PJH2028   18,695
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Stepping up Into my own light

Thursday, September 15, 2011

186.6 yesterday (not 183. not 181 like I'd hoped for).
Then... today .... (post breakfast, post 20-oz water and coffee, fully clothed - with heavy jeans on-)
i laugh i sigh i bite my lip

Doctor's scale at GI said (I won't even utter it) something different.
Scale #'s still make me crazy.

Bottom line?
Up side of this short tale?

Complacency comes in many disguises.
There's a balance between accepting the slow path of weight loss, and the slow slip into not pushing myself enough. (Perhaps?)

I was triggered by a good friend's recent drop of 25lbs. SO thrilled for her. But she did it in three months. My last 26 took a year. SO the **** WHAT? Hey....

Snap out of it.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the sparkgoodie note I sent to my self today.
(I won 100 goodie points, and I lovingly splurged on an image marker for this moment in time... a bookmark for a recent conversation (yesterday) [I'd done this once before, back in June when I bought myself new running shoes]... Reflections yesterday were on WHERE I AM, Where I'm Going.... DB and I spoke of soulful ideational interactive and impacting things - about NON-WEIGHT NON-BODY-RELATED things... (interestingly, after we both spoke of recent body-related changes).

Somewhere I know it is all related a bit, or more than a bit.
Achieving a smaller body and higher fitness, receiving Kudos and applause for this... ignites other issues of VISIBILITY, for me. Wanting it. Not wanting it. Handling it. Not Handling it.

YOOVIE wrote a FANTABULOUS blog this week about what will be enough. The not knowing part, the drawing the lines and setting the bars, the putting them up and taking them down. (Well, that's a poor translation. Read it your self - it's hugely worth the trip. She wrote of perfectionism a lot in the blog. No doubt that is related for me. Yet, I'm not going down that road at the moment. So. Back to me.

Back to the microphone, to the computer, to the table of pens and papers, to music and not t.v. in the room. To stepping up into my own light.

I will go back to getting on the scale every Wednesday like I did at the beginning (instead of every two Wednesdays like I have been slipsliding away on).

The stones will be moved.

And so will my heart.

Step into the light.

no worries. no pressure. no performance. no anxiety. feel it on your skin. feel it stir the roots. breathe.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 9/20/2011 11:50PM

    I love it that you are so much more than the scale my beautiful sparkfriend. emoticon

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PANBOOKS 9/15/2011 8:18PM

    It's great that you are taking non-scale victories into consideration! Good for you!!! You lost weight, gained stamina, and continue to improve your healthy outlook!

Continue to celebrate the victories - large and small! I look that you give yourself SparkGoodies. What a wonderful thing to do.

Keep on keepin on!

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SHRINKINGLULU 9/15/2011 1:51PM

And you're so right. That line between being okay with slow progress and being okay with behaviors that impede faster progress is a very fine one and hard to dance along!

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Sunday, September 11, 2011

I wish to announce, to share with you all…

I can wear boots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tried on a few pairs! And my calves are no longer too fat!!

My bff Kristen and I wandered into a nice shoe store today and I was saying to her out loud that my calves are still too fat for boots… when the knowlegable and very attractive 30-something man told me that my calves were definitely not too wide for a number of boots. And I tried a beautiful pair on. And … wow - Would have bought them on the spot except for the longer term fashion consideration over heel. Tried a few other pairs on at another store. They also fit (e.g. it was not a fluke).

;-) wink wink and HOORAY
It’s a very big deal. (My mom and sister can attest to a lifetime of winter shopping meltdowns)
I CAN now buy boots. With multiple choices!!!!!

Celebrating being a girl in previously unavailable ways.
Opening the door to new questions and perils... (I laugh!) ...

Which ones??????

