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February Leap

Sunday, February 05, 2012

It's a leap year. Just checked the calendar. LEAP. (Funny word)
Its the "Year of the Dragon" , too.

Oct Nov Dec Jan - gone in a blurr of illness and fear and coping and managing.
(Illness does teach a lot, does separate and connect. Courage. And Tears. etc etc)

I'm so much better.
I met my new doctor yesterday.

Wow! What a difference the right people can make in our lives.

And I'm feeling "like my self" again.
I am almost off the prednisone.
I am invited and urged to resume normal life. Whatever that means?!

I have to and want to re-frame my diet goals --
I want to re-frame my exercise goals --

BEING HEALTHY is all I care about Today.
What does that mean? To me? Today? Tomorrow?

And there are other equally important intentions for my life that need my energy and attention to.

It's a Leap Year. Leap and the Path will appear?
You know... More will be revealed.

Will meet with nutritionist again to discuss my U.C. and also my Spark Goals.
What to do about volunteering, working, change of venue and house....
Big stuff. Big stuff.

Just SO GLAD to feel 'safe' (a relative term, indeed).

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KT-NICHOLS-13 2/6/2012 5:38PM

    LEAP indeed!
Happy to have read this . . . "I met my new doctor yesterday. Wow! What a difference the right people can make in our lives." I completely agree!

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0-60 - veg juice clean to peanutbutterbinge -- whataday --

Monday, January 16, 2012

Wth is going on with me!?
This morning I was making celery carrot apple ginger juice in my new juicer.
Feeling squeaky clean in the good and natural embracing way - not at all in a reform-school way.

And by mid/late afternoon, I was struggling for energy... tired.. tried to nap...
and then ATE MY WAY through to evening.
Wtf wtf wtf

I'm so f'g pissed about the loss of my safe haven of sparktastic patterns.
My rituals are broken. I haven't replaced them.
I'm anemic.
I'm through the worst of the denial anger and bargaining section of my Kubla Ross progression...

The up and down the scale of the past weeks nutted me out. Set me off. Triggered and undone.
Scale Scale emoticon

Oh... i don't know

Joe has been really cornering me on some of my negative talking and tude. I know he's partly right on. But I wonder if he's not being a little unfair.
Am I on the pity pot, as they say?
Am I just out of water.... ?

What can I do? Set it right? Again..

EXERCISE. I think that may be at least one of the missing pieces of my OFF RhyTHM
Gotta get to gym... no matter what gets done.
SUIT UP, P. Suit up and create trajectory.
Get into the world. Still no work and no volunteer plan. Find something!!!!!!!!

Make it work!!! P!!!!
Come On!!!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 1/30/2012 12:12PM

    Sorry I missed this!!! I hope things have come around for you since then!! I'm sure you are finding new strategies to work through your struggles and frustrations!! Big hugs!!

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BIGMAMAT 1/20/2012 6:43AM

    Tell Joe to play nice or bigmama's gonna come and straighten him out. hahaha. I laugh.
Don't stress over what the scale is doing. This is a time to rejuvanate, rest, and heal. Be kind to yourself. emoticon emoticon

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BABY_GIRL69 1/17/2012 12:43PM

    Going ahead & vent & then hit again tomorrow. Are you doing any extra vitamins? I am doing the gummies (sounds crazee a grown woman taking gummie vitamins) and actually I can see my hair growing a little & my nails are breaking like they usually do. I am going to finish up this bottle & the get citrate with extra c & d in them.

God bless & they give you a little boost of energy....


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KITHKINCAID 1/16/2012 11:28PM

    Hey girl - don't beat yourself up. I totally had a peanut butter binge myself today. Sometimes it needs to happen. And quite honestly, you've been dealing with a lot of crap lately. So feel the crap. Get pissed off at the crap. It sucks. I'm with you there. But don't eat to cover up the pain of the crap. You gotta feel it to process it unfortunately. Sucks large. But we're here for you if you need to vent! Hugs.

