PJH2028   18,695
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Gravity - Part 2 (a picture blog)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

So.... an OTHER thing about gravity and weight loss ....
The sag. And the illumination of sculptural perspectives.
It's about angles and visions. Selection and appreciation.

Joe took a couple of photos of me this weekend while I was using the foam roller to work out some hitches in my lower back muscles. They're doozies. They're different.

The aerial view that hides what's hanging are the best. They celebrate the new found frame (an Sparkaeological dig!!)

TheWacoal "minimizer bra" is doing a terrific job of smashing all that loose boobage into some kind of shape! Ha! I laugh. I appreciate. It's all good.

But...Hang on.... then there's the other view...
the one that shows the number of rings on this tree....
Having weighed 300lbs at 17, and then having gone up and down so many times (150-240) over 3 decades... well...

I make room for loving and accepting this too.

That's more what it feels like.
A lot of floating flesh still.
And then.... yep... ALL THIS FRAME... peeking through.

Who knows where it's gonna wind up?????

I'm just in it for the health now.
Pondering more about GRAVITY and LIGHTNESS....

I've decided to look into gymnastics or some kind of aerial class sometime.
I think it would be truly edifying. (No... I definitely have no interest in jumping out of an airplane!).

Spark Success --
-35 lbs 2010
-30 lbs 2011

2012 HERE WE COME --

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 11/28/2011 11:50PM

    Lovely pictures! Gotta love supportive bras and new sparkeological findings!! LOL!! Love your term! :)

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MAMADWARF 11/27/2011 12:28PM

    I think you look great a nd I too, love when the hanging bits are not so prevalant. I would not jump out of a plane either. Ever. Ever. Never!

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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Hi there. It's been a while.
As some of you may know, my illness of thre past month (since September really) brought with it some weight loss. A different kind of weight loss -- sudden, the product of pain and feeling out of power. And here I am now... on the mend (hooray) albeit slowly, and SUDDENLY feeling some bones that weren't there.

I got to move my body this week. Today I saw Tim and did some ST.
Tim knows my body by eye maybe better than anyone. He really noticed the drop. And because he has his own history of body size (athlete, builder, yoga, and more) and emotions (layers of power and identity) he is a TERRIFIC interlocuter, and a great friend to me in this process.

I love you Free Hawk with Blessed Son. (inside story to this).

In the 170's. Headed toward the 160's. Wow.

THE WEIGHT and GRAVITY of moving my body is DIFFERENT.
There's a grace. There's a lightness. An ease. Even a floating sense. I am reminded of past moments in life (decades ago) when at lower weights I sensed THE AIR (the unbearable lightness of being, perhaps?).

So the pivot and opening of the hips to make an archer pull back pose moves differently.
My bridge has a prominent pelvic bone, and the sack of wet laundry that was my behind is not that anymore. I jest. I have a habit of doing that. ANd it is time to break some habits.

Joe can pick me up off the ground now. Not easily. But he can do it. And before it was truly impossible. And.... I don't like it. I don't like the powerless possibility. Maybe I will learn to like being LIFTED. We'll see. But today I'm acutely aware of how ingrained and a part of ME being anchored and so solidly connected to the EARTH is.

There is something to the WEIGHT and GRAVITAS of being LARGE that must morph now into a new frame, a new kind of power.

And I'm inviting it.
I want to explore it.

The irony of being sick now. The weakness I have today from being sick combined with the lightness, combined with the desire to be strong and stay on this path.....

That's where I am today.

And I breathe it in. And I breathe it out.
And I'm here with it. Here with ME. Here with You. And wishing wanting GOOD THINGS TO COME.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 11/28/2011 11:45PM

    Great job being genuine and in touch with your feelings and with what is going on inside and out!! You are a beautiful and deep person and so much more than just an embodiment of outward regalia! Nonetheless, your strengthening of your outward frame seems to be putting some things into perspective for you! Reframing, creating, accepting, growing. I admire the work you are doing and celebrate with you! Big huge hugs!

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BTINTERNET 11/23/2011 8:55AM

    Great discoveries and I look forward to watching you explore it!

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MAMADWARF 11/22/2011 11:48PM

    Good things are here doll. This is just another hurdle. You will shift and learn. You will prevail.

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The Cobbler's Children - Stone Soup - Button button who's got the button

Monday, November 07, 2011

The Cobbler's Children - Stone Soup - Button button who's got the button

I keep reaching (shadow-boxing style) for MORE but I have no idea How much is enough, or How much I can have! Actually, the only 'more' i'm reaching for is the punching of this burlap bag I've got myself in. I want to come out!

Over-eating like all substance patterns dumbs down one's world.... it invites isolation.
I've grown and accomplished and coped with demands over the years.

Like being on a LIFE DIET. Restricted.
Am I afraid? ...that
I want more than what I can have. So my answer is to want less. To want ... nothing?
(This is an obvious analysis knowing from various therapists that I was "not properly seen" as a child... yadda yadda yadda... wtf).

Scale down. Scale down. Make it impossible to fail. These are not winning strategies.
REACH for the stars. SHINE your light. That's what winning striving living breathing energy does.

And so.... This old lady says.... Can I change? Can I ? How can I? What can I do?

The scarcity:abundance dynamics of OBESITY and EATING disorders are fascinating and compelling. The saturation / volume of people with these problems today is probably not so much coincidence (culturally there is something 'in the water'). I can't write about this.

I have often wondered if there is a FAT GIRL BOOK, or Done Being the Fat Girl Book, or a more family counseling oriented book about how BEING FAT impacts FAMILIES.
I write well. So I'm told. I would need a mentor and an editor to frame a project and follow through. Maybe a collaborateur.

I need work. My resume seems to have expired. I don't know what to look for or how to present myself.

