Monday, November 07, 2011
The Cobbler's Children - Stone Soup - Button button who's got the button
I keep reaching (shadow-boxing style) for MORE but I have no idea How much is enough, or How much I can have! Actually, the only 'more' i'm reaching for is the punching of this burlap bag I've got myself in. I want to come out!
Over-eating like all substance patterns dumbs down one's world.... it invites isolation.
I've grown and accomplished and coped with demands over the years.
Like being on a LIFE DIET. Restricted.
Am I afraid? ...that
I want more than what I can have. So my answer is to want less. To want ... nothing?
(This is an obvious analysis knowing from various therapists that I was "not properly seen" as a child... yadda yadda yadda... wtf).
Scale down. Scale down. Make it impossible to fail. These are not winning strategies.
REACH for the stars. SHINE your light. That's what winning striving living breathing energy does.
And so.... This old lady says.... Can I change? Can I ? How can I? What can I do?
The scarcity:abundance dynamics of OBESITY and EATING disorders are fascinating and compelling. The saturation / volume of people with these problems today is probably not so much coincidence (culturally there is something 'in the water'). I can't write about this.
I have often wondered if there is a FAT GIRL BOOK, or Done Being the Fat Girl Book, or a more family counseling oriented book about how BEING FAT impacts FAMILIES.
I write well. So I'm told. I would need a mentor and an editor to frame a project and follow through. Maybe a collaborateur.
I need work. My resume seems to have expired. I don't know what to look for or how to present myself.
What do I want?
I no longer want kids.
I no longer want to renovate a house.
I do want to nest and make a better quality home than the too-scrappy hovel i've rented for an embarrassingly long time. (long enough to be like too many cats).
I want to be smaller, to be lighter, to be healthier. To be happier. The smaller and healthier I am making great strides with over the past more than a year.
It's been a lifetime of false starts. Or. No. A lifetime of not getting it.
Am I getting it now? I'm getting more of it I think.
There's more than getting smaller and healthier.
PART OF THE PROCESS is/ must be/ seems to be.................................
EMBODY-ING BETTER AND MORE HUMBLY AUTHENTICALLY TRULY MY SOUL.
The Alice-in-Wonderland distortions of decades are tired, are done. There's no hat to put on or off, nor any red shoes to click.
My best friend through word of mouth found a GREAT CONDO this past month. I helped a bit with the move this weekend. I am thrilled for her! Truly. Deeply.
And I am STUNNED into Desire and wistfulness and the lack and limitation that has been my normal for so long.
Japanese women and their feet?
Bonsai trees and their wires?
I did not follow through on my musical aspirations.
I did not follow through on my writing aspirations.
I did not follow through on my counseling abilities which could be aspirations.
I shied away from people. I did not aspire.
I love to inspire and to collaborate. I want to make more of an positive impact in my world.
There's a job I should apply for this month. I've forgotton how to write a cover letter. I'm sure my resume needs revision. I've never taken the GRE. I have ulcerative colitis and am off for another colonoscopy on Wednesday.
Where does the time go?
I AM GOING TO ROCK THIS THING
Thursday, November 03, 2011
"When you stand still, you reject the struggle, and you refuse to change and grow. Ultimately, you reject fulfillment, happiness, the dance for joy and everything else that is eternally good."
~Matthew Kelly, classical actor and game show host
"I do not believe in stagnating; I believe in embracing and affecting change. I am becoming the kind of person who has as much love and passion for herself as for others. I have been sparked and my flame shines oh so brightly!!!
Don't fear your light!!! " -- NonieC, SparkedPerson Spark friend
Sunday, October 23, 2011
BMR 1491 lightly active (5'4", 53yrs, 182lbs)
If I want to lose a pound a week I need a deficit of 3500/wk.
How to get there? And does this sound right or wrong to you wise Sparkfriend comrades?
*Eating 1491 daily means wt loss has to be ALL exercise
*3500/ 350 means 10 days of exercise for every pound
*OR REDUCE INTAKE TO 1200/day means
290 credit per day x 7 = 2030 wk
With additional 1500/week needed from exercise 1500/350 =
DEFICIT OF 3500/week = 1 LB
***I need a burn of 375 per session with minimum of 4 sessions per week to make 1500/wk
375 x 4 = 1500
***I need to eat LESS 1205 calories a day to make deficit of 2000/wk
***1491 minus 286 means a calorie intake of 1205/calories day
Calorie Allotment 1205/day
Leaves 165 for snacks
Right? Wrong? Jiggle it? Let me know if this makes sense for a JumpStart
FIRE IT UP or CRAZYTALK?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Love love love Mamadwarf's blog from today!
I want to remember what I wrote back to her today, so here it is:
Gosh! Thanks for this! YOU fired me up!!
