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First Infusion (can it be working already?) - Whoosh - Goals for 2012

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Round the corner, round the corner.....
What a ride. What a season. Where did it go? the fall, the holidaze. Funny, what a gust/flash/seachange will do for one's sense of Time.

I grieved so much the past few weeks and months. Grieved that I am sick at all. Grieved that I didn't feel trust in my physicians. And then I took out my metaphorical machete and set out to get my needs met.

I've felt like a combination of needy small child and Ganesha the remover of obstacles. A combination of Chicken-Little (yes, "the sky is falling" one) and.... I don't know what.

I've always been this way. An Expect-the-worst kind of person. As a kid, taking tests at school, I always went in thinking to myself and projecting the what-if "I may totally blow this". That's been my style.... anticipating with big fear and then steeling myself with big metal. Although, I think maybe I've spent waaay too much time in the big fear ... without the metal.

Swordsman. Machetes. Steel and Stone... and Fire.

I've been reading a bit about Tibetan Medicine this week. Reminded of the FIVE ELEMENTS:
Air
Water
Earth
Fire
Space

And the three sources of illness: Wind, Bile, Phlegm.
It's interesting stuff. And it connects totally to some of the sensations and connections I've made while getting bodywork done... especially Thai Massage... yoga... the meridians of the body.

My lower legs, especially inner ankles get Blocked. Blocked in energy, and in water, in Chi, in flow. "Undistributed matter". Whether it's thoughts or feelings or energy... blocked up stuff causes trouble. WE KNOW THIS. (We overeaters... really know this).

I hope to gather many illuminations from this chapter of my life -- this COMING TO TERMS WITH CHRONIC COLON ILLNESS 2011/2012 period of my life. (For the record, I am told to count the beginning/onset of my condition with 2007's first presentation of proctitis. I wish I'd been more proactive back then with creative curiosity -- but I was typically just wanting it to go-away...)and

DESIRE - AND THE GUT
One of the many life lines in my palm and in my narrative has been a sense that I don't know my own wishes, I don't connect enough with my DESIRE. Volition is another word for it. Ambition is another. Appetite...(geneen roth)... could be another. Marion Woodman has some stuff to say about this as well. I've also been a HUGE PROCRASTINATOR. And soooo INDECISIVE - PRONE TO FENCES.

One thing an inflamed gut does... is talk loudly.
Live wire. Antenna.
One thing that being so sick does.... it disappears time to hem and haw on certain things. Some stuff just has to get done.

There have been and will continue to be lessons for me in all of this.
I am open to and desirious of integrating them all.

There have been gifts in all of this, too. There alway are. If you look for them. If you allow it to be so.

JOE, my dear kind, tender hearted lovely dp/"husband" Joe....
I have seen more of his heart and soul than I have looked at in a long time.
This time has brought us closer together in many ways. And I am a lucky grateful lady.

Weight Loss from Illness -- 182-161# (Sept-Jan) Whoosh
My trainer, Tim, asked me two weeks ago -- when I so fearfully told him how weird it was to lose 20 lbs from being sick and that IT doesn't feel good. He asked me... if I could allow it in any way to be a gift. I wasn't sure then. I may be able to do that now. I can tell you... that IT IS WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD in many ways. The more tactile bones in certain places. The just-bought jeans that are already to big. The resonance of the world, the too loudness of my pulse and my heartbeat (or maybe that will die down from the healing of my gut! i hope so!).

Being buffered and padded by layers of bigger body MUST have had some allure, some benefit. And seeing the ALLURE AND BENEFIT of this NEW PHENOM... well.... I'm inviting it in. I can't say I 'get it' quite yet. I feel timid. Maybe because of the speed.

But I'm still "fat"! ahahahhah 5'3 and 161lbs. On the charts (bmi and other) I stand to lose another 15-40, depending on which target you're aiming at. I DON"T KNOW WHICH TARGET I'M AIMING AT. I REALLY DON"T. That's all I'll say about that now.

For now.... Holding my Weight here for a bit sounds good to me. Other things are more important right now.

THESE ARE MY GOALS FOR JAN/FEB/MAR:

Get the colitis into remission.
Get rid of this Anemia!!!
Get off Prednisone!!!
Work with nutritionist to determine what I can and cannot eat (vis a vis the UC).
Work out with gentle yoga 1x a week with Tim... and work up
Get strong enough to exercise again!!
New computer and software upgrades -- get the home office together

That's enough, I think. Oh. No. Add this:
STAY CONNECTED. SPREAD THE LOVE. SPREAD THE SPARK. OCCUPY.

xoxoxxoxo

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 1/8/2012 9:24PM

    Ok, Now you are going to think I'm nuts but the words that stuck were, Chicken-little and machete.... Now I have this warped vision of Chicken-little running around saying- the sky is falling with a machete in his hand.... OMG.
On a more serious note, I feel your strenth and power my beautiful friend. I FEEL IT! emoticon

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SCOOTER4263 1/5/2012 8:26PM

    You're going through some heavy stuff here, not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well. And it all must be digested (intentional word usage) in its own way. SparkMail me if you want.
Karen
(Just don't ask me about home office stuff - unless its Mac. That I can help with.)

