PJH2028   18,518
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PJH2028's Recent Blog Entries

I Love My Food

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Seriously. I do. From the idea to the shopping, feel, smell, slice, combine, menu, balance, cookery, table, presentation... ALL OF IT.

And... for large swaths of my life I ate compulsively, graze/binging my way up and down the scale over decades. Unconscious eating.

These two profiles I know --- e.g. the FOODIE and the "compulsive overeater"

This illness experience is bringing me a profile I've surely never felt seen or been before, and it is INTERESTING. Scarey at times. Instructive at times. Mystical at times. Interesting (to me anyway) ;-)

I AM DOING AS BEST I CAN TO PROVIDE GOOD TASTEY FOOD FOR BODY WHICH NEEDS THE CALORIES AND NUTRITION, AND FOR MY MOUTH AND TASTE BUDS AND EMOTIONAL PLEASURE TOO.

Because of my current condition, my DIET IS RESTRICTED DIET.
"Low Residue." Low fat. No fried. Little or no dairy. Avoid raw veg/fruits.... Absolutely no corn, nuts, seeds or legumes.... uh..... what does that leave? In a way... it's litlle kid food?

Soups
Clear Juices (pomegranite, cranberry, apple)
Cereals and grains (low fiber, lower gluten)
thin sliced turkey
will have poached fish (branzini) tomorrow
cooked restricted veggies
yams and potatoes
bananas (some okay)
fruit juices
soups
saltines
graham crackers
water ice


Cutting small bites on my plate, carefully chewing.... with the overwhelming awareness of wanting the nutrients to be absorbed and that What Goes In Must Come Out is an edifyingly stark contrast to the ME I have ever and always been before.

Tonite for dinner I had:
Perfectly cooked Carrots (disks) !!!!! yum
Perfectly steamed Zucchini (disks) !!!! yum
A few bites of Joe's Whole Foods meatloaf muffin (yum)

I ate soup and sandwich for lunch and drank lots of juice during the afternoon

At breakfast at one of our favorite spots...(where I usually order tofu scramble, or eggs, or "eggless wonder"), I ordered the Oat Bran Pancakes with some sliced bananas... and barely mustered the appetite to eat one of the three.... Cutting into bite sizes....
Hey...I've never been a pancake person... But this was like being a different person.
*****
I've reached the acceptance phase. The hospital staff and stay got me there.
Joe found a poetic moment to remind me today that there is Grace and Benefit somewhere, or even many places, in this experience. He looked me in the eyes (swollen with some tears at the time) and smiled that invitation and reminder.

Yes. Today I am my own hero.

When I'm in better shape there will be different nutrition suggestions.
I'll blog another time MAYBE to share about
HOW STRANGE IT IS TO FEEL SO WEAK, TO FEEL SO FRAGILE

But for now...
I'll just say good nite til tomorrow

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KT-NICHOLS-13 12/12/2011 2:18PM

    Much love and hugs to you my dear!

This line struck me square in the heart: "Yes. Today I am my own hero."

Be well my friend and be kind to yourself.



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NONIE_C 12/12/2011 9:17AM

    I am hugging you right now emoticon
The two modes of interacting with food that you were used to are my most familiar states of being too. Such a diametrically opposed duo, and yet both so real and all I knew.

Notice I said "knew"? When I had my surgery in Sept., I too became aware of a new side to my relationship with food. It was spurred by an acute awareness of what was happening with my body and by a restricted diet. I have no doubt you will (and have already) deal with these changes gracefully. You are a wonderwoman.

When you get around to writing your blog on the challenges of feeling fragile, I will be right there with you again. It threw me for such a loop.

Sending lots of love and powerful wishes for speedy healing.
emoticon

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GOGOMAMA 12/11/2011 4:07PM

    Hugs and positive thoughts for you as you work through this challenge!!

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BIGMAMAT 12/11/2011 3:09PM

    Sounds like you already have given it much thought and research! You my dear have the inner strength like NO ONE I have every known. Keep your chin up. Sending love and an abundance of healthy vibes across the miles. emoticon

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MAMADWARF 12/11/2011 11:10AM

    You are gonna figure this out and master it. I have no doubt!

