Saturday, December 10, 2011
Seriously. I do. From the idea to the shopping, feel, smell, slice, combine, menu, balance, cookery, table, presentation... ALL OF IT.
And... for large swaths of my life I ate compulsively, graze/binging my way up and down the scale over decades. Unconscious eating.
These two profiles I know --- e.g. the FOODIE and the "compulsive overeater"
This illness experience is bringing me a profile I've surely never felt seen or been before, and it is INTERESTING. Scarey at times. Instructive at times. Mystical at times. Interesting (to me anyway) ;-)
I AM DOING AS BEST I CAN TO PROVIDE GOOD TASTEY FOOD FOR BODY WHICH NEEDS THE CALORIES AND NUTRITION, AND FOR MY MOUTH AND TASTE BUDS AND EMOTIONAL PLEASURE TOO.
Because of my current condition, my DIET IS RESTRICTED DIET.
"Low Residue." Low fat. No fried. Little or no dairy. Avoid raw veg/fruits.... Absolutely no corn, nuts, seeds or legumes.... uh..... what does that leave? In a way... it's litlle kid food?
Clear Juices (pomegranite, cranberry, apple)
Cereals and grains (low fiber, lower gluten)
thin sliced turkey
will have poached fish (branzini) tomorrow
cooked restricted veggies
yams and potatoes
bananas (some okay)
Cutting small bites on my plate, carefully chewing.... with the overwhelming awareness of wanting the nutrients to be absorbed and that What Goes In Must Come Out is an edifyingly stark contrast to the ME I have ever and always been before.
Tonite for dinner I had:
Perfectly cooked Carrots (disks) !!!!! yum
Perfectly steamed Zucchini (disks) !!!! yum
A few bites of Joe's Whole Foods meatloaf muffin (yum)
I ate soup and sandwich for lunch and drank lots of juice during the afternoon
At breakfast at one of our favorite spots...(where I usually order tofu scramble, or eggs, or "eggless wonder"), I ordered the Oat Bran Pancakes with some sliced bananas... and barely mustered the appetite to eat one of the three.... Cutting into bite sizes....
Hey...I've never been a pancake person... But this was like being a different person.
I've reached the acceptance phase. The hospital staff and stay got me there.
Joe found a poetic moment to remind me today that there is Grace and Benefit somewhere, or even many places, in this experience. He looked me in the eyes (swollen with some tears at the time) and smiled that invitation and reminder.
Yes. Today I am my own hero.
When I'm in better shape there will be different nutrition suggestions.
I'll blog another time MAYBE to share about
HOW STRANGE IT IS TO FEEL SO WEAK, TO FEEL SO FRAGILE
But for now...
I'll just say good nite til tomorrow