Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I just came home from another blood draw. Every two weeks a full blood panel has to be done to see if the medications I'm taking are causing any collateral harm. Ain't that a kick in the head.
So many changes. And.. Still BODY FOCUSED. But in different ways. And it strikes me as a cosmic joke. It strikes me as ironic. It is not poetic. And it is not justice. But IT IS.
Alice in Wonderland... has long been one of my images.
You know... the cake... the potion... BIGGERsmaller... smaller...Bigger.....
In recent years, that image was replaced by the more easy glib remark/reference to Oprah stated to people I don't know so as to communicate quickly, a kind of shorthand: "I've gained and lost 100s of pounds multiple times.... youknow, just like Oprah" .
But short hand isn't what I'm after today.
Today it's close up and personal.
The irony, i mean.
See... There's something so ironic to me about getting to a littler body (165 down from 230/45).. . and replacing the baggage of overweight with the carryingcases of infirmity and medical treatment.
Some fat people - me included - eat to GET OUT OF OUR BODY. It's like being divorced. Compartmentalized. Cut off. Bubblewrapped. Buffered. It dampens the signals between self and world... cushions the noise, the blows, the volume, the resonance... filters down the antenna.
Busted out from sedentary life -- SPARKED FOR 1.5 YEARS !! with "healthy WHOLE FOODS" and Exercise that is LIFE ACTIVITY and not a rubric agenda for weight loss... Enjoying the gradual and gradated peeling of the onion... the losing off padding and BEING MORE ALIVE IN MY BODY.... Less lumpy... and more vital.
And NOW... In the midst of CeLEBRATING all this accomplished....
P O O F !
*Moderate U.C. and Oral meds 2010
*Moderate/Severe U.C. -- steroid hell, and then advanced immunosuppressants with warnings
*HEMMORHOIDS (horrid appendages and unknown future)
THIS -- I am SURRENDERing to it (cuz there's no other choice, and the stakes are high)
Yet - Emotionally -- Emotionally --
LETTING GO OF ANOTHER LAYER OF FOOD PLEASURES....
LETTING GO OF Cinderella stuff
My U.C. demands a restricted diet. Now, I'm still figuring out what that means for me.
But ... Processed foods, sweet foods, and thoughtless foods.... NO LONGER ON THE TABLE.
Desire and Food.
As if it wasn't weird enough already ?
The health stakes make 'bargaining' a lot less.
But there is emotional loss. Need. Sorrow.
I need more hugs. I need more body contact from Joe.
And, so lucky am I, he is hearing that and offering it.
So lucky am I... I spent most of my adult life - single. 1/3 with cat. 2/3 solo, not even plants.
Now I'm living with my sweet Joe D'Angelo. He is a gardner. We have living plants and flowers all the time. We cook together. He is nurturing and flexible (in ways that I'm not); and vice versa.
One foot in front of the other.
I WORKED OUT WITH TIM YESTERDAY!!! And I was ready to push the envelope.
Yes.. my blood glucose is still f'd from Prednisone, and my heart rate goes up too high too fast. But I still recover well. And my BP when measured by docs is still normal.
I am still strong.
And there is LIFE to BE LIVED in acceptance of the given circumstances.
The wrinkles, the extra skin, the sagging boobs, the crepe crinkled thighs.... THAT I expected. THAT I was emotionally prepared for. But I had HUBRIS, my friends. I come from great stock and little family history of illness. 50 years of obesity and chronic yoyo dieting... with LITTLE IF ANY heart or other problems.... led me to believe that I was in-the-clear... that my health would always be with me.... at least until much later in life. And... uh... well...
Yep. Shi-F-t happens
THE ALCHEMY OF FOOD PLEASURES... for U.C. ?? I'll find some.
Accept exactly what is now; do not ask it to be different.
Breathe. Smile. Choose.
That's all for now.