Monday, October 10, 2011
whew. home! i loved my trip to babysit my niece. it was an honor and a joy to provide safe consistent daily life for her while her mom traveled for a professional conference.
living on their schedule. living in their kitchen. passing a pantry full of nuts and dried fruit and "gorp" and drawers full of crackers and cookies and candies - the healthy kind, even ..... well... THAT was really a challenge; THAT was tough... That broke me down over the time there.
I ate in ways and at times and undeclared qr uantities
I ate and did not record what I ate -- WiFi was down and I didn't Spark daily as has become my lifeline.
And NOW i'm home. Hooray. But my good habits are not entirely kicked in yet. I grazed today too much. I made healthy choices, but the RHYTHM was off (more like the trip), and the RHYTHM of tracking was off (i plan to catch up to the day as soon as I'm done with this blog).
For better or worse, but in my opinion for the better -- my relationship to SPARK tools and friends is now ESSENTIAL to my balance and well-being. That's a good thing. Because we are all still here! wink wink
I'm scared to get on the scale.
I promise to record the number I see, to move the stones in which ever direction needed, and LIVE HONESTLY ONWARD AND FORWARD determinedly DOWNWARD
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD....
so help me, Me.
Coming Clean. Yes.
It's a life-long process.
It's not a diet; it's life.
p.s. wish me luck with this latest curveball from the perimenopausal hormone squads. it'll be what it'll be. I'm showing up for it. One day at a time.
Footnote for Future: Making the Best of things is an interesting idiom, it often colloquially speaks to a kind of getting-through, a kind of coping perhaps. However... What I'm interested in at this point in my life is TRULY MAKING THE BEST -- AND I'M LOOKING TO FIND WHAT THAT IS NOW.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Hi me. Don't you just love all the white pumpkins showing up in all the home mags this month? Fall is just beginning. I bought one. A tiny one. Love it.
I feel like a pumpkin. No, not a bumpkin. A pumpkin. Happy. Round. About to become something = a pie, a coach, a jackolantern.
nahh... i'm making no sense at all.
(I hope no one's reading this. I just need want to spew some speech... and find out why I've eaten 1250 calories and it's only 4:21pm)
Yeah. That's the point. I've eaten 1250 calories and it's 4:21 pm. The overage has been "SNACKS". And I've been... 'snackin' irregularly and unsparkily for days now.
Under wraps. But not on track.
Tracked. But not in the hp hip hooray kind of way.
SPARKING WELL is it's own reward!
But , I mean AND -- well... I DID go to gym (shorter and less intense than usual, but done) and I DID - just now - go up to the attic and put in another 20.
So kudos to me.
Whatever is going on these days. Don't look for pattern.
Take tonight slow and easy. Maybe eat steamed vegetables for dinner.
Tomorrow -- Be busy, work out, drink your water.... Get ready for trip to GA.
145 goal weight
That means: 40 lbs to lose honey pie. YOU CAN DO IT!! Another 1-2 years. Whatever it takes.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
My beloved Dr. O is leaving her office. I'm losing her, the only personal physician that I've had a genuine trusting relationship with... ever. She taught me this was possible. Still I know how rare and special that is and she is. Whhoooooooooooosh. I'm hoping and believing that my needs as a client are more practiced now and so it will be a smoother transition.
I was expecting a bigger applause for my weight loss, but now that I think about it... I LOVE the fact that she acknowledged it with ease and not hoopla. "It makes me feel better about leaving our relationship that you are doing so well", she said. Yep. It's been a tough couple of years medically.
Having her mentor/comrade me through the "How much more weight do you want to lose"?
is/was another great parting gift.
Dr. O and I reviewed the BMI targets together. And... according to her charts:
175 - will bring me out of "obese" category and into "overweight"
165 - may look or feel okay, but...
155 - may look or feel good
140/`145 is when the BMI will be at insurance underwriter approved "Just right"
So few physicians truly ENJOY this part of their work.
And I need it. Require it.
I am verbal, and I they are my partner in caring for my body/health. My participation is an asset.
I understand that the pressure for TIME so drives their days, that the added depth feels to many of them like an encumbering detour. Not Lisa. And not the dermatologist I found recently. He is also marvelous.
