PJH2028   18,373
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woulda/shoulda/coulda --- a whine for no one but me

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

1) I've been treading water financially. Bravo on the one hand. O f*** on the other.
2) Living below my means in order to stave off anxiety has, over decades, caught up with me... and now there's less room to wiggle - and I can not forget about the bigger need to move ahead. (spark on with wt and body.. but also must must must reach forward and connect more to living and giving and earning -- and/or pick a vision for the next 20 years and make it happen as best I can). p.s. Even as i write this I clearly do not believe I will make it happen.
3) One has to believe that they can make it happen!
4) My honey is a great comfort and homemaker. He himself has never earned really and does not have a grasp on planning. So as much as I prod him to step up... I don't know if he is capable.
5) What should I do next? I don't know. (RHETORICAL QUESTION)
6) I am not willing to be an Office Manager again. Not unless hand to mouth depends on it. Only if I LOVED the people and the whattWEdo.
7) I am scared of school. And of cost of school. This is a 30 year song. This aversion.
8) I woulda shoulda coulda

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SONGBARDBIRD 8/9/2011 11:30PM

    Hope you are able to work through these issues and make some happy decisions! It seems like things have been pretty tough so I hope things start to look up...we're all here for you on spark! :)

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RAGAMUFFINKEL 8/9/2011 12:18PM

    I can relate to much of what you share.
The title of the blog caught my attention...typically when I hear woulda/coulda/shoulda it causes that anxiety in the pit of my stomach to want to explode.
Several years ago, I started verbalizing the saying, "Don't 'should' on me!" When said aloud it sometimes sounds like you are telling someone not to eliminate waste on you, but that is the point. Too often the woulda/coulda/shouldas are just totally unprofitable.
I also try really hard not to 'should' on myself. Good luck developing a plan of action to get where ya wanna be. If you can;t believe it will happen yourself...find a friend who can belive it for ya. Sometimes it is the faith of a few close friends that brings us through....

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what's in my way?

Monday, August 08, 2011

besides me. i mean. is it all me?

I'm embarrassed (ashamed of, apologetic for...) by my apartment. It goes underground most of the time. But at a few times a week or month (for years) especially when out of towners come to see me for the first time... like this week.... I get flushed with apology to self, apology for self, dread and shock that I have not achieved better or strived for more.

I'm not reaching for enough.
This past year, weight loss and fitness have been my accolades. These goals have let me off the hook for other unaddressed issues in need of growth and attention.

I do not have work.
I am passive and slothful.
I do not have meaningful engagement/work/volunteering.
I thrive when I am interacting with others and giving of my knowledge and personal experience.

I am a perfectionist?
I am stuck.
I am = in these areas - exactly where I was with my weight/eating/body before I started Sparking.

How can I get SPARK into these other areas of my life too??

On days like today, when I am so very aware of this.... Yes... I often act out with snacking and foods.... Or, better stated, on a day like today... the structure which so supports me in my daily living seems to be unavailable to me or I rebel against it.

Darn it.

with self

This is a big issue and a big trigger.

What are my expectations?
I don't know.

Yesterday, when my step-sister and her family came by to see my place... i KNEW that her husband would be shocked by the smallness and lack of finery. I imagine that he found it 'squalid'. I guess this means that I (me myself and i) feel that way...

I hide my negative feelings about my apartment like I've hid my negative feelings about my body. Over the years. Being 'fine' with it, as best I can. Not believing I can have more. Not knowing how to get more.

I need more income to live better in this city.
I've traded the 'location' and the tree-lined street and the privacy which I DO HAVE for square footage, amenities, stable electrical current, etc. which I DO NOT HAVE. I have done so for 15-2o years (astonishing). Ha! At least I'm not a hoarder! (small perk here).

Does this make any sense.

This is a rant.
This is a ramble.
No body should this.
If any one does read this... I hope they comment with some epiphany inducing insight... or confrontation.



FEAR is in my way

Wanting what I can't have... is in my way.

Grant me the serenity to change the things I can.
And to figure out which things those are.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLFRISBEY 8/8/2011 6:30PM

    I'm right there with you. Some times I feel like things are too overwhelming so I would rather not do anything instead of something. Is it the fear of failure that holds me back? Maybe. Deep down I think I am the laziest person on the planet. Not sure how to get at that though...

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Mid Term Goal 9#'s away!! -- eeny meeny miny moh - need to pick a reward.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I just moved two stones into the goblet. 184.2. There are 9 stones in the little holding cup, which means I'm nine lbs from Goal #1. Wow. Goal #1 175. (Future goal 145 -- another 30 stones waiting in the big jar #2)

These stones have really helped me to REMEMBER and to see my progress.
I've loved this visualization. It resonates.

