Monday, August 08, 2011
besides me. i mean. is it all me?
I'm embarrassed (ashamed of, apologetic for...) by my apartment. It goes underground most of the time. But at a few times a week or month (for years) especially when out of towners come to see me for the first time... like this week.... I get flushed with apology to self, apology for self, dread and shock that I have not achieved better or strived for more.
I'm not reaching for enough.
This past year, weight loss and fitness have been my accolades. These goals have let me off the hook for other unaddressed issues in need of growth and attention.
I do not have work.
I am passive and slothful.
I do not have meaningful engagement/work/volunteering.
I thrive when I am interacting with others and giving of my knowledge and personal experience.
I am a perfectionist?
I am stuck.
I am = in these areas - exactly where I was with my weight/eating/body before I started Sparking.
How can I get SPARK into these other areas of my life too??
On days like today, when I am so very aware of this.... Yes... I often act out with snacking and foods.... Or, better stated, on a day like today... the structure which so supports me in my daily living seems to be unavailable to me or I rebel against it.
This is a big issue and a big trigger.
What are my expectations?
I don't know.
Yesterday, when my step-sister and her family came by to see my place... i KNEW that her husband would be shocked by the smallness and lack of finery. I imagine that he found it 'squalid'. I guess this means that I (me myself and i) feel that way...
I hide my negative feelings about my apartment like I've hid my negative feelings about my body. Over the years. Being 'fine' with it, as best I can. Not believing I can have more. Not knowing how to get more.
I need more income to live better in this city.
I've traded the 'location' and the tree-lined street and the privacy which I DO HAVE for square footage, amenities, stable electrical current, etc. which I DO NOT HAVE. I have done so for 15-2o years (astonishing). Ha! At least I'm not a hoarder! (small perk here).
Does this make any sense.
This is a rant.
This is a ramble.
No body should this.
If any one does read this... I hope they comment with some epiphany inducing insight... or confrontation.
I AM IN MY WAY
FEAR is in my way
Wanting what I can't have... is in my way.
Grant me the serenity to change the things I can.
And to figure out which things those are.