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GOGOMAMA 1/5/2012 10:55AM

    Glad to hear you are rounding a corner! This blog sounds like you are doing a great job of finding positives in negative circumstances and I applaud you for that!!! In light of the very difficult path you have been on, I'd say celebrate the by-product of the weightloss!! You deserve to have some joy after what you have been through! I love to see you exploring and discovering the wonders in the changes! You are so cool! Hugs!

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TAGSUIT2 1/5/2012 10:26AM

    I pray that you feel better!!! emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 1/5/2012 9:51AM

    Wow! You're fighting the good fight. It's not easy, but it's so worth it. I had to do the same when I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Different disease processes, I know, but the same theories apply. Get in tune with the body. Listen. Follow it's lead. Get whatever professional intervention you need along the way to getting healthy!

You're doing all of that. Good for you! I hope you can look @ that weight loss as a gift. I really IS! Certainly not the WAY it has been lost, but none-the-less.

Peace.

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SLFRISBEY 1/5/2012 9:13AM

    So glad you're turning the corner! Here's to hoping that the doctors know what is wrong and can help you get back to a good healthy place!

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What a freaking ride

Friday, December 23, 2011

Omg. There's no where to start. But I do want to say something here about the long strange trip this has been this Fall.

Ulcerative Colitis - diagnosis, treatment, mental adjustment, and HUGE CHANGES

I met with a nutritionist this week who I will meet with every two weeks for the coming who-knows-how-long. I am just SO fortunate that this SAME woman that I worked with many years ago for over-eating/eating normalization counseling (loved her, learned so much, haven't seen her in so many years), this same person has a thriving consulting practice with the GI Clinic at a local hospital, which means she has expertise with my NEW CONDITIONS! (godsend)

Trusting and feeling known right away is the biggest gift to me of this week.
There IS ongoingly and daily SO MUCH CONFUSION with what is happening in my body, with what is being recommended to me to do about it.

You know, the paradigms of the world don't find consensus on anything. So.... Deciding where to put one's faith (in a person, in science, in metaphysical other principals....etc etc) is always at issue. NEVER BEFORE HAVE THE STAKES BEEN SO HIGH FOR ME. AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A SEACHANGE in my experience.

I lost 15-17lbs at my sickest which included bad side-effects from medications.
Now the current medication I'm on messes with blood glucose -- distorting my sense of hunger and fullness, and often depriving of any sensory uplift from the foods I do eat. (Great, right?! Ugh).

The next medications being recommended come with mesmerizingly haunting warnings. And if that wasn't weird enough, absolutely no promises for success. It's more a "Its' worth a shot" kind of prescription, with high stakes consequences. MENTAL and emotional strain for this one.

It's taken me a long time to realiize that part of my anxiety and confusion was truly coming from an inappropriate LACK OF COMMUNICATION between my and my specialists. I lost my GP just weeks before all this started, as she left her practice to care for a sick child at home. It's taken me weeks to locate a new person from that office who can and will (she says) call these overworked specialists, cull the objective data and subjective recommendations for me... and then ON 12/30/11 I GET TO MEET WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL WHO WILL TAKE THE TIME TO TRULY EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT MY CHOICES ARE AND WHY, WHO WILL LISTEN OPENLY TO MY QUESTIONS AND FEARS. . . . . At least that's the hope/promise.

A family friend who is a retired physician said I shouldn't be in treatments I haven't fully understood and agreed to. And that strengthened my resolve to slow down this train and make sure I'm doing what's right for me.

I have taken out my credit card and am spending on this now. I am creatively seeking as much knowledge as I can - meeting with various kinds of health people (chiropractic, nutrition, massage, strength training 1x week to keep body awake and tuned). I'm doing so much at home. I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF ACTUALLY. I am using my good and wonderful noggin now to study voraciously and learn all I can. (It's a good channel for my focus during otherwise distorted days due to not-being-myself-physically... and for the the insomnia caused by the drugs I'm on, too)

My insides are not working properly!!! It's haunting. The drugs have stopped it from being daily pain and suffering. But the evidence of MALFUNCTION is very present all day every day.

Interestingly, I have some skill with malfunction. Being the fat girl for so long ingrained in me some adaptability to not being "regular". Now I get to channel that as a psychic advantage in accepting these conditions and getting creative with them.

SPARK taught me to get more creative with so many things. And I'm USING SPARK'S TOOLS NOW FOR THIS! I have to adapt my goals and formats on Trackers and in my heart and mind.