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It's Baaack - Appetite!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

A few days with no troubles. The food-lover in me wants to think "the coast is clear"!
But I don't know. We don't know. No way to know.

So interesting.... to me.... JUST HOW FAST it comes back ... the I want what I want when I want it.


I went shopping today and picked up my thin breads... soups.... tuna.... my mainstay lunches.
Hmm. These were my snacks for big big portions and sweet tooth.
How will I make up for that and substitute now? I DON"T KNOW YET.


So---- Yep kids.
I have to change my ingredients to suit the COLITIS handbook.
But I ALSO HAVE TO KEEP Managing my Menu and Daily Food Intake....


Toward a FABULOUS 2012 -- whatever it may bring

downward? I don't know. We'll see.
Just not UP - that's what I say.

toward forward xop

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 1/15/2012 8:54AM

    Glad your apitite is back. (I was worried about you...) emoticon
That, to me, is a sure sign youre feeling better. emoticon

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MAMADWARF 1/14/2012 10:44PM

    Awesome! Welcome back to the world of food!

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BABY_GIRL69 1/14/2012 7:13PM

    We will be the Biggest Losers for our health sake.

God bless & enjoy everyday!


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Body Talk

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I just came home from another blood draw. Every two weeks a full blood panel has to be done to see if the medications I'm taking are causing any collateral harm. Ain't that a kick in the head.

So many changes. And.. Still BODY FOCUSED. But in different ways. And it strikes me as a cosmic joke. It strikes me as ironic. It is not poetic. And it is not justice. But IT IS.


Alice in Wonderland... has long been one of my images.
You know... the cake... the potion... BIGGERsmaller... smaller...Bigger.....
In recent years, that image was replaced by the more easy glib remark/reference to Oprah stated to people I don't know so as to communicate quickly, a kind of shorthand: "I've gained and lost 100s of pounds multiple times.... youknow, just like Oprah" .

But short hand isn't what I'm after today.
Today it's close up and personal.
The irony, i mean.

See... There's something so ironic to me about getting to a littler body (165 down from 230/45).. . and replacing the baggage of overweight with the carryingcases of infirmity and medical treatment.

Some fat people - me included - eat to GET OUT OF OUR BODY. It's like being divorced. Compartmentalized. Cut off. Bubblewrapped. Buffered. It dampens the signals between self and world... cushions the noise, the blows, the volume, the resonance... filters down the antenna.

Busted out from sedentary life -- SPARKED FOR 1.5 YEARS !! with "healthy WHOLE FOODS" and Exercise that is LIFE ACTIVITY and not a rubric agenda for weight loss... Enjoying the gradual and gradated peeling of the onion... the losing off padding and BEING MORE ALIVE IN MY BODY.... Less lumpy... and more vital.

And NOW... In the midst of CeLEBRATING all this accomplished....

P O O F !
*Moderate U.C. and Oral meds 2010
*Moderate/Severe U.C. -- steroid hell, and then advanced immunosuppressants with warnings
*HEMMORHOIDS (horrid appendages and unknown future)

THIS -- I am SURRENDERing to it (cuz there's no other choice, and the stakes are high)

Yet - Emotionally -- Emotionally --
LETTING GO OF Cinderella stuff

My U.C. demands a restricted diet. Now, I'm still figuring out what that means for me.
But ... Processed foods, sweet foods, and thoughtless foods.... NO LONGER ON THE TABLE.

Desire and Food.
As if it wasn't weird enough already ?
The health stakes make 'bargaining' a lot less.

But there is emotional loss. Need. Sorrow.

I need more hugs. I need more body contact from Joe.
And, so lucky am I, he is hearing that and offering it.
So lucky am I... I spent most of my adult life - single. 1/3 with cat. 2/3 solo, not even plants.

Now I'm living with my sweet Joe D'Angelo. He is a gardner. We have living plants and flowers all the time. We cook together. He is nurturing and flexible (in ways that I'm not); and vice versa.