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Getting The Right Help

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

My dear lovely spark friends,
I just want to thank you for all your positive energy and good wishes these past weeks as I have been wading through the unknowns of this illness and treatments. Ulcerative Colitis. Yep. After many tests now... I have been able to get in to see a new doctor whose communication style and toolbox is a little bit different... in promising ways. I will likely go in hospital for about three days for some tests and treatments. I'm told that hospitals these days have Wi-Fi... but I don't know yet whether I will be on line and in touch. I look forward to full remission and return to my SPARKY self ... ready to take 2012 on with new goals and MUCH GRATITUDE.

Love to you all.
xxo

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWEETNEENI 12/10/2011 8:59PM

    emoticon

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KT-NICHOLS-13 12/8/2011 8:11PM

    Glad you are taking care of yourself.

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BIGMAMAT 12/8/2011 6:55AM

    missing you my friend but glad you are taking care of yourself. sending positive vibes and love your way! xoxoxo T emoticon

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BABY_GIRL69 12/7/2011 10:40PM

    Sometimes finding a doctor who had new ideas & procedures help in healing.

God bless & enjoy everyday!

Dee

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DONNACFIT 12/7/2011 9:26PM

    Get well soon and good luck in the hospital!!

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BELLALUCIA 12/7/2011 5:28PM

    God bless u!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 12/7/2011 5:26PM

    What the hell? You are my second sparker friend who is battling the SAME THING!

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GOGOMAMA 12/7/2011 4:34PM

    Wishing you the best on this journey of healing!! Hugs!

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MAMADWARF 12/7/2011 2:17PM

    Hugs and ko

Love oaua
La. Hospitals all have wifi now. Please keep us posted. Let me km
Now where u are.

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MISSB8604 12/7/2011 2:15PM

    I wish you the very best!!! Can't wait for you to be back and well!

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SHRINKINGLULU 12/7/2011 1:15PM

    Get well and feel better! We're here for you when you're ready!

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Talking myself well... Surrender..... Body Mind Spirit

Sunday, December 04, 2011

I'm making no sense these days. I've just been whirled about by the slow slow and more painful than anyone tells you process of getting my UC into remission. I am so frustrated with the doctors' failure to communicate. And the powerlessness over my body is still a soul-shaking thing to me.

One of the most interesting experiences has been the self-talking and self-soothing through some episodes. I've begun talking to my body to encourage her to relax and breathe through, to trust and to heal. I get so fearful and rigid, and I have to breathe deep to make the muscles supple again. "Little body" I call me. I've not been this small in decades... and the world feels different - a bit louder maybe.

Louder. The world is louder without my pillowy covering. And so I will learn, with the help of good friends, to be bigger inside, to breathe deeper, to fill up my own space with SPIRIT.

The better to DANCE WITH .... !!! I say!! Right Jan!!??
Soon soon soon soon soon
I'm gonna get better... get my vitality back.... and then

I'm gonna kick up my heels
and
I'm gonna kick some APPLES!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 12/7/2011 4:35PM

    Love this!!! Very beautiful P!

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NONIE_C 12/5/2011 10:52AM

    I love this blog.

I love that you are driven to fill the space that was once your protective pillow with SPIRIT! I love that you are resisting the draw to re-pillow, so to speak.

I love that you are speaking to yourself with care, concern, encouragement, and kindness.

Keep It Up, Sista!!!

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MAMADWARF 12/4/2011 11:10AM

    Do not underestimate the power of positive thinking and talking. Kd never would have made it without a fighting spirit and a positive attitude. You will get through this but it will take persistance. I know you are going to be OK because you have what it takes. You will be dancing in no time. I'm in your corner you know!

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Gravity - Part 2 (a picture blog)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

So.... an OTHER thing about gravity and weight loss ....
The sag. And the illumination of sculptural perspectives.
It's about angles and visions. Selection and appreciation.