"Am I gonna just sit and rub 2 sticks together, hoping someone comes by with a lighter?; Am I going to sit and warm my hands by someone else's fire or am I gonna build my own? "
Love these. And all too too true.
Reading of Holly and Kathkincaid and others' big spark successes has kept me believing that I can do it too. But it hasn't FIRED ME UP directly enough to build and tend my own fire.
We know how to do it, Jan. We lost a lot of weight last year with a steady tended fire. So....
Rallying Cries not commisseration here!
I have all kinds of reasons to explain the "plateau" (not a plateau because it's really been an up down up down up down) of the past months.
I WANT TO LOSE MORE WEIGHT.
That means GOALS FOCUSED SPARKing -- eating right, eating less, moving more, and moving EVEN MORE because this lighter body can do more.
"Changing it up" at this new starting point may mean output at a higher level than I've been willing to manage.
Well... Are we ready and willing to STEP UP NOW
Step up to what WE ARE INDEED CAPABLE OF NOW!!!
I tried on some old clothes yesterday. They fit. I celebrated and at the same time was taken aback.
I WANT TO STEP UP INTO THE LIGHT AND DANCE OF POSSIBILITIES
Letting go of old familiar tunes.
Are you with me?
I'm with you!
Let's not shy away from OUTPUT AT A HIGHER LEVEL
Yesterday, talking to my friend Mark (i wish I had had a dictaphone so i could transcribe it in full), I discussed what I thought this season's yoyoing has been about:
I've been celebrating how far I've come with Spark so far. I've been through varied evolutions with the positive feedback from friends and family, from the closet and from the mirror. AND... AT THE SAME TIME... 100% focus on my Spark Goals has not been authorized by me because there are gaps in my focus on other life needs. Last year, the full throttle focus on Spark made inattention to financial and work and other issues "okay" with me. These past many months I've not been able to get those things out of my mind. Hmmm...
I've been in one or another WEIGHT NARRATIVE for most all of my life. It obfuscated college. It obfuscated childhood. It obfuscated or overran what romantic and creative endeavors I've entertained and enriched. It's been the loudest voice in the room, for all of my days and nights.
Is part of what I'm experiencing... a desire to put weight in perspective. To "normalize"? Am I doing this prematurely?
The sudden concern with WHAT TO WEAR (suddenly including not only what fits, but now what fits including more....) has opened a can of worms.
And the run/walking plus strength-training is NO LONGER ENOUGH to lose weight.
* I have to cut calories and/or increase exercise.
* I have to put this first in my priorities ... AND
* I have to simultaneously whittle down a goals/rewards list for other topics
Letting the other topics be an amorphic undescribed Mass and Monster of feared what-ifs... THIS is what may be shutting down the progress, too.
Tend the fire.
Celebrate the fire.
Fan the fire.
Keep the fire.
THANKS and LOVE.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I clipped this list from MICHCLEARY's Blog of August 30, 2011. I liked it so much that I printed it. Now I want to put it somewhere where I can find it again, and I think some of you may really like it too. So here it is:
TOP TWENTY TIPS learned along the way (from MICHCLEARY)
1. If your diet is poor your progress will be slow. Eat healthy.
2. Canít is a state of mind that I wonít entertainÖ and neither should you.
3. You get out of it what you put into it Ė donít do it halfway.
4. The two words that I say have impacted my journey the most Ė honesty and ownership. Stop blaming others and be honest about what you are eating and whether or not you are working out.
5. Youíre going to have ups and downs during your journey and that is not a license to quit, whine, or complain.
6. There is no license to quit.
7. Donít tie your success to any one person. If your friends or family quit Ė you keep going.
8. Donít be afraid to go against the grain and bring your own food to an event.
9. Overcome setbacks- we all have them because no oneís journey is perfect. Focusing on the setback doesnít help you progress.
10. Negativity isnít an asset, and will slow your progress. Let that go.
11. Being embarrassed about your size or lack of knowledge at the gym is a waste of time. You have just as much right to be at the gym as thin people and you have a great opportunity to learn.
12. Whining wastes oxygen. Trust me I know Ė Iíve wasted plenty.
13. Make it fun Ė when my trainer scheduled me for an appointment one week before Christmas, I wore Grinch pajamas to my training .
14. Shortcuts only put you farther behind. There are no short cuts on a journey worth taking.
15. Spot reduction doesnít exist in our space time continuum.
16. Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. (Henry Ford)
17. Saying I donít have time is the same thing as saying I donít want to.
18. Change is a good thing Ė vary your routine on a regular basis.
19. Incorporate flexibility into your thinking and lose the all or nothing mentality.
20. If you fall off the wagon, get on the horse Ė quickly and ride for help!
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