Monday, August 08, 2011
besides me. i mean. is it all me?
I'm embarrassed (ashamed of, apologetic for...) by my apartment. It goes underground most of the time. But at a few times a week or month (for years) especially when out of towners come to see me for the first time... like this week.... I get flushed with apology to self, apology for self, dread and shock that I have not achieved better or strived for more.
I'm not reaching for enough.
This past year, weight loss and fitness have been my accolades. These goals have let me off the hook for other unaddressed issues in need of growth and attention.
I do not have work.
I am passive and slothful.
I do not have meaningful engagement/work/volunteering.
I thrive when I am interacting with others and giving of my knowledge and personal experience.
I am a perfectionist?
I am stuck.
I am = in these areas - exactly where I was with my weight/eating/body before I started Sparking.
How can I get SPARK into these other areas of my life too??
On days like today, when I am so very aware of this.... Yes... I often act out with snacking and foods.... Or, better stated, on a day like today... the structure which so supports me in my daily living seems to be unavailable to me or I rebel against it.
This is a big issue and a big trigger.
What are my expectations?
I don't know.
Yesterday, when my step-sister and her family came by to see my place... i KNEW that her husband would be shocked by the smallness and lack of finery. I imagine that he found it 'squalid'. I guess this means that I (me myself and i) feel that way...
I hide my negative feelings about my apartment like I've hid my negative feelings about my body. Over the years. Being 'fine' with it, as best I can. Not believing I can have more. Not knowing how to get more.
I need more income to live better in this city.
I've traded the 'location' and the tree-lined street and the privacy which I DO HAVE for square footage, amenities, stable electrical current, etc. which I DO NOT HAVE. I have done so for 15-2o years (astonishing). Ha! At least I'm not a hoarder! (small perk here).
Does this make any sense.
This is a rant.
This is a ramble.
No body should this.
If any one does read this... I hope they comment with some epiphany inducing insight... or confrontation.
I AM IN MY WAY
FEAR is in my way
Wanting what I can't have... is in my way.
Grant me the serenity to change the things I can.
And to figure out which things those are.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
3 Medium Cucumbers (peeled then diced)
1 cup cold water
1/4 cup diced onion (white or sweet are best)
2 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
1 tsp minced garlic
1.3 tsp sea salt
1/4 tsp fresh ground black pepper
2 Tbsp cream or half and half (or 1 tbsp sour cream)
PUT ALL IN BLENDER - til smooth or chunky as you prefer.
GARNISH -- add to blend or simply top with herbs
Recipe called for Arugula 1/4 cup.
However, I tried MINT and it was FABulous.
Other possibilities ?
Original Recipe from Canyon Ranch Cookbook
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I'm writing this down. Marking it. In today's paper, the Sunday section, a quotation inset for a little profile on someone or other... made me tear up, tear way up. The quote:
"(Mydad) always said, 'Jump into the river. It will just move and you'll make decisions as you go. Never be hesitant."
Jump into the river.
It will just move and
You'll make decisions as you go.
I've never well taken that advice. It is excellent advice. Probably. Yep.
Way deep from my center. Resonant. Resonances. And the tears, where this advice or directive -- which I've been given many times in life, usually by others, usually in response to my standing at the edge of the bank.... wanting to jump, or wanting to want to jump, or charcoal in hand in front of a large white tablet and easel in a figure-drawing class.
Afraid to make the first mark? Or afraid to make a mark?
Afraid of the water? Or the current? Or the cold?
Or afraid of leaving?
I well up with awareness that, gdi, THIS IS STILL A CORE ISSUE WITH ME.
I honor my own penchant for staying, too.
Feathering. Tending. Still if not stillpoint.
THE DANCE is here.
But many dances were out there. And I did not jump.
I did not jump.
Many times. So many times.
And many things, ideas, inventions, activities, friendships, artworks, poems....
drifted by in the current... without me?
(What would PEMA say about THIS? --- if they are only thoughts... and not deeds...
if they are only thoughts, not words.
I turn 53 this week.
Is this my story?
More than "just sayin'"
Book mark that, Martha!
Love it all
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
SPARKING INTO 2012
Onward & Downward
Anniversary Celebration and Year Two Goals
in the works
Wow! This year feels great. And felt great, every day.
That's the miracle I see today. I'm enjoying this.
I am not confined by it. The boundaries only pinch every once in a while. Mostly I am enabled and enhanced by awareness of the DAILY details. And I am encouraged and edified by the camaraderie, the stories of others, the roads more and less traveled, not alone... on our own steam... and together.
Weight loss (check)
Body compacting (check)
Fitness and Wellbeing raised (check)
Energy and Attitude up (check)
Can I keep on doing this, Tim (my trainer) asked?
Yes! I feel and reply without any sense of wavering.
Tim wants to up the anti on what we set out as my goals.
He thinks that I am stronger than he's been thinking or I've been thinking.
What a marvelous invitation into the coming year.
So I'm adopting his voice for that part of the 2012 goals.
I am stronger than I imagine my self to be.
I can do more. And I am open to questing higher/longer/more.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, on the sofa and at the table:
I've gotten a bit loose in my food choices and patterns.
Something about seeing 184.5 on the scale sneakily had me resting on my laurels the past couple of weeks. Hmm. Every time I punched in 1-8-4 to the cardio equipment at the gym, I've felt a circle of roses around my neck at the accomplishment, an inner glow and pride. And I've been excited to press on... Yet I think I haven't done that yet.
188 today, after a weekend of unmeasured eating and drinking. It'll come off. But I'm not going to erase it here. This will be my starting point as I press into year 2.
I would like to lose 43 lbs by July 15, 2012.
I would like to weigh 145.
I believe that 165 will be a real body shift and a marking place for me.
I am open to maintaining 165 when I get there, IF that's what seems right from many vantage points.
Yet - With menopause hot on my heels; 145 is objectively what on my 5' 4" little jewish person frame might be a righter number.
We'll see. We'll see.
On paper, my goal is 145.
(With footnotes for future reflection and evaluation with trainer support on record).
*I'm smaller. I'm starting smaller than last year.
This may mean a RE-SET of CALORIE RANGES?
This may mean a RE-SET of CALORIE BURN expectations?
Mm-hmmm. I think this is true.
I don�t have a WEEKLY PLAN on paper yet.
I need this. So, That's what I'm working on this week.
This week, I will:
** Eat cleaner.
** Drink my waters.
** Snack more consciously (better choices, less grazing)
** Get to the gym 3x, not including ST with Tim/Jenny
** Get my cardio burn back up to 400
I love this process.
I love my self for thriving in it.
I love my Spark Friends. Like you.
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