Boning up on perimenopausal supplements to take. Bloodwork says I'm low in vitamin D3, and so will increase my dose of supplement on that. I've read that Magnesium is critical to D absorbption. Oy.
D3 1000 IU or more
Magnesium (malate not oxide)
Calcium, NO Calcium
A research project.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
186.6 yesterday (not 183. not 181 like I'd hoped for).
Then... today .... (post breakfast, post 20-oz water and coffee, fully clothed - with heavy jeans on-)
i laugh i sigh i bite my lip
Doctor's scale at GI said (I won't even utter it) something different.
Scale #'s still make me crazy.
Up side of this short tale?
Complacency comes in many disguises.
There's a balance between accepting the slow path of weight loss, and the slow slip into not pushing myself enough. (Perhaps?)
I was triggered by a good friend's recent drop of 25lbs. SO thrilled for her. But she did it in three months. My last 26 took a year. SO the **** WHAT? Hey....
Snap out of it.
TODAY TODAY TODAY TODAY
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the sparkgoodie note I sent to my self today.
(I won 100 goodie points, and I lovingly splurged on an image marker for this moment in time... a bookmark for a recent conversation (yesterday) [I'd done this once before, back in June when I bought myself new running shoes]... Reflections yesterday were on WHERE I AM, Where I'm Going.... DB and I spoke of soulful ideational interactive and impacting things - about NON-WEIGHT NON-BODY-RELATED things... (interestingly, after we both spoke of recent body-related changes).
Somewhere I know it is all related a bit, or more than a bit.
Achieving a smaller body and higher fitness, receiving Kudos and applause for this... ignites other issues of VISIBILITY, for me. Wanting it. Not wanting it. Handling it. Not Handling it.
YOOVIE wrote a FANTABULOUS blog this week about what will be enough. The not knowing part, the drawing the lines and setting the bars, the putting them up and taking them down. (Well, that's a poor translation. Read it your self - it's hugely worth the trip. She wrote of perfectionism a lot in the blog. No doubt that is related for me. Yet, I'm not going down that road at the moment. So. Back to me.
Back to the microphone, to the computer, to the table of pens and papers, to music and not t.v. in the room. To stepping up into my own light.
I will go back to getting on the scale every Wednesday like I did at the beginning (instead of every two Wednesdays like I have been slipsliding away on).
The stones will be moved.
And so will my heart.
Step into the light.
no worries. no pressure. no performance. no anxiety. feel it on your skin. feel it stir the roots. breathe.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
I wish to announce, to share with you all…
I can wear boots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tried on a few pairs! And my calves are no longer too fat!!
My bff Kristen and I wandered into a nice shoe store today and I was saying to her out loud that my calves are still too fat for boots… when the knowlegable and very attractive 30-something man told me that my calves were definitely not too wide for a number of boots. And I tried a beautiful pair on. And … wow - Would have bought them on the spot except for the longer term fashion consideration over heel. Tried a few other pairs on at another store. They also fit (e.g. it was not a fluke).
;-) wink wink and HOORAY
It’s a very big deal. (My mom and sister can attest to a lifetime of winter shopping meltdowns)
I CAN now buy boots. With multiple choices!!!!!
Celebrating being a girl in previously unavailable ways.
Opening the door to new questions and perils... (I laugh!) ...
I invite a pair of boots to be my goal reward
NOW, for losing 50#
OR in 8 lbs more when I hit 175
I'm leaning towards the first.
frye jane ish or frye/other riding style or lower cut?
I have no idea.
"Looks" that were for-sure not-Me (not-for-me), "looks" that were ideational and catalogue/magazine content only.... are now available... but ... Hmmmm.
Knowing when I authentically LIKE something and WANT it is a HUGE milestone of empirical data and development. Deferred desire is a huge fat-girl issue.
Kristen reminded me that "Passing for Thin" (the memoir) has a lot of reflection on transitions of weight loss.
On this road, I'm going to start my seasonal closet switch and box my too-big clothes next week into three categories:
1) Consignment Re-sale
2) Too big but hold on to the memories, avoiding a just-in-case 'tude
3) Give away Give away Give away
This includes: shoes, bags, pants, shorts, sweaters, bathing suits, tops, dresses, and most painful of all maybe, jackets.
I'll report back on this.
There's all kinds of STUFF hanging on and letting go.
Giving this stuff "the boot" as they say in UK.
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