I'm a year in... down 50lbs and 15 of those lbs since January. That's awesome.
Gotta break up the vision and appreciate it in pieces. That's what mid-term goals are for. Woohoo! Right?

Without the stones, ME being ME... I have been feeling stuck in so many other areas of my life that I've managed to feel stuck in this one too...

How much Drama do I need and wait for and create in the Weight Loss and Food Arena??
How much of my life's center stage has been eaten up by this. For better and for worse?

I DO need to keep the focus on these goals.
I want this. I want to go all the way.
This isn't FITNESS... This is LIFE!!!

I need to FIND A real and tangible REWARD to mark Goal # 1.

What shall it be?

Not a night out. Not jewelry or spa or clothes.

Maybe a new workout outfit????

Any other ideas?

Hip Hip (less hips) and Hooray


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KT-NICHOLS-13 7/28/2011 6:58PM

    The visualization with the stones is a great idea.
I've never been a great one for personal rewards for my accomplishments. The only thing I do know is that my ultimate goal reward - when I reach my goal weight - is a photo shoot.

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PHEFEY 7/28/2011 11:35AM

    I love the stone idea! I might steal that!

Rewards are personal, but make sure it is something you really want. When you think about it, it should excite you!

Great work-keep it up!

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SLFRISBEY 7/28/2011 10:06AM

    When I get to my final goal weight, I am going to go back to Puerto Rico and do all the things I was too scared to do the last time I went. Laying out on the beach, going to the bio bay, wearing a bikini... yeah that's going to happen. Although it feels like it is a million miles away, it is going to happen! :)

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PANBOOKS 7/28/2011 9:54AM

    I love the visualization too! Great job!!! Since I am big on traveling... I cast my vote on travel as a reward!

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Chilled Cucumber Soup Recipe (yum!)

Sunday, July 24, 2011

3 Medium Cucumbers (peeled then diced)
1 cup cold water
1/4 cup diced onion (white or sweet are best)
2 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
1 tsp minced garlic
1.3 tsp sea salt
1/4 tsp fresh ground black pepper
2 Tbsp cream or half and half (or 1 tbsp sour cream)

PUT ALL IN BLENDER - til smooth or chunky as you prefer.
GARNISH -- add to blend or simply top with herbs

Recipe called for Arugula 1/4 cup.
However, I tried MINT and it was FABulous.
Other possibilities ?



Original Recipe from Canyon Ranch Cookbook

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLEGNER1 7/24/2011 7:17PM

    Sounds good and right now I have plenty of cucumbers

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CHEROKEE1946 7/24/2011 4:47PM

    Sounds good I will have to try because I have so many cucumbers in the garden. Thanks

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JINXS_MUM 7/24/2011 4:33PM


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Jump in the River

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I'm writing this down. Marking it. In today's paper, the Sunday section, a quotation inset for a little profile on someone or other... made me tear up, tear way up. The quote:

"(Mydad) always said, 'Jump into the river. It will just move and you'll make decisions as you go. Never be hesitant."

Jump into the river.
It will just move and
You'll make decisions as you go.

I've never well taken that advice. It is excellent advice. Probably. Yep.

Way deep from my center. Resonant. Resonances. And the tears, where this advice or directive -- which I've been given many times in life, usually by others, usually in response to my standing at the edge of the bank.... wanting to jump, or wanting to want to jump, or charcoal in hand in front of a large white tablet and easel in a figure-drawing class.

Afraid to make the first mark? Or afraid to make a mark?
Afraid of the water? Or the current? Or the cold?
Or afraid of leaving?

I well up with awareness that, gdi, THIS IS STILL A CORE ISSUE WITH ME.
I honor my own penchant for staying, too.

Feathering. Tending. Still if not stillpoint.
THE DANCE is here.
But many dances were out there. And I did not jump.
I did not jump.
I hesitated.
Many times. So many times.
And many things, ideas, inventions, activities, friendships, artworks, poems....

drifted by in the current... without me?
(What would PEMA say about THIS? --- if they are only thoughts... and not deeds...
if they are only thoughts, not words.


I turn 53 this week.
Is this my story?

More than "just sayin'"
For today.
Book mark that, Martha!

Love it all

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PJH2028 7/24/2011 6:58PM

    deer in the headlights. catsclaws on the door-jambs. cat under the table/bed/behind-the-refrigerator..
. FEAR acronyms always made sense to me (false evidence appearing real), and yet i delay.

I've been in the same apartment for too long. Need to move. Need a change. And I keep staring at the river.

But I digress!!!
Moving this mountain? Lion? Into the River?
Maybe this year. Maybe this year ;-)

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SLFRISBEY 7/24/2011 6:27PM

    I love that quote! I tend to stand on the side lines because I hate making decisions. ANY Decision... just jump in and go from there! Thanks for sharing!

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