I invite a pair of boots to be my goal reward
NOW, for losing 50#
OR in 8 lbs more when I hit 175
I'm leaning towards the first.

frye jane ish or frye/other riding style or lower cut?
I have no idea.
"Looks" that were for-sure not-Me (not-for-me), "looks" that were ideational and catalogue/magazine content only.... are now available... but ... Hmmmm.

Knowing when I authentically LIKE something and WANT it is a HUGE milestone of empirical data and development. Deferred desire is a huge fat-girl issue.

Kristen reminded me that "Passing for Thin" (the memoir) has a lot of reflection on transitions of weight loss.

On this road, I'm going to start my seasonal closet switch and box my too-big clothes next week into three categories:

1) Consignment Re-sale
2) Too big but hold on to the memories, avoiding a just-in-case 'tude
3) Give away Give away Give away

This includes: shoes, bags, pants, shorts, sweaters, bathing suits, tops, dresses, and most painful of all maybe, jackets.

I'll report back on this.
There's all kinds of STUFF hanging on and letting go.

Giving this stuff "the boot" as they say in UK.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 9/12/2011 5:27PM

    Booooots! That is a definate Woohoooooo! emoticon

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SLFRISBEY 9/12/2011 9:17AM

    You need those boots :) I am still not able to get into regular boots but the wide calf are a little too big. Can't wait to join you in regular size boot land!

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KT-NICHOLS-13 9/11/2011 8:19PM

    Awesome in so many ways.

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SUZIEQS65 9/11/2011 10:29AM

    Wooohooo! Way to go!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 9/11/2011 10:06AM

    Hell yes! That is on my list of things to do as well. And the answer is NOW!!!

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Today today today

Saturday, September 10, 2011

"Believe it or not, I've been waiting for you to come through." (first line of an old James Taylor tune).
Chorus has a really nice refresher... "While my friends were callin' Today Today Today".

The last dream of this morning before waking had me in a picnic buffet line with Frank Sinatra. I was working on something with Whoopi Goldberg apparently because I told him that if he wanted me to tell her anything I would be seeing her this week. I know the dream was about something else all together leading up to this moment... however, this is when Joe came in to "see if I was still sleeping". ha. hilarious.
I've been sore with lactic acid in my muscles this week. Huge ST workouts on Tuesday and Thursday. In between these the past FEW WEEKS I have to reflect and admit that
I AM WAAY off my weekly cardio goals as of late.

Lactic acid burn sometimes makes me 'think i lost weight' -- e.g. feel slimmer, perhaps by virtue of the sensation of bone and muscle?

Anyway, I got on the scale this morning (NOT my day to weigh, but I thought I'd "just peek").
185 this morning. Definitely not slimmer. That's up 2# from the past couple of weeks plateau at 183.

Plateau at 183 is where I've been.
And I wasn't ready to dig in, or dig down, or step it up.
I may be ready to do that now.
I invite my self to be ready to that now.

(TODAY today today today)

I'm ready to box up the too-big clothes and not look back. I'm eager to do the seasonal closet switch. Even if there will be an indian summer a-comin' I want to do that this coming week! I will! (today today today).

Living in the present.
Not thinking today of how-far-I've-come. (not taking it away from myself either).

Cleaning up. Clearing the path.

I've had and still do a whole lot of baggage in the head these past weeks --
Life time goals so many of which remain the same and unrealized on-the-list.
I have felt it unsmart to let my Spark Plan be center stage with so many other aspects of CHANGE in my life that are needed also.

YET. I want this. This is where I am. And I will NOT neglect the rest of the list. YET I AM - I do hereby decide/declare that this season Fall 2011 it IS OKAY that these Spark Goals are top of the list of my intentions.

work money housing family community --- all invited to hop aboard this train

today today today


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAMADWARF 9/11/2011 9:35AM

    I like it. All we really have is now so make the best of it.

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BIGMAMAT 9/11/2011 9:27AM

    A picnic with good ole frank huh? that's funny! emoticon
Enjoy today honey.