It's still taking shape, y'all.
I'm down to 167 lbs.
(it's been a roller coaster 183-163 and now a four lb gain in one week)

Losing Weight is NOT my priority now.
Maintaining this weight and GETTING MY COLON and immune system WORKING AGAIN IF POSSIBLE - THAT's MY CURRENT GOAL.

Rolling with it. What else is there to do.

Celebrated with Family tonite and yesterday.
My beautiful niece and sister. My mom. My half-sister and her beautiful daughters visiting from Milan.

*footnote Italian Pannetone and Parmesan and Romano carried to me direct from Milan. Amazing. Had to taste. And yet... not contraband, but not kosher on my new food program.

MORE ON THE NEW FOOD GUIDELINES COMING.
It's Unfathomable Almost to have so many reversals of what I can and can not eat!!!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KT-NICHOLS-13 12/28/2011 11:39PM

    (((HUGS))) to you friend. NEVER stop looking for the truth and the answers. Your will and determination to be heard and love for yourself WILL find you peace and good health. Bless you!

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BIGMAMAT 12/24/2011 4:39PM

    sending more power and positive vibes your way. and big ole mama hugs. xoxoxo T emoticon

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AMBERZADE 12/23/2011 1:59PM

    It sounds like you're doing a great job of taking care of yourself.

I hope you get some good information on 12/30 and that you recover asap.

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GOGOMAMA 12/23/2011 11:47AM

    Heartfelt hopes for relief of stress and symptoms and adjustment to the new way your body processes nutrients! Your strength and amazing acceptance is truly inspiring!!! Enjoy the holidays dear friend!!

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MAMADWARF 12/23/2011 11:04AM

    You are doing all you can and you WILL be OK. You can beat this, you just need to find the right combinations. Try to enjoy each day and also acupuncture or pressure has been known to be helpful.....hugs!

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I Love My Food

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Seriously. I do. From the idea to the shopping, feel, smell, slice, combine, menu, balance, cookery, table, presentation... ALL OF IT.

And... for large swaths of my life I ate compulsively, graze/binging my way up and down the scale over decades. Unconscious eating.

These two profiles I know --- e.g. the FOODIE and the "compulsive overeater"

This illness experience is bringing me a profile I've surely never felt seen or been before, and it is INTERESTING. Scarey at times. Instructive at times. Mystical at times. Interesting (to me anyway) ;-)

I AM DOING AS BEST I CAN TO PROVIDE GOOD TASTEY FOOD FOR BODY WHICH NEEDS THE CALORIES AND NUTRITION, AND FOR MY MOUTH AND TASTE BUDS AND EMOTIONAL PLEASURE TOO.

Because of my current condition, my DIET IS RESTRICTED DIET.
"Low Residue." Low fat. No fried. Little or no dairy. Avoid raw veg/fruits.... Absolutely no corn, nuts, seeds or legumes.... uh..... what does that leave? In a way... it's litlle kid food?

Soups
Clear Juices (pomegranite, cranberry, apple)
Cereals and grains (low fiber, lower gluten)
thin sliced turkey
will have poached fish (branzini) tomorrow
cooked restricted veggies
yams and potatoes
bananas (some okay)
fruit juices
soups
saltines
graham crackers
water ice


Cutting small bites on my plate, carefully chewing.... with the overwhelming awareness of wanting the nutrients to be absorbed and that What Goes In Must Come Out is an edifyingly stark contrast to the ME I have ever and always been before.

Tonite for dinner I had:
Perfectly cooked Carrots (disks) !!!!! yum
Perfectly steamed Zucchini (disks) !!!! yum
A few bites of Joe's Whole Foods meatloaf muffin (yum)

I ate soup and sandwich for lunch and drank lots of juice during the afternoon

At breakfast at one of our favorite spots...(where I usually order tofu scramble, or eggs, or "eggless wonder"), I ordered the Oat Bran Pancakes with some sliced bananas... and barely mustered the appetite to eat one of the three.... Cutting into bite sizes....
Hey...I've never been a pancake person... But this was like being a different person.
*****
I've reached the acceptance phase. The hospital staff and stay got me there.
Joe found a poetic moment to remind me today that there is Grace and Benefit somewhere, or even many places, in this experience. He looked me in the eyes (swollen with some tears at the time) and smiled that invitation and reminder.

Yes. Today I am my own hero.

When I'm in better shape there will be different nutrition suggestions.
I'll blog another time MAYBE to share about
HOW STRANGE IT IS TO FEEL SO WEAK, TO FEEL SO FRAGILE

But for now...
I'll just say good nite til tomorrow

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KT-NICHOLS-13 12/12/2011 2:18PM

    Much love and hugs to you my dear!

This line struck me square in the heart: "Yes. Today I am my own hero."

