PJH2028   17,690
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PJH2028's Recent Blog Entries

home safe

Monday, October 10, 2011

whew. home! i loved my trip to babysit my niece. it was an honor and a joy to provide safe consistent daily life for her while her mom traveled for a professional conference.

living on their schedule. living in their kitchen. passing a pantry full of nuts and dried fruit and "gorp" and drawers full of crackers and cookies and candies - the healthy kind, even ..... well... THAT was really a challenge; THAT was tough... That broke me down over the time there.

I ate in ways and at times and undeclared qr uantities
I ate and did not record what I ate -- WiFi was down and I didn't Spark daily as has become my lifeline.

And NOW i'm home. Hooray. But my good habits are not entirely kicked in yet. I grazed today too much. I made healthy choices, but the RHYTHM was off (more like the trip), and the RHYTHM of tracking was off (i plan to catch up to the day as soon as I'm done with this blog).

For better or worse, but in my opinion for the better -- my relationship to SPARK tools and friends is now ESSENTIAL to my balance and well-being. That's a good thing. Because we are all still here! wink wink

I'm scared to get on the scale.
I promise to record the number I see, to move the stones in which ever direction needed, and LIVE HONESTLY ONWARD AND FORWARD determinedly DOWNWARD

so help me, Me.

Coming Clean. Yes.
It's a life-long process.
It's not a diet; it's life.

p.s. wish me luck with this latest curveball from the perimenopausal hormone squads. it'll be what it'll be. I'm showing up for it. One day at a time.

Footnote for Future: Making the Best of things is an interesting idiom, it often colloquially speaks to a kind of getting-through, a kind of coping perhaps. However... What I'm interested in at this point in my life is TRULY MAKING THE BEST -- AND I'M LOOKING TO FIND WHAT THAT IS NOW.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 10/18/2011 9:39AM

    I appreciate your striving to get back into the rhythm of spark!! I applaud you and know you will do it! You inspire me and my lack of consistency. I will get there too! Hugs and blessings!

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BIGMAMAT 10/14/2011 10:25PM

    missed you while you were gone my friend. glad your back. emoticon

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MOMMA_BEAR_69 10/12/2011 4:57PM

    Welcome home and getting back into your health habits!! Bless you for helping out your sister and having a great time with your niece.

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KT-NICHOLS-13 10/11/2011 3:10PM

    Glad you are home and that you enjoyed your time away. Those healthful habits will return and the number you see on the scale will be but temporary. As you know, it's all about living and learning on this journey to wellness.

Comment edited on: 10/11/2011 3:10:29 PM

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SLFRISBEY 10/11/2011 9:12AM

    Glad you're home safe and sound. Looking forthe best in life is an interesting concept at this point. I am also trying to do that and figure out what I want in life. It's strange, really. We should do dinner soon or some other fun sort of activity :) Hubs has school tonight and a bachleor party all weekend so it only seems fair that I get to have some fun too, hehe!

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pumpkin - head

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Hi me. Don't you just love all the white pumpkins showing up in all the home mags this month? Fall is just beginning. I bought one. A tiny one. Love it.

I feel like a pumpkin. No, not a bumpkin. A pumpkin. Happy. Round. About to become something = a pie, a coach, a jackolantern.

nahh... i'm making no sense at all.
(I hope no one's reading this. I just need want to spew some speech... and find out why I've eaten 1250 calories and it's only 4:21pm)

Yeah. That's the point. I've eaten 1250 calories and it's 4:21 pm. The overage has been "SNACKS". And I've been... 'snackin' irregularly and unsparkily for days now.

Under wraps. But not on track.
Tracked. But not in the hp hip hooray kind of way.

SPARKING WELL is it's own reward!

But , I mean AND -- well... I DID go to gym (shorter and less intense than usual, but done) and I DID - just now - go up to the attic and put in another 20.

So kudos to me.

Whatever is going on these days. Don't look for pattern.
Take tonight slow and easy. Maybe eat steamed vegetables for dinner.

Tomorrow -- Be busy, work out, drink your water.... Get ready for trip to GA.