One foot in front of the other.
I WORKED OUT WITH TIM YESTERDAY!!! And I was ready to push the envelope.
Yes.. my blood glucose is still f'd from Prednisone, and my heart rate goes up too high too fast. But I still recover well. And my BP when measured by docs is still normal.

I am still strong.
And there is LIFE to BE LIVED in acceptance of the given circumstances.

The wrinkles, the extra skin, the sagging boobs, the crepe crinkled thighs.... THAT I expected. THAT I was emotionally prepared for. But I had HUBRIS, my friends. I come from great stock and little family history of illness. 50 years of obesity and chronic yoyo dieting... with LITTLE IF ANY heart or other problems.... led me to believe that I was in-the-clear... that my health would always be with me.... at least until much later in life. And... uh... well...

Yep. Shi-F-t happens

THE ALCHEMY OF FOOD PLEASURES... for U.C. ?? I'll find some.

Accept exactly what is now; do not ask it to be different.
Breathe. Smile. Choose.

That's all for now.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 1/12/2012 9:16PM

    Joe sounds wonderful. now close your eyes and recieve this... I big hug from me! xoxoxo emoticon

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SLFRISBEY 1/12/2012 10:21AM

    Change is one of the only constants in life and I am VERY resistant to it. I am so glad you are embracing the changes you need to make things work with the new diagnosis. (((hugs)))

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Occupy - blog #2 for today 1/5/12

Thursday, January 05, 2012

My sister-in-law sent this to me yesterday... Love it!

Occupy your (higher) Self. 100 %.

Occupy your heart.
Occupy the place where everything is connected.
Occupy your own rhythm.
Occupy compassion.
Occupy your creativity.
Occupy whatever is in front of you RIGHT NOW.

Occupy your feelings.
Occupy stillness.
Occupy the truth that you are good enough.
Occupy your physical body.
Occupy uncertainty.
Occupy the space in which you are never alone.

Occupy grace.

Occupy your OWN energy.
Occupy all points of view.
Occupy your intentions.
Occupy what makes You feel most alive.
Occupy your inner knowing.
Occupy a raindrop.

Occupy your dreams.
Occupy acceptance.
Occupy what needs to be said.
Occupy sound and light and color and space.
Occupy a sense of purpose.
Occupy kindness.

(breathe now)
Occupy your breath.
Occupy this inhale.
Occupy this exhale.
(breathe. now.)

Occupy the space you are most afraid to occupy.
Occupy gentleness.
Occupy your relationships.
Occupy the ether and the deep ground.
Occupy your truth.
Occupy change.

Occupy your deepest passion.
Occupy forgiveness.
Occupy the divinity of all living things.
Occupy your word.
Occupy the unknown.
Occupy your readiness to heal.

Occupy silence.

Occupy whatever is downstream.
Occupy tranquility.
Occupy the understanding that there is always enough.
Occupy timelessness.
Occupy your power.
Occupy your seat on the journey Home.

Occupy the mind that recognizes these words.
Occupy the eyes that see this grand vision.
Occupy the ears that hear this possibility.
Occupy the mouth that speaks only light.
Occupy the hands that long to share.

Occupy the You that lives to love.

Occupy this moment.
Occupy gratitude.
Occupy joy.
Occupy your fear and transform it into love.
Occupy. The beat. Of Your. Wild heart.
Occupy NOW.

Occupy your (higher) Self. 100 %.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PURPLESPEDCOW 1/8/2012 10:38PM

    very peaceful. and I love your background!

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BIGMAMAT 1/8/2012 9:26PM

    very soothing....

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BABY_GIRL69 1/5/2012 3:19PM

    I'm occupying right now!!

God bless & thanks for sharing motivation & inspiration with us!

Dee emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GOGOMAMA 1/5/2012 10:58AM

    Love this!

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PAWSINAZ 1/5/2012 10:09AM

    This is really great!

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