Sunday, July 24, 2011
I'm writing this down. Marking it. In today's paper, the Sunday section, a quotation inset for a little profile on someone or other... made me tear up, tear way up. The quote:
"(Mydad) always said, 'Jump into the river. It will just move and you'll make decisions as you go. Never be hesitant."
Jump into the river.
It will just move and
You'll make decisions as you go.
I've never well taken that advice. It is excellent advice. Probably. Yep.
Way deep from my center. Resonant. Resonances. And the tears, where this advice or directive -- which I've been given many times in life, usually by others, usually in response to my standing at the edge of the bank.... wanting to jump, or wanting to want to jump, or charcoal in hand in front of a large white tablet and easel in a figure-drawing class.
Afraid to make the first mark? Or afraid to make a mark?
Afraid of the water? Or the current? Or the cold?
Or afraid of leaving?
I well up with awareness that, gdi, THIS IS STILL A CORE ISSUE WITH ME.
I honor my own penchant for staying, too.
Feathering. Tending. Still if not stillpoint.
THE DANCE is here.
But many dances were out there. And I did not jump.
I did not jump.
Many times. So many times.
And many things, ideas, inventions, activities, friendships, artworks, poems....
drifted by in the current... without me?
(What would PEMA say about THIS? --- if they are only thoughts... and not deeds...
if they are only thoughts, not words.
I turn 53 this week.
Is this my story?
More than "just sayin'"
Book mark that, Martha!
Love it all
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
SPARKING INTO 2012
Onward & Downward
Anniversary Celebration and Year Two Goals
in the works
Wow! This year feels great. And felt great, every day.
That's the miracle I see today. I'm enjoying this.
I am not confined by it. The boundaries only pinch every once in a while. Mostly I am enabled and enhanced by awareness of the DAILY details. And I am encouraged and edified by the camaraderie, the stories of others, the roads more and less traveled, not alone... on our own steam... and together.
Weight loss (check)
Body compacting (check)
Fitness and Wellbeing raised (check)
Energy and Attitude up (check)
Can I keep on doing this, Tim (my trainer) asked?
Yes! I feel and reply without any sense of wavering.
Tim wants to up the anti on what we set out as my goals.
He thinks that I am stronger than he's been thinking or I've been thinking.
What a marvelous invitation into the coming year.
So I'm adopting his voice for that part of the 2012 goals.
I am stronger than I imagine my self to be.
I can do more. And I am open to questing higher/longer/more.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, on the sofa and at the table:
I've gotten a bit loose in my food choices and patterns.
Something about seeing 184.5 on the scale sneakily had me resting on my laurels the past couple of weeks. Hmm. Every time I punched in 1-8-4 to the cardio equipment at the gym, I've felt a circle of roses around my neck at the accomplishment, an inner glow and pride. And I've been excited to press on... Yet I think I haven't done that yet.
188 today, after a weekend of unmeasured eating and drinking. It'll come off. But I'm not going to erase it here. This will be my starting point as I press into year 2.
I would like to lose 43 lbs by July 15, 2012.
I would like to weigh 145.
I believe that 165 will be a real body shift and a marking place for me.
I am open to maintaining 165 when I get there, IF that's what seems right from many vantage points.
Yet - With menopause hot on my heels; 145 is objectively what on my 5' 4" little jewish person frame might be a righter number.
We'll see. We'll see.
On paper, my goal is 145.
(With footnotes for future reflection and evaluation with trainer support on record).
*I'm smaller. I'm starting smaller than last year.
This may mean a RE-SET of CALORIE RANGES?
This may mean a RE-SET of CALORIE BURN expectations?
Mm-hmmm. I think this is true.
I don�t have a WEEKLY PLAN on paper yet.
I need this. So, That's what I'm working on this week.
This week, I will:
** Eat cleaner.
** Drink my waters.
** Snack more consciously (better choices, less grazing)
** Get to the gym 3x, not including ST with Tim/Jenny
** Get my cardio burn back up to 400
I love this process.
I love my self for thriving in it.
I love my Spark Friends. Like you.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Wow. Almost a year. Just a week shy of a year of Sparking.
I had a slacky sort of last few weeks.
I've been a little loose with tracking. Accurate, but the choices I've made can stand improving. I can and think I will re-consider the whole "calorie cycling" thing more deliberately.
In fact, being more deliberate is what I feel I need.
I can hone my skills a bit. Perhaps raise my expectations/targets for cardio, and separate out strength training in a different way. Or not.
This I'll determine this week.
Sparkiversary July 15th
53rd birthday July 26th
Ahhh. July. Where did ye go?
Stitches out tomorrow. No more alibi for laying back.
Drivers License Renewal still to do.
Gosh darn DEADLINES. Hate them. Always have. Deep Breath. OM.....
It'll be fine.
and then I'm gonna Rock this thing!