184 today
145 goal weight

That means: 40 lbs to lose honey pie. YOU CAN DO IT!! Another 1-2 years. Whatever it takes.

It's LIFE.
Embrace it!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOGOMAMA 10/5/2011 11:13AM

    I love your free flowing style of writing, as I always do!! It seems to allow for deeper thought and understanding!! You are wonderful friend!! I hope you are enjoying your trip!

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BIGMAMAT 10/1/2011 10:19AM

    I love your attitude and I love you my beautiful sparkfriend! However long it takes, we'll do it. emoticon

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PHEFEY 9/26/2011 9:15AM

    Love the randomness! Hope your weekend ended and new week began on a good note!

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SWEETNEENI 9/26/2011 8:59AM

    emoticon emoticon

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PANBOOKS 9/25/2011 10:12PM

    I love the way you write and I love reading your blogs! You can do it honey pie! I know you can!

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BARBARASDIET 9/25/2011 5:30PM

    Step one--recognizing what you do that interferes with your goal. You are on your way, slow but sure.

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Dr. O's last(ing) gifts

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

My beloved Dr. O is leaving her office. I'm losing her, the only personal physician that I've had a genuine trusting relationship with... ever. She taught me this was possible. Still I know how rare and special that is and she is. Whhoooooooooooosh. I'm hoping and believing that my needs as a client are more practiced now and so it will be a smoother transition.

I was expecting a bigger applause for my weight loss, but now that I think about it... I LOVE the fact that she acknowledged it with ease and not hoopla. "It makes me feel better about leaving our relationship that you are doing so well", she said. Yep. It's been a tough couple of years medically.

Having her mentor/comrade me through the "How much more weight do you want to lose"?
is/was another great parting gift.
Dr. O and I reviewed the BMI targets together. And... according to her charts:
175 - will bring me out of "obese" category and into "overweight"
165 - may look or feel okay, but...
155 - may look or feel good
140/`145 is when the BMI will be at insurance underwriter approved "Just right"

Face Time.
So few physicians truly ENJOY this part of their work.
And I need it. Require it.
I am verbal, and I they are my partner in caring for my body/health. My participation is an asset.

I understand that the pressure for TIME so drives their days, that the added depth feels to many of them like an encumbering detour. Not Lisa. And not the dermatologist I found recently. He is also marvelous.

Boning up on perimenopausal supplements to take. Bloodwork says I'm low in vitamin D3, and so will increase my dose of supplement on that. I've read that Magnesium is critical to D absorbption. Oy.

D3 1000 IU or more
Magnesium (malate not oxide)
Calcium, NO Calcium

A research project.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 10/1/2011 10:16AM

    Sounds like Dr O was right were you needed her at the time, giving you the 1 on 1 attention that you deserve. Some Physicans have the gift, and others don't. I like your vitamins. sounds like a good plan.

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Stepping up Into my own light

Thursday, September 15, 2011

186.6 yesterday (not 183. not 181 like I'd hoped for).
Then... today .... (post breakfast, post 20-oz water and coffee, fully clothed - with heavy jeans on-)
i laugh i sigh i bite my lip

Doctor's scale at GI said (I won't even utter it) something different.
Scale #'s still make me crazy.

Bottom line?
Up side of this short tale?

Complacency comes in many disguises.
There's a balance between accepting the slow path of weight loss, and the slow slip into not pushing myself enough. (Perhaps?)

I was triggered by a good friend's recent drop of 25lbs. SO thrilled for her. But she did it in three months. My last 26 took a year. SO the **** WHAT? Hey....

Snap out of it.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the sparkgoodie note I sent to my self today.
(I won 100 goodie points, and I lovingly splurged on an image marker for this moment in time... a bookmark for a recent conversation (yesterday) [I'd done this once before, back in June when I bought myself new running shoes]... Reflections yesterday were on WHERE I AM, Where I'm Going.... DB and I spoke of soulful ideational interactive and impacting things - about NON-WEIGHT NON-BODY-RELATED things... (interestingly, after we both spoke of recent body-related changes).

