Thursday, September 15, 2011
186.6 yesterday (not 183. not 181 like I'd hoped for).
Then... today .... (post breakfast, post 20-oz water and coffee, fully clothed - with heavy jeans on-)
i laugh i sigh i bite my lip
Doctor's scale at GI said (I won't even utter it) something different.
Scale #'s still make me crazy.
Up side of this short tale?
Complacency comes in many disguises.
There's a balance between accepting the slow path of weight loss, and the slow slip into not pushing myself enough. (Perhaps?)
I was triggered by a good friend's recent drop of 25lbs. SO thrilled for her. But she did it in three months. My last 26 took a year. SO the **** WHAT? Hey....
Snap out of it.
TODAY TODAY TODAY TODAY
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the sparkgoodie note I sent to my self today.
(I won 100 goodie points, and I lovingly splurged on an image marker for this moment in time... a bookmark for a recent conversation (yesterday) [I'd done this once before, back in June when I bought myself new running shoes]... Reflections yesterday were on WHERE I AM, Where I'm Going.... DB and I spoke of soulful ideational interactive and impacting things - about NON-WEIGHT NON-BODY-RELATED things... (interestingly, after we both spoke of recent body-related changes).
Somewhere I know it is all related a bit, or more than a bit.
Achieving a smaller body and higher fitness, receiving Kudos and applause for this... ignites other issues of VISIBILITY, for me. Wanting it. Not wanting it. Handling it. Not Handling it.
YOOVIE wrote a FANTABULOUS blog this week about what will be enough. The not knowing part, the drawing the lines and setting the bars, the putting them up and taking them down. (Well, that's a poor translation. Read it your self - it's hugely worth the trip. She wrote of perfectionism a lot in the blog. No doubt that is related for me. Yet, I'm not going down that road at the moment. So. Back to me.
Back to the microphone, to the computer, to the table of pens and papers, to music and not t.v. in the room. To stepping up into my own light.
I will go back to getting on the scale every Wednesday like I did at the beginning (instead of every two Wednesdays like I have been slipsliding away on).
The stones will be moved.
And so will my heart.
Step into the light.
no worries. no pressure. no performance. no anxiety. feel it on your skin. feel it stir the roots. breathe.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
I wish to announce, to share with you all…
I can wear boots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tried on a few pairs! And my calves are no longer too fat!!
My bff Kristen and I wandered into a nice shoe store today and I was saying to her out loud that my calves are still too fat for boots… when the knowlegable and very attractive 30-something man told me that my calves were definitely not too wide for a number of boots. And I tried a beautiful pair on. And … wow - Would have bought them on the spot except for the longer term fashion consideration over heel. Tried a few other pairs on at another store. They also fit (e.g. it was not a fluke).
;-) wink wink and HOORAY
It’s a very big deal. (My mom and sister can attest to a lifetime of winter shopping meltdowns)
I CAN now buy boots. With multiple choices!!!!!
Celebrating being a girl in previously unavailable ways.
Opening the door to new questions and perils... (I laugh!) ...
I invite a pair of boots to be my goal reward
NOW, for losing 50#
OR in 8 lbs more when I hit 175
I'm leaning towards the first.
frye jane ish or frye/other riding style or lower cut?
I have no idea.
"Looks" that were for-sure not-Me (not-for-me), "looks" that were ideational and catalogue/magazine content only.... are now available... but ... Hmmmm.
Knowing when I authentically LIKE something and WANT it is a HUGE milestone of empirical data and development. Deferred desire is a huge fat-girl issue.
Kristen reminded me that "Passing for Thin" (the memoir) has a lot of reflection on transitions of weight loss.
On this road, I'm going to start my seasonal closet switch and box my too-big clothes next week into three categories:
1) Consignment Re-sale
2) Too big but hold on to the memories, avoiding a just-in-case 'tude
3) Give away Give away Give away
This includes: shoes, bags, pants, shorts, sweaters, bathing suits, tops, dresses, and most painful of all maybe, jackets.
I'll report back on this.
There's all kinds of STUFF hanging on and letting go.
Giving this stuff "the boot" as they say in UK.
Thursday, September 08, 2011
i had a full fledged lapse yesterday.
wow. i forgot.
i really did - it's been a long time since i did that, since i "fed the beast"
you know- THE BEAST - that bottomless well, falling falling
every bite that goes in to feed the beast magnified and microphoning the beast's call/pull
i was running away from my feelings yesterday
i had no where to go with them, and felt unwilling or unable to meet challenge
hindsight: of course, i COULD have: napped, called someone, escaped some other way...
Escapism may always be a need
But, FOR ME, feeding the food beast is no longer familiar and I'd like it to stay that way.
Feed the Spark!
Today's a new day.
And the take-home is the refresher on what the past looked and felt like.
I think I'd like to play my old Marian Woodman tape some time = "Holding the Tension of the Opposites". Marian's universalizing of the pull (I want cookie vs I am hungry for sweetness, ---- the literal replacement for the listening to a more spiritual hunger).
Listening to the Spirit
Enlivening the Spirit
is so important to my life and happiness.
I love and appreciate all of you my spark friends for creating together and making a place to connect, to be real, to hear the inner call of my spark, my SELF and us together.
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