and NO and hesitation and I'll just keep what I know.
I could not imagine Abundance.
This is my quest.
OPEN to the next CHanges.
More hygiene and beautification vanities without apology.
Open up to change, P.
I beseech you.
Eat less, chew more.
Move more, breathe better, sleep, Risk, Reach, Leap for leaping sake....
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