Be well my friend and be kind to yourself.



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NONIE_C 12/12/2011 9:17AM

    I am hugging you right now emoticon
The two modes of interacting with food that you were used to are my most familiar states of being too. Such a diametrically opposed duo, and yet both so real and all I knew.

Notice I said "knew"? When I had my surgery in Sept., I too became aware of a new side to my relationship with food. It was spurred by an acute awareness of what was happening with my body and by a restricted diet. I have no doubt you will (and have already) deal with these changes gracefully. You are a wonderwoman.

When you get around to writing your blog on the challenges of feeling fragile, I will be right there with you again. It threw me for such a loop.

Sending lots of love and powerful wishes for speedy healing.
emoticon

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GOGOMAMA 12/11/2011 4:07PM

    Hugs and positive thoughts for you as you work through this challenge!!

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BIGMAMAT 12/11/2011 3:09PM

    Sounds like you already have given it much thought and research! You my dear have the inner strength like NO ONE I have every known. Keep your chin up. Sending love and an abundance of healthy vibes across the miles. emoticon

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MAMADWARF 12/11/2011 11:10AM

    You are gonna figure this out and master it. I have no doubt!

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Getting The Right Help

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

My dear lovely spark friends,
I just want to thank you for all your positive energy and good wishes these past weeks as I have been wading through the unknowns of this illness and treatments. Ulcerative Colitis. Yep. After many tests now... I have been able to get in to see a new doctor whose communication style and toolbox is a little bit different... in promising ways. I will likely go in hospital for about three days for some tests and treatments. I'm told that hospitals these days have Wi-Fi... but I don't know yet whether I will be on line and in touch. I look forward to full remission and return to my SPARKY self ... ready to take 2012 on with new goals and MUCH GRATITUDE.

Love to you all.
xxo

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWEETNEENI 12/10/2011 8:59PM

    emoticon

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KT-NICHOLS-13 12/8/2011 8:11PM

    Glad you are taking care of yourself.

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BIGMAMAT 12/8/2011 6:55AM

    missing you my friend but glad you are taking care of yourself. sending positive vibes and love your way! xoxoxo T emoticon

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BABY_GIRL69 12/7/2011 10:40PM

    Sometimes finding a doctor who had new ideas & procedures help in healing.

God bless & enjoy everyday!

Dee

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DONNACFIT 12/7/2011 9:26PM

    Get well soon and good luck in the hospital!!

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BELLALUCIA 12/7/2011 5:28PM

    God bless u!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 12/7/2011 5:26PM

    What the hell? You are my second sparker friend who is battling the SAME THING!

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GOGOMAMA 12/7/2011 4:34PM

    Wishing you the best on this journey of healing!! Hugs!

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MAMADWARF 12/7/2011 2:17PM

    Hugs and ko

Love oaua
La. Hospitals all have wifi now. Please keep us posted. Let me km
Now where u are.

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MISSB8604 12/7/2011 2:15PM

    I wish you the very best!!! Can't wait for you to be back and well!

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SHRINKINGLULU 12/7/2011 1:15PM

    Get well and feel better! We're here for you when you're ready!

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Talking myself well... Surrender..... Body Mind Spirit

Sunday, December 04, 2011

I'm making no sense these days. I've just been whirled about by the slow slow and more painful than anyone tells you process of getting my UC into remission. I am so frustrated with the doctors' failure to communicate. And the powerlessness over my body is still a soul-shaking thing to me.

One of the most interesting experiences has been the self-talking and self-soothing through some episodes. I've begun talking to my body to encourage her to relax and breathe through, to trust and to heal. I get so fearful and rigid, and I have to breathe deep to make the muscles supple again. "Little body" I call me. I've not been this small in decades... and the world feels different - a bit louder maybe.

Louder. The world is louder without my pillowy covering. And so I will learn, with the help of good friends, to be bigger inside, to breathe deeper, to fill up my own space with SPIRIT.

The better to DANCE WITH .... !!! I say!! Right Jan!!??
Soon soon soon soon soon
I'm gonna get better... get my vitality back.... and then

I'm gonna kick up my heels
and
I'm gonna kick some APPLES!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 12/7/2011 4:35PM

    Love this!!! Very beautiful P!

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NONIE_C 12/5/2011 10:52AM

    I love this blog.

I love that you are driven to fill the space that was once your protective pillow with SPIRIT! I love that you are resisting the draw to re-pillow, so to speak.

I love that you are speaking to yourself with care, concern, encouragement, and kindness.

Keep It Up, Sista!!!

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MAMADWARF 12/4/2011 11:10AM

    Do not underestimate the power of positive thinking and talking. Kd never would have made it without a fighting spirit and a positive attitude. You will get through this but it will take persistance. I know you are going to be OK because you have what it takes. You will be dancing in no time. I'm in your corner you know!

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