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BABY_GIRL69 9/10/2011 5:13PM

    In this life it all goes by so fast. We must learn to juggle many different things all at once & then the same goes in our dreams. Sounds like you are going to figure it out with changing your nutrition & fitness. Keep fiddling around with it & you should be fine.

God bless & enjoy everyday!


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DAWNDMOORE40 9/10/2011 10:17AM

    emoticonIt sounds like you have a positive attitude and a great plan in place! There is nothing wrong with putting most of your energy into accomplishing a goal that is going to be beneficial to the rest of your life! I always say, we can't love others, if we don't love ourselves! I wish you the best! Keep up what your doing and eventually you will come off that plateu! I was on one for almost a year! One thing I might suggest is that you step up your calories a little bit! I went to a class reunion and ate so much pizza, steak and dounuts until it was coming out my ears, but you know what? I lost 5 lbs and came off my plateau! That is so crazy, but true! So sometimes shocking your body a little bit, makes a big difference! Also, don't totally rely on the scale to see how far you have progressed. I would try taking your measurements too! They will say a lot! Have a blessed day! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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feed the spark, not the beast

Thursday, September 08, 2011

i had a full fledged lapse yesterday.
wow. i forgot.
i really did - it's been a long time since i did that, since i "fed the beast"
you know- THE BEAST - that bottomless well, falling falling
every bite that goes in to feed the beast magnified and microphoning the beast's call/pull

i was running away from my feelings yesterday
i had no where to go with them, and felt unwilling or unable to meet challenge

hindsight: of course, i COULD have: napped, called someone, escaped some other way...

Escapism may always be a need
But, FOR ME, feeding the food beast is no longer familiar and I'd like it to stay that way.

Feed the Spark!
I say.
Today's a new day.

And the take-home is the refresher on what the past looked and felt like.

I think I'd like to play my old Marian Woodman tape some time = "Holding the Tension of the Opposites". Marian's universalizing of the pull (I want cookie vs I am hungry for sweetness, ---- the literal replacement for the listening to a more spiritual hunger).

Listening to the Spirit
Enlivening the Spirit
through connection

is so important to my life and happiness.

I love and appreciate all of you my spark friends for creating together and making a place to connect, to be real, to hear the inner call of my spark, my SELF and us together.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PANBOOKS 9/8/2011 7:32PM

    This journey, like life, will take unexpected twists and turns. I am glad that you turned your lapse around. Boy-oh-boy do I understand. Good for you!

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JUSDUCKY 9/8/2011 4:37PM

    Well, on the plus side it looks like you got over it and are re-centering! Right? :-)

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    Today is going to be a fantastic day!!!

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SLFRISBEY 9/8/2011 11:17AM

    Hope you're having a great day today! I also tend to eat instead of deal with feelings but lately I have been trying to do something instead of eat like work out (if possible). Sometimes those feelings are dealt with after words, sometimes not but it is a good way for me to think at least. The bicycle has been awesome for that lately!

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MAMADWARF 9/8/2011 10:14AM

    Yea I totally agree. Sometimes I think it is almost good to revert back because it reminds us how far we have come, the reality of what IS instead of what we THOUGHT something was like (hence fantasizing how good some sort of food would be and how awesome it would make us feel if we ate it) and then we can settle back down into the life we lead now and how much more we like that and how much better we feel.

I, too, am so grateful for spark and it keeps me going every day. Have a great day, doll!

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Things are happening every day (a cinderella theme)

Sunday, September 04, 2011

I'm stuck in places.
I AM embarking in some places.

Yet I am STUCK is some and the same-old same-old of my wheel-spinning to get something going sounds bad to me today. I don't want to spit mud and fall deeper in the same place I'm at.

A year of body fuel and movement changes. Excellent good. Has me embarking on the next steps.