Somewhere I know it is all related a bit, or more than a bit.
Achieving a smaller body and higher fitness, receiving Kudos and applause for this... ignites other issues of VISIBILITY, for me. Wanting it. Not wanting it. Handling it. Not Handling it.

YOOVIE wrote a FANTABULOUS blog this week about what will be enough. The not knowing part, the drawing the lines and setting the bars, the putting them up and taking them down. (Well, that's a poor translation. Read it your self - it's hugely worth the trip. She wrote of perfectionism a lot in the blog. No doubt that is related for me. Yet, I'm not going down that road at the moment. So. Back to me.

Back to the microphone, to the computer, to the table of pens and papers, to music and not t.v. in the room. To stepping up into my own light.

I will go back to getting on the scale every Wednesday like I did at the beginning (instead of every two Wednesdays like I have been slipsliding away on).

The stones will be moved.

And so will my heart.

Step into the light.

no worries. no pressure. no performance. no anxiety. feel it on your skin. feel it stir the roots. breathe.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 9/20/2011 11:50PM

    I love it that you are so much more than the scale my beautiful sparkfriend. emoticon

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PANBOOKS 9/15/2011 8:18PM

    It's great that you are taking non-scale victories into consideration! Good for you!!! You lost weight, gained stamina, and continue to improve your healthy outlook!

Continue to celebrate the victories - large and small! I look that you give yourself SparkGoodies. What a wonderful thing to do.

Keep on keepin on!

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SHRINKINGLULU 9/15/2011 1:51PM

And you're so right. That line between being okay with slow progress and being okay with behaviors that impede faster progress is a very fine one and hard to dance along!

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Sunday, September 11, 2011

I wish to announce, to share with you all…

I can wear boots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tried on a few pairs! And my calves are no longer too fat!!

My bff Kristen and I wandered into a nice shoe store today and I was saying to her out loud that my calves are still too fat for boots… when the knowlegable and very attractive 30-something man told me that my calves were definitely not too wide for a number of boots. And I tried a beautiful pair on. And … wow - Would have bought them on the spot except for the longer term fashion consideration over heel. Tried a few other pairs on at another store. They also fit (e.g. it was not a fluke).

;-) wink wink and HOORAY
It’s a very big deal. (My mom and sister can attest to a lifetime of winter shopping meltdowns)
I CAN now buy boots. With multiple choices!!!!!

Celebrating being a girl in previously unavailable ways.
Opening the door to new questions and perils... (I laugh!) ...

Which ones??????

I invite a pair of boots to be my goal reward
NOW, for losing 50#
OR in 8 lbs more when I hit 175
I'm leaning towards the first.

frye jane ish or frye/other riding style or lower cut?
I have no idea.
"Looks" that were for-sure not-Me (not-for-me), "looks" that were ideational and catalogue/magazine content only.... are now available... but ... Hmmmm.

Knowing when I authentically LIKE something and WANT it is a HUGE milestone of empirical data and development. Deferred desire is a huge fat-girl issue.

Kristen reminded me that "Passing for Thin" (the memoir) has a lot of reflection on transitions of weight loss.

On this road, I'm going to start my seasonal closet switch and box my too-big clothes next week into three categories:

1) Consignment Re-sale
2) Too big but hold on to the memories, avoiding a just-in-case 'tude
3) Give away Give away Give away

This includes: shoes, bags, pants, shorts, sweaters, bathing suits, tops, dresses, and most painful of all maybe, jackets.

I'll report back on this.
There's all kinds of STUFF hanging on and letting go.

Giving this stuff "the boot" as they say in UK.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 9/12/2011 5:27PM

    Booooots! That is a definate Woohoooooo! emoticon

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SLFRISBEY 9/12/2011 9:17AM

    You need those boots :) I am still not able to get into regular boots but the wide calf are a little too big. Can't wait to join you in regular size boot land!

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KT-NICHOLS-13 9/11/2011 8:19PM

    Awesome in so many ways.

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SUZIEQS65 9/11/2011 10:29AM

    Wooohooo! Way to go!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 9/11/2011 10:06AM

    Hell yes! That is on my list of things to do as well. And the answer is NOW!!!

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