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
It's AAD - Ass Awareness Day (haa hhaaa ) I enjoyed inventing this acronym while dancing around with Joe at the Launderette this early a.m.
So...is it smaller? It's shrinking every day, he says to me. He's such a good sport, and such a big supporter of me. This is the first time in my life I've had so much loving support on a daily basis -- in general, and particularly for the Self image and transformation/dieting and exercise/ goals:results. He doesn't get up in my business - it's all mine. And yet he sees me and I think I must feel him rooting for me every day. THE WAY I FEEL YOU GUYS, dear Sparkies....
(but a man, and my man, and under-foot and in my space and sometimes in my arms... every day).
Funny... I think I'm more aware of this these days. Relationship duration (I've broken my personal record for enduring happy commitment) - amazing. Could it be getting better? It may beee. Are there difficulties? Of course! (i laugh). But mostly... IT'S GOOD.
GOOD. It's GOOD.
Are things wrong? Some things could stand improving in my life.
And I DON"T mean my Ass! (for a change)
Of course, in 50 plus years I got past the size of my own ass to appreciate my Self and to accomplish and be so much more than a number, a size, a name, a label, an occupation, etc etc etc. etc. etc.
I get back to the headline.
It's AAD - and the awareness is more to do with how it feels than how it looks.
It's AAD -- and indeed it is so because of how much more vertical as opposed to horizontal I feel today (I do mean this in the wide/heavy sense but also in the jungian spiritual sense -- an integration thing).
It's AAD (not ADD) and I'm celebrating my inner-ass ?
I think that maybe the new Crocs flip flops I bought actually DO work the legs and but when I walk. THAT's HILARIOUS. But true. Like walking on a half ball.
It is Ass Awareness Day. And I am reminded of how far I've come in this, almost a, year. (Spark anniversary this week or next - Birthday end of the month). *I should blog that separately; okay, I will.
AAD, And I am ready to move mine... more in the coming months. I'm more able and I am ready to learn another notch of fitness and play. Yes "play". I see other people doin' it. PLAY-ing. I wanna. I wanna feel that way about it. I never have. But that don't mean I never will ;-)
So PARTY ON into the week.
Treat yourself to a whole lot of cool clear H20
Treat yourself to a whole lot of locally grown colorful plants (at every plate, at every meal)
Treat yourself to a raised heart rate and the endorphins on the cool-down
Treat yourself to a pedicure
Treat yourself to optimism and friendship
Treat yourself to ....
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
June 15, 2011
Didn't weigh in today. Am I still in the 180's (189 May 30, after stepdaughter's wedding). ????
Where have I been for a month? Trips. Anticipations. Foot injury. Excuses and explanations for why I haven't been "all in" this month. Well... today marks the end of that, I say.
June 15th and I re-did a few photos on my Spark Page. And I'm blogging to mark the spot.
Joe and I have been arguing a lot more than usual. Usual for us doesn't include arguing -- our friendship generally and specifically has good quarreling listening and coalescing skills in it. Is it the post-wedding shoe-drop? Maybe. That's predictable, right. Does it have any impact on my relation to my own Time and Energy? yes, maybe. but, NO, not really.
This is about ME.
Foot injury still sucks. And I'm shy to jump on cardio equipment with the zeal of past months 4x week for 45min-1hr+. New shoes. Newly assessed weakness in VMO (vastus medialis) which is related to excess tork and weight on left leg and foot, as well as explaining some loss of coordination on left.. Here's a photo of the muscles:
There are straight forward exercises to strengthen this. ANd THAT"S EXCITING!! Cuz that means CHANGE is not only Possible, but indeed LIKELY. Good Change.
And I am GRATEFUL. So grateful to still have trainers Tim and Jenny in my life -- my mom insisted on gifting me two more months of PT. So awesome, amazing, generous. Wow.
I'm a LUCKY LUCKY lady. On so many levels.
And so... it's up to me to practice emanating that gratitude and happiness more smoothly throughout my days and nights.
Call it Woody Allen syndrome. Or some other kind of analytical/over-self-aware/over-thinking/o
cdesqe/prone-to-negativity .... but it's true that I'm that way and it's true that it is not serving me.
A SMALLER WORLD is often what, I think to myself, is behind addictions and resolutions. Does dieting makes the world smaller? Or does it simply define space and goals?
Exercise plans make specific structured time and benchmarks for appreciation -- I don't think it narrows the world of my possibilities.
I need and want to ADD MORE LIFE TO MY LIFE
More interests that I act upon
And so it is
that I write this
To SPARK ONward and DOWNward ....
Summer Goals for FALL Appreciation
*175 # by the Fall
*Increased VMO strength
*Better/improved running stride in interval training
*Enjoy outdoor and indoor PLAY/Movement which is not catalogued as "exercise"
*Say "YES" more to invitations
*Weigh-in minimum 2x month, or maximum weekly
I love my self enough to say YES to this.
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