And YES,
MORE OF THE SAME is on the agenda.
I even believe that I can do that! e.g. prioritize meals and shopping and portions and exercise and water. I value this devotion tremendously. I celebrate it. Indeed!

and yet....
there are the areas I'm still avoiding tending to. the foibles and frictions of me myself and i that onward and ongoingly keep me from actualilzing my best self more of the time.

To be freer in my body mean to be more available to LIFE energy and movement.
The FLOW .... Joining the flow and engaging more.

Being freer in my body means being more available ... BUT TO WHAT? I ask. I wonder.

What do I need?

a new laptop?
a new cellphone?
a new stereo?
a degree program?
a job?
all of the above?

I've lived in the same rented apartment for 20 years.

And I'm stuck.
Cinderella and the pumpkin. Cinderella dreaming of glass slippers.

And my man... well.... he doesn't have any pro-active ideas. If we move it will be my money not our money that provides that possibility. And... I"M UNCOMFORTABLE with that. OR.... Is that just the easiest straw to grab to make THIS VERSION of STUCK s o u n d a teeny bit different.

Identity Crisis.
I'd rather keep that confined to what FITS or not.

Aside --
I browsed brachioplasty and other plastic surgery photo galleries this past week to test the waters a bit about whether or not that will ever be something I want. My skin is spent in some places; really drippy droopy, waterballoony... already! If so halfway there.. then... oh my....

stop tape suspend blackout fade

where is this going?

where am i going?


buy some thing
take something
volunteer something

crap crap crap - i've been SAYING this for a long time.
Yep - just like i'd been saying for ever and a long time the I need to lose weight.

So-- hmmm
Succeeding at Losing Weight puts OTHER things-i-need-to-Do ALSO in the running.

It's not impossible.

(for a plain yellow pumpkin to become a golden carriage....)

Things are happening every day.

emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROOBEARZ 9/6/2011 12:28AM

    Very poetic! I like the " Joining the flow and engaging more. " idea - so true for me, too!! It is a process...slowly, we're changes parts. Yeah, those jello-y parts...very annoying. I have to try to ignore them - surgery is so expensive - I don't want to head into the mindset of "what difference does it make it I try to change?" which is where I was before - so I'm trying to look at how much stronger I feel and ignore all the flab. Take care!!

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BABY_GIRL69 9/5/2011 6:43PM

    If you figure this one, make sure you write a book. I think we all get stuck & some times for no reason whatsoever. I am stuck but I still move a little but I want to fly & soar like eagles! Not waddle around like a duckling...way too slow for me.

God bless & enjoy everyday!


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SONGBARDBIRD 9/4/2011 10:53PM

    First of all, I adore this version of Cinderella...I'm a big fan of all the songs! Sorry that you're stuck in a rut, I can imagine it would feel difficult to change things up if they've been the same for so long...but that's what you had to do to lose weight, right? So maybe look at it in that context...no, this is not "losing weight" but it's still something you need to change and you need to sit down and figure out those steps to take, just like you sat down and figured out how to change your eating and exercise habits. It's not going to happen over night but you can definitely make some positive changes in your life...I hope everything works out for you! :)

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PANBOOKS 9/4/2011 7:12PM

    I agree with you, things are happening everyday in small and sometimes surprising ways. As long as your steps forward out pace your steps backward you will succedd. Don't get caught up on the backwards steps - think of them as speed bumps in the road or slight detours in your journey.
The drippy droopy skin, in my case flip floppity (LOL) - Try not to worry about it. Your healthy goals are to become healthier and lose weight. Once you are close to or in the maintenance phase of your journey, then consider the skin. It's possible that if you think of the skin now, you may think... what's the point? I look at my Grade 1 panniculus and I hope that it will continue to shrink and I hope that I can tone it, but if I don't it's ok.
Your healthy journey is helping you to make positive changes inside and out. You will change and so will your life. I wish you continued success on your journey. You are well on your way to reaching your goals!

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ZZYYGGY 9/4/2011 6:39PM

    Hope everything works out the way you want.

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