What do I want?
I no longer want kids.
I no longer want to renovate a house.
I do want to nest and make a better quality home than the too-scrappy hovel i've rented for an embarrassingly long time. (long enough to be like too many cats).

I want to be smaller, to be lighter, to be healthier. To be happier. The smaller and healthier I am making great strides with over the past more than a year.

It's been a lifetime of false starts. Or. No. A lifetime of not getting it.
Am I getting it now? I'm getting more of it I think.
I am.

There's more than getting smaller and healthier.
PART OF THE PROCESS is/ must be/ seems to be.................................


The Alice-in-Wonderland distortions of decades are tired, are done. There's no hat to put on or off, nor any red shoes to click.

My best friend through word of mouth found a GREAT CONDO this past month. I helped a bit with the move this weekend. I am thrilled for her! Truly. Deeply.
And I am STUNNED into Desire and wistfulness and the lack and limitation that has been my normal for so long.
Japanese women and their feet?
Bonsai trees and their wires?

I did not follow through on my musical aspirations.
I did not follow through on my writing aspirations.
I did not follow through on my counseling abilities which could be aspirations.
I shied away from people. I did not aspire.
I love to inspire and to collaborate. I want to make more of an positive impact in my world.

There's a job I should apply for this month. I've forgotton how to write a cover letter. I'm sure my resume needs revision. I've never taken the GRE. I have ulcerative colitis and am off for another colonoscopy on Wednesday.

Where does the time go?



  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 11/8/2011 11:54AM

    Beautiful, inspiring, self-reflective, and goal oriented blog!! Thanks!

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DONNACFIT 11/8/2011 9:19AM

    Beautifully written blog!! How inspiring..you are a friend of a friend and I'd like to add you as a friend :)

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MAMADWARF 11/7/2011 10:42PM

    I don't know if itcounts but you inspire me! Reach for the stars and you know what? You will reach them. I hope your colonoscopy goes well and your colitis is under control. Its a bitch, I know! Hugs!

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SLFRISBEY 11/7/2011 7:55PM

    You're so awesome. I am really glad we have had a chance to get together. There is more than just getting smaller. It's overcoming the why. Trying to not give in to the triggers are hard but do-able. Things to think about. :) If you're free next week, wanna hit up Tuesday night Zumba? I could use a good booty shaking night!

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BABY_GIRL69 11/7/2011 7:26PM

    Thank you for sharing this blog! It moved the same as my brain when its in busy mode which is most of the day. lol God bless & you DO ROCK!!


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CELLISTA1 11/7/2011 6:37PM

    This is a very interesting and unusual blog --
To me, you are a very poetic writer whose struggle is mighty, but the fact that you are able to define it surely is a sign that you are able to approach it and deal with it. Japanese women and their feet - a powerful metaphor. Yet no one has forced you to hobble on bound feet. You are able to take steps, one by one by one. I think the hardest thing to overcome is inertia. Once we take a few steps, the next seem to come easier.

Of all the things you wrote about, the wish to collaborate and inspire is the most positive. I wish you well in finding this path.

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Thanks to NONIEC for these great quotes:

Thursday, November 03, 2011

"When you stand still, you reject the struggle, and you refuse to change and grow. Ultimately, you reject fulfillment, happiness, the dance for joy and everything else that is eternally good."
~Matthew Kelly, classical actor and game show host

"I do not believe in stagnating; I believe in embracing and affecting change. I am becoming the kind of person who has as much love and passion for herself as for others. I have been sparked and my flame shines oh so brightly!!!
Don't fear your light!!! " -- NonieC, SparkedPerson Spark friend

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DONNACFIT 11/8/2011 9:29AM

    I love quotes..thanks for sharing!!

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GOGOMAMA 11/4/2011 11:09PM

    Very motivating quotes!!! Very meaningful for me! :)

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GOGOMAMA 11/4/2011 11:08PM

    Very motivating quotes!!! Very meaningful for me! :)

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BMR 1491 - Avg daily exercise burn 350/day (JUMP START-RESULTS?)

Sunday, October 23, 2011

BMR 1491 lightly active (5'4", 53yrs, 182lbs)
If I want to lose a pound a week I need a deficit of 3500/wk.
How to get there? And does this sound right or wrong to you wise Sparkfriend comrades?

*Eating 1491 daily means wt loss has to be ALL exercise
*3500/ 350 means 10 days of exercise for every pound

*OR REDUCE INTAKE TO 1200/day means
290 credit per day x 7 = 2030 wk
With additional 1500/week needed from exercise 1500/350 =
DEFICIT OF 3500/week = 1 LB

***I need a burn of 375 per session with minimum of 4 sessions per week to make 1500/wk
375 x 4 = 1500


***I need to eat LESS 1205 calories a day to make deficit of 2000/wk
***1491 minus 286 means a calorie intake of 1205/calories day

Calorie Allotment 1205/day
Breakfast 350
Lunch 330
Dinner 350
Leaves 165 for snacks

Right? Wrong? Jiggle it? Let me know if this makes sense for a JumpStart

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 10/26/2011 12:33AM

    I am with mama on this. I would simply die(ok, being dramatic...) on 1200 calories. seems a little low. All your calculations look right. 4 days of exercise a week seems doable. Do you know how much you burn an exercise session? What sparkpeople says and what my arm band thingy says are two different things as far as what my body burns. All I know to do is try it. Change it up and see if it works. emoticon emoticon emoticon Go Paula Go emoticon

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MAMADWARF 10/25/2011 9:50AM

    You make my brain hurt. I hate math. What does spark say your calorie range should be? 1200 sounds little lean to me. I mean I could do it on some days but not evertevertyevery day. Maybe mix it up. As for exercise, what is a sustainable amount for you?

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