Joe took a couple of photos of me this weekend while I was using the foam roller to work out some hitches in my lower back muscles. They're doozies. They're different.

The aerial view that hides what's hanging are the best. They celebrate the new found frame (an Sparkaeological dig!!)




TheWacoal "minimizer bra" is doing a terrific job of smashing all that loose boobage into some kind of shape! Ha! I laugh. I appreciate. It's all good.

But...Hang on.... then there's the other view...
the one that shows the number of rings on this tree....
Having weighed 300lbs at 17, and then having gone up and down so many times (150-240) over 3 decades... well...

I make room for loving and accepting this too.


That's more what it feels like.
A lot of floating flesh still.
And then.... yep... ALL THIS FRAME... peeking through.

Who knows where it's gonna wind up?????

I'm just in it for the health now.
Though....
Pondering more about GRAVITY and LIGHTNESS....

I've decided to look into gymnastics or some kind of aerial class sometime.
I think it would be truly edifying. (No... I definitely have no interest in jumping out of an airplane!).

Spark Success --
-35 lbs 2010
-30 lbs 2011

2012 HERE WE COME --

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 11/28/2011 11:50PM

    Lovely pictures! Gotta love supportive bras and new sparkeological findings!! LOL!! Love your term! :)

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MAMADWARF 11/27/2011 12:28PM

    I think you look great a nd I too, love when the hanging bits are not so prevalant. I would not jump out of a plane either. Ever. Ever. Never!

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Gravity

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Hi there. It's been a while.
As some of you may know, my illness of thre past month (since September really) brought with it some weight loss. A different kind of weight loss -- sudden, the product of pain and feeling out of power. And here I am now... on the mend (hooray) albeit slowly, and SUDDENLY feeling some bones that weren't there.

I got to move my body this week. Today I saw Tim and did some ST.
Tim knows my body by eye maybe better than anyone. He really noticed the drop. And because he has his own history of body size (athlete, builder, yoga, and more) and emotions (layers of power and identity) he is a TERRIFIC interlocuter, and a great friend to me in this process.

I love you Free Hawk with Blessed Son. (inside story to this).

In the 170's. Headed toward the 160's. Wow.

THE WEIGHT and GRAVITY of moving my body is DIFFERENT.
There's a grace. There's a lightness. An ease. Even a floating sense. I am reminded of past moments in life (decades ago) when at lower weights I sensed THE AIR (the unbearable lightness of being, perhaps?).

So the pivot and opening of the hips to make an archer pull back pose moves differently.
My bridge has a prominent pelvic bone, and the sack of wet laundry that was my behind is not that anymore. I jest. I have a habit of doing that. ANd it is time to break some habits.

Joe can pick me up off the ground now. Not easily. But he can do it. And before it was truly impossible. And.... I don't like it. I don't like the powerless possibility. Maybe I will learn to like being LIFTED. We'll see. But today I'm acutely aware of how ingrained and a part of ME being anchored and so solidly connected to the EARTH is.

There is something to the WEIGHT and GRAVITAS of being LARGE that must morph now into a new frame, a new kind of power.

And I'm inviting it.
I want to explore it.

The irony of being sick now. The weakness I have today from being sick combined with the lightness, combined with the desire to be strong and stay on this path.....

That's where I am today.

And I breathe it in. And I breathe it out.
And I'm here with it. Here with ME. Here with You. And wishing wanting GOOD THINGS TO COME.

xxop

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 11/28/2011 11:45PM

    Great job being genuine and in touch with your feelings and with what is going on inside and out!! You are a beautiful and deep person and so much more than just an embodiment of outward regalia! Nonetheless, your strengthening of your outward frame seems to be putting some things into perspective for you! Reframing, creating, accepting, growing. I admire the work you are doing and celebrate with you! Big huge hugs!

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BTINTERNET 11/23/2011 8:55AM

    Great discoveries and I look forward to watching you explore it!

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MAMADWARF 11/22/2011 11:48PM

    Good things are here doll. This is just another hurdle. You will shift and learn. You will prevail.

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